elhacedor Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Hello everyone. I would like to share here the story of my breakup. Since it's the only topic I can and want to talk about right now, I do not want to bother my friends and family any further and I would rather talk to people who are going through the same right now. My girlfriend and I were together for 10 months. We met in my country, where she was studying, and our plan was to break up when she returned, three months later. But things turned to be different. I went to visit her to her country, then she returned here to my country to extend her studies and continue our relationship. We lived together, we set up our apartment, and she was starting to look for a job here. Until now, although it was true that there were fights, it was the most satisfactory relationship I had in my life, and the first really committed (although I have 28). We were even starting to talk about marriage and children. I had never experienced so much love in my life, and as far as I know she was and is deeply in love with me as well. We were a good team, and we spent a lot of time together every day (I was changing jobs and she was studying, so we had free afternoons). We never got bored of each other, and time still flewing when we were together. The main problem, on my part, was a low self-esteem that occasionally made me feel unworthy of her, and sometimes jealous (not of other men, but of other people in general, if you know what I mean). And, for his part, a deep concern for the future, to decide whether I was his soul mate or not, if it was worth staying here. He also has a long story of fear-of-commitment (left a guy just before their wedding), but she is 35 and is looking to settle down and start a family. Two months ago, after a big fight, she decided to end the relationship, convinced that we would have no future together, although she still wanted to be with me. She said that love is not enough to keep going, and she was tired of the arguments. Then we lived together one more month before she left, doing normal life as a couple, and a relative happiness, without more problems. Until the last moment we were kissing and saying words of love. However, she had warned that it would be better to go NC later, because she was afraid that I could not move on. I accepted it, tough it felt and feels terrible, but before I left a letter (with declarations of love and hope) in her bag, and now I regret that I did that. She only sent me a message to let me know when she arrived there, with the excuse that her father had been angry with her for not doing so. I reminded her of the NC rule, and I strictly kept it up. Now it's been two weeks since she left. I unfriended her on Facebook, and I warned our friends in common (and my mother, with whom she formed a strong bond and still talks to) not to tell me anything about her. Still, I'm devastated. I do not feel entirely the dumped in this case, which is probably complacency. Now I have the common feelings: that she was special, that I will never find someone like that, and that I DO NOT WANT to move on. And I’m all the time –literally, all the time- thinking about her. Sometimes I prefer to cling to the stupid hope that she will return, or at least write to me, but I know it's hopeless, and I just feel miserable. Thank you for reading and please excuse my poor English.
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Hi there, welcome to the lonely hearts club. I just went through what you are going through in August, and while I feel slightly better most days today I am having a very rough one. I miss cooking with him and sharing our lives. I miss him so much and he truly is unique to me. We did fight as well but I am disappointed he gave up on us, and he actually immediately had found someone else (probably even before we broke up) so that hurts extra. It is a terrible feeling to lose someone who is special to you and to not speak to them anymore. I know how you feel and feel that way every day. It is something that a lot of people go through but the fact that other people go through it, is only a small bit of help, because the feeling is so awful. It sounds like she saw it (and you too at first) as a shorter-term relationship and that circumstances were preventing her from seeing you two having a future. I have heard that relationships that grow apart over distance can sometimes get back together when those circumstances change. But it's probably not a good idea to hold out hope of that. I too got jealous and it was rather silly as I actually am not too jealous but I just was giving him a hard time so he would show he loved me. It made him anxious and upset though. Lots to my story if you check out my posts. Time helps too and also just understanding that it couldn't work out as it was. But I am sorry for your pain.
Author elhacedor Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Hi, thank you for your answer. It made me feel a bit less lonely. I'm sorry that you are going through this as well, and I hope that tomorrow you have a better day. I've been reading some of your posts and there are some things in common with my story... I guess that our fear of losing that special one made us behave in ridiculous ways, and that made us lose them. I would like to put the hope aside, but I can't help but think that she is still in love with me... On the other hand, I don't see how we could work this out. Coming back to a person that has left me once would be too rough for me... But I still miss her so much...
