I want another chance

January 2, 2017

I have been reading LS for months now. Yesterday, I read "when it rains it pours" and I can relate to Venus hundred percent. The way she met the guy in New Orleans, the way he called her, treated her, the way she felt is the same (damn, even the timeline is the same) in my situation.

I met this guy when on vacation and we have been in touch for almost two years. We saw each other every two months and were making plans for the future. He was really intrested to get to know me from day one. Not a single day passed without us talking. And I didnt have to do anything. As Venus said, I had to "be". He did all the planning and scheduling. Four months ago, the dynamics of his work changed and I noticed a drop in communication. And here is the problem: instead of talking to him, I told him it wasn't working for me. He was apologizing and explaining how busy he was. He pretty much ignored the fact I broke up with him and we continue talking.

A month later, the same scenario. I broke up with him. We took a week break but then talked again and made up.

Finally, two months later, an entire day went by without us talking and I (you can guess) broke up with him. And it was a nasty break up, I said things I didnt mean to say.

Two weeks later, I apologized and he thanked me for reaching out to him.

Then, I asked him if he would consider giving us another chance and his reply was: "That doesnt really make sense unless there is a chance in circumstance." I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said a change in distance. (We were supposed to close the distance in a year from now, I would move over to his state). He also added: "I really care about you and what you said in anger cuts deep. I would rather have nice memories than fight with you again and have you get mad at me." I told him I understand and that I would leave him alone.

We are two months NC now but I cant stop thinking about him. This forum helped me realize how needy I was. I was also expecting too much (for example, I would get upset if he doesnt cover most of the expenses but never let him notice I was upset). Anyway, I know you all are against LDR and I know I should learn from my mistakes and move on.

But recently, I have been thinking of reaching out to him again. I have been on few dates since we broke up and my heart is just not into dating. Is this definitely over?

January 2, 2017

Maybe when his drop in communication changed is when his feelings started to change. You got frustrated and ended it for him. I think its over. If he wanted you still he would make it known. He wouldn't let you worry.

January 2, 2017

I think that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. This will help you in your next relationship.

I don't know that anyone would want to be dumped three times and then get back together with that person. That sounds like a very unhappy, and unhealthy relationship.

I think it's best to move on and think about why you behaved the way that you did... So that you can do differently next time and maybe be a more healthy partner for someone.

January 2, 2017

Maybe when his drop in communication changed is when his feelings started to change. You got frustrated and ended it for him. I think its over. If he wanted you still he would make it known. He wouldn't let you worry.

You are probably right. I just don't understand how someone can go from "I will do anything to see you" to "I am too busy" so fast. And I think I noticed a change in person the last time I saw him. And I was very straghtforward and aksed him if he wants the relationship to continue, and if he something changed to let me know because I don't want to get emotionally invested (even more). He said he wants to continue and that he is already emotionally invested. I gave him a chance to get out in person. Then, when I brome up for the first time, he just ignored it. He apologized and kept texting me as before.

January 2, 2017

I think that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. This will help you in your next relationship.

I don't know that anyone would want to be dumped three times and then get back together with that person. That sounds like a very unhappy, and unhealthy relationship.

I think it's best to move on and think about why you behaved the way that you did... So that you can do differently next time and maybe be a more healthy partner for someone.

All of this (break ups) happened in the last three months. Prior to that, we had zero arguments. It happened (in addition to my issues and insecurity), because drop in communication (or change in communication) happened suddenly. Now, it might be really bacause he started a different business or he maybe met someone or lost interest or whatever. I was just caught off guard and totally unprepared to deal with it. Plus, the last time we saw each other wasn't so great and it made me insecure.

But he said that nothing really changed (except for his job) and wanted to continue the relationship.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Gracieboo

January 2, 2017

Yoy have already been given two chances, how many times do you think a guy should have to grovel after being dumped?

For me you would be history after the first.

He has run out of patience.

You need to move on, and forget about him. Date someone local.

January 2, 2017

I don't get it. You broke up with him because he the lapse in communication was only one day?

January 2, 2017

You are still in the process of letting go and adjusting to life without him. Dating has proved challenging and with that is making you feel even more empty. I get it that the loneliness is luring you to contact him again....you want some of that comfort back.

