notsure1991 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) Hey Loveshack, first time visiting these forums. Hopefully someone can shed some light on something I may not be noticing from where I stand or offer advice if you've been in a similar situation. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, but bear with me.... I've been dating my girlfriend for just about a year now. All in all, I really do love her. She's beautiful, sweet, fun and understanding. However, there has been a red flag that I thought would eventually go away with time...but instead of fading, if anything, it's gotten worse. You see, my girlfriend is extremely (overly, in my opinion) dependent on/attached to her parents. She's 25 years old and an only child. I suppose you could argue this really is center issue and a few other issues stem from it. The first is that she has clearly been coddled over the course of her life and her parents are still very overprotective of her - I believe it's stunting her growth as a person. Her mom is constantly warning her to not eat unhealthy things when we go places, not to drink too much whenever we go out, her parents accompany her to doctor visits and she's constantly texting her mom whenever she's upset, she didn't sleep well, etc - all things that I'm not sure what her mom could do about it, but it almost reminds me of when a child complains to their parents that they aren't feeling well. It's clear that whenever she's upset, she wants to run to her parents' side. And she does. Her parents are also completely supporting her. Rent, cell phone, car payment, insurance, etc - they are footing the bills for all of that. A few months into our relationship she endured a health issue that forced her to quit her job. I was supportive at the time, but she's still not working and I believe at this point she's using her health issue as a crutch, and her parents are enabling her. They are constantly dropping everything whenever she has an issue and continuing to pay for everything for her. And I guess, at this point, I'm a little worried that this is who she is and she's never going to change if she's still like this at 25 years old. When we first starting dating and when she first faced her medical issue, I was supportive and chalked it up to the fact that everyone goes through tough times. I still am supportive. I told myself that she is lucky to have such supportive parents - but now I really think they hurt her more than they help her, even though they don't intend to do so of course. I still want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow out of this with time, but I get less and less sure as time goes by. She always says she can't wait to have a career and support herself, but after a year and various excuses those words are becoming more and more hollow from where I stand. I worry that we're going to be 40 years old and married with kids, and she's going to run to her mommy and daddy whenever she has a bad day or isn't feeling well. Or that her parents are never going to let her grow into the person she could grow to be. Or that her parents will try to insert themselves in our relationship/family life as it develops because they've been so involved in hers. All in all it really is becoming a turn off, but I want to know if there's anything I can do to address these issues and if there's any hope for her to mature and grow out of this. Edited January 2, 2017 by notsure1991 grammar
Author notsure1991 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 I should add that her parents are extremely nice and we get along great. She's also not a brat - she doesn't have champagne taste or anything like that. It just feels like she's incapable of supporting herself or being her own person as an adult at this point. 1
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Spell it out to her....she needs to stop her "codependency" with her parents....or your relationship cannot continue. Suggest counseling. 4
Els Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 A few months into our relationship she endured a health issue that forced her to quit her job. I was supportive at the time, but she's still not working and I believe at this point she's using her health issue as a crutch, and her parents are enabling her. They are constantly dropping everything whenever she has an issue and continuing to pay for everything for her. What health issue is this exactly? It's hard to judge with such limited information. Some health issues can really severely hamper a person's ability to work. Do you both live in a country where people can get disability benefits?
Author notsure1991 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 What health issue is this exactly? It's hard to judge with such limited information. Some health issues can really severely hamper a person's ability to work. Do you both live in a country where people can get disability benefits? There have actually been multiple issues, which is a reason why I've grown suspicious as to whether she's using her health as a crutch or not. The first issue was an apparent back injury. The other is hypothyroidism, which she was diagnosed with when she was 18. And I get it, it's a hard disease - my sister in-law has it and another girl I dated years ago dealt with it as well. But the timing is what through me off, because it suddenly flared up after apparently being under control for years, right as she got a new job. And then she quit again within two weeks. I'll add another anecdote that makes me skeptical - recently she told me that when she was younger, her parents would let her stay home from school if she didn't feel like going or if she needed a "break". Um, maybe my parents were crazy, but that was absolutely never even a consideration in my household. The only reason I was ever staying home was if I was truly sick. Also, we both live in the US. She's still fully insured through her parents.
