tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Towards the end of the relationship, she kept talking about what online guides say about our relationship and how it wouldn't last. She kept talking about self improvement when we are single and that we are better off alone. We got back together shortly after the first breakup, but nothing really changed once we got back. This girl broke up with me and said she needs a year of No contact just to get over me. What is the deal? The second time she kept reiterating that there wasn't enough self improvement, during the breakup and that it needed to end. Part of me believes she is just reading those blogs about getting your ex to change, during a no contact period, for the relationship was pretty controlling. She was a commitment phobe and everything ended both times pretty fast and with weird reason why it needed to end.
jamili Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Towards the end of the relationship, she kept talking about what online guides say about our relationship and how it wouldn't last. She kept talking about self improvement when we are single and that we are better off alone. We got back together shortly after the first breakup, but nothing really changed once we got back. This girl broke up with me and said she needs a year of No contact just to get over me. What is the deal? The second time she kept reiterating that there wasn't enough self improvement, during the breakup and that it needed to end. Part of me believes she is just reading those blogs about getting your ex to change, during a no contact period, for the relationship was pretty controlling. She was a commitment phobe and everything ended both times pretty fast and with weird reason why it needed to end. Wow, this sounds familiar... eery! Did we date the same person? Since I'm going through this same thing... and had "NC initiated on me by the dumper", I'd suggest doing what I'm doing - give them the NC they want! Move on, let her fester for a year or whatever she plans on doing. DON'T wait around for her during that year, just move on as if you have broken up permanently, and never break NC. IF a year, or whatever time period pass, and she contacts you again or wants to reconcile... THEN worry about it. But for now I'd walk away and not look back.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Wow, this sounds familiar... eery! Did we date the same person? Since I'm going through this same thing... and had "NC initiated on me by the dumper", I'd suggest doing what I'm doing - give them the NC they want! Move on, let her fester for a year or whatever she plans on doing. DON'T wait around for her during that year, just move on as if you have broken up permanently, and never break NC. IF a year, or whatever time period pass, and she contacts you again or wants to reconcile... THEN worry about it. But for now I'd walk away and not look back. Glad to know someone feels the same way I do! Like we dated for 1.8 years and the first 1.5 years were great., for we only fought at the end. It was only until she brought up marriage, and I agreed that we could in the future. After that she changed everything about herself and started pushing me away. Every time we broke up it was over the phone/text, and it seemed like there were no solid reasons. We got back together, for she saw that I was fine without her and doing fine after a week. After two months, she said we just weren't compatible, didn't have deep conversations, and if we saw each other we would just get back together. It was like she was just basing everything on online guides and we couldn't last. It's been hard for the first time I blamed myself, but this time I realized it is her fears.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Like if you saw someone you dumped, would you really fear about getting back together. Like I've dumped people, and I don't worry about getting back together with them. That's like "I love you, but I fear what will happen in the future." We were compatible in most ways, but she just wasn't vocal. She would hold things in until she burst, which I kinda do, and then that would push me farther away. Hard to be deep when you feel the distance.
dumbass2 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 She did you a favor this time by saying what she did. Now no responding if she tries to contact you. Her rules that will actually benefit you
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 She did you a favor this time by saying what she did. Now no responding if she tries to contact you. Her rules that will actually benefit you Yeah, you are right. it is just annoying when they talk about marrying you, and next week they are like "we will break up in a couple years from now", and "I can't give you what you need." She only has one real friend, no job, and no car, so part of me feels like she will try when we are at school in about a month . Right now I have started rock climbing and counseling to help open myself up, for I do dislike being open with a lot of things. The only way I will open channels is if she realized how she always pushes people away and will be alone forever if she doesn't change.
