Blindsided by breakup. Looking for clarity.

[Dumpee885]

Hello LoveShack! Although I never thought I'd see the day as a member, here I am.

 

I'm currently trying to recover from, and make sense of the most atypical blindsided breakup I've experienced, so I'm looking for clarity at this time from those not emotionally invested. Sorting through the confusion will hopefully help me find peace.

 

Backstory

Let me begin my "Cinderella" story: I (27M) met my girlfriend (27F) online in July, where we instantly hit it off, hanging out casually until becoming exclusive in September. Our official relationship was over as soon as it began and she broke up with me out of the blue in early December (3 months). Now I know this wasn't your typical 2 year live-in relationship, but for the months we were together, we were absolutely inseparable spending countless hours and endless nights with each other making memories.

 

In the earliest days, I shoved off initial compatibility concerns as I'm outgoing, social, with a type A personality, and she presented herself as a somewhat introvert who enjoyed time to herself. Because she moved to my city a few years back for a medical job and really had no local friends outside of work, I really latched onto the idea to introduce her to more people, show her new places, restaurants, etc as I'm a local. Some of our earliest memories were showing her and taking her to new places. For example, she hadn't been on the water so I took her out on my boat. I had so much joy sharing these times and expanding her horizons that I really fell for her.

 

Fast forward to the midst of our relationship and it was nothing short of amazing. With the way our schedules worked, we'd usually have the week off and spend all weekend together. This kept things exciting, fresh, and we really didn't have time to get sick of each other. Now even though we weren't hanging out, we'd text all day, share funny memes, banter on our political party etc. In many ways, our personalities ended up matching perfectly once she really opened up. Now when I fall for a girl, I have this natural tendency to give my all and treat her like a princess. This was absolutely no different. When we'd go out to eat, i'd pay. When she had a 6:00am flight to the airport, I took her. Cooked her breakfast. Made her dinner. Massages when she had migraines. Helped her clean her apartment on a Sunday before the week began, that kind of thing. I gave my all. She was definitely pleasing and giving, but it was never close to mutual when it came to who gave more.

 

When i'm emotionally involved in a relationship like this, I definitely remain cognizant of my feelings, and make sure my partner is on the same page so I'm all about the check-in. Everything always seemed very mutual and copacetic, but looking back I think it was rather one-sided how I would be me expressing my strong feelings, and her agreeing rather than leading those conversations. Up until the break-up we had ZERO fights, nags, etc. At one point she even claimed "I like you and we go really well together". The short point here is if something isn't brought to my attention, I don't know it exists, and I definitely can't improve on it. I guess I was blinded by love that everything was so perfect and we were 100% compatible.

 

Breakup

After texting all throughout the week totally normal and getting the typical "I can't wait to see you!" from her, we hung out Friday-Sunday and it was good. It was us being us, going out for drinks over laughs, cuddling watching movies, making dinner with each other etc. I'd say it would be overthinking it to say she was being reserved and/or reclusive. The only thing different than normal was her kind of stopping sex 3/4 through with a "it's not feeling good for me, but it's okay". All in all, it was a normal weekend and we talked about how we were going to celebrate her bday the following weekend. Here is where it goes from 60 to 0....

After dropping me off around 2:00pm on Sunday, we texted until she went quiet at 6:00pm. At 8:30pm she tells me was FaceTiming her best friend for two hours and that she's had a lot on her mind and that she needs to talk to me. At this point I'm shocked..keep in mind I was hanging out with her hours earlier...and she didn't raise a peep all weekend or anytime in the months prior. I agree to talk and she proceeds to share....

"I feel like we're on different pages. I feel that I'm maybe not as into this as you are and that's an uncomfortable position for me to be in, because I don't know if it's going to improve. I feel bad honestly because you have been really great, I do like you, and I like spending time with you and I hate it, but I just worry that the romantic feelings are not on the same level." I of course am absolutely sidelined and shocked by all of this, and I feel like she really made me walk a plank by saving face for I assume weeks because she was SO clicked in. After asking her if she would be willing to meet me half way by not giving up, she said "I would like for this to work because you are a great person but I just don't know how things are going to change at a pace that would be fair to you." The conversation got a lot more drawn out, but she was absolutely stuck on the fact that my feelings are stronger than hers and she thinks it's not fair to proceed.

