Nowayjose12 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I'll make this short and sweet as best as possible. Got divorced early this time last year and honestly, I'm over my ex and marriage and I'm focused on my two kids but during the time that I was going through the divorce, I became friends with a co-worker who I also found out was going through a tough time in her life as well and somehow we both helped and balanced out each others struggles in a major way. We ended up spending a lot of time getting to know each other, texting and hanging out but she has been dealing with depression build over the last 2 years and I was able to get her to go to therapy just by being a friend and encouraging her. Anywho - she's hot and I was newly single - I would flirt and she would flirt back only sometimes out in public and would just throw crazy mixed signals, ate lunch together, walked home together and etc. To the point where other co workers thought we were a couple...Few months later - she says I’m coming on too strong and she sees us as friends and nothing more so I respectfully backed up and we took like a month break of talking and hanging and then all of a sudden became friends again just like how it was in the beginning but still kept some distance so its a little more casual. Again - we go out and she's flirty but never quite clear on her signals and it would just confuse the **** out of me. I've been out of the game for long due to marriage so maybe I’m rusty but she asked if we were going to our holiday party together...which was odd to me..when she's drunk and we are in a group function - she never wants to leave my side so naturally i cant help but think she has some attraction towards me. Anyway - we spent Christmas eve together at dinner and I've been cool this whole time and not even flirty since our last fall out and then she asked me two months ago what i was doing for NYE so we make plans to go out.. These plans include meeting her best friends for the first time and everyone is coupled up..i show up and she gives me a xmas gift out of the blue..everyones drinking and I’m mingling blending in with everyone cuz impressing her friends is important in my mind. They even said to me “oh we finally get to meet u after she talks about you so much” lol we go out clubbing….im rubbing her ass all night, dancing and New years hit so she kisses me twice on the lips which I’m not even sure if she remembers doing that but we’re all drunk so whatever… she was even touchy with me. Earlier in the night she made a speech to her friends about how I’m so important and she couldn’t be here without me so to me thats even more a sealed deal..lol.. the night at the club ends and i asked if she was coming back with me to the hotel or going home…she said home…and my drunk ass got frustrated and upset. I didn’t say anything disrespectful but just voiced that i was disappointed and didn’t want the night to end. She says to me “we’re just friends and nothing more” we talked the next day about the car ride and what happened and she was understanding and i apologized but damn i feel like an idiot now that I went for the move off of liquid courage thinking we would live in the moment. I’ve walked this girl to her car, went apartment hunting with her and all types of friend zoned **** for the last several months and no we can’t control who we like and it wasn’t planned but it happened anyway for me atleast. I will also note that I dated and had sex with other women this past year while being her friend and she’s aware. Am I crazy? I can accept the rejection cause life goes on but man I feel like a ****ing idiot. The crazy thing is just the massive amount of mixed signals and I’m like “we’re friends yeah but we can have sex as friends?” lol I’m not looking for love but damn…ok I’m done venting. She’s stated that she’s doing her and she’s happy but part of me is regretting doing what i did by asking her but part of me also says I did the right thing by going for the risk. She is a special person and I would hate to lose her as a friend but yeah, i dunno. I’ll keep my distance.
Author Nowayjose12 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 I want to also note that she has told me several times before that all of her guy friends end up liking her and not being her friend anymore at all cause she hurts them when she doesn't want the same or they cut her off after they get a girlfriend but we ended up being friends anyway. That was probably my warning sign right there.
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 You like her and you took a risk, nothing wrong in that. She has been giving you mixed signals all along, which suggests to me she likes you but maybe does not see you as a potential long-term partner. I am sorry. You are not wrong for misinterpreting her signals because they were vague but now that you know she sees you as a friend only, please back off and leave her to herself. I think she will only truly appreciate you if she has chance to miss you a lot. If she has decided you are a friend and not a lover, then it is unlikely she will change her mind. Best to date other women instead. 2
Pinhead Larry Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 It could be worse. I normally get family zoned. 1
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 There is no such thing as "giving mixed signals"....it was all in your head, trying to see something that wasn't there. If you want to bang them, don't be their friend. Do not be all available to them, fixing their sink or help them move, doing lunchies, etc. 2
umirano Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I want to also note that she has told me several times before that all of her guy friends end up liking her and not being her friend anymore at all cause she hurts them when she doesn't want the same or they cut her off after they get a girlfriend but we ended up being friends anyway. Well... no shyt... That's what giving mixed signals does for you, isn't it? Anyway, since she's your friend and you like her as such, you could do something for her. Tell her what got you confused, and suggest that she might want to rethink her acting around "friends" if she wants to be more successful forming and maintaining friendships in the future. 1
umirano Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 There is no such thing as "giving mixed signals" I actually agree, by the dancing and the datey stuff she signaled you might be something more, those were rather clear signals. She then shot you down by saying you're just friends, another clear, yet contradicting signal. After that her "more than friends" signals should have made you question what's really going on. A clarifying talk should have taken place then.
