niskanen Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I'm 33, ex-girlfriend was 29. She had had many short term relationships before, but only 1 long term (> 6 months) before me. Same story for me. We dated for 2 years, long-distance. It was amazing. We thought we were soulmates. We thought that if we couldn't make it work with us two, then nobody could. We completed each other's sentences, were very much in tune. Hardly ever had big disagreements, because we wanted the same things. People and friends stared at us in disbelief, that there could exist so much love, so much compatibility... We saw each other every 2-3 weeks, for 4-5 days at a time. We did little city trips and week-long travels together. Then, out of the blue, she broke up, 6 weeks ago. In childish and immature way. Every time I contacted her, there was a new reason (suddenly decided never to have children, wants to do polyamory, was bored of her life, didn't think we could actually live together without fighting, career was more important than love, etc). It seems like she doesn't really know herself, why. That she needs to convince herself with these reasons. She never gave a specific breakup-reason about me. I still don't know what I've done wrong. Why I'm rejected. It hurts. I can only speculate, and some things are clear (lousy sex lately, because I had stress issues from work. I was being less funny and less in the moment, also due to work relates stress). I've heard she had started partying a lot & a lot harder, and taking drugs. So, some kind of grass is greener, or quarter-life crisis or something. I have a very hard time dealing with this. The first couple of days I had the first nervous breakdown of my life. My arms and hands were shaking continuously, I couldn't do anything at all. Followed by 2 weeks of crying continuously. I've since seen that although it was a very good relationship, we had some feelings-avoidance behavior, some confrontation avoidance-behavior. I saw some things I could have improved. But none of these things were fatal, these could all have been solved now that they were finally known. I now have good days and bad days. Good days are somewhat normal. Bad days I keep thinking about ending it all. I've been on a couple of dates since. Sweet, kind girls, but no attraction from my part. They're lacking some spice. That little extra touch. They're too normal. She was everything I wanted in a woman. Very intelligent, independent, playful, quirky, nerdy, extremely attractive, assertive, adventurous, positive, energetic. If I compare to all the other girls I have ever had dates with, there is no comparison. It was by miles and leagues the best relationship, the best girl. Until it wasn't. I'm fearing that I'll never be wanting another girl fully. That the bar is now too high. That I'm going to reject everyone in the next 10 years, until I take someone out of self-pity. That I'll just compare them to the idea of the 'perfect' girlfriend I had (,until she left me). That I'll never give another girl the full commitment and respect they deserve. I'm still dating a couple of new girls. Partly because it makes me feel better to interact with beautiful women who are into me, partly because I want the sex. It feels unethical, as I don't feel I will have a long-term relationship with them. Deep down, I'm hoping I will change, and accept one of them for the nice person they are. But I'm already bored with them. Can you ever be happy again after you've lost all the riches? Perhaps if you become an ascetic Buddhist or catholic monk, is what I feel. My ex told me she wanted for us to stay close friends. I said, perhaps after a couple of months, after I processed it, but don't count on it. What also bothers me a lot is that she wants to be polyamorous now, but without me. Multiple loving relationships. If she wants multiple affectionate relationship, why can't I be one of those many?? She never gave a specific breakup-reason about me (instead of about her life). I have maintained NC for 3 weeks now. But she was my best friend... I work hard, I hardly have any true friends. Some acquaintances though. She has many, and is having fun I hear. I want love in my life. Without love, life is boring. I feel like I will be bored forever now. 1
Author niskanen Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Oh, and I still have some expensive and voluminous stuff at her place. She asked me to come pick it up, because it's in the way now. I should. But I don't feel like paying for an expensive airplane ticket and car rental, with the result of feeling awful. I don't want to contact her at all, except for coming together again. 1
Author niskanen Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 I'd appreciate it if someone would give their input. 1
umirano Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 Here's what you do: Return her stuff or dump it. It has to go no matter how.BlockDeleteIgnoreShut other people up if they talk about herForget this poly nonsense. She wants to bang a bunch of guys and not you.Don't try to understand. Don't ask, don't try to pick your relationship apart for some deep insight. Such a thing does not exist.Address the fact that you don't have any true friendsDevelop friendships that you have into more meaningful friendshipsFind new friendsTreat yourself well. Sleep a lot, eat a lot. Hang out with people you like.Get busy. Hobby, friends, family. If you don't have those (hobbies, friends), build them. Now. Not next week. Now. 1
elhacedor Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 (edited) Hello, I would like to share some of my thoughts since I am going through fairly similar feelings, 2 weeks after the breakup (you can read about it in my thread) The first thing I say to myself is that, although my ex was almost everything I look for in a woman, she lacked (or lacks now) an essential quality: wanting to be with me. And without that, nothing is possible. On the other hand, I can not be sure that I will find someone like her again. People say there is plenty of fish in the sea. But people also say that each person is unique and unrepeatable. There will probably be other good matches in my life, but none like her ... And it's not something I should look for. My ex was my greatest love, and it took me 28 years to find her. So, while it is possible for me to find another greater love in the future, there is no "cosmic guarantee" that I will ... I'll probably soon overcome the pain, I will probably be happy many more times in the future, but that happiness with her is already lost forever. And I don't want to lie to myself about that. Edited January 4, 2017 by elhacedor
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