A survivors tale

[adarling]

He is going to sound bad. I mean like bad. And I am going to give all of you a million reasons to tear into me and rip me a new one. But, I can take it. I know that it is really hard to convey what is truly happening between two people on forums like these, especially when people have short attention spans, and what should be given the space of a novel is given 500 words or so. So....

 

He is an *******. But I'm a bitch, right?!

 

We met. We dated. He said he loved me. I was swept away. He did everything right. OMG!!! Could this be!!!!????? uh....no. Found out he was cheating. It was still early in our relationship. He called it off with her, I saw him write the email. We chose me.. We so happy. For a month.

 

He never ended it with her, he emailed her a few days later and said he was drunk and freaked out. He starts it back up. OK, side note: she left to go to China the same month I met him, he had met her a few weeks earlier. They had about a month together and she went to China for the summer. When I found out he was talking to her she was in China. I dating him through the summer. ANd she was coming back in Aug. It was June when I found their lovey dovey messages "I miss yous" and ****.

 

So he supposedly calls it off.

 

I think we are back on track. Then Aug comes around. Tension is high. I knnow she is coming back. I am high vigilance mode. Mind you all through the past couple months he is telling me he would never do that to me, that his ex wife cheated on him, said she stopped and continued and he said he would never do that to me..

 

But then Aug. comes around. And I get this call and he tells me he is tired and nto feeling good and his phone will be on silent because he wants to sleep. Ok. I trust. But then the morning comes. And I don't trust. IT's 9 am and I dont hear from him. I cal and call. I go to his house. He isn't there. Worst nightmare come true. I freak out. Cry. Drink his vodka. Call him. Call her, because i have her number cuz I am sneaky bitch. No one answers. Probably cuz they are ****ing. I decide to steal every one of his left shoes and all his remote controls. And I leave. He calls while I am in route home. He says he was at work for a work meeting. My heart sinks. I think I am a crazy btich and I just freaked out. I go back to his house return his shoes and remotes and he sits e down and says he was having a great morning and I ruined it. He says he was having such a great day with his coworekrs and such. And then he asks if I called "her". This is when I get suspicious. I say, What, NO! And he asks likehe knows, "Are you suuuuuure?" At this point I know he knnows I called her, he was with her. But I have no proof.

 

We break up. He says we have an unheathy realtionship, blaims it all on me.

 

In the weeks following, tings keep coming up, and it doesn't sit well with me. I think, I am not crazy, he was lying. And I make it a mission to find out. He assures me every now and again that he is still not talking to her he isnt seeing her it's all in my head. And then he has phone sex with me. A lot.

 

I end up having to move home because i broke my foot and I couldn

t work and was out of money. I broke my foot when I was with him and when I foudn out he was cheating I had to hobble around like a sad person yelling at him. It was pathetic. So, I am out of money and have to move home. Which is a state away.

 

He takes some of my furniture and as I am pulling away from his house with my dad he and his roommate are laughing. Little did I know I was solving all his problems by moving out of town. Now he could see her (btw, did I mention she is married?) without me blowing it up.

 

But stupid ass keeps having phone sex with me from a far. She was gone and he playd with her and ****ed me and now I was gone and he was playing with h=me and ****ing her.

 

So, I get drunk one night (this is one of the only times I thank alcohol for solcing a problem) and I get the guts to call her. And I tell her everything. She didn't know he had a girlfriedn at one point and when he broke it off with her he claimed he was drunk and thne blah balh ablha, we uncovered all his lies.

 

So she left.

 

I left.

 

But then he was alone. All alone.

 

Three months pass.

 

I get the call.

 

He has written a bog about me. He has written emails and letters. Love letters And they went on and on.

 

Then the flowers came. They came by the dozens. And the gifts came.

 

I had reinvented myself and was a successful editor at a publications company.

 

But then the flowers kept coming. Followed by phone calls. I was hard on him. And I was pissed. I railed into him and he took it. I cried and he sympathized.

 

He did everything right.

 

Six months later he had talked me into trying again. And I welcomed a visit form him. And thnen another.

 

Cut to, I ended up quiting my job and moving bac up to Oregon with him. He said "don't worry about it, I=you can freelance until you find something and I will support you." I know. I know. I know!!!!!

 

So I did it.

