NC almost 3 weeks, she contacted me, her birthday is tomorrow, I want her back. CIGS?

January 3, 2017

Hi everyone, new to this forum and I appreciate any advice and suggestions in advance!

Short version: We met in Dec of 2015, she came to my holiday party and we hooked up for the first time that night. From there it was very casual for a few months, neither of us wanted anything serious until she got back from a trip out of the country and we started seeing each other exclusively and became boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm older than her by about 7 years, and she's a bit younger about to turn 25.

A few months later, we talked about some issues that were popping up in the relationship, I was hoping to talk through them and discuss what we could do to fix it and she said she wasn't really in it right now. We "broke up" while I was out town for a work thing and when I came back we got right back together and things were great for a few months

A few weeks ago things actually ended. We had been great together for a while, both super affectionate, calling each other babe, she stayed over at my place for a few days the weekend before then the following week it all ended almost out of the blue. Typical CIGS syndrome it feels like.

Some things she said when we ended things:

"I don't want a relationship right now, but if I did this would be the ideal relationship"

"I know you hate when people break up and get back together and break up and get back together, but we're about to not see each other for a bit so lets see?"

"You're so great and amazing to me"

That was about a week and a half before Christmas, I went strict NC from there. But she texted me on Christmas and said:

I hope you've been enjoying time with your family and having a relaxing break.

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Thinking of you.

I wasn't expecting this but I did reply very plainly "Hey, hope the holidays are treating you well too. Merry Christmas!"

I went back strict NC again since then. She has been liking some of my photos on instagram and watching my stories and stuff. She's been A LOT more active on social media that she ever was. Lot's of spiritual stuff and self healing and exploring and stuff. She's reading Eat Pray love even, kinda of cliche I feel like. She even posted this pic of herself and a quote from it about "being comfortable with being Lonely" etc.

She did make an instagram post that seems to be related directly to me, confirmed by a few friends because of some inside stuff that is way too obvious to ignore. "I feel that when you radiate positive energies and thoughts into something, that something or someone can feel them. I hope you have felt all the love and light I have been sending your way" followed by some emojis that her and I used exclusively with each other.... yeah I know.

Anyway, I truly feel like things aren't over between us. Her birthday is tomorrow and she is going out of the country for 2 weeks before starting school back up mid month. Realistically anything substantial between us won't happen till she gets back but it doesn't feel right not saying Happy birthday to her

I feel like I want to wish her happy birthday as to not be petty, to be mature and a bigger person. At the same time I'm wondering how that affects the situation and what my best course of action could be. So many mixed suggestions out there...

Thoughts/Comments/Concerns? Thank you for your time!

January 3, 2017

Hi everyone, new to this forum and I appreciate any advice and suggestions in advance!

Short version: We met in Dec of 2015, she came to my holiday party and we hooked up for the first time that night. From there it was very casual for a few months, neither of us wanted anything serious until she got back from a trip out of the country and we started seeing each other exclusively and became boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm older than her by about 7 years, and she's a bit younger about to turn 25.

A few months later, we talked about some issues that were popping up in the relationship, I was hoping to talk through them and discuss what we could do to fix it and she said she wasn't really in it right now. We "broke up" while I was out town for a work thing and when I came back we got right back together and things were great for a few months

A few weeks ago things actually ended. We had been great together for a while, both super affectionate, calling each other babe, she stayed over at my place for a few days the weekend before then the following week it all ended almost out of the blue. Typical CIGS syndrome it feels like.

Some things she said when we ended things:
"I don't want a relationship right now, but if I did this would be the ideal relationship"
"I know you hate when people break up and get back together and break up and get back together, but we're about to not see each other for a bit so lets see?"
"You're so great and amazing to me"

That was about a week and a half before Christmas, I went strict NC from there. But she texted me on Christmas and said:
I hope you've been enjoying time with your family and having a relaxing break.
Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Thinking of you.

I wasn't expecting this but I did reply very plainly "Hey, hope the holidays are treating you well too. Merry Christmas!"

