mujeep Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Its been close to four months since my ex and I split after a 4 year relationship. I miss her very much, have been trying to get her back, but I've had no success at all. Since the break up, I've dated two different girls, both of which my friends and family have said are much better women than my ex. I want to believe that. I've tried VERY hard to "get that feeling" I had with my ex, but I just can't seem to do it. Doing activities with these new women that I once did with my ex doesn't get that feeling, and neither does sex, which I thought would speed up the process. My dad once told me the best way to get over a woman is to get under a new one. Well, that didn't work. I think could have sex with 20 women and I still think I would be depressed and longing for my ex. Will I ever be able to love another woman like I did my first love? Is it possible? Or will I just be settling for someone b/c I can't have her? To be totally honest with you and myself, I have been comparing the girls I've dated with my ex and have become very disappointed. I know its not fair to the girls, but I can't help it. It's almost like I want the girls I'm with to be exactly like my ex and react to me in the same fashion she once did. When I'm with them, I still think about her. How do I stop doing this and ruining future relationships?
ButtonPusher Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Simple solution, dont get into any relationships yet. Its only been 4 months! If you were together for 4 years, it will probably take a lot longer. Ive heard varying estimates for the how long it takes. Some say for every year you were together it will take 6 months to get over it, so in your case that would mean 2 years! Maybe not. Give it time and learn to be happy as a single person, 4 months is nothing.
Author mujeep Posted July 18, 2005 Author Posted July 18, 2005 Two years would be a long time, hopefully it won't be that long. My ex started seeing a guy ONE week after we split. I couldn't believe it...well maybe I can b/c I know she is terrified to be alone. She hasn't been single since she was 18, she's now 23. She took the very first thing that came along, although she doesn't look at it that way, but clearly thats what happened. I just want to be happy with who I'm with and not be wanting her in someone else. She tells me that this new guy is very similar to me and likes and is into all my interests. Question is why would she want someone like that when thats what she left...me!? Very strange. I know she seeks approval from her parents and her only two girlfriends, which is a major problem. I didn't stand a chance.
Zaira Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Build friendships, they don't HAVE to be relationships. You still need time to get over your relationship and the emotions it still stirs inside of you.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by mujeep Will I ever be able to love another woman like I did my first love? Is it possible? Of course it's possible .. You need to relearn how to love yourself before you can love someone else again.. This just takes time and inner reflection .. Chin up ..
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 I struggle with the same thing you're going through, and it's really not fair to the wonderful guy I'm now seeing. What does help me when I start thinking about him is to focus on his negative traits and all the ways he hurt me. I try to remind myself that he was a wolf in sheep's clothing -- no matter how many things I loved about him. Since I'm in my 30s, I've been through this a few times and can attest to the fact that it does take a bit longer than four months. Give yourself time....you're on your own schedule.
Delicaterose00 Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 I totally know what your going through. I was with someone for 2 years, and that ended over 2 months ago.. I recently found out he has a new GF and Im just sick over it every day. Cant eat cant sleep. I have seen 3 guys since then and like you I compare... they dont say or do the same things mike did... they dont call like mike did.. they dont act this way and dont act that way.... and about the sex... ya... thats hard... I think of him every single time and it frustrates me.... Dont you wish someone could wave a magic wond and our pain would go away?? Even though I am sick every day and cry everyday.... I know I will get over this.... and you will too, it just seems like it will never happen... I guess my only hope is to look at the qualities I wanted my ex to have and try to find them in the new people. I might never find anyone again who will call 5 times a day, talk our baby talk we used to do to be cute, tell me everyday that Im beautiful and how much they love me and miss me.... say " kisses night" before we went to bed..... all sorts of things he did and said...... but then I think to myself.... there is someone who will do new things that you will love just as much.... It hurts I know..... but your not alone and I know how you feel.... did you think she was the one?? I though Mike was until he cheated on me..... and even a little after still though he was, but he moved on and I have to learn how... I just want to fall in love with someone already or have that spark and connection again like i did with Mike the first night I met him.. cause then Id be over him in a new york minute..... .. so tell me what youthink??
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by Delicaterose00 I might never find anyone again who will call 5 times a day, talk our baby talk we used to do to be cute, tell me everyday that Im beautiful and how much they love me and miss me.... say " kisses night" before we went to bed..... all sorts of things he did and said...... but then I think to myself.... there is someone who will do new things that you will love just as much.... Yes, you will find someone who enjoys the same level of affection that you do! It's only been three months since my breakup, and already I found a wonderful guy who does all the good things I remember about my ex and MORE! My ex would call every day, but I had to wait a whole year to get a greeting card from him..... and when he finally gave me one for our anniversary, he dumped me three days later. He never gave me a card for Valentine's Day, and when I said I was hurt about it, he said I was over-reacting. Well guess what......this new guy has given me SEVEN cards and picks up cute souvenirs for me on his business trips, AND he calls every day. So keep your chin up girls....it will happen.
Author mujeep Posted July 20, 2005 Author Posted July 20, 2005 Delicaterose00 Yes, I did think she was the one. We dated all through college from freshman to senior year and I was ready to get engaged actually this fall, but now here I am. As mentioned before, I have dated and "been with" two women since her and I only get more depressed. And the craziest thing is I think about her when I'm having sex with another girl. It's freaking killing me! I'm putting on a mask when I'm with another girl and not acting myself at all, trying to act like everything is ok. I guess I'm expecting to be swept off my feet by another girl that will make me forget about my ex, but so far this hasn't happened. I've failed twice. I'm wondering if I will continue to fail each time or if I can stop this cycle. The new girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks is crazy about me and can't get enough of me. She too can look into my eyes and tell that something is wrong, she asks me all the time. I'm thinking of stopping the sex and slowing things down a bit until I get my mind straightened out. I'm really not enjoying myself at all. What do you think? If you would like to read my FULL story about what happened b/t my ex and I that will give you some insight about where I'm coming from click on this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65672/
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Geez, I wish a guy would be that nuts about me. (sigh)
ConfusedInOC Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken What does help me when I start thinking about him is to focus on his negative traits and all the ways he hurt me. I try to remind myself that he was a wolf in sheep's clothing -- no matter how many things I loved about him. Excellent way to look at it, I agree. We tend to put our Ex's on a pedestal when in reality we overlooked many of their faults. If you write down all your Ex's pros and cons you can see that they had many negative things about them you didn't like. Remind yourself of that and that you deserve better and you'll start opening yourself to the possibility of a new relationship. I got to say everything to my Ex that I wanted and it didn't make a difference. I know she is not coming back and God has dropped a wonderful woman on my lap (figure of speech, kids!) It'd be a crime for me to not give this new woman a fair chance. Who knows, I may end up loving her much more than my Ex and wondering what I ever saw in her.
ConfusedInOC Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Geez, I wish a guy would be that nuts about me. (sigh) I should send you a copy of the emails I sent my Ex. Had no effect on her even though they were straight from the heart and full of love, patience and understanding...some people just don't have a heart.
sanne Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 CIOC is spot on. When they leave we only remember the good times, not the heartache and misery they put us through. Not sure why the heart and mind disagree so much when it comes to love.
dario Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Before anything else we have to take care of ourselves.
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