 

The minute I was in the car driving up to Oregon he called me a 'retard." I said, that's awful please don't call me that. And he said if I was being one he was gonna call me one. And thus, the power trio ensued.

 

 

Now I live with him. I've had one black eye, have been chocked to the point that I passed out, have been slapped and verbally abused to the point where I am amazed that anyone could be that cruel.

 

 

I have hidden my emotions and fears and sorrows in alcohol. I have started smoking like a crack head. I have ignored my body and abused myself in turn.

 

I have been shocked at the lack of supprt I have had from cops. I called the cops after he hit me once, and he admitted to the cops he hit me, and then they said because I said to him "do it" as he raised his fist that I was the instigator and that he wasn't going to be charged. The cop himself told me that he ended the fight by hitting me.

 

I have been demoralized. I have been treated like a worthless piece of ****.

 

Somehow, for some reason these *******s have made me feel like I deserved all of this. My ******* boyfriend even yelled that at me once, that "you deserve everything I've done to you"....

 

Now, I know that's not true.

 

I know I am worthy, just as anyone is, of being loved, and cared for, and treated with respect and kindness. That I don't deserve to be llied to and cheated on and hit and abused.

 

But, let me tell you.... when you are going through all of this, you certainly are not feeling this way about yourself.

 

It's like, someone digs a ditch for you, throws you in it and keeps throwing dirt on you, and you have to climb out. .You have to search within yourself, and find those kind words, and really pump yourself up, because otherwise these abusers....they can really get in your head an **** you up.

 

Before I wrote this, I was going to ask for advice following my last fight with my abuser. But as I wrote, I just started to see myself as others would see me: probably quite weak, and crazy for staying with this man.

 

For anyone who knows someone in an abusive relationship, please try not to judge. The dynamics are really interesting, and a lot of smart people fall into these traps. Please don't judge, just try to help. Help them realize they are worthy, and amazing and beautiful. And they deserve better. If you yell at them that they are stupid for staying, that hurts their self esteem.

 

Be supportive and positive. They are fragile.

 

I have been in this for to years. And I hate myself enough for wasting two years, letting someone abuse me.

 

But you move on. And you don't blame yourself.

 

There are awful people in this world. Just because I was vulnerable doesn't mean I am weak or worthless.

 

I am a survivor.

 

Thanks for reading

[KBob]

Step one: get out of this awful mess and never talk to him again. EVER.

 

Step two: seek out a professional to help you through this. An Internet forum does not the hold the proper qualifications for this problem.

[Christian2282]

Reading your story was very close to home. The mocking, name calling and taking them back. You are so right though it doesn't matter who you are, you can fall victim of abuse. I'm a psychology major and was fooled by my husband. He started of nice and shy. Soon learned it was a front for the real him- I called his anger episodes The Hulk. He did this thing sometimes when mad when clench his fists in downward motion and grunt loud for lengthy time. He screamed in my ears sometimes. One instance was laying in bed and just asked him to hold me and he sits up and his mouth right in my ear saying "shut the f*** up Karie". My ears were ringing a week after that still. I never got it checked out but have pain in ear still. I think verbal abuse alone is horrible, but adding the physical abuse it's like you still wonder if it was bad enough. The only way to look at it in healthy way is getting out! Even if someone leaves for just a few weeks to be with family or friends that can offer safety and a clear mind to really give a good perspective. I know most of us don't say anything pretty much to anyone because we don't want to mess up the relationship by coming out with what's happening or there's no chance for him to change. He most likely won't! I think statistically there is evidence to prove it's something like 95% don't change. That is an overwhelming amount of people that aren't capable of it. Worst part is feeling that sense of was it just me he did this too? The answer is probably most likely no. If it is so far, you most likely won't be the last. Prayers to you adarling during the healing process and to all of you out there who are survivors.

[butterfly84]

I'm a couple weeks late, but I wanted to respond to your post to say 'i get it'. When you mentioned the part about taking his shoes and then feeling bad and him blaming you for being crazy due to things he was doing i have been there. I look back and i'm like wow people will say I was nuts! But when you're "in" that bad relationship where someone is emotionally abusing you it makes you do things you don't normally do. I'm glad you're a survivor and have found your way out. I second what others have said about going to conunseling or professionals for further help to continue on a good path. Hang in there and know that others can relate/i don't judge and i've been there too!