cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Hey, now this is quite a ... complicated story and I would like to get as many advice as possible. Thanks. Me and my ex/first love broke up now about exactly a year ago after a year long relationship. My ex has a lot of "inner demons" which he personally is aware of, they make him lie a lot and not let people get to know his real self and our relationship was extremely messy but I loved him above all else. I do believe he loved me too... we had our beautiful moments and the chemistry between us was amazing.. just electric. I was in love with everything, even the way he moved and the sound of his voice.. It started out with love at first sight - just like in the movies - but I wasn't single so it was complicated. He contacted me which shocked me as I had NO IDEA he had any interest for me in return but we stayed in touch, texting sporadically over maybe 2 months before he got back with his ex (and since many years back-and-forth-girlfriend) this also shocked me as she'd apparently cheated on him A LOT before... They were only together that time around for a few weeks though, then him and I started texting again and eventually he asked me out causing me to just coldly break up with my boyfriend at the time in like 2 seconds... He didn't turn out to be a great boyfriend though and my family HATED him for it... he constantly made up dumb reasons to not have to spend time with me although when we did see each other he was so sweet and used to talk about our future together etc. but all along he refused to cut off contact with his ex although claiming several times that he had. I eventually found out they had cheated and I broke up after a shorter break I had wanted, the breakup was almost more than the cheating due to the horrible things he said after such as I had made him suicidal when I had gotten upset over the fact that he had cheated, that it was my fault.. I broke up in a text because we were texting when he said all he said but I hadn't it planned for it to end that way.... He quickly moved on but we still went to the same school and everyday he'd stare at me in the hallway like he wanted to approach me, maybe say sorry or SOMETHING... but he didn't. Instead he sent me a letter maybe 2 weeks after our breakup in which he explained his emotions, he admitted to having played me and taken me for granted (which was understandable as I was so dumb and naive and let him do anything, I always forgave him...) and that he regretted it, that he'd never been as happy with anyone as with me, that he only wanted me to know how much I had meant to him. I kind of just told him to leave me alone though as I was too hurt and upset and he said okay and did. I do believe that he meant those things though.. because he is definietely NOT the type of guy to sit and write a long letter/essay on his emotions.. he's not very "deep" and I often times felt that he would tell me stuff he'd probably never told anyone else when we were together. I wanted both revenge and to move on though so I started dating again quite quickly.. One of those men I dated was.. one of my ex's friends.... And I can see NOW how bad that was of me.. I couldn't see it then. I remember the first time I saw my ex after that date and he looked completely destroyed... he didn't see me but I walked past him, he was talking to a friend and laughing and joking as usual but his eyes were just empty, sad.. After this he stopped looking at me whenever I was around and instead avoided me completely, and that's how it's stayed since. He also pretty soon after made the relationship with his former ex-girlfriend official and they are still together now. I do believe he only did that to make me jealous but has stayed with her when that didn't make me come back to him, since they are each others rebound or whatever you should call it.. they always seem to end up together again when they need comfort.. But even the people around me who hated him say that they believe that he loved ME after all and that he would take me back in a heartbeat. We never got any closure as you may get from how it ended in a text... and I felt for very long that I needed that, then I met the guy who is currently my boyfriend... and I forgot about my ex. Didn't care, at least I think so. Now though I have started dreaming pretty much every night about my ex, but just that we talk mostly.. get closure, you know. Then the dream ends. I feel I need to speak to him but how..? It's been A YEAR and well I was the one who got hurt, he knows that and I know he's ashamed and he'd probably be SHOCKED and maybe think i'm insane or something if I contacted him now... We do have a friend in common though.. I have thought about talking to that friend about this, the fact that I need closure I mean, and then maybe this friend could bring that information to my ex.. or something like that... I just feel like I will be stuck forever without closure. I feel stuck and I can't move forward with my boyfriend anymore because of this, I feel I have so much I want to tell my ex and things I want him to explain and then I just want us to say goodbye on good terms. I'm not sure I could manage being friends with him though.. I don't think I could do that but we could at least have a real goodbye. I'm not sure what I wanna talk about exactly but I know that I need to talk, we never had a goodbye and that has always bothered me greatly. I was going to ask to talk to him a year ago but why I didn't I don't know... I know i should have though, then I wouldn't have had this problem now. So now my question is.. should I re-add him on social media, tell him I need to talk and ask to meet? Or speak to my friend? What would you do? And how would you react if you were him?... I don't want to seem pathetic lol...
fooloflove Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I know how u feel when u say you need closure, i had that feeling, sometimes it's gone and sometimes it sparks, u just want things to end. My suggestion, you could send him a text via social media, tell him what u felt 1 year ago and everything that u gonna say, that would probably make u feel a LOT better, which is what i did, don't bother if he didnt reply or so u did ur part and u had ur closure, im pretty sure you're ready to move on completely, text him in a casual way like an old friend. I hope this works for you.. good luck.