Stop trying to fill the void with a relationship, but rather do things that bring passion back into your life. Find a new hobby, meet new people through social groups, make some new friends or start investing more time in the friendships you already have. Start living life for you, be independent, have fun.

January 2, 2017

I don't get it. You broke up with him because he the lapse in communication was only one day?

One day was only a straw that broke the camel's back. He seemed distant on our last trip together and texting was somehow ( let's say that before I felt passion when he was texting me, now it felt likevhe was doing a chore).

But, it might have all been only in my head.

January 2, 2017

That's the thing that irritates me about dating. A guy comes on all strong and then poof their gone or almost gone. Its like "don't waste my time". But I guess they never know when their feelings are gonna change. So now what I do is just take it slow and see if their feelings fade or grow over time.

Protect your heart because you never know when they might change.

January 2, 2017

That's the thing that irritates me about dating. A guy comes on all strong and then poof their gone or almost gone. Its like "don't waste my time". But I guess they never know when their feelings are gonna change. So now what I do is just take it slow and see if their feelings fade or grow over time.

Protect your heart because you never know when they might change.

Yep. After we made up the second time, I relaxed and observed. And it started being better (not like before but much better). He would send me pictures of what he was doing, or funny links etc. I was still anxious but I eased a bit. And then one day, a total silence (according to him he had a horrible day at work). I f he had told me that he was busy and he would talk to me next day, I would have been more than happy.

January 2, 2017

You've shown him the kind of person you are, and he just doesnt want to deal with it anymore. You've shown him a pattern that he doesnt want to repeat.

It seems when you have him you dont want him, but now that its been 2 months and you can't have him, now you want him. The pattern wouldnt change even if he would get back with you, and he knows that.

January 2, 2017

You are probably right. I just don't understand how someone can go from "I will do anything to see you" to "I am too busy" so fast. And I think I noticed a change in person the last time I saw him. And I was very straghtforward and aksed him if he wants the relationship to continue, and if he something changed to let me know because I don't want to get emotionally invested (even more). He said he wants to continue and that he is already emotionally invested. I gave him a chance to get out in person. Then, when I brome up for the first time, he just ignored it. He apologized and kept texting me as before.

Apparently you ignored it too, because when he texted you, you texted him back. If you had been serious about breaking up with him, you would have gone n/c.

January 2, 2017

It is not because I cant have him that I want him. Once I sent the angry text it was over between us, I called him the next day and we talked. I was clear that I dont want to date anyone local. I wanted to be with him. He told we should take few days, think about everything and talk again. But he admitted that work is his priority and it affects his relationship.

January 2, 2017

But he admitted that work is his priority and it affects his relationship.

You've talked about what you want. But I haven't read anything about what they want.

When I broke up with my last bf, I was consumed with regret. I was determined to get him back to the point I disregarded his feelings. There's nothing I can do to fix things with him now.

But what I can do is warn you against making the same mistakes I did.

If you really care about this person. Give them space and time to think about things. And if you don't like the conclusion they reach, well you're gonna have to suck it up and move on. Just because you want a second chance doesn't mean you'll get one.

And clinging on for dear life in the hope that they'll change their mind won't do either of you any favours. I know that from a Hell of a lot of experience.

Edited January 2, 2017 by vampirebrat
fixed a typo

January 2, 2017

Apparently you ignored it too, because when he texted you, you texted him back. If you had been serious about breaking up with him, you would have gone n/c.

I agree, that is exactly what I did. I mean it is obvious I didnt want to break up, I was only frustrated with a sudden change in communication. Yes, I know breaking up to get someone's reaction is stupid and childish. But I do react in the heat of a moment (a lot).

When I said "he ignored it", my point was that I gave him few chances to get put of the relationship if he didnt want it (the last thing I wanted was to keep getting invested in someone who has lost interest). I asked him few times what he wants and also, I broke up with him but he didnt accept it the first time.

January 2, 2017

You've talked about what you want. But I haven't read anything about what they want.

When I broke up with my last bf, I was consumed with regret. I was determined to get him back to the point I disregarded his feelings. There's nothing I can do to fix things with him now.

