Did I make the right decision ?

[Butterfly979]

I'm seeking advice because I am so lost. It's a long story but I hope you all can give me some insight . I have a son , age 2 . His father and I have had a really difficult time getting along from , well the beginning. I met him at work and was coming out of a relationship at the time. At the time lots of guys were after me but something was different about him so I started hanging out with him. After the first day of having out he was kind of cold towards me for a few days but then things were back to normal.

 

 

He was sweet in his own way but didn't put that much effort. I got pregnant about a couple of months after and he was really happy about that. Throughout pregnancy we had long fights over petty stuff where we wouldn't talk for days. We would be down right mean and then acted like I didn't matter and all he cared about was his son. Anytime I tried to talk about things he would think we are arguing so I would never get a chance to resolve issues. We tried to work things , basically I just didn't say anything. He moved in 2 months before son was born.

After he moved in , I saw a whole another side of him . He would be abusive , getting in my face and yelling over little things. I found him leaving comments on other girls social media , about how he thought they were hot. He made me feel ugly and unloved.

 

My son was born, based on everything going on and the fact that we weren't married I gave my son my last name. That upset him a lot. But the first year we basically did not get along at all . I was hormonal I felt unloved, I tried to talk to him he said he would change and it didn't .

 

Fights turned physical getting in my face pushing me put his hands around my neck , threatening me that he would take my son and so on . Cops were called a few times and when he would talk to them , he would twist the whole thing around and make me be the bad guy. I couldn't keep calm I was crying and hysterical . Things like this continued.

 

You know what he forgot my birthday every year for 3 years in a row. I always went all out of his birthday buying him expensive gifts. Spent the day with him but he would never be there for mine.

 

There were some good days , maybe once or twice a month. He would get me presents here there. Cook for me. Let me go out with my friends.

He would act totally different in front of other people. No one would ever believe that he is the way he is, to everyone else he is a stand up guy, very nice , smart , generous , everything . I just don't understand!

 

I mean he would do things like he playfully aggressive with me knowing it hurts me. Say things like he will kick my ass knowing I don't like that but says he is kidding. He sent messages to other girls talking about how hot they are but he never calls me beautiful. We would have sex and he would never try to please me just get his nut and get off .

I still tried to make things work, thinking if I change or if I am like this and don't say anything we can get along and we can be in love again. I love him at least I think I do. He is my sons father. He is a good financially for my son.

 

I do hold a lot of resentment towards him for everything that has happened.

Due to the arguing and fighting he moved out after my request 8 months ago . He said we are still together , but I have never been to his apartment. He comes to hang out with my son and me for 2-4 hours one day a week.

We had been talking over text more and more friendly, I thought things were changing

 

Then on my birthday , he made me cry again. We went to eat with my friends ( my friends set it up so that I wouldn't have a horrible 30th Birthday) he was being a jerk while there . He kept saying he was going to kick my ass when we got him , he said jokingly , I don't know how that's a joke?

 

When we came him I told him I don't like it and that he could have not said that in front of my friends. That started another arguement, from them we didn't talk unless it was about out son. Keep in mind , everyone at work still thinks we're still together . At work he would act like and tell people we're still together and live together and everything's normal.

 

Weeks went by we tried to talk again and I remained as calm as possible. He brought about the topic of my sons last name. Then he got in my face again screaming and put his hands around my face.

I remained calm. Saw my son looking at both of us and hitting his dad to get off of me. At that moment I knew I had to stop . I couldn't be with him anymore.

 

Since then we haven't talked much aside from anything about our son. He hasn't been very helpful . Only spent 2 days in a month and couple of hours so I could get groceries.

 

Then out of no where he got me flowers and. ring on Christmas . He told me he got me earrings and I opened the box and it was a cheap ring along with a bug crawling out from the box. I'm not sure if he put it in there idk.

He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc

 

I called him out on the fact that he had told me he had a ring in lay away but this ring is so cheap and there's a bug coming out of it and we haven't even been talking so how can he propose.

He got upset left.

I explained to him that I just wish we could be in love and communicate effectively about our issues. We couldn't even talk about that!

 

So December 31 he calls and asks if we can be best friends again and I just have not been in the mood . Things don't just snap back like that.

 

So we officially ended it. He hung up on me.

 

He blocked me from all social sites. I did call him and tell him I do love him and that I'm sorry for my actions in the past and I forgive him for his. And I wish him a happy new year and life. He just said ok you too and hung up.

 

I just feel so alone and lost . Part of me tells me I did the right thing . 3 years and we have not progressed. He wasn't affectionate. He would push me away. He was mean. We never did anything. He takes his mommy issues out on me!

 

I just feel sad now , what if this time things would have been different? What id this was my chance to be married and have a family? I could have just stayed quiet and let him have things his way?

I love him . I am not sure I made the right decision?? What if I never find love again?

[jellyfish666]

girl, read what you wrote yourself 10 times, loudly "3 years and we have not progressed. He wasn't affectionate. He would push me away. He was mean. We never did anything. He takes his mommy issues out on me! "

 

do you have any friends that are in good relationships? ask them if this is a statement they would go on a forum and write about their SO.

 

dear, you know you did the right thing, you are just not secure enough to believe it. TRUST ME.

[HorseLuck]

Is going back to him worth continuing to put yourself and your son at stake in an abusive enviornment? Is this something you want your son to witness growing up? How about asking yourself "what if" he snaps one day and goes even further than what he has done already (putting his hands on you,yelling). He's more trouble than he's worth. You don't deserve this type of treatment and can absolutely find a better man.

[lauri]

I get it. You feel like this relationship is the best you can get. This is a horrible, abusive relationship that you were in. Your son should not have to grow up in this toxic environment and have to deal with this. You are looking for some sort of confirmation that you did the right thing, find someone new and / or be okay with him. I'm going to make it clear, you 100% did the right thing and can get out of this. You know it. You're confused and that's fine...it's scary to be in this situation while you have a child involved.

 

Most important thing right now should be your sons well being. You need to do everything to shelter him from any further confrontations. But very importantly, as horrible as his father is, don't push him to "hate" him. Let him make his decision on his own...nothing is worse than two parents trying to make their children pick sides in a breakup. I've seen it with my close friends and it wasn't fair. Chances are you son will want nothing to do with his father and that's fine too, as long as he makes the choice himself.

 

Secondly, you need to not blame yourself for anything that happened. You're not at fault, you're better than this and you'll get through this. Although I don't know you personally, you have no idea how glad I am to see that you left him and he cut you out of his life. I'm glad that you also stood your ground and didn't give in. This shows me that you're stronger than you may even believe. You'll get through this...trust me!

[BlkVelvet]

You did the BEST POSSIBLE thing you could do. Im so proud of you! This guy does not live you and he will only get worse towards you and your child. PLEASE don't go back to him. Don't even chase after him for visits with your son. Let him come to you about that and be very careful because he is vindictive.

 

Please understand: This is not over. He has a controlling abusive personality and he will try to use your child as a weapon and a pawn. Start NOW to document EVERYTHING: times, dates, locations, his behavior, what was said, how you responded, etc. Call the cops EVERY TIME he puts his hands on you so you build a paper trail. Do NOT engage with him when he's being verbally abusive. File for custody of your child; child support is another animal and not as important right now as protecting your and your child's safety.

 

DO THESE THINGS OR YOU'LL BE SORRY. I had to learn the hard way.