anyonecandoit Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) My story is kind of like everyone else involving a coworker. He started eye contact, flirting with me in the office. At that time I didn't know that he had a gf that has been with him since high school and they have been living together since they started dating. And he then made everyone in the office know that he liked me. But the different part of the story is that I never allowed it happen that he could have a date or could touch me. Then he went on to get engaged with his gf. After he got engaged, he seemed to be more passionate about me. In the cafe at lunch, he would stare at me for an hour. When I came out of the bathroom, he could watch me until I'm gone from his sight. But honestly I always have my bottom line so I'm not bewildered by any of his action. One day I really cannot bear it then I asked him, "did you want a talk?". You know what this ********* said, he told me, "if you want a talk, talk to the HR", and he even initiated a talk with HR. Then I told him and HR, there is nothing that I could talk. I didn't have private dinner with him, didn't date him, didn't have sex with him and honestly speaking, always avoided any contact with him since I know he is unavailable. What should I talk to HR about? About what? Then I was gone for vacation for one month. When I came back, he was even more heated than before. He acted like he was begging me for something, but I ignored everything. He got married in March 2016 and their wedding was in June. Before March, we changed our office so I was not on the same floor with him any more. I was more than happy about that. But you know, even when he got married, in the cafe, he was still trying to have some actions that you don't know what he wanted to do, like, he would stand behind me and be very close to me and try to embrace me, things like that. He was even trying to do that once or twice after he had his wedding. In his wedding, in his vows, he said, if anyone asked me whether I still love you after so many years, the answer is Always. I was really laughing. The whole thing started from the beginning of 2015. The whole NC started from March 2016 when we changed our office(since we're not on the same floor any more so there is no eye contact or I heard his voice or he was trying to do all kinds of things to trigger my emotion, I called it NC. Anyway, I never responded to anything to him before, either. It is always me being really cold). After he got married in March, he posted on his social media indicating something like "He did everything he could do but someone is not appreciating it so I'd better stay with someone who appreciates it", "Someone is such a cold-blooded person that she doesn't even have any sympathy or compassion". Some opinions from me: 1. When you started flirting with me, trying to trigger my emotion with me, I didn't know you're attached, but you didn't know that as well? 2. I haven't become your GF yet, what is the point of letting everyone in the office know this and gossip this? I didn't tell anyone in my team about it but everyone in his team started talking about it. 3. I asked you to have a talk. I'm not going to eat you. Basically you're local here and I'm a stranger in this area. Who has more power? And then you told HR that this is 100% misunderstanding and you asked me to talk to HR. Isn't that so obvious to me what you want from me? Even if you get me, you never want it to be official, you just wanted it to be your fun. 4. When he acted so painful that his wife is really not who he wanted to marry to some people, hey, remember the following: The engagement is obviously well planned. Nobody is using a gun to force you to do that.They started to look for a place to have a wedding probably ten months before the wedding, did he dare to say that he was not involved in that at all?During the preparation for the wedding, you guys need to talk about so many details about the wedding, you didn't know that this is happening and this is official?They probably spent $100k in their wedding, he didn't know that? All of these, they don't make any sense to me so I don't want to fall in this trap. Feelings from my side: do I really not have any feelings? am I really cold-blooded? Answer: No, I acted so normal in the office that nobody noticed anything abnormal. But inside my heart, it is broken into millions of pieces. Yes, I did admit that I have some feelings about this guy, but I cannot make a mistake to destroy my life. Even if I lost him, my life still needs to go on, and nobody can change that. Comments from other people, like you missed a great guy, such as he