But what I can do is warn you against making the same mistakes I did.

If you really care about this person. Give them space and time to think about things. And if you don't like the conclusion they reach, well you're gonna have to suck it up and move on. Just because you want a second chance doesn't mean you'll get one.

And clinging on for dear life in the hope that they'll change their mind won't do either of you any favours. I know that from a Hell of a lot of experience.

This is what I am afraid of, that he is not interested anymore. That he lost his interest even before I broke up with him. And I have already asked him once and he said no. The reason, I still have hope is the last time we broke up, I called him the next day and he talked about giving it another chance. We even planned for our next trip. Then, he suggested a few days break to think about everything and talk again. But then, he didnt seem very interested to continue long distance.

January 2, 2017

I don't think it's anything to do with him not wanting to continue long distance, I think it's got everything to do with him not wanting to put up with the emotional drama of being repeatably dumped any time he has a busy day at work or otherwise isn't blowing your phone up.

You need to forget him, I bet if for some reason you get back together you will be doing the same thing again in a month.

And you need to get a handle on your impulse control if you are to have a good relationship going forward. I recommend taking time to yourself without dating.

January 2, 2017

I don't think it's anything to do with him not wanting to continue long distance, I think it's got everything to do with him not wanting to put up with the emotional drama of being repeatably dumped any time he has a busy day at work or otherwise isn't blowing your phone up.

You need to forget him, I bet if for some reason you get back together you will be doing the same thing again in a month.

And you need to get a handle on your impulse control if you are to have a good relationship going forward. I recommend taking time to yourself without dating.

That is the reason I am writing here. I really want to change. I realized how needy I was. Also, this was the longest period we didnt see each other and most stressful too for both of us. I believe if I see him, ans we talk about everything, I wouldn't ever do something like that again. LDR is actually working for me (I am too busy to date locally and he also accepts me the way I am).

I know it is hard to believe "I won't ever do that again" and that is the reason I am not reaching out to him. I wouldnt even know how to phrase it, I wouldnt know what to tell him. But I really want him back.

January 2, 2017

Was this guy your boyfriend? You called him "guy" .. but you've known each other for 2 years seeing each other months at a time.. . It's very possible he met someone else :s was there an agreement to be exclusive ? Maybe months at a time of seeing you got hard for him and he found someone local. you might have got that feeling when he changed and you felt insecure causing you to break up with him/react the way you did?

Edited January 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

January 2, 2017

Was this guy your boyfriend? You called him "guy" .. but you've known each other for 2 years seeing each other months at a time.. . It's very possible he met someone else :s you might have got that feeling and felt insecure when he changed and broke up with him

Yes, he was my boyfriend. The first time I asked him "how he sees this going" he said he would like to keep seeing me (despite the fact that it is very difficult and expensive) and once I am ready to move to his state we could move in together. Then, two months later (another trip), we discussed things again and he said (though not as enthusiastically as before) "this is not ideal situation but we can try to make this work and see what happens. If you ask me, we are in a relationship."

I thought about it, why sudden change. Did he meet someone else? But, I don't think so. Even when the communication dropped, we still said good night every night, we still talked every day and planned our next meeting.

Now, did his feelings drop? Maybe and that's why I asked him what he wants. When I broke up with him he told me "I dont want this to be an end." And then he took me back (second time). He still talked about future.

However, I have to say when I started telling him how difficult and intense my last year at school will be, he gave me an option to reduce "relationship" to being friends and try again later. I told him I cant do that and asked why would he suggest it at all. He said he thought he was losing me and if a relationship is impossible he wanted to stay in touch with me at least.

And the last time we broke up, he said he would like for us to cross paths in the future. I am not sure if that was genuine or just to soften the blow.