I went back strict NC again since then. She has been liking some of my photos on instagram and watching my stories and stuff. She's been A LOT more active on social media that she ever was. Lot's of spiritual stuff and self healing and exploring and stuff. She's reading Eat Pray love even, kinda of cliche I feel like. She even posted this pic of herself and a quote from it about "being comfortable with being Lonely" etc.

She did make an instagram post that seems to be related directly to me, confirmed by a few friends because of some inside stuff that is way too obvious to ignore. "I feel that when you radiate positive energies and thoughts into something, that something or someone can feel them. I hope you have felt all the love and light I have been sending your way" followed by some emojis that her and I used exclusively with each other.... yeah I know.

Anyway, I truly feel like things aren't over between us. Her birthday is tomorrow and she is going out of the country for 2 weeks before starting school back up mid month. Realistically anything substantial between us won't happen till she gets back but it doesn't feel right not saying Happy birthday to her

I feel like I want to wish her happy birthday as to not be petty, to be mature and a bigger person. At the same time I'm wondering how that affects the situation and what my best course of action could be. So many mixed suggestions out there...

Thoughts/Comments/Concerns? Thank you for your time!

Petty? Petty about what? Your GF dumped you and now you're playing games to see if you can get her back. You want to keep at least one string attached, because the alternative, LETTING GO, is too horrendous to contemplate.

Maybe you're right. Maybe she just wants to bang guilt-free while she's away on her trip.

If she doesn't want you, it doesn't really matter what you do. If she wants you, the most powerful thing you can do is lock away your phone on her birthday. Don't text, don't respond, let her go on vacation wondering about you.

One of two things will be true: she'll be obsessed about why you didn't wish her happy birthday or respond to her texts, or she won't care. You'll have your answer when she gets back.

January 3, 2017

LargoLagg, thanks for the input!

While I didn't want the break-up, we did not end on bad terms. It was very clear that we both still care about each other and still like each other and possibly even still love each other. So in that sense, not saying Happy Birthday to her to make a statement to let her feel what it's really like without mean almost feels more like games? I'm not sure if that makes sense

I'm not playing games I don't think, I've been NC to give this all some space and time to see what happens. Her reaching out to me was unexpected along with all the other stuff.

But to your point I think regardless of what I do with her birthday, I won't really have an answer on all this till she does get back from her trip.

I guess my concern is that since our last interaction via text on Christmas and how she said "thinking of you" and me just kinda playing it cool... not saying happy birthday to her might just push her away?

Not sure how to proceed...

January 3, 2017

Having each other on social media, following and liking each other's posts is the exact opposite of no contact....

January 3, 2017

Hey HoosFoos,

I actually haven't been liking and interacting with her social. I saw the other post bc a friend sent it to me and I was like damn why couldn't she just say that to me instead?

Also, I guess NC started over after she texted me on Christmas. She's the one who's been liking my photos and watching my stories until recently. I haven't been doing the same.

I might just say something casual to her tomorrow and try and forget about things while she's gone for 2 weeks. I guess if something happens when she gets back I can re-evalute? Nothing I can do while she's gone anyway except doing what's good for me.

Would texting her happy birthday be that detrimental?

January 4, 2017

Yes, it could be detrimental to you and your feelings, but at this point I am going to say go ahead, just a "Happy Birthday ___" and that's it. Only because she did initiate Christmas with you and things are still fresh. I usually am apposed to this stuff, but not in this case. You text nothing more and you leave her alone while she's gone. No texting her. If she wants to initiate something when she gets back, then that's up to her. Do not become needy, pushy and desperate. She has already told you that she does not want a relationship at this point. It's not going to change in a few weeks. She may just be trying to be nice to you and nothing more or she could just be being selfish in trying to keep you on a line. I see nothing that shows she has interest in rekindling the relationship with you. If you send it, don't get all worked up if you don't get a reply.

