Sm12345 Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 She started a few weeks ago, I've been there four years. Shes in her early 40's, I'm 35. She's been flirty and cuddly, I asked her out and she said yes. But after mentioning it to a friend, I'm having second thoughts. I've recently been given more responsibilities at work, and I'm curious if she's perhaps using my position within the company to her benefit. I don't work with her directly, so there isn't an immediate conflict of interest, but things have progressed over the last week or so a bit too smoothly and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being played. Thoughts?
risjurad Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 No one's subordinate to the other so that should be fine. Check if your company has a policy on dating. progressed over the last week or so a bit too smoothly and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being played Can you elaborate on what this means? I feel like I'm missing something important here. Not sure how she may be trying to use you, so perhaps someone else can chime in with ideas on that. As a hopeless romantic, I'd say go for it. Not working with her directly is nice in case things get weird, but that could change, which seems a risk only you can consider.
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 How are we supposed to know what she's thinking? We're not mind readers. 5
lakerman34 Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 In life, always assume the best. Makes you a better leader, more likable, and prevents missed opportunities. Right now, paranoia sounds like it's talking. When you have evidence she is using you for her advancement, THEN pull away. Until then, go get her, cowboy. 1
Author Sm12345 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 I'm not used to women being this forward without ulterior motives. That perhaps she's using my recent promotion to her benefit. She's New within the company, so I'm not exactly sure what her motivations are.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 I honestly hadn't even considered she was using me until it was suggested.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 She was very cuddly today, gave me a couple hugs. But also referred to me as sweet, which felt a bit like a death knell. I'm having a tough time reading her. She seems happy to see me when we run into each other at work, but I don't feel like things are really developing and I'm debating putting it on the back burner and pursuing other options.
GemmaUK Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 How long have you been dating for and what expectations do you have of 'development' of things at this point? I'm a bit confused as on one hand you say things are going smoothly and on the other that things aren't developing. Which is it? Where do you think things should be at this stage?
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 We aren't dating, we're coworkers. I'd like us to spend time outside of work.
GemmaUK Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 We aren't dating, we're coworkers. I'd like us to spend time outside of work. OK, so what are you expecting as of right now? She said yes to a date. When do you have that planned for?
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) We aren't dating, we're coworkers. I'd like us to spend time outside of work. Then, why can't you see her outside of work? Look, maybe cuz she's older than you, she's more forward than you cuz she's at the age where she's comfortable with herself and her desires/needs - and has no shame in laying her cards on the table. I'm going through that right now with recent dude. I feel that he thinks that cuz I'm so into him and so "direct" that I'm after "something" from him...ok whatever. At my job and in other places I've worked at and/or social circles - yes, there are women are into trying to squeeze a dime and/or services out of guys - even though some of these women are full-time employed. I'm proud to say that in the 40 years I have on this planet NO MAN can come forward and say he's given me a dime. About three years ago was the first time I let a man do a thing for me - and it was my FWB's constant insistence to do things for me. He did some work on my vehicle and a couple of handiguy stuff. He also offered to build/organize my closet - but I declined. I'm the one always helping everyone - not even my family can help me. I help my family so much that it put me behind financially and I'm finally putting my foot down. Shoot, my Mum lives with "me" and barely gives me a dime - yet, I cover the rent, utilities, etc. There was a time I was paying her medical expenses out of my pocket - thousands of dollars, mind you. But, no one would know that unless they take the time to get to know me. Actually, of the men that moved past thinking I have "ulterior" motives still end up dumping me cuz I'm so independent. They feel "useless" and opt to go for some lazy manipulator who bleeds their pockets dry and denies them sex and/or affection and fills them up with kids and bills. OH, he also may think that I'm part of some crew at my job that's trying to make him lose his job? Ok, I'm not sure of the office politics that are going on there - but I did notice that he and his "bro" sorta keep to themselves. In the short time I tried to "observe" him before I made a move, I did wonder if there was a divide cuz of race or who they work for. So, I don't know what to do. His insecurities about me and "ulterior" motives probably pushed him to file that complaint against me and now I'm fighting to keep my job...thanks to him not even taking a minute to seriously see that I was so into him that gosh darn. I really like him you know - and yes, I was very forward cuz like I told him 'we're all adults here' and I wasn't shy about getting touchy/feely cuz hello, I'm a grown woman - I'm not gonna be coy and play coy games to nab some guy by holding off sex. That's what girls who are trying to manipulate a guy do...they hold off sex and try to make it all "special" when all they're doing is puling a "bait and switch". So, what I'm saying is, you're not gonna know who she is, what she wants with you and if she has "ulterior" motives until you spend time with her. Sorry. I mean, you can ask her and if she's a liar, she'll lie to your face. That's why we date (not being friends, co-workers, shack-ups, and/or LDR), and we date for at least 1 1/2 to 2 years to get to know someone - cuz in that 1 1/2 to 2 years, you're gonna see them in their good, bad, etc and if they're playing you - they're only gonna hide it for so long before you see their true self. Like I said in another post tonite about dude - if he made up his mind that he doesn't trust me - that's his loss. I know what I have to bring to the table as a woman and he could've had all of it...but hey, he thinks I'm one of those sorry women out there trying to "trick" men? Good for him... If you don't trust this woman, then you're under no obligation to pursue a thing with you and wishing you well. But really, regardless of your distrust of her, office romances - like I just went through can go south and south in a bad way - so since you already don't trust her - maybe you should avoid office romances all together. Edited January 16, 2017 by Gloria25 1