is rich, good-looking and smart. Answer: He has been with his wife since he was in high school and since they started their college, they have been living with each other, and during his engagement he was trying to hook to some other girl, you guys really call that a great guy? And another thing is that this girl knew something before they're officially married and she even talked to her family about it, but her family insisted that she marry him. He must know that she would not leave her so that's his reason to mess around. He knows he is rich and makes much more than her so she cannot do anything. Some lessons learned and some advice to give to other people: 1. Always remember you have a bottom line. And whatever happens, however he is trying to arouse your emotion, remember you have a bottom line and nobody is allowed to cross it. NOBODY! 2. Listen, don't always fool yourself that he is a child, he doesn't really mean to marry his wife, it is just a mistake. I really don't believe in this kind of sh*t. He is an ADULT. He ABSOLUTELY knows everything he is doing! He is smarter than you think he is! And most importantly, his actions tell EVERYTHING! 3. At the beginning of my NC, honestly I feel lost and sad. The reason is that I know I have feelings about this guy, and except for cheating part, he should be a good friend. BUT, don't be friend with him or his friends circle! If you interact with him, or them regularly, you cannot heal! Move away from everything from him! You cannot imagine how many times I really think of him at night and really think about if I met him early, what would happen. But then I remind myself, dear, you need to be realistic and you need to stand up on your own feet. I slept at home for the entire holiday season. Yesterday when I woke up and went outside, it just occurred to me that the mist has been lifted and I cannot really remember very well his looking so I write here about my story and hope it can help someone. Girls who are still in healing, Be Strong and you will get there! Edited January 2, 2017 by anyonecandoit modify story
Author anyonecandoit Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Something else to add. After reading so many stories here, I realize one thing. I'm really glad this ended in two years and the new chapter of my life begins. If it doesn't end, if I have something material with him and I give in to him, this will last a long time further into my life. And basically if that happens, my life will really become miserable. 3
Poppy47 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I am 9 months NC too. It is better but not perfect. Poppy. 3
Greg1972 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Sounds like he lied to you from the beginning. That is always a bad sign for any type of relationship. 1
Author anyonecandoit Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Sounds like he lied to you from the beginning. That is always a bad sign for any type of relationship. Yes, that's what I think as well. If you acted like you love me so much and you didn't want to be with your wife, why did you go to wedding with her, take one week off for her birthday, plan such an expensive themed wedding, go out with her family and friends, etc? It doesn't make any sense. Another thing I noticed is that the days when he tried to approach me most is when his gf-fiance-wife is not around. In those days, he will blatantly come back no matter what. But I never ever give in. For any intimate relationship, I want it to be clean. Or else I won't even bother, no matter what you say.
cloche Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 I am nearly 3 years NC now. Was doing fine, feeling like i'd made the right decision, moving forward, getting on with my life, blah blah.., but have seriously regressed in the last couple of months. Am once again flooded with memories from the past and am struggling with this overwhelming sense of sadness - loss, principally - of the beautiful future I believed we were heading towards. Actually, could seriously use some help from others here in how best to let go and move on properly. sorry to t/j 1
freengreen Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 I want to move on to a level where all the perfect traits I wound up on him are gone. I didnt see him even once in person. This made me spun so many fantasies. I wish I had met him and seen few of his flaws. But yeah, that would have been 'risky' too because of the freaking fog I was in. 2 months NC... i cant put a finger if it got easy but the fog seems to be clearing. I am going to keep trying until its all clear, then I dont have to try this hard to keep away.