January 4, 2017

Yes, it could be detrimental to you and your feelings, but at this point I am going to say go ahead, just a "Happy Birthday ___" and that's it. Only because she did initiate Christmas with you and things are still fresh. I usually am apposed to this stuff, but not in this case. You text nothing more and you leave her alone while she's gone. No texting her. If she wants to initiate something when she gets back, then that's up to her. Do not become needy, pushy and desperate. She has already told you that she does not want a relationship at this point. It's not going to change in a few weeks. She may just be trying to be nice to you and nothing more or she could just be being selfish in trying to keep you on a line. I see nothing that shows she has interest in rekindling the relationship with you. If you send it, don't get all worked up if you don't get a reply.

I would like to add to this and maybe send it the day after her birthday or hours after.

January 4, 2017

hey Dumbass2 and Sweetfish, thanks for that. Totally understand what you mean.

Going to keep it simple and to the point, not going to be needy or anything like that. That's not really how I've been handling it and the NC has been helpful for me. Threw a big NYE party, been working out and hanging with friends. I was down for a couple weeks but feeling a lot better about it all.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet and then go back into NC while she's gone. If she contacts me when she gets back I'll decide how to play things then.

This has felt like the stereotypical GIGS stuff that I've read. She is in grad school and also works some nights and weekends. When she finished school she had all this free time and was on vacation and now going out of the country for 2 weeks, finding herself and all that jazz. I guess sometimes if you love something you let it go, and if it comes back you gotta decide what you want to do then.

January 4, 2017

As long as you have her on social media and respond her messages, you haven't gone no contact. Low contact maybe, but if you are still communicating, even indirectly, it doesn't count.

Her posts about "being comfortable with being lonely" with pictures of herself are really telling. They scream attention seeking and insecure, which is bad news for you because you will think it is about you, when it is really just about her need for attention.

She may not value you enough to be in a relationship with you (otherwise she never would have let you go), but knowing you are still into her makes her feel better about herself. She could snap her fingers and you would come running. Deep down you know it and so does she. Hence the breadcrumbs.

The fact that you have had so many false starts and breakups is not a good sign for a stable future either. Sure, you may get back together again, but old patterns will repeat, and it is extremely unlikely that it will last.

This may not be what you want to hear but I would strongly caution you against being her fallback guy. She doesn't appear to be even slightly as invested in you, as you are with her.

I think you should try to move on.

January 4, 2017

As long as you have her on social media and respond her messages, you haven't gone no contact. Low contact maybe, but if you are still communicating, even indirectly, it doesn't count.

Her posts about "being comfortable with being lonely" with pictures of herself are really telling. They scream attention seeking and insecure, which is bad news for you because you will think it is about you, when it is really just about her need for attention.

She may not value you enough to be in a relationship with you (otherwise she never would have let you go), but knowing you are still into her makes her feel better about herself. She could snap her fingers and you would come running. Deep down you know it and so does she. Hence the breadcrumbs.

The fact that you have had so many false starts and breakups is not a good sign for a stable future either. Sure, you may get back together again, but old patterns will repeat, and it is extremely unlikely that it will last.

This may not be what you want to hear but I would strongly caution you against being her fallback guy. She doesn't appear to be even slightly as invested in you, as you are with her.

I think you should try to move on.

Hey Scarlett, 100% agree with you about the insecurity and attention. She was never all that active on social media but since the break up she was really active for a few weeks there.

I don't think the loneliness post was about me at all. That was definitely about whatever she is going through right now.

However the other post she made about "i believe when you radiate positive energies that something or someone can feel it. I hope that you have been feeling all the love and light I have been sending your way" followed by a strong arm emoji, which was an inside joke between us. So clearly about me

Whatever she's going through and dealing with right now I just have to let it all go. I'm going to say happy birthday tomorrow and then cut contact again, possibly even unfollow her while she's on vacation who knows

January 4, 2017

LargoLagg, thanks for the input!