 

I guess this brings up the biggest point: why is someone willing to throw in the towel so easily and not even give it a chance especially when nothing was brought up previously? I don't want a fairweather lover but i'm blinded by my feelings. All my begging and pleading (foolish I know) fell on deaf ears and she wasn't interested in my willingness to fix things and see if things improved. She just said her tank was on E and can't be in a relationship right now. Obviously I feel incredibly short sided as I treated her like royalty and feel like I wasn't good enough. Does her introverted personality play a part in that she values her alone time highly and was afraid of commitment? She did have one other short fling earlier this year. After working hard to be a good guy for her, it's obviously a gut punch that she weighed the pros and cons of dating me and felt she was better off alone. I'm not going to beg someone to let me give her the world...

 

Since The Breakup

In the weeks since we split, she's exhibited very hot & cold behavior leaving me more than confused. At times shes sent me snapchats, viewed all my snapchat stories, has texted me first where we've had fun pre-breakup like conversations "I like talking to you", has told me this has been very hard on her and that she misses me. On the flip side, when I've tried to "win her back" (I know, know) she's mentioned that "I'm not sure if I want to jump back into anything. And if we met up I don't want to give off the wrong idea of where I'm at and I don't think I'm there yet". As well as "although I like talking to you, I feel like it complicates my feelings to be talking. For me to be in a clear mind I need time for me". So here is a girl who goes on to tell me three weeks after dumping me she still has feelings for me and and is conflicted in her thoughts and which way she wants to go....I mean I feel like the door is definitely not shut. But DOES THIS GIRL EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!?

 

I finally started strict NC as of last Wednesday and simply disappeared everywhere..no more fb posts, snap stories, insta pics, texts, etc as of last Wednesday. This is definitely the first time in 5 months she's never had a read on me. I want to start the healing process as I'm hurt and my friends tell me maybe I dodged a bullet as I would have never been able to appease her, but I'm extremely conflicted. At least I'm content in how I treated her and don't regret a thing. I didn't lie, cheat, yell, etc. I greatly appreciate everyone's thoughts and where I should go from here.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Dumpee885

[riki]

Dude I kinda have the same thing going on with a classmate of mine in medical school. I know its tough but I don't think you will get much clarity - asking them doesn't help much. It can be a myriad of reasons - does you ex have a tendency to rush into relationships?

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps someone from her past has resurfaced.

[Dumpee885]

One thing I forgot to mention was this:

 

Red Flag?

Although I cared deeply for my gf, I think one thing that came to light was that she deep down did have a somewhat cold/bitchy attitude. This came to light when talking about her coworkers and even her best friend behind her back, as well as being annoyed when she had to speak to her mom on the phone. She once made the comment to me "you know how rare it is for me to like people. Even people I like get super annoying if I spend too much time with them. So yeah, I definitely value alone time". I should have hit the door that day because I never thought I'd be on the receiving end...

[LargoLagg]

First, welcome to the club! It is a rite of passage for men and women alike.

 

You asked a question:

why is someone willing to throw in the towel so easily and not even give it a chance especially when nothing was brought up previously?

One of two things has happened here. Either you and she were on the same page, and now she's not, or you sped right past her in terms of mutual affection.

What probably happened was that at some point, she noticed the difference. This may have even bothered her, because I'm convinced that she actually likes you, and probably had no reason not to like you. But like isn't enough. Love isn't even enough. There has to be a willingness, a desire to take it further. That doesn't always exist.

 

Most likely, she'd been struggling with how to explain that to you, and maybe even hoping that this desire would emerge. When she broke up, it was right after she figured out that she was never going to feel that way about you. It doesn't mean that she doesn't see your value, it just means that she's not feeling it.

 

The solution? The only solution is for you to accept and be ok with the fact that this is never going to happen between you. I get the sense that she's trying not to be mean. But if you'd kept on pestering her for what she's clearly said NO to, she'd get mean. They all do.