Cali408 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 The key to no contact is to stay no contact. Over a year for me. Still dreams, but they're fewer and far between. Last night actually. We were both at a club and next to each other but ignored one another. Translation, psyche is getting better. Think of every day, of course. Long for, no, Miss, sure, but life is better now even if less exciting. Things that work, avoid alcohol. Brings back memories, Meditate, 15-20 a day. Self love, even if it's being a martyr. Congratulate yourself that you know you're doing the right thing. Get off social media if they're on the same platform Close your account. For example, if you're both on IG, switch to Twitter and close out IG. You didn't need social media growing up, you don't need it now. Screen time makes everything worse. Most importantly....LIVE THE BEST LIFE EVER!!!! We talk about resolutions this time of year. Well, now is the time to put it into practice. Get out of your comfort zone 5
Author anyonecandoit Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 I am nearly 3 years NC now. Was doing fine, feeling like i'd made the right decision, moving forward, getting on with my life, blah blah.., but have seriously regressed in the last couple of months. Am once again flooded with memories from the past and am struggling with this overwhelming sense of sadness - loss, principally - of the beautiful future I believed we were heading towards. Actually, could seriously use some help from others here in how best to let go and move on properly. sorry to t/j During these 9 months, sometimes it regressed very very badly. Then I tried hard to let it go. I talked to my girlfriend. She told me something really helpful. She said, "Don't force yourself to do anything. If you want to miss it, just miss it. Let your emotion flow naturally. One day, it will pass. And you will know it when everything is history." It takes time. When I missed how he flirted with me, stared at me, I will just think about it for a while. But right now, after several months, I found my mind was not that crazy any more. Time heals everything! 3
heartwhole Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 anyonecandoit, I'm glad you have good friends but I strongly recommend counseling as well. For a relationship that was mostly unspoken looks and resulted in him referencing HR when you brought it up, I am genuinely concerned about the depth of your grief and your ability to read situations. I'm glad you feel empowered now, but I'm concerned that you felt so adrift by all of this in the first place. 1
Author anyonecandoit Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 anyonecandoit, I'm glad you have good friends but I strongly recommend counseling as well. For a relationship that was mostly unspoken looks and resulted in him referencing HR when you brought it up, I am genuinely concerned about the depth of your grief and your ability to read situations. I'm glad you feel empowered now, but I'm concerned that you felt so adrift by all of this in the first place. Yes, I do. You don't really understand how bad and frustrated I felt about myself when he brought it up in front of HR. And I did feel in those days, I didn't act like a normal person(I'm serious). I tried to talk to one guy in the office, hoping he could help me. But after he talked to this guy, he backed off and sided with this man. If I told you I felt almost desperate, don't underestimate it because it is true. After that, I kept my promise that I didn't talk to any single person in their team and I feel a lot more powerful since then. Over the months, I do feel that TIME has healed a large part of me. Right now, I live more like a normal person. I do some reading after work. I go to swimming and do some kickboxing. And I go to vacation with my girlfriends as well. And gradually, my life comes back. What I want to tell a lot of people struggling is that -- Keep going NC, don't underestimate yourself and don't underestimate what TIME can bring us. Everything will become history. You will be fine.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 I am nearly 3 years NC now. Was doing fine, feeling like i'd made the right decision, moving forward, getting on with my life, blah blah.., but have seriously regressed in the last couple of months. Am once again flooded with memories from the past and am struggling with this overwhelming sense of sadness - loss, principally - of the beautiful future I believed we were heading towards. Actually, could seriously use some help from others here in how best to let go and move on properly. sorry to t/j Oh man, I'm 3 months no contact, so sad tonight (having one of those "bad nights" where I'm crying over xMM), and I'm looking forward to the day he is firmly in my review mirror like my other ex's...so please don't tell me this pain could come back on me years later. What a curse!!! Just reading your post made me cry more...I'm feeling disappointed at the could have and should have been. Hang in there, Cloche! Sorry my post is less advice and more commiseration. Hopefully others will chime in with the sage advice you are seeking. 1
Chica80 Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 I am nearly 3 years NC now. Was doing fine, feeling like i'd made the right decision, moving forward, getting on with my life, blah blah.., but have seriously regressed in the last couple of months. Am once again flooded with memories from the past and am struggling with this overwhelming sense of sadness - loss, principally - of the beautiful future I believed we were heading towards. Actually, could seriously use some help from others here in how best to let go and move on properly. sorry to t/j What triggered it? Was it seeing her?
cloche Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Yes, I think so. You may remember I wrote about it here ([thread=7161191]in so much pain[/thread]). You left some helpful thoughts. I still owe you some answers to your questions.
HeCantBreakMe Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 I am nearly 3 years NC now. Was doing fine, feeling like i'd made the right decision, moving forward, getting on with my life, blah blah.., but have seriously regressed in the last couple of months. Am once again flooded with memories from the past and am struggling with this overwhelming sense of sadness - loss, principally - of the beautiful future I believed we were heading towards. Actually, could seriously use some help from others here in how best to let go and move on properly. sorry to t/j It is okay to feel sad. This person was a big part of your life and no matter how long ago that was it is okay to look back and feel a certain way about it. It doesn't make you weak it makes you human; emotions make us human. But if you have been NC for 3 years then you have learned in the last 3 years not to let your emotions control you which is a huge difference. 1
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