Swood86 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I've been seeing a guy for month, once or twice a week even over Christmas. It's pretty casual, no formal dates etc. He initiates 90% of time, I've made sure not to text him a lot as to not smother him which has worked as he messages every day or two. I spent New Year's Eve with him and he was very affectionate as always and was saying he couldn't wait to get home and be with me etc. He sent out a group text to family and friends which I was included in to my surprise. When it came through on my phone he noticed I didn't have his number saved, he asked why. I'm quite an insecure person who is always overthinking and I thought if I saved his number it makes it too real and then if it ended I'd be more upset (crazy I know) Midnight rolled around and we didn't kiss and it just seemed a bit different suddenly. In the cab home he asked me again and I explained saying I must sound like a crazy person. I don't remember how he responded but when we got home he wasn't all over me like earlier and ended up falling asleep. In the morning I intiatied sex which I never have had to. We chatted for a bit but I kept thinking that he was upset with what had happened so I don't think I was myself because he asked me if something was up. I said no (in hindsight I should have brought it up) We had planned to do something in the afternoon so I went home to change and sent him a text saying I'll be there at 2pm to which he said take your time, I'm moving slowly. I took that to mean come later on so I got to his at 4pm and tried buzzing his apartment a few times, no answer. Tried calling his phone several times, no answer so I left a text saying sorry I was late I literally took my time, let me know if you want company later on. He replied at 8:30 saying sorry he had passed out and let's take a rain check. I assume rain check is a word used when you want to be polite and don't want to see someone again. I tried calling him but he didn't answer so I sent a text saying I was calling to apologise and explain myself about not saving his number and that I've really liked seeing him and I hope I can again soon. He replied don't worry about it!! You are too lovely to me! You are a beautiful woman, happy new year!! Then sent another messaged talking about a movie he had just watched. Have I offended him and now he is trying to politely brush me off or am I over reacting??
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 He replied at 8:30 saying sorry he had passed out and let's take a rain check. I assume rain check is a word used when you want to be polite and don't want to see someone again. NO, it doesn't mean that. take a rain check (on sth) used to tell someone that you cannot accept an invitation now, but would like to do so at a later time:
umirano Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 He might have been a bit miffed, but it looks like he's over it now. Relax.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I think he probably was offended, OP. I would be, if I'd been dating a guy for a month and my number wasn't even saved in his phone. I also would wonder why it took you two hours to show up when you had initially said you were on your way. Yes, he told you to take your time but I doubt he expected you to take that long. After the event of the previous night, you should have been more on the ball today. He got tired of waiting for you. I think he is still open to giving it a chance, but you are sending signals that your interest is rather low. Even if that's not your intention, it could well be coming across that way. Be careful not to keep your guard up too much. 5
basil67 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 He makes 90% of the effort and you don't have his number saved. You've initiated sex only once. Perhaps he doubts your enthusiasm for him? And yes a 'rain check' is a postponement. 5
Logo Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) People don't like it when others play games. Remember, actions speak louder than words and apologies are just that. Trust is a big deal in any relationship, especially in a romantic relationship. He probably got turned off by your not saving his number. That would send me running in the other direction if a woman did that to me. If you really like him, stop apologizing and show him that you actually care and want to be with him. Ask him where he likes to hang out or what he likes to do. Bring it up as part of a conversation. After he tells you, invite him to go there. Make a gesture of good will. That's my opinion. Or, surprise him and offer to go someplace special, be enthusiastic about the offer. By the way, you might want to clarify things better next time, about when to meet and such. Don't leave room for doubt, but at the same time, don't bring it to the point that it becomes a nuisance. Just have clear and specific communication. It makes a big difference. Two hours is a long time. From his perspective, he now sees you as either a woman who plays games because she enjoys men's attention, that you were only interested in a one night stand, or that you are not that into him. Edited January 2, 2017 by Logo 1
joseb Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Your explanation as to why you didn't save his number makes no sense at all. If I saw that and heard the excuse, I'd either think it was a lie (e.g. the girl has a boyfriend and doesn't want him to see names on the phone), she had so little interest she didn't bother saving my name, or this girl was just really weird. And showing up two hours late? Very disrespectful, can totally see why he is pissed off. Surprised he is giving you so many chances when it looks as if you have very little interest in him. 6
Author Swood86 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Thanks everyone, I can see in hindsight now I have come off as uninterested and the phone number thing I would have been upset with too if the roles were flipped. I have a really strange way of thinking that I don't actually realise it's weird until I explain it. I've come out of an 11 year relationship and have just started to decided to get out there having never dated before. I feel like I was trying to play by the rules to a point and not seem overly keen by letting him instigate a lot so I knew he was interested. I'm just not sure how to proceed now, do I give him a bit of space?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 No, invite him to do something fun with you. If you like this guy, now is the time to start showing him that. If you back off and give him "space" when he gave zero indication of wanting or needing it, you are going to confirm to him that you're not overly interested. You need to re-learn how to date, it seems. If you approach this with so much caution that you are putting up a wall, you are going to lose out on something that could be great. 2
basil67 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I don't know which 'rules' you're following, but it's not doing you any good. Giving him space would further cement his idea that you're not interested. If you are keen, show him. No game playing. 3
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I can understand your caution and not saving his number is a bit odd but I can see your reasoning. It would actually be quite inconvenient for you not to, but that was your choice. I can see why he would be concerned as he may have thought you didn't want another guy to see his name come up. However, he should not have been looking at your phone anyway unless you were checking it right under his nose. If the guy likes you, then reciprocate and give something (text, phone call, meeting) in response to his giving.If he is initiating 90% of the time, that is too much of an imbalance for him to feel wanted by you. The late thing was a bit remiss of you, but you already realise that. If he really wants you, I think he'll try to contact you again, so please be ready to be responsive. If not, he will give up on you.