Els Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 There have actually been multiple issues, which is a reason why I've grown suspicious as to whether she's using her health as a crutch or not. The first issue was an apparent back injury. The other is hypothyroidism, which she was diagnosed with when she was 18. And I get it, it's a hard disease - my sister in-law has it and another girl I dated years ago dealt with it as well. "Apparent" back injury?? As in, you don't even trust that she genuinely has a back injury? And you don't trust that she genuinely has hypothyroidism either (though that can be easily treated)? I think your problems with her go way beyond the job situation. If you're with a person whom you don't even trust anymore, is there really a point in carrying on?
Author notsure1991 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 "Apparent" back injury?? As in, you don't even trust that she genuinely has a back injury? And you don't trust that she genuinely has hypothyroidism either (though that can be easily treated)? I think your problems with her go way beyond the job situation. If you're with a person whom you don't even trust anymore, is there really a point in carrying on? No, I do believe both cases. I just think she exaggerates and uses them as a crutch. I also know hypothyroidism can be treated easily, but it's been about 7 months since she last worked now and has been blaming it on the hypothyroidism the whole time even though her levels have returned to normal for a while now.
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Things may change for her, sadly with the loss of her parents. Unless, of course, she simply decides to rely on you to meet her emotional, financial, and every other need. Life is going to be a harsh reality for her, when she has to support herself and cope with the working world. It sounds like her parents have given her many things, but unfortunately they have failed to provide the skills needed to support herself and deal with the many challenges of life. It's sad really, because it doesn't allow her to develop confidence in her ability to manage her life. Sorry, I'm not saying this to be unkind. Perhaps it will change, by why would it when her parents have enabled her for so many years and her every need is provided. But, I do think you have a right to be concerned... Best wishes. 2
Kempeitai Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 getting into relationships where you need the other person to change is asking for trouble. 2
Popsicle Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) She sounds like my ex-bf. His mom is always his safety net and he is 42. He will never truly experience anything hard and work through it on his own. He doesn't have to, she keeps him safe and sound. As you can guess, this has been going on forever and they like it that way. It'll never change. Things may change for her, sadly with the loss of her parents. Maybe not if they leave her a house and money. Such will be the case for my ex-bf. My ex-H's (who is very independent, btw) sister is this way too. She can't detach and be independent from her mom and she is 50. Edited January 2, 2017 by Popsicle
travelbug1996 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Does she have a degree? If not, does she want one? What are her career goals? If she has no ambition that could be a problem depending on what you like in a women.
Thenicegirl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I don't see her changing unless there is a life-changing event that requires her to grow up. More than likely if she gets married she's going to expect her husband to practically be a father figure to her and coddle her as much as her parents did. If you want a partner that is independent and shares financial responsibilities with you then I'm afraid it probably won't be her. Do you know what she wants her future to be like? Maybe she has no interest in working at all really and plans on being a stay at home wife/mom.