While I didn't want the break-up, we did not end on bad terms. It was very clear that we both still care about each other and still like each other and possibly even still love each other. So in that sense, not saying Happy Birthday to her to make a statement to let her feel what it's really like without mean almost feels more like games? I'm not sure if that makes sense

I'm not playing games I don't think, I've been NC to give this all some space and time to see what happens. Her reaching out to me was unexpected along with all the other stuff.

But to your point I think regardless of what I do with her birthday, I won't really have an answer on all this till she does get back from her trip.

I guess my concern is that since our last interaction via text on Christmas and how she said "thinking of you" and me just kinda playing it cool... not saying happy birthday to her might just push her away?

Not sure how to proceed...

No way. See, that would be petty. If she really cares, she'll obsess over what it means until she gets an answer, not unlike what you're doing here.

Think of it this way... if she had never said Merry Christmas to you, would that have pushed you away?

No way.

January 4, 2017

No way. See, that would be petty. If she really cares, she'll obsess over what it means until she gets an answer, not unlike what you're doing here.

Think of it this way... if she had never said Merry Christmas to you, would that have pushed you away?

No way.

Well I guess not, I mean I wasn't even expecting her to say Merry Christmas, much less "thinking of you" that day. It was a surprise that she did.

If she didn't say anything I wouldn't really have been pushed away I don't think, but more so bc it's just a holiday. Not my birthday that she didn't say something to me about.

I feel like not saying Happy Birthday today shows that I'm still upset about things and I'm playing games to purposefully ignore her. That's what feels petty to me about not doing it.

I was thinking of just sending this later in the afternoon: "Happy birthday! Hope it’s a great one and that you have an amazing time on your trip"

and then forgetting about it, not going to reach out to her again unless she does when she gets back. Regardless of everything, it feels wrong not to say anything

January 4, 2017

Well, I went ahead and did it. I think it was the right thing to do. I will keep you all updated on what happens but here's what I said.

"Happy Birthday! I hope it’s an amazing one and that you have a great time on your trip!"

Not expecting a reply or anything to come of it, I guess we'll see what happens when she gets back.... if anything.

January 4, 2017

Keeping lines of communication open lessens the chance that she will come back. NC would increase her curiosity and also make her realize you can live without her, which, in turn, makes you more attractive to her. Right now, you are not interesting to her because she knows you are easily accessible to her. That accessibility automatically makes you less attractive.

January 4, 2017

She responded and said "Thank you! Thank you! " kind of the response I expected if a response at all

I agree with that. And that's why I'm going MIA now. She'll be out of the country for almost 2 weeks starting next Monday.

I won't be reaching out, I won't be posting anything I won't be following anything or liking anything.

From here it's up to her if anything is going to happen, I'm going to get on with my life.

Any advice on how to play things from here?

January 4, 2017

She responded and said "Thank you! Thank you! " kind of the response I expected if a response at all

I agree with that. And that's why I'm going MIA now. She'll be out of the country for almost 2 weeks starting next Monday.

I won't be reaching out, I won't be posting anything I won't be following anything or liking anything.

From here it's up to her if anything is going to happen, I'm going to get on with my life.

Any advice on how to play things from here?

Compete NC is your best bet if you want her back. It's counter to what your natural instincts are, but it's your best shot. NC also allows you to move on because the chances of her coming back are not good. Anything can happen, but its best to take a breakup as final. Clinging to hope doesn't help you.

January 4, 2017

Compete NC is your best bet if you want her back. It's counter to what your natural instincts are, but it's your best shot. NC also allows you to move on because the chances of her coming back are not good. Anything can happen, but its best to take a breakup as final. Clinging to hope doesn't help you.

Thanks BC1980. NC is what I'm going into. She's on her own journey now and I hope she's happy and finds whatever it is she's searching for in herself. While I still love her and care about her, there's nothing more I can do at this point

I was planning on just staying off of instagram and facebook for the next few weeks.