BDJ_1 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Thanks everyone, I can see in hindsight now I have come off as uninterested and the phone number thing I would have been upset with too if the roles were flipped. I have a really strange way of thinking that I don't actually realise it's weird until I explain it. I've come out of an 11 year relationship and have just started to decided to get out there having never dated before. I feel like I was trying to play by the rules to a point and not seem overly keen by letting him instigate a lot so I knew he was interested. I'm just not sure how to proceed now, do I give him a bit of space? No. Your actions have given him the impression you are not that interested in him. If that is not the impression you want to give, then you need to act in a way that conveys interest. Giving him a bit of space will not achieve that. 1
Author Swood86 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 I asked him to do something today to which he said he was ironing and maybe going to the gym. I think I have blown it
Lansing Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Did you flat out ask him to do something? Or did you say "what are you going today"? If you said "hey, would like to see you today" and he responded with that, yeah, doesn't look good.
Author Swood86 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Did you flat out ask him to do something? Or did you say "what are you going today"? If you said "hey, would like to see you today" and he responded with that, yeah, doesn't look good. I asked him what he was doing and would he like to go for a walk down to this new area near where he lives.
OnlyHonesty Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Usually when ever you play stupid games, you end up winning stupid prizes. 4
Pill Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I would bet he figured he wasn't a priority in your life based on your actions and now he's decided to not make you a priority in his life. Which you deserve as far as I'm concerned. 1
ChatroomHero Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) I understand the guy being put off by the phone number thing, I would assume the girl was humoring me by going out. I would look back and analyze that all the effort was put in by me and I was probably just her meal ticket. I would assume she has another guy she was hiding me from...doesn't mean I am right but that is what I would think initially. That being said, OP did nothing wrong by not having his number stored. She may have had it memorized, or knew she had it in her text or call history, or knew she could message him on FB if she couldn't find it in her history...so that is really irrelevant. Where this guy sounds a bit like a butt hurt baby is now she is making the effort and proving herself and he is being standoffish and immature I think. He then told her he was slow getting around the next day and in essence flaked on their plans first and then told her to take her time. She did and then he refused to answer the phone or door with a lame excuse. If I told a girl to take her time because I overslept, if I didn't see her in a couple of hours I would call or text and ask what was up knowing I pushed her off first. Even if he was pissed, an adult answers the door or the phone and discusses it. He was being passive aggressive by ignoring her calls and ringing the bell. Telling her he is choosing to iron clothes and go to the gym instead of spending time with her seems like another passive aggressive gotcha on his part. All this because she didn't store his phone number in her phone? He sounds fairly insecure and childish to me. I just don't see that OP did anything so terrible. Edited January 3, 2017 by ChatroomHero 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 OP i broke up with my Ex because she never initiated (as one of the reasons). If he initiates 90%, try get that down to 60% at least. He might think that he's not a priority for you. Also when he saw that his phone number isn't saved in your phone, I would also be a bit put off by that, and in addition to the lack of contact I would think you aren't taking me seriously. When I get a girls number I put her into my phone right away.. Usually as something like "Stephanie Match" or "Lexi Tinder", etc. Of course when I know them better and learn their last name I change that So yeah... Hope this helps. 1
Author Swood86 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Posted January 8, 2017 So I didn't contact him for 5 days after he turned down my offer to do something on Monday. I then texted him over the weekend, on advice from my friends that I should try once more so he knew I was still interested, to see if he was free but he replied he was doing things with friends on Sunday and was going to the gym then to a dinner with friends on Saturday night. I asked if he wanted to get a drink before his dinner but he replied a couple of hours later saying he didn't have enough time and he slept late. So getting the hint I replied with ok no worries, have a great weekend. An hour or so later he texted you too I'll try and be more human this week. I wasn't sure what that meant but I didn't reply and was going to wait for him to contact me again. This morning I was swiping on tinder and his profile popped up (he had unmatched me in the first week I was seeing him) and I swiped right just because I wanted too and we matched. He then messaged me on tinder saying this is so strange that we matched again and asking if I unmatched him. He then said he was out with friends but was heading back to his place for a bbq if I wanted to join around 7:30. I said I would come over but now of course I'm overthinking again. Is this a good sign that he has invited me over or is he feeling sorry for me because I've tried several times now to see him?
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