ExtraSpice Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 My girlfriend believes in God, I do not. I was raised religious but over time became agnostic. Only my brother knows the true extent of my beliefs, family knows I don't actively practice but still thinks I believe. Relationship is pretty good except this one big thing. God. Girlfriend is not asking me to believe in it right now but is asking me to stay open to the idea. But she has made it verbally clear at times how whoever she ends up settling down with would need to believe in god. Which means that I can be open but if in the end I can't believe still then the relationship will end. Not entirely sure what to make of the situation. I can be open to the idea no problem, but I can't really make any promises because that would be a lie. Even if eventually I start believing in god, I can't believe/follow the religious practices again. I do want the relationship to work, seems like it has potential. But I am wondering if in the end it will come down to either me believing and relationship working or me not believing and relationship ending. 1
stillafool Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 It won't work out. Sooner or later you both will start to resent the others beliefs/non beliefs. Not to mention if you marry she will want her kids to have her religious beliefs and the two of you are unequally yoked. 1
basil67 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Tell her what you told us....and then tell her there will be no more discussion about your beliefs. And leave the decision in her lap. 2
Satu Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I agree with preraph. If this really is an absolute must for her, you're probably wasting your time. But if you can get her to stretch to, "I will respect your beliefs, if you respect mine," there might be a way forward. I doubt that she'll agree to that, though. Take care.
umirano Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 My brother seems to pretend he believes in god to please his wife. He's not exactly a happy man. I wonder what your girlfriend thinks how this will be going down. Suddenly you internally decide to believe in a magical being that supposedly is all powerful, all knowing and all loving, despite the fact that the existence of such a being flies in the face of everything we know about this world? Is she actually demanding you suspend your intellect and mental faculties to become part of a narrative that keeps so many people in the dark, intentionally? What is she offering in turn? Do you think it's a fair deal? I wouldn't try convert a partner away from theism (a belief in a god), but I'd be transparent about my agnostic atheism (the lack of a belief in a god), and I'd obviously share with her my concerns about her worldview. Most people are comfort believers. They believe because the idea of a god looking out for us personally is comfortable. They usually don't claim to have such a degree of certainty about god's existence that they'd demand others to believe as well. Those are agnostic theists. Your GF goes a step further though. She demands you eventually profess belief. Would she care that it might be insincere, an act, just to be in a relationship with her? People who demand (professed) belief from others believe they have knowledge that others don't. It's a rather unsettling way of believing. I doubt as an agnostic atheist you will be happy in the long run, as you will either have to talk yourself into a belief that contradicts your instincts, experience and knowledge. Or you will be performing an act for romantic/sexual gratification. Neither sounds like an enjoyable lifestyle. 5
kgcolonel Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 The biggest problem you're not addressing is if you have children, how will they be raised? Even if you say you'll respect their mother's beliefs and allow her to raise them to believe, they will see you not participating and that will not be a unified family....don't enter into a marriage unequally yoked.... 3
LargoLagg Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 If you surrender your principles, one day, atheist or not, you'll wish to God that you hadn't done that. This above all: to thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man Farewell, my blessing season this in thee! 3
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 This is not going to work and if you force it it will just make the both of you miserable. She'll want you to go to church with her, she'll want you to follow the tradition through the year in your religion, she'll want the children to be raised in a religious household etc. She was clear, she wants her husband to share her belief in God. Let her find that man. 3
Author ExtraSpice Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Well I have had a discussion with her before about this. And told her that I am open to believing in a god but I can't promise and I probably can't practice religion again. So in the end the decision is on her. Though that makes sense to me she perceived that as me putting blame for it on her. As though it is her fault. Which may be true. But how do I say that hey its your decision to make without seeming that I am just dumping it all on her.