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 Hi, I wasn't expecting such an in depth response. I'll try to answer your questions here. When I first met her, we hadn't even been introduced so it was a bit surprising how outgoing she was. I'm also a bit of a germaphobe, so a stranger trying to kiss me when they're sick was a bit overwhelming. But we've gotten to know each other and ilike her, she's funtobe around, and outgoing which I think is what attracted me to her in the first place. I've asked her out, and she initially said yes, but was sick for the last week and a bit.she also works another job,so perhaps it's a matter of getting our schedules to line up. We eat lunch together most days and chat before work, so I've gotten to know her, that's not the issue. I think I'm just trying to figure out if she likes me, or if she's just being friendly.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 She started a few weeks ago, I've been there four years. Shes in her early 40's, I'm 35. She's been flirty and cuddly, I asked her out and she said yes. But after mentioning it to a friend, I'm having second thoughts. I've recently been given more responsibilities at work, and I'm curious if she's perhaps using my position within the company to her benefit. I don't work with her directly, so there isn't an immediate conflict of interest, but things have progressed over the last week or so a bit too smoothly and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being played. Thoughts? You should only consider dating a colleague if you trust them, and clearly you don't. Whether that is justified or not, it doesn't really matter. I think it might be a good idea to apologize and politely tell her that you have had second thoughts about going on a date. 1
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) Thanks for the reply. I trust her now that I know her a little better. I'm just not sure if what I've perceived as flirting, is just her outgoing personality, or if she's actually interested. Edit. For example, we deal with a lot of cardboard at work and the machine we use to break it down was full. A lot of the people I work with have an aversion to emptying it because it takes time and they're pretty lazy. So I happened to be there when she was with her cardboard and she said she wanted me to give her practice emptying it, but the way she said it was "I'd like to do it with you." So my response was "perhaps we should go on a date first..", implying sex. And she laughed and playfully hit me withapiece of cardboard. Edited January 16, 2017 by Sm12345
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Hi, I wasn't expecting such an in depth response. I'll try to answer your questions here. When I first met her, we hadn't even been introduced so it was a bit surprising how outgoing she was. I'm also a bit of a germaphobe, so a stranger trying to kiss me when they're sick was a bit overwhelming. But we've gotten to know each other and ilike her, she's funtobe around, and outgoing which I think is what attracted me to her in the first place. I've asked her out, and she initially said yes, but was sick for the last week and a bit.she also works another job,so perhaps it's a matter of getting our schedules to line up. We eat lunch together most days and chat before work, so I've gotten to know her, that's not the issue. I think I'm just trying to figure out if she likes me, or if she's just being friendly. Dude, ever consider the things she was doing were signs of her trusting you and/or "liking" you? I mean, how many people get "cuddly" with people they only see as a friend? Ok, how 'bout observing her interactions with others. Does she hug everyone? Is she generally touchy/feely? Me? I don't touch no guy unless I'm interested in him...period. About germs? Me getting wondering if I was gonna catch cough dude had was last thing on my mind. Actually, I sorta started catching a cough one time after getting close to him (which I diminished quickly from taking my vitamins and stuff) and had fun joking with him about it. To me it's a sign of trust....like that Seinfeld where Elaine was trying to judge the guy's comfort level in whether or not he shared unsanitized gym equipment and water bottle with her. So, on top of joking with him and even though I wasn't set out on "proving" anything, I hope he saw it as a sign of trust that I had no issue with hanging around him when he had that miserable cough. Well, how did you two meet? I mean, I had no choice "but" to approach my dude cuz we work in different departments and I wasn't gonna see him on the regular. I mean, if I didn't make a move - there was gonna be no way we'd ever speak and/or it would be more awkward if I just walked up to him in the cafeteria or something. Actually, I tried to use the fact that I was temporarily assigned to his area as a way to speak to him w/o coming off as stalkerish or something. Hello, isn't that the way people meet? I mean, you see someone and try to figure out how to get in their AO so they'll notice you and be able to strike up a convo and go from there. Again, hate to use Seinfeld, but there was one where he ilterally went and hung out around a woman's job - hoping to run into her when she was coming/going so that he could chat her up. Again, you won't know her until you spend time with her. Like her being "outgoing"... I'm a very shy and quiet person. And, even though I'm 40, I still am awkward when it comes to chatting up guys, dating, etc. But, guaranteed dude doesn't know that about me cuz he's only seen the forward/direct side of me. Yes, cuz of my past jobs and stuff I've had to deal with - I have to come out of my shell. For example, I have had to stand up and give presentations, briefs, etc. in different venues - the people seeing me brief would have no idea of the anxiety I had the whole time I was doing it - yet, my poker face wouldn't show it...but after the brief I'd be like