Author Nowayjose12 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Well... no shyt... That's what giving mixed signals does for you, isn't it? Anyway, since she's your friend and you like her as such, you could do something for her. Tell her what got you confused, and suggest that she might want to rethink her acting around "friends" if she wants to be more successful forming and maintaining friendships in the future. Umirano, You nailed it. I think I will take that approach in a future conversation. Never really got the whole back story on why the guys dipped out on her every time but yeah, I'll do that. Thanks for the insight.
sid3 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 There is no such thing as "giving mixed signals"....it was all in your head, trying to see something that wasn't there. That couldn't be further from the truth, some women do that all the time to serve their own self interest, ie: attention, feeling desired etc. If you want to bang them, don't be their friend. Do not be all available to them, fixing their sink or help them move, doing lunchies, etc. Excellent advice, been there. It's obvious, at least to me that you've forgotten that most women are neurotic, and there's no such thing as a golden vagina. I'd like to add that the whole 'friendzone' is crap. Its like any other investment, some pan out, some don't
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 My advice....don't be a wuss letting your feelings get out of control for so long, when you could simply as them out, get your answer, then move on...
joseb Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 If you want to bang them, don't be their friend. Do not be all available to them, fixing their sink or help them move, doing lunchies, etc. This. Being too 'nice' has put you in a different category in her mind. She also likes the attention by the sounds of it, so is happy to have you trailing around but acts shocked when you make a move. You needed to make your move much earlier I think. 1
preraph Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Sounds to me like she wanted someone resembling a date for the holiday and did kind of let it look like that to you and others. But she's told you more than once now that you're just friends, so she has no intention of going further. There's either the obvious reason (no attraction) or something else that she's not attracted to. Anyway, probably time you just moved on so you can meet someone else.
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 She made it clear you were just friends and she even pulled you up before for going "too far". So why didn't you listen to her? Why did you think it was your right to take things further? Many women like being friends with men, especially when they work in environments where male/female contact is common. Banter and flirtation tends to be the norm, but most know where and when to stop. YOU were highly attracted to her so YOU saw all this "friendly" stuff as meaning she was interested in you, but it was all in your head. SHE doesn't see you as someone she is attracted to, so she shut you down, but was quite happy being your friend. Some women can flirt outrageously with people they consider "safe", ie someone they would never in a million years date or someone they see as a friend and nothing more. It is fun, not meant to be taken seriously and harmless. I guess she thought you were "safe" as she had already made it clear she did not see you as dating material. YOU, as she is "hot", got caught up in wanting her sexually and refused to see the neon signs that she put up that told you, you were just a friend and nothing more. YOU thought you would sneak past her resolve, as she was drunk that night, and that doesn't seem very nice or "friendly" to me. 3
Author Nowayjose12 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Let's be clear about one thing - it was a mistake and a risk. I do regret even attempting that and feel bad because I do really care about her as a friend. I appreciate everyone's input and advice but no need to bash me. I'm only human. I don't intend to be weird or anything at work and want to keep the friendship. There are many more fish in the sea. The drinks were flowing and I went off course. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 OP, without analyzing your situation too closely, I'll just say that it looks like you had a window to make a move on her, but that window closed and she got bored. She made moves on you to show you she was interested, but you didn't reciprocate, you just acted confused. It could also be that she really likes you, and WANTS to like you as more than a friend, but you're too "safe" for her. Are you flirting with her, or just making everyday talk? At any rate it sounds like you're hung up over her, and in my experience it's never good to be friends with someone that you are interested in sexually. It's very hard to maintain boundaries and feelings. 