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Yeah I could do that but text won't work for me.. i'll need to see him face to face. :/ So then first I'd need to add him and then just tell him right away that I need to see him and talk, just for closure?
umirano Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I don't think you will get from that "final" talk what you're looking for. You don't even know what you're looking for. For all you know you might hear a bunch of accusations, resulting from the hurt and anger of the mind games that took place between the break up and now. Closure comes from within. People tell all sorts of things in these so called "closure talks". Lies, things that make them comfortable, some times they dump all their anger and hurt on you. Sometimes they divulge into an assurance of everlasting love and admiration, which frankly makes them look like morons and the other side loses the last bit of respect for them. And the other side hears all sorts of things in a closure talk. Some hear hints that they want to get back together where there are none, and others hear accusations where there are none. You're looking to open old wounds. You should focus on your new BF, and if you're not over your ex, and it certainly looks that way, then you should break up with the new BF and work on yourself until your fully over the ex. Does your new BF know that you're still hung up on this break up? 1
stillafool Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 No one can give you closure but yourself. Any questions he may answer will only bring about more questions that he can't or won't answer. If you see him you will be left wanting. If it has been a year he may be with someone else by now. 1
stillafool Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) Okay I read some of your other threads and I see that you are in a relationship. Also it seemed that your ex was still in love with his ex gf and cheated on you with her. Why would you want him back? He never seemed invested in you in the first place. If your current bf is treating you the way you deserve you should move forward with him because your feelings did not match your ex's. Do not contact him for closure as he treated you terribly and that's your closure. He and his ex are not rebound people they want to be together. He wasn't just staying to make you jealous and you have to accept that. Edited January 2, 2017 by stillafool
Redhead14 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Hey, now this is quite a ... complicated story and I would like to get as many advice as possible. Thanks. Me and my ex/first love broke up now about exactly a year ago after a year long relationship. My ex has a lot of "inner demons" which he personally is aware of, they make him lie a lot and not let people get to know his real self and our relationship was extremely messy but I loved him above all else. I do believe he loved me too... we had our beautiful moments and the chemistry between us was amazing.. just electric. I was in love with everything, even the way he moved and the sound of his voice.. It started out with love at first sight - just like in the movies - but I wasn't single so it was complicated. He contacted me which shocked me as I had NO IDEA he had any interest for me in return but we stayed in touch, texting sporadically over maybe 2 months before he got back with his ex (and since many years back-and-forth-girlfriend) this also shocked me as she'd apparently cheated on him A LOT before... They were only together that time around for a few weeks though, then him and I started texting again and eventually he asked me out causing me to just coldly break up with my boyfriend at the time in like 2 seconds... He didn't turn out to be a great boyfriend though and my family HATED him for it... he constantly made up dumb reasons to not have to spend time with me although when we did see each other he was so sweet and used to talk about our future together etc. but all along he refused to cut off contact with his ex although claiming several times that he had. I eventually found out they had cheated and I broke up after a shorter break I had wanted, the breakup was almost more than the cheating due to the horrible things he said after such as I had made him suicidal when I had gotten upset over the fact that he had cheated, that it was my fault.. I broke up in a text because we were texting when he said all he said but I hadn't it planned for it to end that way.... He quickly moved on but we still went to the same school and everyday he'd stare at me in the hallway like he wanted to approach me, maybe say sorry or SOMETHING... but he didn't. Instead he sent me a letter maybe 2 weeks after our breakup in which he explained his emotions, he admitted to having played me and taken me for granted (which was understandable as I was so dumb and naive and let him do anything, I always forgave him...) and that he regretted it, that he'd never been as happy with anyone as with me, that he only wanted me to know how much I had meant to him. I kind of just told him to leave me alone though as I was too hurt and upset and he said okay and did. I do believe that he meant those things though.. because he is definietely NOT the type of guy to sit and write a long letter/essay on his emotions.. he's not very "deep" and I often times felt that he would tell me stuff he'd probably never told anyone else when we were together. I wanted both revenge and to move on though so I started dating again quite quickly.. One of those men I dated was.. one of my ex's friends.... And I can see NOW how bad that was of me.. I couldn't see it then. I remember the