Can people change and forgo long held desires?

[TradiePhil]

Without all the details the question is basically can people change?

 

It is a bit more complicated than that so if here’s the details.

 

I started casually seeing this woman after we were introduced after my divorce about 8 years ago. It steadily progressed through friends very occasionally seeing each other to friends with benefits to dating to becoming a bit more serious. Right now I guess you’d say we are dating but with a serious eye on a future together.

 

Now as we’ve grown closer we’ve shared more and more personal detail with each other and I’ve learned something that has me worried. She is bisexual. With her last two partners (she’s never been married) they’ve allowed her to see women on the side. She was with one of these guys for 7 years so she’s not afraid of commitment, just not to one person I guess?

 

Now it does not bother me one bit what she has done. Anything consenting adults do is fine by me. The thing is that there is no way I will allow her to do this. Maybe I’m just the jealous type but I am who I am.

 

We have discussed this at length. We have both been quite open about it, nothing has been off the table to discuss. She says all the right things. She assures me that openness and honesty and loyalty are paramount. She loves me and if she makes a commitment that it will only ever be me then that is what it will be. As an example she says the last 2 years, since we decided we were dating exclusively, she has not been with anyone else, not even looked. I believe all this, she is not a liar.

 

The thing that worries me is that I’m not sure it’s even fair for me to ask her to subdue that part of herself. But even if I did, surely those feelings can’t be turned off forever? I don’t want to get 5 or 10 years further into this relationship, investing a whole lot of emotional energy and then one day she just says she needs to be with a woman again. What happens then? Divorce or let her do it. Both options suck. But if I believe this might happen what’s the alternative? Break it off now with a woman I love because something might happen in the future, it sounds stupid.

 

She truly makes me happy, so am I just self sabotaging or is this a legitimate concern? I have even given thought to allowing her to see other women. When I told her she got legitimately angry and told me not to change who I am because she loves me the way I am.

 

So do you think she can just turn off this part of who she is? Or if not turn it off just subdue it? Is it even fair for me to ask her to do so?

[TradiePhil]

Bump

 

No-one have any opinions on this?

[Kelley]

Maybe she didn't feel complete in her previous relationships and she does with you hence she is not interested in women. I think bi-sexual or not you commit to the person you love, and she is doing that. She has been clear she is happy with you, so leave it be.

 

There are no guarantees in any relationship you don't own that person they stay because they want to. It's not a case of switching her feelings off for other women, it's making a choice that she is happy with you and not interested in anyone else. Any couple over the course of 5 to 10 years could potentially cheat, it's not about her turning feelings off for women, it's not crossing the line. Just because we are in a relationship we don't stop being attracted to other people, we just don't do anything about it because we are in relationship. You are right to not like her having sex with other women because it's cheating. I would class it as that, let her make her choice like you have and enjoy where you are. Like I said just like every other couple that person makes a choice everyday to stay, there is nothing to be gained by overthinking!

[Gloria25]

What bothers me isn't whether she's bi or straight - what bothers me is that it seems like she cannot be with one person at a time, and seems to be using her bisexuality as an "excuse" to have her cake and eat it too.

[Els]

Has she ever been in a long-term monogamous R before (with any sex)?

[BluesPower]

I don't know what type of future you are planning, but if she is bi then she will want to be with a woman at some point.

 

If you can't deal with it then OK, you can't deal with it. But for me, if she wanted to have a GF or another GF that was bi as well and wanted a threesome that would be fine. You would for the most part be a bystander.

 

But for me if she needs that I say let her have that.

 

That choice is for you and her.

[TradiePhil]

Interesting comments. Thanks.

 

They fall much in line with the way I feel. One poster says there are no guarantees so give it a go, another says there are things that are bothersome. Makes it hard when both sides of my brain (and posters here) make good points.

 

The last relationship she was in was monogamous for about 4 of the 7 years. In the other three years it wasn't full blown affairs (if that's the right term), it was just the occasional dalliance.

 

As for the threesomes. No thanks. Been there when younger, I'm too emotional for it, nothing but trouble. If it works for you, good luck and enjoy.

 

You know allowing her to see a woman occasionally, very occasionally doesn't seem that bad. I think it's something I could be ok with. I just worry that opening the bag and allowing it would lead to more and more often. And I wouldn't be down with that.