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 OP, i think you have a good outlook on what is going on with her. Two things. She sounds super dependent. Better the parents than you, right? And enabled. Better them than you, right? I actually know a few people like this. It helps that the parents are lovely people. That said, if she has been getting away with it for this long, she will likely transfer that to her serious relationship bf (you, if you stick around), fiancé or husband. Usually while continuing to get support from the parents. I have noticed that people who are enabled and dependent to your gf's extent tend to be VERY good to find people to look after them. Primarily because while others were out getting good at learning how to take care of themselves and depend on themselves, these ones were getting good on learning how to ask for and receive assistance (sometimes, most of the time not even ask). It doesn't really make them a bad person BUT it can be very hard to be in an equal (ish) type relationship where resentment/conflict do not build. In ways, it can seem like you have a child rather than a partner. I think they also become very adept at not taking responsibility for just about everything & kinda leeching off those they are closest to. They may not act bratty but for all intents and purposes are brats, if that makes sense. It usually has a strong financial component where it's entitled not earned even in the ways it could be earned (like helping her parents in SOME way). When things are going well for these type of people that I've seen, they usually disappear on the ones they "leaned" heavily on. Anyway, don't know exactly what to tell you. I think if you are feeling resentful in the least, it might be time to break up. I would definitely hold off on any big life things (moving in, engagement, etc) until she has proven for a significant amount of time that she has changed her ways and is productive on her own. On the positive, since there are elements of her relationship with her parents that sound pretty good, what you can assume from this is that she does value close and family relationships. And puts a lot into them. This could be a good thing for you in the future. That trait, provide it is not based on financial support, is not of a "using nature", nor is fleeting, is something that would be probably really nice to have in a long term relationship. Make sure she grows up & is not a user. Good luck 1
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 She has been very sheltered and, quite honestly, it would be great to be in a situation like that where you have the unfailing support of parents. The downside, of course, is that they may interfere in a way she doesn't want. However, from what you say this does not appear to bother her. She has health issues which concern her. You are looking for someone mature who can look after themselves a lot better than she is currently demonstrating. As another poster said, she will find life is hard when her parents are not around or no longer able to support her. Maybe you need to talk to her about what you see as her not getting the chance to stand on her own two feet. Perhaps sound her out about whether she does want a more independent life with you and to have a career and her own income or whether she prefers to carry on as she is. It sounds to me as though you have had a different upbringing and find hers has been a bit 'soft'. It could be that you are right; it could also be that you have a less sympathetic nature than she needs. It is not possible for us to tell from one side of the story. I would try talking to her about it. If you are not happy that she will become a full partner with you, i.e. will need too much looking-after, then you need to consider what you really want from a partner. Maybe she's not the one. 1
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I say the part is over and it's time to leave....
umirano Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 The first is that she has clearly been coddled over the course of her life and her parents are still very overprotective of her - I believe it's stunting her growth as a person. Her mom is constantly warning her to not eat unhealthy things when we go places, not to drink too much whenever we go out, her parents accompany her to doctor visits and she's constantly texting her mom whenever she's upset, she didn't sleep well, etc - all things that I'm not sure what her mom could do about it, but it almost reminds me of when a child complains to their parents that they aren't feeling well. Sounds like my ex. She'd facetime them every day, wouldn't take care of things without a special parental invitation, and her parents fed this habit by always intervening when she had to face grown up stuff... I don't know what you could do as a boyfriend, other than encourage her to take her life into her own hands. Sometimes, when she was upset with her parents I tried to advertise how she wouldn't have to fight with them if she'd be more independent from them, and at times it worked, but she used to slide back. If it wasn't her parents who had to intervene she'd turn to me, which bothered me too. I never asked her to take care of my banking or administrative problems. I'm not talking about "I have 40°C fever, would you please pick up my registered mail" type problems. I'm talking about "Could you ask my prof to send me my documents? Could you come with me to talk to the landlord?" for no particular reason other than that she didn't like to deal with these things. Oh well, we're not together anymore so that might not be a problem in the future.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 You sort of sound like one of my exes. When I was with him (a decade ago), I was unable to work due to health problems and was getting a lot of support of all kind from my parents (I was completing my PhD part time though) then. He extrapolated all kinds of conclusions from being with me during that tough year. How I am making excuses and will never work, how I will be looking for him to support me for the rest of my life, how PhD is just an excuse for me to be an "eternal student" etc etc. I resented him so much because I knew he was wrong on all counts. We broke up and once my health issues cleared up (which ironically were made much worse by the amount of stress he was putting on me), I found a great career and have now been working full time for many years. Not only am I financially independent but I earn much more than him and am in a position to financially support my parents because I now have more than they do. Emotionally, my family is still very close and we mutually support each other. The love of my family is something I treasure more than anything else and don't see it as ever holding me back. On the contrary, it gave me so much strength to pull myself up every time life has given me some ****ty situations. My current boyfriend loves that I have such strong family values and I would never date anyone again who had a problem with it.
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