first time I saw my ex after that date and he looked completely destroyed... he didn't see me but I walked past him, he was talking to a friend and laughing and joking as usual but his eyes were just empty, sad.. After this he stopped looking at me whenever I was around and instead avoided me completely, and that's how it's stayed since. He also pretty soon after made the relationship with his former ex-girlfriend official and they are still together now. I do believe he only did that to make me jealous but has stayed with her when that didn't make me come back to him, since they are each others rebound or whatever you should call it.. they always seem to end up together again when they need comfort.. But even the people around me who hated him say that they believe that he loved ME after all and that he would take me back in a heartbeat. We never got any closure as you may get from how it ended in a text... and I felt for very long that I needed that, then I met the guy who is currently my boyfriend... and I forgot about my ex. Didn't care, at least I think so. Now though I have started dreaming pretty much every night about my ex, but just that we talk mostly.. get closure, you know. Then the dream ends. I feel I need to speak to him but how..? It's been A YEAR and well I was the one who got hurt, he knows that and I know he's ashamed and he'd probably be SHOCKED and maybe think i'm insane or something if I contacted him now... We do have a friend in common though.. I have thought about talking to that friend about this, the fact that I need closure I mean, and then maybe this friend could bring that information to my ex.. or something like that... I just feel like I will be stuck forever without closure. I feel stuck and I can't move forward with my boyfriend anymore because of this, I feel I have so much I want to tell my ex and things I want him to explain and then I just want us to say goodbye on good terms. I'm not sure I could manage being friends with him though.. I don't think I could do that but we could at least have a real goodbye. I'm not sure what I wanna talk about exactly but I know that I need to talk, we never had a goodbye and that has always bothered me greatly. I was going to ask to talk to him a year ago but why I didn't I don't know... I know i should have though, then I wouldn't have had this problem now. So now my question is.. should I re-add him on social media, tell him I need to talk and ask to meet? Or speak to my friend? What would you do? And how would you react if you were him?... I don't want to seem pathetic lol... At this point, for you, it's just time for you to get a grip and be resolved to accept the fact that this man is no longer in your life and never was a suitable partner anyway. Turn your focus to the here and now and look at what you have right now. Be Nike -- JUST DO IT! Closure comes from within. It's about tapping into your inner strength and accepting reality. Do not do anything to jeopardize what you have now by being distracted by things you have no control over and dragging around the "proverbial baggage". but I loved him above all else -- The minute a person says something like this to themselves, it means they've lost themselves in a relationship and that is unhealthy. Do not reach out in any way, shape or form. It will not accomplish what you hope it will. Instead turn this emotional energy into something more productive and satisfying. Focus on you, your current life and your future. It does no good to live in or look into the past except if you look at the past and learn from it. I feel stuck and I can't move forward with my boyfriend anymore because of this -- That is very unfair to your current boyfriend. It also says that you are not ready for a new relationship. I don't want to seem pathetic-- And, yet, you are being pathetic . . . I suspect that's how reaching out to him now will come across to him. "GET OVER IT". 2
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Well I don't know.. I just feel I can't do this. Maybe talking to him won't solve anything but I just know I need to. I need him to know how I felt and I need to know how he felt and I need to know from beginning to end what was real and what wasn't. I don't want anymore of this stupid pretending-like-we-dont-know-each-other game everytime we happen to walk past each other somewhere, it's annoying and it's stupid. We have a past, I can't ignore that and I don't want to because it's childish. If he does love her then fine, he can tell me that face to my face and I will wish them all the best because I have moved on myself now and I don't care but I need to hear him say it and I need him to know how I felt and then I can leave it all behind. We can say goodbye on good terms, no hard feelings just decide to forget the crap that happened and remember the good things and not be bitter about it anymore. I've tried closure on my own, i've written my emotions and i've tried to make sense out of everything a million times it doesn't work. I've been trying to talk to a counselor but couldn't get a hold of one. My boyfriend does not know but that is his fault because I told him at the start that I had just had a really messy relationship and he asked NOTHING.... so fine don't ask, don't know - it's not my problem then. But sure I would tell him about it if I was going to go talk to my ex. I know the risks, knowing how careless and selfish he very often is he might make things worse but so what, can't get worse than it is. It can't get worse than how empty and hopeless I felt after the breakup. I'm thinking of just hinting all this at the friend we share, ask them what they'd do if they couldn't