But would it make more sense to just unfollow her on Insta and defriend her on Facebook? I've already unfollowed her on FB so I don't see when she posts something. Is that immature? Social media is lame when it comes to relationships but let's be honest, it's the world we live in now and everyone is connected by it

January 4, 2017

Thanks BC1980. NC is what I'm going into. She's on her own journey now and I hope she's happy and finds whatever it is she's searching for in herself. While I still love her and care about her, there's nothing more I can do at this point

I was planning on just staying off of instagram and facebook for the next few weeks.

But would it make more sense to just unfollow her on Insta and defriend her on Facebook? I've already unfollowed her on FB so I don't see when she posts something. Is that immature? Social media is lame when it comes to relationships but let's be honest, it's the world we live in now and everyone is connected by it

It's not immature to unfriend on social media. A lot of people ask that question. I think unfriending on social media is just the natural progression of things when you break up. Even though you have had sparse contact with her, that will eventually stop, and both of you will become strangers at some point. It happens to everyone that breaks up. I also think it's necessary to unfriend on social media to help you move on. You've taken a good preemptive step by blocking her because you don't want to see when she posts something. That is the smart and mature thing to do. You can't move on if you are being triggered by her posts on social media. What always happens is, someone sees a post and goes down a rabbit hole of emotions about why their ex posted something, what does it mean, ect. People claim they can handle it under the guise of being mature, but it always backfires when they see a post about something and start to read into it. All of that mental stress is not worth staying friends on social media. If you get over her and have no feelings at some point, it's fine to remain connected on social media if you want to revisit that option in the future. But in the aftermath when emotions are running high, you don't need social media making things that much worse.

I've seen so many people come through this forum who are distraught that they aren't over an ex after several years, and it often comes out that they are still friends with the ex on social media or are still texting and talking to the ex sporadically. You just can't move on that way. Good for you that you aren't contacting her again. I have seen nothing in any of her communication that would make me think she wants to reunite. You can't do anything else. If she wants to come back, she will. If she doesn't, she won't.

January 6, 2017

She responded and said "Thank you! Thank you! " kind of the response I expected if a response at all

I agree with that. And that's why I'm going MIA now. She'll be out of the country for almost 2 weeks starting next Monday.

I won't be reaching out, I won't be posting anything I won't be following anything or liking anything.

From here it's up to her if anything is going to happen, I'm going to get on with my life.

Any advice on how to play things from here?

Thank you! Thank you! Stick with what you're doing!

January 6, 2017

Good job! That worked out fine and she didn't expand or lead you on at all. Now you do what has been suggested by BC.

January 10, 2017

Thanks everyone. Update for me...

I was having a rough time last week so I went and spoke with a counselor. That helped a lot actually and I really recommend it for anyone that is going through a hard time.

She left for her trip out of the country yesterday and is gone till the end of next week. I've been in a good place recently but definitely still have my hard times.

I guess I keep going back and forth between feeling like it's over and she's not coming back at all and then thinking maybe she just needed to go do her thing for a little and maybe she'll reach out when she get's back. I think of the things that have happened in the last month and how we were together... Yeah, it will be a month on Friday that things ended.

I decided not to block her on instagram/FB, for now and just try not to get on it as much and focus on other things.

I started NC last week on her birthday after I wished her happy birthday. I'm not going to be reaching out to her and don't really expect her to be especially when she's out of the country.

I even went on a date last week with someone, I had a fun time but I can tell that I'm just doing it to get my mind off things and not think about her.

Thanks for all the support. Still open to any advice!

January 10, 2017

If your not going to block her than at least just let her be the one to initiate any contact going forward.

January 10, 2017

You're not NC. Just playing at it.

I think you'll find you can't make someone want you. Ah es Young and doesn't wantvtied down. You like a lot that come here can't let it go so you are keeping yourself in limbo.

Stalking her media, grasping for breadcrumbs when you should be very dark and going your own way. I doubt this will end well for you.

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NC almost 3 weeks, she contacted me, her birthday is tomorrow, I want her back. CIGS?

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