having to retreat and catch my breath and regroup. Gosh, that was one thing I think dude misinterpreted about me too. Yes, I was VERY forward with him - but every time I'd leave his AO upon being forward with him, I'd feel embarrassed and go and let him know that I was sorry for being so forward and/or take a day or so off from seeing him so that I can put myself back in check....but, he may have seen it as me playing games and/or being hot/cold/bipolar or something when all it is is me just being so awkward - especially when I wasn't sure where I stood with him, cuz I had no problem with being forward, but cuz I wasn't sure about him, I'd feel bad afterwards. If I felt secure about where I stood with him and we were actually dating - I'd have no problem being forward and then some Again, I'm gonna sum this up to her being at the age where she's comfortable in initiating, putting her cards on the table, and expressing her desire/need for you via her comfort in physical contact. If you mistrust her actions and believe she has ulterior motives - you're not gonna know for sure by simply asking her...you're gonna have to spend time with her. But again, my recent office romance gone deeply sour + your mistrust for her makes me opine that maybe you should not pursue this or other office relationships... 1
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Thanks for the reply. I trust her now that I know her a little better. I'm just not sure if what I've perceived as flirting, is just her outgoing personality, or if she's actually interested. Edit. For example, we deal with a lot of cardboard at work and the machine we use to break it down was full. A lot of the people I work with have an aversion to emptying it because it takes time and they're pretty lazy. So I happened to be there when she was with her cardboard and she said she wanted me to give her practice emptying it, but the way she said it was "I'd like to do it with you." So my response was "perhaps we should go on a date first..", implying sex. And she laughed and playfully hit me withapiece of cardboard. So you believe she just says/does these things to imply sex with everyone she works with? If you do, then please do her a favor and decline pursuing anything with her. I mean, I have said/did some racy things with dude and if he's a fool to think I do this with any/everyone - then he needs to keep moving on. Cuz, then he's implying that I'm some kind of piece of garbage manipulator and I'm offended in that already - especially from a guy who doesn't even know me. I mean, if I was some chick looking to find guys to just have sex and/or get a dime/services with/from - there's Craigslist, bars, and/or Tinder. 1
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 We met because she worked in a department with a mutual coworker and she thought I was a manager that could sign her release form so she could leave work early because she was sick. Perhaps I'm just not used to women being this outgoing. Is it really as simple as asking if she's interested? I did ask if she has a boyfriend, she said no. And I asked for her number.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 I don't trust my judgement that she's actually interested.
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I don't trust my judgement that she's actually interested. Well, then don't go out with her and it's done. You'll be doing her a favor cuz the mess dude has me cleaning up now and him ripping out my heart? I wish I never spoke to him.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 I think perhaps you're putting a lot of your own frustrations on me. I'm interested in her, just unsure how to make the next move.
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I think perhaps you're putting a lot of your own frustrations on me. I'm interested in her, just unsure how to make the next move. I'm using my example to show you how you may be totally wrong about her and to answer your questions about why a woman would be so forward with you and if she was actually interested. Did't you ask her out on a date? Then that's the next step.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 I asked her out for Mexican and she said she'd be open to it when she feels better.
Author Sm12345 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Didn't work. It's been an interesting week at work, one of the managers broke his foot, so I've been working 6 day weeks and 10 hour days. It was a busy week for her too. She cashed in her chips in a failing business and her favourite baseball player got inducted into the hall of fame. I started giving her the cold shoulder, just saying "hey" when we saw each other and by the end of the week avoiding her all together. Why did I do it? It's been bothering me that she wasn't putting out any reciprocal interest. Either she's scared of risking her job before her probation or she isn't interested. So yesterday we were in the same department and she was mouthing the words to one of her favourite songs on the PA. Me: I saw you mouthing the words to a song on the pa tonight, it made me laugh Her: Is this your way of apologising for being an immature idiot all week. Me: Yeah, I guess it was. I like you, a lot actually and I just want getting the vibe it was mutual. Her: Giving someone the silent treatment when you are an adult male makes you an idiot. Her: Can you imagine if we dated and had an argument? Jesus..I cant imagine how you'd handle that. Her: It was still childish. I am a grown woman. I don't play that way. Me: I agree, wholeheartedly Her: Can we just be friends and normal please. Me: We can. Edited January 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged ~6
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It didn't work? What was not accomplished? It looks like it worked perfectly, unless your intent was that you'd give her the cold shoulder to entice her to chase after you. Surely you know that would never work?
sid3 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 So i guess the lesson here and hopefully you've learned is to grow a pair. Girls/ women play games, that's what they do. It doesn't work out so well when a guy tries it, as you seem to have found out. There's that saying that fortune favors the bold, sounds a bit cheesy but it's true. Sounds to me like you were to worried about playing it safe. FYI, she doesn't have that mythical golden vagina,there's a good chance you'd get sick of her bs after six months of dating. I do agree though, a previous poster was definitely projecting her issues on you/ and or your thread.
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