dumbass2 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I'm sorry, but to me religion is a huge issue. If your girlfriend is very religious , is an important part of her life and has made it a point to let you know and you are on the complete opposite side, then I can't see it working. That's a life style, not something like a bad habit you might be able to tolerate in the long run. 1
umirano Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Well I have had a discussion with her before about this. And told her that I am open to believing in a god but I can't promise and I probably can't practice religion again. So in the end the decision is on her. Though that makes sense to me she perceived that as me putting blame for it on her. As though it is her fault. Which may be true. But how do I say that hey its your decision to make without seeming that I am just dumping it all on her. It looks like both positions have been stated already, and they're mutually exclusive. If either of you are serious about your positions one of you would have to pull the plug now. That's uncomfortable, and quite frankly a bit crazy when everything else is going well. That's exactly the reason why she's shying away from doing it yet, and the reason why you are here. I think you have to lay out to her why this is a conflict that cannot be overlooked. Tell her you don't want to break up because ... (list your reasons). But her ultimatum on your belief effectively makes all of this moot. It makes it impossible for you to be the type of person she wants a relationship with. Unless you're willing to become a practicing believer somehow, against your inner convictions? Like I said above, your GF doesn't strike me as the person who can have a sort of benevolent, neutral point of view, which is to say a person with which you can compromise on matters of world view. So I really don't have high hopes for this to work out.
No_Go Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I have just ended nearly 2 year RL for that reason: my ExBF NEVER got comfortable that I'm agnostic (although raised Christian) and he's a believer. He led me on for so long because he though I'll 'convert' (I was going with him diligently to church etc, but was open about my agnosticism). Long story short: ALL his religious friends pushed him to get a 'Christian wife' and our relationship ended. You can stay with your GF if and only if you convert. Or at least tell her so. Else she'd never be 100% with you:( My girlfriend believes in God, I do not. I was raised religious but over time became agnostic. Only my brother knows the true extent of my beliefs, family knows I don't actively practice but still thinks I believe. Relationship is pretty good except this one big thing. God. Girlfriend is not asking me to believe in it right now but is asking me to stay open to the idea. But she has made it verbally clear at times how whoever she ends up settling down with would need to believe in god. Which means that I can be open but if in the end I can't believe still then the relationship will end. Not entirely sure what to make of the situation. I can be open to the idea no problem, but I can't really make any promises because that would be a lie. Even if eventually I start believing in god, I can't believe/follow the religious practices again. I do want the relationship to work, seems like it has potential. But I am wondering if in the end it will come down to either me believing and relationship working or me not believing and relationship ending.
LoveFiend Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Well if you want to keep the girl what is the harm in going with the flow even if deep down inside you don't believe? A lot of people go to church and go with the flow just to "fit in" even though they don't believe. You can say to her "yeah I believe". Go with the flow, go to church, go through the motions even if you don't believe and think it is ridiculous. I did this once myself with an ex-wife of mine. I went along with all the nonesense for her just to please her. She beleived in being baptised again, I thought it was silly did it anyway. She went through her phases of denominations first she loved pentacostals, then it was baptists, and then she became a calvanist. I just kept saying yes dear your right and went along with every religion she liked joining. Whole time I thought it was so silly, but I just went with the flow because I wanted to keep the wife and having a great sex life.
Larryville Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Ok full confession… don’t tell anyone from now on I WILL LIE. I had met someone and she was exactly what I was looking for. In a very detailed phone conversation I mentioned that while I don’t believe in God I do look at the good in all religions. If I really cared about my partner I would support her faith unless she was some devil worshiper or something. I discovered a word that pretty much describes me and Omniest. She could never get past that and I regret like hell saying what I did and from now on, I’m gonna lie being honest! 1
bachdude Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 OP, let me tell you, the last thing you need is a religious war in your own house. 1
stillafool Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Well I have had a discussion with her before about this. And told her that I am open to believing in a god but I can't promise and I probably can't practice religion again. So in the end the decision is on her. Though that makes sense to me she perceived that as me putting blame for it on her. As though it is her fault. Which may be true. But how do I say that hey its your decision to make without seeming that I am just dumping it all on her. I don't think being "open" to believe in God is an option. It just doesn't work that way. Why is this only her decision? Yes you are somewhat putting the blame on her. What do you want? Stop dumping everything on her. 2
No_Go Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 She could never get past that and I regret like hell saying what I did and from now on, I’m gonna lie being honest! Ugh doesn't work n real life... With my ex, I did and tried everything to support him in his faith, like going to church and bible studies with him... But it broke me down! He wanted his whole life to revolve around this church community and for me this was too much, too much. I started resenting him and he'd tell me: why do you come with me when you hate it? In the point that I stopped going *all the time* with him, he was already one foot out of the relationship Ok full confession… don’t tell anyone from now on I WILL LIE. I had met someone and she was exactly what I was looking for. In a very detailed phone conversation I mentioned that while I don’t believe in God I do look at the good in all religions. If I really cared about my partner I would support her faith unless she was some devil worshiper or something. I discovered a word that pretty much describes me and Omniest. She could never get past that and I regret like hell saying what I did and from now on, I’m gonna lie being honest!