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I tend to believe people like this are typically in tune with what they are doing and not oblivious to where you stand. It sounds like she wanted a "date" and knew she was using you for a "date" but decided it was ok to use you. It sounds like she does with others when she needs a "date" and I guarantee she is not oblivious to the fact she is using people she knows are interested in her as more than friends. I can say whenever there has been a woman that I have known was interested in dating me and I was not interested in her, I could still be friends and we would hang in the same circles, but I never would consider asking her to do "date" things with me as a friend and kiss her on New Years, dance and let her rub on me etc... I am very aware that there is a boundary in those situations that if I crossed would make me a complete douche. It's called leading you on and using you when she needs to. It's intentionally playing with your emotions. How exactly is she being a good friend to you? 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I tend to believe people like this are typically in tune with what they are doing and not oblivious to where you stand. It sounds like she wanted a "date" and knew she was using you for a "date" but decided it was ok to use you. It sounds like she does with others when she needs a "date" and I guarantee she is not oblivious to the fact she is using people she knows are interested in her as more than friends. I can say whenever there has been a woman that I have known was interested in dating me and I was not interested in her, I could still be friends and we would hang in the same circles, but I never would consider asking her to do "date" things with me as a friend and kiss her on New Years, dance and let her rub on me etc... I am very aware that there is a boundary in those situations that if I crossed would make me a complete douche. It's called leading you on and using you when she needs to. It's intentionally playing with your emotions. How exactly is she being a good friend to you? See, I don't see that. She may be a bit confused, but I always say actions speak louder than words. She took him out on a double/triple date with friends, kissed him, etc. I just don't think OP responded how she thought he was going to, or maybe he just acted like a lost puppy and wasn't being confident enough. Who knows. He did say that he was "out of practice" after being married for so long.
Author Nowayjose12 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 OP, without analyzing your situation too closely, I'll just say that it looks like you had a window to make a move on her, but that window closed and she got bored. She made moves on you to show you she was interested, but you didn't reciprocate, you just acted confused. It could also be that she really likes you, and WANTS to like you as more than a friend, but you're too "safe" for her. Are you flirting with her, or just making everyday talk? At any rate it sounds like you're hung up over her, and in my experience it's never good to be friends with someone that you are interested in sexually. It's very hard to maintain boundaries and feelings. Confused is a term that I will accept. The flirting was off and on with more so everyday talk. Even when we checked our friendship boundaries a couple of months ago...I respected that and backed off from everything then we reconnected a month later and it was cool. I won't say that I'm hung up on her because as I said earlier in my post - I was dating other women during that time but she just happened to be the one I connected with on a higher level and spent the most time with. In any event- it's best to chalk up this move, learn from it and move on. I will still be her friend though. I just should've continued to chill out and not get caught up in the moment. Is it wrong to feel like an ass? She was understanding of course after we talked the next day but damn...that does not decrease my stupidity level. I would've been better off just enjoying the night and not making a move and calling it a day. I let my friends hype me up
HereNorThere Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Here's what I don't get, she was actually into you at some point in the night. Sorry, but you don't kiss and get handsy if you aren't into someone. Even if you want to, it's stupid because it pretty much ruins your chances with anyone else there that night. So, you either messed up (in one of the million ways you can do that) and she lost attraction or something changed in her life that you are unaware of. Did you: Get too drunk? That can be an instant attraction killer for some people. Hypocrites, lol. Come on too strong? This definitely happens and alcohol can amplify it. She was definitely leading you on, but maybe you said the wrong thing. It happens to everyone. Too forward sexually? Inviting her up to your room was pretty much saying "time to have sex now." You could have been a little smoother with your offer it sounds like. If you had done your job properly, she would have led you back up there on her own. In my opinion, something changed. Dude, she might have received a text from her ex wanting to get back together. She may be secretly dating another person, etc. There's no telling really because you have an incomplete data set. And let go of this friends idea if you're going to continue to be this attracted to her. Be friendly, but you'll end up getting taken advantage of if you let her friend zone you. It's better to walk and try again with someone else. In time, maybe you try for friendship, but let the sting of rejection dissipate a bit first.