I am sorry, I am adding more info as I remember it.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Gracieboo

January 2, 2017

Yes, he was my boyfriend. The first time I asked him "how he sees this going" he said he would like to keep seeing me (despite the fact that it is very difficult and expensive) and once I am ready to move to his state we could move in together. Then, two months later (another trip), we discussed things again and he said (though not as enthusiastically as before) "this is not ideal situation but we can try to make this work and see what happens. If you ask me, we are in a relationship."
I thought about it, why sudden change. Did he meet someone else? But, I don't think so. Even when the communication dropped, we still said good night every night, we still talked every day and planned our next meeting.
Now, did his feelings drop? Maybe and that's why I asked him what he wants. When I broke up with him he told me "I dont want this to be an end." And then he took me back (second time). He still talked about future.
However, I have to say when I started telling him how difficult and intense my last year at school will be, he gave me an option to reduce "relationship" to being friends and try again later. I told him I cant do that and asked why would he suggest it at all. He said he thought he was losing me and if a relationship is impossible he wanted to stay in touch with me at least.
And the last time we broke up, he said he would like for us to cross paths in the future. I am not sure if that was genuine or just to soften the blow.
I am sorry, I am adding more info as I remember it.

I see. Sorry this happened. I think you had valid reasons to feel the way you did. I think the problem (if I am to understand) was that you didn't communicate those feelings well. You felt him pulling away and instead discussing it with him and giving him distance, you acted impulsively. Perhaps he didn't meet anyone else but his feelings were waning. The beginnings of a relationship is always the most intense and exciting, but naturally after awhile things fade down. At to that the complexity of LDR, which can be difficult and expensive, it can really take the wind of of someone's sails. It gives a lot of downtime to think about how things are going to work out(or not).. I think that explains why a couple months later he wasn't as enthusiastic and then later offered to be friends.

I know you want him back. What others have said about what's done is done and it's a learning experience. The best bet now, if you have already apologized whole heartedly, explain honestly why you did what you did, and kept open your lines of communication, is to NC. You broke up with him 3 times. I think it is understandable if he is done. But keep NC to maximize your chance of his offer of crossing paths to work out. I know it feels weird because you feel like the dumper but technically he is the dumper here since you want back and he is walking away and rejected you. So ball is in his court. Good luck. x

January 2, 2017

I see. Sorry this happened. I think you had valid reasons to feel the way you did. I think the problem (if I am to understand) was that you didn't communicate those feelings well. You felt him pulling away and instead discussing it with him and giving him distance, you acted impulsively. Perhaps he didn't meet anyone else but his feelings were waning. The beginnings of a relationship is always the most intense and exciting, but naturally after awhile things fade down. At to that the complexity of LDR, which can be difficult and expensive, it can really take the wind of of someone's sails. It gives a lot of downtime to think about how things are going to work out(or not).. I think that explains why a couple months later he wasn't as enthusiastic and then later offered to be friends.

I know you want him back. What others have said about what's done is done and it's a learning experience. The best bet now, if you have already apologized whole heartedly, explain honestly why you did what you did, and kept open your lines of communication, is to NC. You broke up with him 3 times. I think it is understandable if he is done. But keep NC to maximize your chance of his offer of crossing paths to work out. I know it feels weird because you feel like the dumper but technically he is the dumper here since you want back and he is walking away and rejected you. So ball is in his court. Good luck. x

Thank you. I didnt exactly explain how I feel but yeah, he knows I am unhappy because he cant give me the attention I want. He once mentioned that he struggles to finish his work, help his sister out (she is going through divorce) and keep in touch with me, plan vacations and trips to see me. When I asked if it works for him, he said it does but obviously, it is not workinging for me, because I said I was unhappy in a relationship. I also think that the possibility of me moving over there put additional pressure on him (when I move I won't have a job in the first few months and he would need to support both of us) and he is not financially stable yet (just starting his business and it is going really slow). He also mentioned few times that he was not in a good place right now. I guess all that together outweighted his reasons to be in a relationship.

Bottom line: I continue NC and hope he maybe reach out one day? I dont think he will, though.

January 8, 2017

Ok, I ended up sending a text to him. I am not sure what I wanted to tell him but I texted "I miss you... I am sorry." I dont know. I wanted to say I am sorry I am texting him after all and also I am sorry for everything that happened...

I texted him 3 hours ago on whats up. He has been on the app 3 times but never opened my text (I am sure he can read it by not having to open it, since it is only 6 words long). I am not sure how to feel. He might as well end up not replying at all.... I am devasted... but I had to try one more time before giving up

January 9, 2017

He doesn't even want to open it? Six hours later? :(:(

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