get over their ex without closure.. my friend knows who my ex is.. and is friends with him as well.. they could help. But I don't know.. I'm stuck. I can see myself how this is a bad idea and I have no idea what to say anymore, i've figured out the answers to most of my questions myself already, I don't know what I want, i'm confused, part of me misses him, part of me wants nothing to do with him ever again, part of me needs this painful bitterness between us to go away. We were so good together after all, everyone saw us and they saw our love and they thought we were amazing together - as did I.. We were this movie-like opposites attract-couple and we had a chemistry that was so strong from both of us that I could feel it long before I even had any clue he felt the same way. Then in a second it was all gone and I had no idea what had just happened. It can't be like this after what we once had.. Yes I might be able to let it go on my own one day after lots of therapy and lots of alone time, i'd need to leave my boyfriend whom I love and be alone for a long time and stuck in my past for god knows how much longer, dreaming at night about saying everything I wish I could say and seeing him around pretending like nothing in real life. I know myself.. i've had crushes I haven't been able to fully get over in years, that's the person I am. I feel everything too deply but i'm never going to again, i've changed.. i'm not even sure I believe in love anymore but I do know that my boyfriend makes me happy but i'll leave if I need to. Everything has to end eventually anyway.
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) Sorry for an upsetting post.. I added him now anyway.. I spoke to my mother about it as she is a very wise woman whose always wanted my best and she hated him but she can see how it's all affecting me so she told me I have to do it, to move on. I trust her more than anyone. She's never been wrong about anything, not my entire life. And she also know our past.. she knows the good AND the bad. She knows that even if it had A LOT of bad stuff that relationship did not deserve to end the way it did. And after all in my opinion he owes me a real ending, and I know that he's ashamed how things ended so maybe even he will feel this might be a good idea and maybe I could finally get an apology. I really hope so. It's not like i'm saying I still love him or some crap like that, I just wanna talk and make up, stop being bitter about it. He should understand that. And I have sort of done this before, with the guy I broke up with before me and my ex were together.. he was hurt and deleted me from social media but although we'd both moved on I added him again months later, just because.. And he accepted and we've talked a little now and then and it's all good. We aren't "friends" but we are on good terms and could probably easily be friends now if we chose to be, the only reaon we're not is probably because I rather not be close friends with any ex. I want the same with my ex too. That's all. Edited January 2, 2017 by cassielassie
vampirebrat Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Well I don't know.. I just feel I can't do this. You can do this, and trust me cold turkey is the way to go. You sound like you're drawn to him the same way I'm drawn to my ex. It's like an addiction for me, and just like any other addict I just want the next little hit. Well it's not worth it, because when you see them it makes you worse. And the emotional come down afterwards is just Hell. Why put yourself through that for someone who just didn't give a **** about you? Don't do it to yourself. You're worth way more. You wanna know the best form of revenge? Being happy. Let him wallow in his own misery, while you're out having fun with your mates and bf. People generally seek closure if they're unhappy. Look at your life atm and really think about why these feelings have bubbled up. Chances are there's an underlying niggle that's making you feel like you need to go back. Don't do it. He will only drag you down. Why risk your current happiness for him? He's not worth. No ex is.
Redhead14 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Sorry for an upsetting post.. I added him now anyway.. I spoke to my mother about it as she is a very wise woman whose always wanted my best and she hated him but she can see how it's all affecting me so she told me I have to do it, to move on. I trust her more than anyone. She's never been wrong about anything, not my entire life. And she also know our past.. she knows the good AND the bad. She knows that even if it had A LOT of bad stuff that relationship did not deserve to end the way it did. And after all in my opinion he owes a real ending, and I know that he's ashamed how things ended so maybe even he will feel this might be a good idea and maybe I could finally get an apology. I really hope so. my mother about it as she is a very wise woman -- I am sure she is a wise woman, but she is your mother and, probably, knows you well enough to know you won't let it go unless you do it your way. But, that does not mean she doesn't know that you will likely get burned and will "allow" you to learn the hard way as parents sometimes do in order to let the "child" learn a lesson. You can keep thinking and doing things that sabotage yourself or you can use insight and strength to move forward for yourself. If you start doing this for yourself now, you will begin to realize your strength and, in the future, feel stronger when faced with challenges. Pulling up your inner strength now would be the beginning of a stronger, more secure, independent life for yourself. Good luck with your decision.
