dtc Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Hi, I looked online and a few threads here and it answered some but not everything as there are some differences. I'm just really looking for advice on the situations and peoples opinions. It started on October ( 2016) when I (25) met the girl (23) who is a friends friend on a night out. We talked and hooked up and she came back to mine. Th next day she had left early and I didn't think i would meet her again. A few days later in my study I find a note from her with her number. So we talked and agreed to meet up a few days later and it went well. That's when things moved faster. We started to talk a lot and see each other even more, it hit a point that we saw each other everyday for 4 weeks straight. Things we going great. we really liked each other. We both expressed that we liked each other and that things were going great, she then went away for 10 days overseas for a short holiday. I was going to ask her out when she got back. During the trip however she then tells me that part of the trip was to see a guy she met over summer when he was studying in our country. I was a little unsure but during the whole trip she was still talking with me and saying she liked me etc so i wasn't to worried. however the 2 days she spent with him she goes quiet and contact is minimum. I feel something is wrong and when I see her when she got back I could tell something was up. She tells me some feeling grew when she saw him and spent time with him. He then asked her to decide to she wanted to be with, I was curious to and I thought I had the advantage since I lived in the same country. a few days later she tells me she chose him. It was upsetting since I had strong feelings for her, During the talk about her choosing him she also mentions that I am a guy she would settle down with for a family and saw a future like that with me. I found this weird that she chose him but said that to me. She also mentioned he is very different and not someone she would normally try and date, but she wanted to try and see how it goes. Since then we still see each other but with restrictions. I'm not in the friendzone and I'm a little more than a friend as she still has a little bit of feelings for me from what I can tell. Its been nearly a month since they started dating and she has said there are times she isn't sure if they will work out, whether she can get what she wants from him, does he put enough effort in and even saying she thinks they wont last but at the same time telling me she likes him, things are good, he does things to reduce her uneasiness. She has't cut me out of her life, we still message everyday (however I do realise it doesn't mean much and we still call every few day/night to talk). She has mentioned that we need to reduce the time we spend together but she still accepts our meet ups. The BF is coming at the end of Jan and I'm sure it will go well because it always does when a distance relationship couple meet up do, but she has mentioned that she will see how it all goes. Sorry for how long this is. I'm just looking for opinions and advice. Do we think it will work out for them? Do I have a chance with her? Am I doing anything wrong / right? And just general opinions on the situation would be great. Thank you 1
Kempeitai Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 She chose another guy over you. Have some self respect and move on. 4
Ronnys93 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 First of all, I want to say that I am really sorry that this happened to you. I do want to let you know that it's definitely not your fault that she picked the other guy over you. Here's something that you said that I want to address. During the talk about her choosing him she also mentions that I am a guy she would settle down with for a family and saw a future like that with me. If she TRULY felt this way, she would not have chosen the other guy. It's just that plain and simple. In this sense, it means that she's picking something she knows is not going to last over something that she feels would last. Which is entirely not the case, I feel like she said this to you to cushion the blow of what she was actually doing. I see you both are still in contact, I really do think it'd be best for you to limit contact and start trying to date other people when you feel emotionally available again. If she comes back to you stronger than ever, RUN. She sounds like she's trying to keep you as an available option for later and that screams rebound. I wish you the best! 3
vampirebrat Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 She sounds like she's trying to keep you as an available option for later and that screams rebound. I wish you the best! So much this. ^ Don't be back-up plan guy. You deserve better. 4
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Good lord you are being a shelp, waiting for sloppy seconds. The others are right, you need to have some self worth and dump her. She is just using you as a filler when she is not with him...kinda of a friends without benefits....thumbs down brah. Doormats don't get the girl. She is a user.... 2
LargoLagg Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Good lord you are being a shelp, waiting for sloppy seconds. The others are right, you need to have some self worth and dump her. She is just using you as a filler when she is not with him...kinda of a friends without benefits....thumbs down brah. Doormats don't get the girl. She is a user....Wait, is this right? She stopped having sex with you too? Because you said that you're NOT in the friendzone. When she stops having sex with you, that is the most friendzoniest of moves. Can you please describe what it is that you're unsure about? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Eh? She already chose him. You are her friend and her Plan B. Like someone else said, you need a huge dose of self-respect and to let go of her. You are allowing yourself to be used for attention and emotional support while she is another guy's girlfriend. She sounds selfish and not someone who would make a good girlfriend, anyway. Kind of a jerk thing to do to both her long-distance guy and to you. 1
joseb Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Please have some self respect OP. The minute she told you she was going on that trip so see if she could rekindle an old flame was the time to dump her. If you did that, she may have seen you in a different light. Instead, you are now her ideal emotional tampon. Seriously, how can you sit there listening to her banging on about how great/bad her current lover is?? 2
Satu Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 snip Since then we still see each other but with restrictions. I'm not in the friendzone and *I'm a little more than a friend as she still has a little bit of feelings for me from what I can tell. *No you're not. You're a lot less than a friend. You're a rejected lover. The position you have taken with her lacks all dignity and self-respect. Take care. 3
Author dtc Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 Thanks everyone, its helped me clear up what i need to do. I'm going to to get back out there and not dwell on this. 4
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 She obviously likes you and feels she can share emotional things with you, but she has at the moment chosen him. I would not hang around waiting for her. Even if things don't work out with him, she chose him which suggests she is looking for something different in a relationship to what she had with you. I think it would be a big risk for you to enter into a relationship with this woman if her present one does not work out. 2
dumbass2 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 And please for the love of god stop talking with her and gain some self respect back. 2
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Thanks everyone, its helped me clear up what i need to do. I'm going to to get back out there and not dwell on this. You gave your heart to the wrong girl..............please find someone else. She doesn't deserve you. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 She sees you as the provider type with some stability but the other guy as more of a fun sex object. She wants to have her cake and eat it, and you are allowing her to do so. If I were you, I would be less worried about getting back out there, and more worried about self esteem. You need to find out why you would let anyone treat you in this way, why you would stick around and why you did not have the backbone to cease contact with her. If any girl even had the guts to suggest something, anything along the lines of me being her back up guy I'd vanish like a ghost and she'd be blocked on anything that could be accessed with a keyboard. I can't stress enough just how important self esteem is, it is the foundation of almost everything else in your life and will determine the direction of it. 1
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