 

What you need to get used to is that this is the way things are. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out her exact reasons, but I'm going to tell you she probably doesn't even know. Why do we love someone? Are they really the greatest person we know? No. We have no idea why we love the people we love. There are better looking, better smelling, smarter, richer, you name it, other people have more, but we love who we love. We don't know why. It's the same with not loving someone, even if you once did. We don't know why - we just know we don't.

 

She's done the right thing by you. She told you. Take her word for it, stick with your NC, or don't, the only thing that will change is the speed of your recovery. Learn to live for yourself again, not for her. It's a slow change back to where you were.

[jamili]

Painful to read as this story probably hits close to home for many of us. Many of us were once like you i think - we find a person we fall head over heels for, and they seem yo be reciprocating it 100% for the majority of the relationship... and then, out of nowhere, BAM it's over - and you are left confused because the person showed no evidence of being on a different page before this.

 

But, like i said we were once like you. Experiences like this will change a person. It will make you way more guarded and skeptical in the future, and you will be much slower to develop feelings for a person again. This might seem sad or jaded, but I'm personally convinced this is a good thing. Uou will want to take it slower in the future and YOU will be the one who is less into them than they are into you. This is a very good, safe place to be - because you dont risk scaring off those avoidant types that seem so common, and you keep their interest and attraction levels up, since this whole dating/courting thing is so strangely counterintuitive. Im of the belief that you NEVER want to be the one who is "more interested" in the relationship, foe this is the Kiss of Death.

 

Realize you didnt do anything wrong, its just that some people (most, maybe) get turned off if they see you are more interested than them. All those nice things you did - cook her breakfast, massages, driving her to the airport l, etc. - yup we have all done that - and yep for some people it kills attraction. It sounds like you are a sweet, caring and sensitive man, and there are some women out there who will appreciate that, but i still think its nearly universal that overdoing that sort of thing can turn off women. This of course is my opinion, from experiences and trial and error, since i used to be just like you. Becoming less attached to the next girl, which will probably happen if you jave been damaged enough by this, will be a good thing for you because you will maintain her interest level for longer.

 

Sorry if this sounds cynical, i dont mean to be, its just that this is the conclusion that many of us come to from trial and error in dating. Take things more slowly, keep your feelings at bay for much longer, never allow your interest level to exceed theirs and err on the side of being conservative with it - dial it back. As far as this girl goes, i think your only chance is to go NC and move on. She seems like the type who would only consider getting back eith you after you were 100% over her and your interest level is at zero- that might peak her interest, but it's probably your only shot.

 

Walk away, dont look back, and IF she ever contacts you again play cool, dont show interest and let her come to you, and dont be eager if she does either... that might cause her to run again... you would have to really, really alow it down and dial it back. Im crossing my fingers for you buddy, i feel your pain :\

[Dumpee885]

I greatly appreciate all the feedback and good advice. I think what does continue to eat away at me is the fact that opening up and communicating her feelings is admittedly hard for her.

 

This obviously leaves a bad taste in my mouth that if there were issues in her mind, and she didn't give me an opportunity to fix them...it would have always been doomed.

 

I guess I do find peace in the fact that I don't have to look back with regret, as it's possible even if things were different or I did better...it just as easily could have ended. On the bright side, I have for the first time started seeing things she brought to the table i'm happy to live without. The 8-10 point checklist makes me a little happy.

 

In the end of the day, I still feel like this girl is conflicted. Although she was upfront and honest, everything post break up has been so wishy washy and hot and cold. I've continued to stay no contact which gets easier day by day, but you always think of what could have been.

 

question: If a girl breaks up with a guy, continues to stay in conversation with him, and three weeks later claims "it's not that I don't like talking, but it just makes it harder to sort through my feelings"..what is that to mean? I figured her feelings/doubts/regrets would have been gone?

[Dumpee885]

Have you blocked her from all your social media accounts? Have you blocked her phone number and email address? Any chance you're going to run into her often? Are any mutual friends likely to feed you snippets of info about her?

 

I've unfollowed her, haven't been browsing any of her stuff, and haven't had any posts for her to view on any platforms even if she could. No mutual friends are in the picture, and no chance I would run into her as we live 30 minutes apart.

 

The last thing I did know is she was going to celebrate NYE with a couple we did a few double dates with and happily be the third wheel. I feel like this girl couldn't be pleased no matter what.

