is there a point you cross where you know you need to break up with someone?

[kaviChanged]

This is the first time ive ever been on this site, and is out of the ordinary for me but i feel as though i need someone to talk to about this as i have no one else.

i dont know where to begin with all this but i need to express some of it in hopes that ill gain some insight into my life and decisions. Ive never broken up with anyone

 

im 22 and have been with my girl for 3 years and i think were at a point where we cease progression and just argue. we live together with two of her friends so im around her and her people literally all the time aside from work. she tells me im selfish sometimes, and that i never say yes right away when asked to do or get something but she literally asks me for something so many times a day its crazy even if she doesnt need help. i know its a ploy for attention but it wasnt like this before and i know there are people out there that dont do that. she has trust issues with me from an incident from about 2 years ago where i kept communicating with a girl that was a friend after we started dating even though it wasnt flirty or anything. that was just my friend thorugh high school and i like to talk to her for years before. she is never concerned about finances while i am. sometimes i dont want to do something if it requires me to spend if thats not in the plan that i had for my money. im okay with that and that bothers her to where she will say "its always about money. you never just agree". recently she has developed into a different person physically than when i first met her so she doesnt like to exercise when i ask or need a partner for motivation since im just always down to run around or expend energy and push my self.

 

its gotten to a point where i know she loves me but she is not able to fill certain voids for me and i cant do the same for her in certain areas that are essential to her well being. she is looking to meet the one and wants to talk about marriage and stuff when i still have things about myself that i want to work on before marrying anyone. and i dont think i can fully cultivate myself while in a relationship. its not changing after 3 years. my birthday is coming up on the 20th of january and she just got a job working where i am currently working and im confused. i find myself looking for apartments to live by myself sometimes. and thinking about how id be more productive and in better shape if i could wake up in the morning and workout and bike and eat how i want to without worrying about how to fit that in around someone elses agenda. i feel like im resentful because i have no life outside of this relationship and even this relationship isnt going well anymore and i just feel stressed all the time. liek everything is my fault. im a naturally introverted person and really value my space to do what i want and that bothers her because she doesnt need space. i know im not the best boyfriend but im not horrible either. i havent cheated on her and ive been with her through some rough times and have been supportive but im scared of not seeing what life has for me outside of a realtionship since ive always been the one of my friends to be in a long term relationship. i just cant see myself breaking it off after this long with her since she will be so devastated that i dont want to be in the relationship anymore. after so long and after all she has done i feel like ill be a supreme *******. but its like when do i care about myself fully? after reading this am i at the breaking point in your experience?

[marky00]

To much to read but I will say this.

 

 

I don't believe there is ever a defined point. It's always weighing up positives and negatives and make a choice.

 

 

Sure you could wait till u get cheated on 100x etc which makes the choice rather obvious.

 

 

Most decisions are hard to make because of that conflict. You only kind of sort of know well after the event.

 

 

This is why I sometimes don't like the words "moving on". Moving on doesn't mean you have zero feelings for the person u broke up. Its just that you made a choice to live your life without them.

[Nadine123]

Can you summarize?

 

what are the points that are behind you wanting to break up with her?

[LargoLagg]

Yes, there is a point in time. You were first at the "a bunch of things are starting to bug me" stage.

 

You've gone through the "should I break up?" stage. That is where you can no longer deny that the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits of being together.

 

Now, you're at the stage after that. The "how do I do it without hurting her?" stage.

 

The last stage is when you get to the "I can't stand this BS anymore! I can't help it if she feels hurt!" stage.

 

It is then when you'll break up. Nobody can really say how long it will be, but you're well on your way.

[Formerfiveo]

It sounds like you are together ALL the time with your girlfriend and have no time for yourself. As an introvert, you need time to yourself to recharge.

 

Can you find another place to live by yourself? Maybe some space would allow your relationship to grow. Or...some space would help you gain some perspective and help you decide if you want to move on.

[marky00]

Yes, there is a point in time. You were first at the "a bunch of things are starting to bug me" stage.

 

You've gone through the "should I break up?" stage. That is where you can no longer deny that the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits of being together.

 

Now, you're at the stage after that. The "how do I do it without hurting her?" stage.

 

The last stage is when you get to the "I can't stand this BS anymore! I can't help it if she feels hurt!" stage.

 

It is then when you'll break up. Nobody can really say how long it will be, but you're well on your way.

 

 

I disagree with this because although it happens like this a fair bit, its something the dumper should not be proud of at all, unless it all happens in a short period.

 

 

Its not fair on the dumpee that you let it get to the zero respect stage if you never were even going to speak up about your concerns.

 

 

So, if your doing things "right", when you break up it doesn't need to be the point where your 1000% over it, that is pretty cowardly.

 

 

Better to make the decision earlier with the idea that for the tiny chance you might change your mind, you could re-visit that idea in time.