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 The worst part was I was completely devastated, I cried all the time. And all he could do was be cold and angry at me. And he got furious at me because he thought I had interfered with hm and his new lady. I don't regret it though because he was cruel to me, and could not care less about how horrible I felt after 2 years of him telling me he loved me. He wanted to hook up physically and emotionally with this new woman, and I was in the way. It felt horrible to be treated that way. He actually told me "you ruined my entire weekend" with her as if he hadn't ruined my whole life at that time.
Author elhacedor Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 I can see why you are upset... But probably it's better this way. ¿Would you really like to be with a man who is so cruel to you? I think he was honest when he said he loved you, but even the deepest feeling can change. Maybe he feels he has to be cruel to put some distance between you two.
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 It could be. NC feels a bit cruel but it helps us get over them also.
Author elhacedor Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 I think so.... But it drives me mad that she is still texting with my mother and friends. It feels so unfair! I would like to tell her, but that would be breaking the NC.
spiderowl Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 I am sorry to hear your story. I understand how painful it is to suddenly cut off like that. It will improve if you keep her out of sight and earshot. I am also sorry this girl is keeping in touch with you mother. Why is your rmother allowing this? It seems very thoughtless of her. She should be aware that this girl has hurt you and has no place in her life any more. You need to make your mother aware that this is hurting you more. 1
Author elhacedor Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 Thank you for your advice. I did exactly what you said. My mother understood me, and told me she was replying my ex just to be polite and hoping that she can help me getting her back. Yesterday, my ex texted me to tell me that she had found the letter I left in her bag. She told me it was beautiful and made her cry, but that she still won't change her mind. She says that misses me a lot, reads my old texts and see my photos every night, but she is looking for somebody who is more trustworthy. Now I'm finally beggining to accept that I lost the most beautiful relationship of my life. A part of my heart still insists that this love is unforgettable and sooner or later we will be together, but I'm trying to block this kind of thoughts.
Broken-Hearted-Girl Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 Hi! Sorry you're going through this. There's nothing more painful than heartbreak.. and although you're being strict with NC, holding onto hope will not allow you to start the healing process. Even though this girl may seem perfect right now.. you will soon realise that another girl will come into your life and accept all your flaws & reassure you of all those insecurities you have, rather than leaving. Someone will think you're worth fighting for. Be strong and remember: time heals all wounds, but only if you move on with it. 1
Author elhacedor Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 (edited) Thank you very much for your comment. I'm trying to stay positive. I miss her all the time, and sometimes the pain is so much and I just want her back. But then I do my best to remember why it didn't work, and why it could not work. Of course, I have flaws, which I would like to change, on my own or with someone more sympathetic by my side. She also has her flaws, and I accepted and understood them. ¿How is it going for you? Edited January 5, 2017 by elhacedor
Author elhacedor Posted January 8, 2017 Author Posted January 8, 2017 (edited) A couple of days ago I started a thread in the "Coping" section about how I was starting to feel better. Although the pain comes and goes, I no longer have feelings of despair and I am accepting that my relationship has ended for good. Last night I went to a party, it was the birthday of an old friend from high school. There were many new people, which for me is a typical out-of-my-comfort-zone situation. But in this case I felt very good, relieved. Those people did not know my ex. They did not know who I was with my ex. They were meeting the new person I am becoming now. It was a big step for me. I realized as well that I can still talk to new people and be liked by them. Suddenly, as I began to feel better, I thought of my ex, and I felt a sudden discomfort all over my body. I wondered if she was doing exactly the same as me. Meeting new people. Forgetting me. Getting away from me every second. It felt awful. Acceptance is very different from moving on. Although we have not talked for almost 20 days now, I felt the connection with my ex is still very real. And one of the most painful parts of the process is accepting that I have lost the meaningful place I used to have in my ex's life and mind. I know it's pure selfishness, but still feels terrible. I've never believed in that true love means letting go and wishing the other person to be happy. Maybe when you are a parent, that defines the love for your children. But romantic love is very different. When you see other person as unique and special, you will naturally want to be wanted by this person, get her attention, be a part of her life. Love can be great, but alos very selfish. I think that when you truly wish the best for the other AND don't care about them being apart from you, that means you've actually moved on, and maybe are only very fond of her. Edited January 8, 2017 by elhacedor
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