 

I think it became more than clear once we were over that she has been in a few really bad relationships where she was manipulated and stayed for the wrong reasons. And when I fought for her, she thought I was trying to manipulate her feelings...while being a good guy. Confusion runs high with this one.

[VeveCakes]

She's just not that into you. She tried to tell you nicely but you won't take no for an answer.

 

There is nothing you can do to change this.

 

Best bet is NC- true NC and move on.

[Dumpee885]

She's just not that into you. She tried to tell you nicely but you won't take no for an answer. There is nothing you can do to change this.

 

Best bet is NC- true NC and move on.

 

Veve,

I appreciate the insight. It's not that I'm not willing to take no for an answer nor has she not been perfectly blunt, but every turn of the fold since the breakup, pre NC, shes changed her tune. In the times I did share my willingness to improve and fix things she had issues with...she definitely was more than hearing me out.

 

I understand her snapchatting me or texting me first was probably an ego stroke, but it sure felt weird to have pre break up conversations again. The last thing I said to her before NC was:

 

"What is your true worry with feelings being unbalanced? Are you worried they won't come around?"

 

She replied: "I mean obviously there are other issues I've addressed with you but yeah. I'm worried your feelings might be getting stronger, and mine are not or staying the same. It's early on to have those concerns where it's effecting your relationship. I'm glad you understand it's hard to work through these things on my end without fully taking time apart and stepping back"

 

So yes it appears our off/on conversations left her conflicted. And it was after this message I disappeared.

[ExpatInItaly]

I greatly appreciate all the feedback and good advice. I think what does continue to eat away at me is the fact that opening up and communicating her feelings is admittedly hard for her.

 

This obviously leaves a bad taste in my mouth that if there were issues in her mind, and she didn't give me an opportunity to fix them...it would have always been doomed.

 

I guess I do find peace in the fact that I don't have to look back with regret, as it's possible even if things were different or I did better...it just as easily could have ended. On the bright side, I have for the first time started seeing things she brought to the table i'm happy to live without. The 8-10 point checklist makes me a little happy.

 

In the end of the day, I still feel like this girl is conflicted. Although she was upfront and honest, everything post break up has been so wishy washy and hot and cold. I've continued to stay no contact which gets easier day by day, but you always think of what could have been.

 

question: If a girl breaks up with a guy, continues to stay in conversation with him, and three weeks later claims "it's not that I don't like talking, but it just makes it harder to sort through my feelings"..what is that to mean? I figured her feelings/doubts/regrets would have been gone?

 

This is what makes me wonder whether there's another guy on her radar, maybe an ex. It's not unusual for people to feel conflicted when they're dating a good person but an old flame pops up or someone new catches their eye altogether. The dumper might indeed be confused about which way to go, especially if they're not sure if the other prospect feels the same way they do. Thus, they hang on in some way to both people, which isn't fair.

 

Just speculating.

 

It could also be that she is trying to let you down "gently" by hinting that you need to stop contacting her...not because she's confused, but because she wants to be left alone without sounding like a jerk.

[VeveCakes]

 

She replied: "I mean obviously there are other issues I've addressed with you but yeah. I'm worried your feelings might be getting stronger, and mine are not or staying the same. It's early on to have those concerns where it's effecting your relationship. I'm glad you understand it's hard to work through these things on my end without fully taking time apart and stepping back"

 

So yes it appears our off/on conversations left her conflicted. And it was after this message I disappeared.

 

Shes conflicted as to whether she wants to maintain a relationship with luke warm feelings. As in, do I continue to date you and get the perks involved and have company or do I be alone and not string you along...

 

Women who are into you don't do these things. I wish I was wrong here but I don't think I am. Sorry.

[jellybean824]

First, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Second, even though you are looking for clarity, I am afraid that is not mine to give. It's hard to move on when we love someone so deeply. You may always wonder "what went wrong." But, as you said, you don't want a fair-weather love relationship. True love doesn't change with the tides, circumstances, or differences of opinion. What does change, often, is our feelings. Feelings are there for a reason, but can be incredibly fickle. I think your choice to go NC is probably the smartest move. It will take time, but you will get through this.