Author Nowayjose12 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 Here's what I don't get, she was actually into you at some point in the night. Sorry, but you don't kiss and get handsy if you aren't into someone. Even if you want to, it's stupid because it pretty much ruins your chances with anyone else there that night. So, you either messed up (in one of the million ways you can do that) and she lost attraction or something changed in her life that you are unaware of. Did you: Get too drunk? That can be an instant attraction killer for some people. Hypocrites, lol. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. I didn't watch my limit. Like I said we've been out before and got tipsy/slightly drunk and I was able to keep my cool like a man. Come on too strong? This definitely happens and alcohol can amplify it. She was definitely leading you on, but maybe you said the wrong thing. It happens to everyone. Too forward sexually? Inviting her up to your room was pretty much saying "time to have sex now." You could have been a little smoother with your offer it sounds like. If you had done your job properly, she would have led you back up there on her own. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO - Very rusty in my game so yes that was not smooth at all. Even if I was a little bit more sober, I could've said that and responded in a joking way after being rejected. In my opinion, something changed. Dude, she might have received a text from her ex wanting to get back together. She may be secretly dating another person, etc. There's no telling really because you have an incomplete data set. Agreed here about the incomplete data set. And let go of this friends idea if you're going to continue to be this attracted to her. Be friendly, but you'll end up getting taken advantage of if you let her friend zone you. It's better to walk and try again with someone else. In time, maybe you try for friendship, but let the sting of rejection dissipate a bit first. And yes...I'm going to let go of this due to the attraction as it's not completely gone. I will be friendly but just need to venture out and get more options. We both said everything is okay but we'll be taking a step back from each other due to my reaction which is what's really bothering me...It's the way I responded under a heavy amount of alcohol. I get that i can't continue to be around someone with feelings and stay as a friend because you're right, you will get taken advantage of in that zone by answering their every beck and call.. I had to reach out and talk to her before we got into work tomorrow to express my thoughts on what I did and make sure that we're good. She said yes and my plan is to not be awkward at work and act normal even if what I did is still bothering me..it's not even the rejection..it's how I responded to the rejection with alcohol in me. She knows it was a mistake but I will def give space for a few weeks maybe even months while being friendly. She had asked me do I have any girl friends in my past that I'm friends with and not gotten sexual with or in a relationship and I had to think...maybe I can count on one hand but not who I spend this massive amount of time with. Starting to think I was bugging. I won't take all the blame but an eye opener in many ways
travelbug1996 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 I think you blew it when you got upset after she said no go for spending the night. How upset did you get and what did you say? She doesn't seem to be looking for a casual hook up.
Gloria25 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 It could be worse. I normally get family zoned. Or even worse, she files sexual harassment charges - where she tells everyone that she had no interest in you and you were the one pursuing her. Stay away from co-workers. Someone who likes to play passive/aggressive, hot/cold with you can end up in you losing your job and/or reputation.
Pill Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 This woman is the type who is overly friendly and touchy and makes you feel special enough to where she can get you to do what she wants then she deads it before it crosses the line. You were used, simple as that. She loves the attention and having someone she can manipulate into doing stuff any regular friend wouldn't do like apartment hunting and moving furniture. That's specifically why all her male friends end up liking her, because she treats all of them like they're special but to her everyone is "special". You really need to stop being her platonic toy thing and treat her like a friend zoned woman herself. 1
HereNorThere Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Okay, so now you have to figure out how to forgive yourself. Look man, we all do stupid things when we've been drinking. Ironically, it's one of the reasons we drink in the first place. You made the wrong move, embarrassed yourself and now you have to let it go and press forward. There aren't too many people that do not have some cringe-worthy alcohol stories. And we've all messed up a date or potential relationship, no biggie. You learned a few things from this one and most likely will not make those same mistakes again. Take inventory on what you did right, what you did wrong, and then set that negative emotion on a shelf and don't pick it back up again. It's over and done with. Here's a great blog post about someone who has an even more cringe-worthy story and learned a better lesson. Enjoy. https://medium.com/@MikePosner/why-i-stopped-drinking-alcohol-fc3581913ae5#.u399fem1x
mikeylo Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 It was just a horny moment and you lost. Plenty of hot women around who will sleep for a night or two.
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