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Yeah I might get burned, learn the hard way but I might need it to. I've always lived a very "secure" life, avoided anything that might burn me, i'm a very calm and careful person to the point where it's silly almost. It's really boring to live like that and I sometimes find myself WANTING to make mistakes and bad decisions so I can feel i've lived a little, and so I can grow ... maybe that is really what this is about, who knows ... or maybe i'm just another one of those girls running around after "bad boys" who'll only end up breaking their heart over and over again. Either way i'm just gonna see it as a positive thing whatever happens, I usually try to do that anyway, and see this as something that I did do instead of it having become an eternal "what if". We'll talk, and before I leave i'll let him know exactly what he threw away and then i'll leave with a smile on my face and never need him again. That's what I gotta do.
Redhead14 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Yeah I might get burned, learn the hard way but I might need it to. I've always lived a very "secure" life, avoided anything that might burn me, i'm a very calm and careful person to the point where it's silly almost. It's really boring to live like that and I sometimes find myself WANTING to make mistakes and bad decisions so I can feel i've lived a little, and so I can grow ... maybe that is really what this is about, who knows ... or maybe i'm just another one of those girls running around after "bad boys" who'll only end up breaking their heart over and over again. Either way i'm just gonna see it as a positive thing whatever happens, I usually try to do that anyway, and see this as something that I did do instead of it having become an eternal "what if". We'll talk, and before I leave i'll let him know exactly what he threw away and then i'll leave with a smile on my face and never need him again. That's what I gotta do. avoided anything that might burn me -- Haven't you already burned yourself by sticking with this guy for as long as you did???? Don't stick you hand in the fire - twice . . . We'll talk, and before I leave i'll let him know exactly what he threw away and then i'll leave with a smile on my face and never need him again. -- If he threw it away, he thought is was garbage anyway and that's the way he treated you. He didn't respect you then, he's not going to respect you now.
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) avoided anything that might burn me -- Haven't you already burned yourself by sticking with this guy for as long as you did???? Don't stick you hand in the fire - twice . . . We'll talk, and before I leave i'll let him know exactly what he threw away and then i'll leave with a smile on my face and never need him again. -- If he threw it away, he thought is was garbage anyway and that's the way he treated you. He didn't respect you then, he's not going to respect you now. I only wanna talk and be on good terms.. I don't see why he should think any less of me for it. I'm not gonna be all emotional, i'm just gonna say that I don't really understand what happened because it all happened so quick, then say I don't hate him and that I have moved on and so has he.. we can be good now. He's done this before too, his made up with his other ex many times she's left him and then come back again the only difference is she is all emotional everytime and begs him to take her back.. I ain't gonna do that lol. He's basically already admitted to not having respected me, in his "letter", and that he regretted it so I know he's ashamed and I can tell everytime I see him around. I don't see the big deal with wanting to move on quicker by talking to someone and deciding to be friendly. We live in the same town.. we share friends.. It's not a big deal unless either of us decide to make it one and I am certainly not. Edited January 2, 2017 by cassielassie
eightytwenty Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I think when people ask for closure, they want this talk to make them feel so much better. Make the pain go away. No talk is going to give you that. Best thing to do is move on from this guy, go NC, and let time do what its going to do.
Author cassielassie Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Well I think that solving things by explaining everything to each other and ending it on good terms WILL make things better, maybe it won't make a difference to him what do i know, but it will to me. I recently also saw the movie 500 Days of Summer and (SPOILER ALERT) --- at the end of the movie Tom gets closure and is finally able to move on once she explains to him why she did what she did and although it was hard to hear it made him feel better and he was even able to forgive her and tell her that he hopes she's really happy. That's a movie, sure, but a very realistic one imo, and that kind of closure is just what I need.
stillafool Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Just go ahead and do it. There's no need to keep talking about it if that is what you feel will help you.
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