jamili Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Yeah, you are right. it is just annoying when they talk about marrying you, and next week they are like "we will break up in a couple years from now", and "I can't give you what you need." She only has one real friend, no job, and no car, so part of me feels like she will try when we are at school in about a month . Right now I have started rock climbing and counseling to help open myself up, for I do dislike being open with a lot of things. The only way I will open channels is if she realized how she always pushes people away and will be alone forever if she doesn't change. I came to the same conclusion about my ex- she pushes people away, I wasn't the first and I won't be the last. Like you said, a commitment 'phobe and fears of getting too close. Likely avoidant-attachment type too. These are problems you sadly cannot do anything about. You weren't the first, you won't be the last, and it's out of your hands. Best thing you can do is try to find a woman who isn't like this, and won't push you away when you start to get close. Maybe someday she will work out her problems and come back to you as a healthy individual looking for a committed LTR.. but for now it's completely beyond you. Sorry, I know you love her, and I feel your pain as I'm going through the same thing with the same type of girl right now :\
Miss Spider Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) I was a 'dumper' ..sorta.. Basically told the guy I needed to move on from him so not talk to who anymore. I took it a step further and told him I was blocking him. Not the most mature move,that, but looking back now, I regret nothing because I knew I needed the NC to fully extricate the person from my life. Sometimes we know it won't work out whether "we like someone or not, , there's something that makes us not want to continue the relationship. Something is lacking or too much or not enough, whatever. so NC is the best course of action. of course she could have just used it for an excuse ...or any myriad of reasons. She found someone else etc. But this is my perspective. I will say I don't believe the whole "pushing a guy away" in this circumstance. If a girl is really into you and you are treating her positively I doubt she's going to cut you off out of nowhere and burn the bridge. Edited January 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Towards the end there was a bunch of problems that made me emotionally distance, so the timing to everything wasn't good. It was a push pull relationship, so when I got stressed I became clingy/ wanting to hang out with her more. She likes being an individual, but she doesn't really leave her house too much. After a while, she started getting mad that I was constantly there, and would turn on things that we got together for. We had a talk about kids and she never wanted kids, while I may want one depending on the situation. If I have money and my partner is down, then it is all for me. Basically she has a lot of baggage that has weighed her down. Her first boyfriend sexually assaulted her, so after a year and a half she didn't want sex. She said that she never wanted it and I needed it. Her last boyfriend before me cheated on her and then they got back together. Later she broke up with him and got with me.... I kinda feel like this was happening to me, for she deleted her main fb account and became cold. Her parents got married early and had two kids, but they hated each other. They got divorced, but got back together due to financial reasons. They have only lived in a grandparents' house. That is how bad it was for her. She was constantly in relationship since she was 13 up until now. She kept fearing we would end up like her parents, since they have nothing incoming, but we had a bunch of things in coming. Like video games, Hiking, movies, animals, and other things. Just after she brought up marriage she just changed so much and kept saying she didn't have enough to put effort into the relationship. I do understand, for since high school she has dropped out a lot. She has commitment problems in a bunch of areas of her life. School, friends, and relationships. When we were together she dropped out of college two times, but I still stayed, since I had my own problems with it.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) It took us 3 months to label ourselves as bf/gf, it took even longer for her to show affection out in public, and she was afraid to meet my friends/family. She introduced me to her family and it seemed like they liked me. They even invited me to their family trip and the mother bought me concert tickets. She has just had so many negative experiences in her life that she is afraid to open up, and same with me. She is a active CP, while I am a passive CP. She never had friends in the area, and it was this one girl, who isn't the best role model in some areas. After the first break up it made my self esteem disappear, for I kept second guessing myself, when she would say it wasn't me. The annoying thing is that she broke up in over phone/texts and said if we saw each other, we would just end up staying together. Why would someone even say that if they are adamant about breaking up? One the saddest thing happened a last year, she decided to go camping on a mountain near the Observatory in LA. I was currently in Hawaii, and i get a phone call that it was so cold and that she was scared, and decided to pack up and head back down the mountain. She was lost and asked me to stay on the phone, and after 2 hours of navigating her through maps, I navigated her down the mountain and back to her car. It was the hardest night, for I was so worried she would die, and she never wanted me to leave the phone. Edited January 3, 2017 by tdave491
Nadine123 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 The annoying thing is that she broke up in over phone/texts and said if we saw each other, we would just end up staying together. I tried breaking up with my ex twice face to face and on the phone and he always seemed to suck me back into it. This is why I decided to do it via text and didnt answer any of his calls or texts after. Anyone who knows me knows that im too nice and cant say no (not a good thing). Maybe this is why she didnt want to meet up. Im just telling you this so you dont think it is something bigger than it is.