[LitTunnel]

I think what's important OP is that next time you gauge your woman's emotional state and make necessary adjustments. It's hard for us men to figure this out but if you can take a moment to analyze their actions it could give clues as to what should be done from our end.

 

For example, if you notice her not calling as much, well, you should stop the calls as well. Let HER call you first. If she's being too bitchy/moody and you feel something is off then you must get down to the bottom of things right then and there and get her to open up. Of course you want to do it it in a fun and playful way, but open her up. If you're becoming to physically available, fall back a bit. Don't become too predictable. Don't kiss her ass too much. And don't always be too nice. Sometimes a woman needs a little attitude from your end. Not too much, just enough to let her see that you are your own boss.

 

I think what happen was you become way to available, predictable and smothered her and that ran her straight to the hills. From here on out don't call/text her AT ALL. Disappear from her existence like Houdini and I'm being totally serious here. No emails, calls, texts, face time, NOTHING. Who knows, you just MIGHT have a shot with her down the line but only SHE can engage, not YOU. During this time every part of your being is going to want to reach out to her, but I repeat, if you do it's a guaranteed death sentence. No amount of convincing yourself is going to work by reaching out to her. Trust me dude, I learned the hard way. I made a complete fool of myself. It'll only make matters worse. You must NEVER reach out to her unless she reaches out to you first, in the future. Meanwhile do some reading on relationships and get more familiar with how to be an Alpha male. I think you need it, to be honest. I mean don't get me wrong, you're a cool dude and you're very honorable and respectful and considerate and many women out there would die to have someone like you but the ones that YOU like will get turned off after a while because of the fact that you're too available and predictable.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 16, 2017 by LitTunnel

[jorgeg3d]

What bothers me most about most relationships. I see most dumpees are men, and most men have no clue as to why things ended. Why is this?

 

Well, my theory is lack of clear communication. Because women tend to speak out based on emotions and are rarely clear as to what is actually going on. If a man can't decipher what a woman is saying, then tough luck for him, eventually she'll quite and leave.

 

Unless its something that obviousness went wrong in the relationship. This tends to be the case.

[SevenCity]

First, let me say I'm a strait dude but if I were gay you sound dreamy with all your giving and fun times lol.

 

Analyzing your situation it appears you did everything correctly. However, it's not. As eluded to by posters here a woman needs to feel like she is earning YOU. Women are emotional beings and they have to feel an amount of challenge in order to make them feel like they have won a prize. Acting like her doormat is the quickest way to turn her off. Often times you won't get a strait answer out of why your girl left because she doesn't know herself. She just "feels" it's not right.

 

As guys we try to logically analyze a situation and project our feelings onto the girl. As mentioned, you should always have them chasing more than you are. You should also only use the phone for setting dates and not become too available. Unlike us, her feelings will grow when she's unsure on your feelings.

 

After my girl of 7 years left me I started doing research and came across Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% man". It completely changed my life. You will find similar stories from guys in his videos on YouTube where the breakup "Came out of no where" and his analysis of what went wrong.

 

It's great to do all that stuff for a girl but only after she has earned it and she is reciprocating. That's why the "bad boys" get the girls. It's the attitude of "I'm happy to have you, and I'm equally happy if you leave". As a man you have to be a mountain, a rock. You have an awesome life and will share it with her and it will be equally as awesome if she's no longer in it.

 

I also have been reading "The 5 love languages - singles edition " by Gary Chapman. It describes what people need in order to feel loved. You seem to fall under "quality time" and she may not.

 

Now here's the rub, you can do everything 100% correct and she can still leave. And you have to be ok with that. You don't know the back story - ex bf, commitment phobe, etc.

 

You really threw yourself in too quickly and she realized you liked her more than she liked you. But it's not a loss - you will learn and grow from this and with the next girl....and there will be another one...you will do it right as long as you do the work.

 

Once you read Corey's book you'll see women acting as if they are following a script. I'm amazed that everything he said was true with the 3 girls I seriously dated since my ex dumped me 4 months ago. It's not easy to do things right all the time, but it gets easier when you see the positive responses. You'll get to a point where you realize you are such a great catch that women have to earn YOU.

[kztar]

YESSSS this is what I call SUCCESS. Hugs and continue your way to a healthy path.