Larryville Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Ugh doesn't work n real life... With my ex, I did and tried everything to support him in his faith, like going to church and bible studies with him... But it broke me down! He wanted his whole life to revolve around this church community and for me this was too much, too much. I started resenting him and he'd tell me: why do you come with me when you hate it? In the point that I stopped going *all the time* with him, he was already one foot out of the relationship. NG well my second wife was “very Catholic” she wasn’t just someone who attended church she was a biblical scholar, on the board of her church, was a cantor. I went to church with her every Sunday, when we decided to get married I did the Catholic classes, had to annul first marriage (first wife understood, I returned the favor years later) I enjoyed being and participating in what she was passionate about. For me it was not about any religious connotations or anything, while I’m not particularly religious it frankly made me a better person overall. No I would not be with someone who is a seriously judgmental religious zealot or nut job. Maybe I’m a little frustrated because I was a little too candid on my views. Dating and finding “the one” is already so freaking hard I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut is all. But I understand what you are saying tho.. 1
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Well I have had a discussion with her before about this. And told her that I am open to believing in a god but I can't promise and I probably can't practice religion again. So in the end the decision is on her. Though that makes sense to me she perceived that as me putting blame for it on her. As though it is her fault. Which may be true. But how do I say that hey its your decision to make without seeming that I am just dumping it all on her. This is weak on your part. She told you she was looking for a man that believed in god. She laid out her needs. Instead of responding you could not offer her what she needed, you turned the table on her and told her: XYZ you decide. Nice way to turn the table. Put your big boy pants on and tell her you cannot offer her what she wants and of course she deserves a man that shares her faith, and wish her luck.
No_Go Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Maybe I’m a little frustrated because I was a little too candid on my views. Dating and finding “the one” is already so freaking hard I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut is all. Thanks for sharing, did you get divorced because you told her you are not a strong believer? My exBF sensed it, although I never explicitly told him where precisely I stand .... Heck I wasn't sure myself - at least initially I was genuinely interested learning about his religion but the fact that he could not associate with anyone out of church without a plethora of concerns or attempts to 'bring them back to God' really started grinding on me over time, around the one year mark or so... He was also secretly discussing our relationship with his church leaders and other stuff maybe 'normal' in Christian circles, but for me was just lain offensive...
Larryville Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Thanks for sharing, did you get divorced because you told her you are not a strong believer? Oh no not at all. The divorce was about other stuff, however when we dated I told her about my mindset on religion she was cool with it but we did a lot of talking and discussing on all sorts of societal/spiritual/life issues. We really got each other. 1
Author ExtraSpice Posted January 6, 2017 Author Posted January 6, 2017 This is weak on your part. She told you she was looking for a man that believed in god. She laid out her needs. Instead of responding you could not offer her what she needed, you turned the table on her and told her: XYZ you decide. Nice way to turn the table. Put your big boy pants on and tell her you cannot offer her what she wants and of course she deserves a man that shares her faith, and wish her luck. I basically did tell her I cannot give her what she wants though. I said I am open to believing in god but I cannot be religious again. The religion thing is not an issue to me, the difference in faith is not an issue to me. So yes I do think the decision is hers to make. Why should I say lets break up because of something that doesn't bother me? If it bothers her and she has the right to want some one religious then she should say okay we cannot continue because of this and I will respect that. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 This is a really fundamental difference. It's a biggie. I know it hurts but I don't think I'd invest more in this relationship. It will become a giant problem. Actually, it already is one.
fireflywy Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 This is a hard one. Ultimately I think you two will not be compatible in the long run. It could be that as time goes on, her family and close friends become concerned at your lack of observance and interfere too much with negativity. That's a potential headache YOU may have to weigh as well if she accepts, could be fluid mind you, your views. In this way, the decision of whether to advance or stop your relationship isn't hers alone. On a less serious note and with that said, if you have Hulu or Netflix I recommend you watch Season 1 episode 2 of "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" for a laugh. Similar theme.
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