LargoLagg Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 No matter how they do it, anybody who goes out of their way to tell you that you shouldn't be together, your best move is always to believe it. 1
marky00 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) So many times on LS, we hear dumpees saying "but 2 months prior to breakup, we had marriage plans etc". This is extremely common. 3 reasons for it: 1) When someone is checking out of a relationship, they will often bring up huge ideas like marriage. I believe can be an over-compensation thing. So, they not really feeling it so they rely on grand statement to appease the situation. 2) The other reason is that they want to leave a reasonably good impression on you that they "tried" to care. 3) They have already arrived at their conclusion but having the talk about marriage or w/e allows them to analyse their personal reaction, which will almost always confirm what their initial conclusion was. My ex gf was very similar to yours. Towards end, we had the marriage and kids conversation so I spent quite a lot of time understanding what was behind it. Edited January 3, 2017 by marky00
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Yeah it is just hard, for we had a lot of trouble after I damage my leg, kinda due to a sexual act. This left me in pain whenever I hiked or biked. Other than that, she texted me one year in about how we needed to talk, for I wasn't working at the time. She said I needed to work, for she believed that I couldn't be the only one working. This caused me to take a job that I constantly hated. it was a food service job that took a lot of my self esteem. I kept worrying about supporting her in the future that it me worry alot. I never wanted show her that side, so i kept quiet. She got a second job after 2 months she quit both of them. She sold her car and everything, After that she was super critical about everything. It was hard, for we talked about moving into a house in a different stake and making a life together. With the leg problem it hurt me a lot, for I am a petty active guy, but it caused me alot of physical pain and made me depressed. It lasted for a year until we broke up and I worked tirelessly that it would be fixed. It caused us alot of stress towards the end, for we didn't go out as much.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 I guess what is more annoying is the fact she wouldn't want me to do things for her. I couldn't buy her big gifts, show alot of affection, or a lot of things. She would freak out and shut down. She wanted to dance, but was afraid of it. I wanted to dance with her but she would freak out. I guess what I am trying to say is early on precondition me to not try as hard. She didn't care about anniversaries or dates. That nothing normal was important.
marky00 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 yup very similar to me,, my dog got deaf in an operation, I became a carer 24/7 (besides work) for over a year, because if I wasn't home, get all the noise complaints. It was an incredible amount of stress that wore me down. My ex, kind of told me a few brief comments like "oh its, ur life, what will you do?" etc but its hard to deal with emotional problems logically sometimes. She really just stood back, which made me go more introverted which just made things worse. This was about 7 years into the relationship. Our cases are similar but remember if u had a partner that was 110% into you, they would have wanted to come to your rescue, not stand back and let the attraction fizzle away.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 I'm 24 and she is 19, so i constantly defend her, I just thought she was super shy, even though she tried super hard to be with me early on. She was my definition of a dream girl, but she didn't want me to share it with the world. After a period of time we did, but she just stop after I couldn't express myself, which is a major problem. Throughout my life, I just allow **** to slowly come to me. If something bad happens, I expected it to, but this felt different. It's like she was worried that I didn't care, and I worried that she didn't care. Towards the end, i just shut down when she said she had no effort. Mostly a friends suicide and my mother thought to have had als caused me to be quite. we just weren't vocal in the relationship. It was like we were just there, for we have been together for a while. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but the past kept getting in the way. Long history of people just not caring about what I had to say, or my feelings, so I held it in.
marky00 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 seems like u have an inner dialogue going. I will leave you to it.
Author tdave491 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 yup very similar to me,, my dog got deaf in an operation, I became a carer 24/7 (besides work) for over a year, because if I wasn't home, get all the noise complaints. It was an incredible amount of stress that wore me down. My ex, kind of told me a few brief comments like "oh its, ur life, what will you do?" etc but its hard to deal with emotional problems logically sometimes. She really just stood back, which made me go more introverted which just made things worse. This was about 7 years into the relationship. Our cases are similar but remember if u had a partner that was 110% into you, they would have wanted to come to your rescue, not stand back and let the attraction fizzle away. Yeah that can wear a lot on you especially, when you don't know when you stand. She had a lot of pet rats, and they were her best friends in way. One died during our first break up, and another before. One of her two remaining rats got the same sickness that took the others, and I did everything in my power to help. I made some oregano oil, which was said to help in the situation, and he is still alive, but we feared it would die. Sadly the last one died due to getting into nasal spray, which i was using. It hurt, for I have a problem with not putting stuff away,so knowing she died due to something i left haunted me. I dropped over a hundred dollars to save her life, but it didn't work. After that my ex became distant to me again. I kept worrying that it was my fault and that i had made her so sad. She would say it wasn't me, but wouldn't act the same. We just couldn't communicate together, which destroyed us. we were afraid to open up. In my defense it was hard after we me a plan, and she went complexly 180 on everything. It was like everything we built up to didn't matter.
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