Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Hello Thank you for taking out the time to read my story. I'm so depressed at this time because of the breakup. Long story short. I've been married for 15 years & unhappily married for the last 5. My husband & I have been separated on and off bc he refuses to live the life of a married man. He wants to do nothing w/myself & the kids while living his life like he's single. I stopped begging 5 years ago. I've asked for a divorce which he doesn't want. Therefore , I started living my own life & started secretly dating. I met a man. Had a 2 year relationship. I called it off bc I felt he wanted to go back with his child's mother. He got mad, found my husband on fb and told him everything. I admitted it & asked for another divorce which he said no. It's been 13 days since I spoke with him. I'm afraid if I call he might tell my husband & since we live together I don't want to cause any more trouble. My question is this. Why would my friend do that to me? He took my trust and threw it all away. Nonetheless, I still love him. I miss him dearly. What should I do? 1
mikeylo Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 What do you do ? Get into therapy asap Since when do you date while married ? While separated and divorce is filed , people date and it's fine but dating while married , lol. He is not your friend. He is your affair partner. Why don't you file for divorce. You don't need your husband's permission 5
BetrayedH Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 File for divorce and then date whomever you want. 7
Just a Guy Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 (edited) Hi Twhite, sorry but this is a mess if your own making. YourAP is not your friend. He has no feelings for you and he has already thrown you under the bus. Why are you depending on your husband for a divorce? Can you not file on your own? It seems you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Use your common sense, file for divorce and then date a man who is truly free and available. Warm wishes. Edited January 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 6
WilyWill Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 "He took my trust and threw it away..." Is "trust" really a valid concern for 3 cheaters (you, him, and your husband) ? Get a divorce and get into therapy so that you can have fulfilling, honest relationships for the rest of your life. 8
noelle303 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 As other's have said, you don't need your husband's permission to get a divorce. I suggest that you meet with an attorney and have them explain things to you; you file for divorce, ask for what you want in the petition, he will be served and required to respond. No one can make you stay married to someone you don't want to be married to. As for now wanting to cause trouble, I mean, you have a non-existant, paper-only marriage, your husband knows about the affair, what more trouble could you cause? 4
stillafool Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 You keep saying your husband won't give you a divorce and I say so what? File anyway. Don't you have any sayso about your life? You don't have to stay married just because he won't agree to a divorce. There's no excuse for an affair when you are not happy and can go your own way. 2
LexiCat29 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 The most likely reasons are: 1. He wanted to break you and your husband up so he could date you openly. Or 2. He wanted to be rid of you for good and this was the easiest way to do it. Or 3. Revenge for dumping him. 3
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I don't know where you live in the world, but why do you think you need your husbands permission to divorce? 5
aileD Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 So don't get the official divorce. Move out and do your own thing. Where do you live? Most places you don't need permission to get divorced. You did and do it. Even if you can't file right now you can sure as hell move out. Stop being depressed and start taking back your life . 1
ShatteredLady Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Hello Thank you for taking out the time to read my story. I'm so depressed at this time because of the breakup. Long story short. I've been married for 15 years & unhappily married for the last 5. My husband & I have been separated on and off bc he refuses to live the life of a married man. He wants to do nothing w/myself & the kids while living his life like he's single. I stopped begging 5 years ago. I've asked for a divorce which he doesn't want. Therefore , I started living my own life & started secretly dating. I met a man. Had a 2 year relationship. I called it off bc I felt he wanted to go back with his child's mother. He got mad, found my husband on fb and told him everything. I admitted it & asked for another divorce which he said no. It's been 13 days since I spoke with him. I'm afraid if I call he might tell my husband & since we live together I don't want to cause any more trouble. My question is this. Why would my friend do that to me? He took my trust and threw it all away. Nonetheless, I still love him. I miss him dearly. What should I do? We can offer far better advise if we have better details. I understand not wanting to give too much of yourself on a forum but this is anonymous. You could be my neighbor & I would never know!! So, YOU dumped your affair partner because you thought he might want to go back to his ex? Your H doesn't want a divorce so you're 'living your own life'. You can't call your "friend" because you don't want to cause trouble with your fake husband who you're only with because he said no to a divorce. Do you see what I mean? This isn't how real life is, or maybe it is & I'm from a very different culture! If your AP (affair partner) has been with his ex, cheating, then he was probably trying to save his relationship with her by confessing to your husband. Did you give him an ultimatum ('all or nothing' no more affair)? How old is his child? WHY after 2 YEARS do you NOW think he wants to go back? Are you frightened of being alone? Stuck in a bad marriage? Do you want to save your marriage if your affair is dead? Why dump your AP & now want him back because he told your H? As I said, we can help you but your OP isn't clear enough for us to really guess what's going on. I'm sorry. 2
spanz1 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 lexicat has some ideas there. i would go with "he is hurt that you broke up with him" and was lashing out. He may not have meant to do it, and may be sorry, but it does show an imature streak. 1
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you I can't afford to pay for a mortgage and Tent in an apartment that's the issue. I don't need permission but my husband won't move out despite me begging him. He's very controlling and this is a major issue. 1
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you for your advice and not judging . I think I'm in a domestic violence situation bc my husband is controlling and I have to come up with a safe exit. 3
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 The problem isn't therapy . I've in a marriage that I know longer want to be in bc my husbands lives his like as he desires. I've been asking for a divorce for sometime now which he won't give me. I know what I want but right now it's hard bc I can't leave. I can't afford to pay rent in an apartments and my mortgage. The AP hasn't cheated. He was talking about his relationship with his child's mother and I advised him to try to make it work bc they've been apart for four years and since there's been some space maybe it'll work. I told him that bc there's nothing long term I can do for him. My husband and I live separate. I think he's in love with the fact of just being married and not in love with the responsibilities of a marriage . Hope this explains it better . I need to find a witness protection place is the best advise I can give myself right now . Thanks 4
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you For taking out the time of your day to read my post. Also thank you for not judging me 1
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you I appreciate the advice 1
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 There's only one cheater. Thank you for your advice 1
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Perhaps you can find some support to leave your husband and your marriage at a women's counselling centre. There must be other options... Staying in a marriage with a man who does not love you and is controlling would be hell on earth. It would seem, in an attempt to find some affection and support, you turned to the wrong man. I don't know that anyone could blame you for seeing comfort and support, but engaging in a relationship with another man while still married is going to bring you nothing but trouble... Your married man did a terrible thing to you. For whatever reason, this is not the kind of loving and supportive man you want in your life. You would be best to find some assistance and leave both these men behind... Best wishes. 3
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you so much. I'm just in fear of my safety if I file while living at home. I can't afford rent on and apartment and my mortgage and this is why I feel stuck. I already have an attorney.. l have another appointment next week and he's going to provide some options hopefully one will be good 2
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Thank you so much. I'm just in fear of my safety if I file while living at home. I can't afford rent on and apartment and my mortgage and this is why I feel stuck. I already have an attorney.. l have another appointment next week and he's going to provide some options hopefully one will be good Good! Talk to the attorney and go to a women's shelter if needed. Stay with a family member or friend. File a restraining order if you are afraid of your husband. Do whatever you need to get out! 5
Mr Blunt Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 You gave up on the marriage 5 years ago but you do not have money to go out on your own?....You had 5 years to prepare and that includes having your own money; why do you not have enough money to pay rent? I hope your sad story helps someone else. I hope they realize that if you give up on your marriage and start screwing another man and do nothing in 5 years to prepare yourself for the consequences then they will be in the sad situation you have put yourself in. 4
Author Twhite2 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Thanks guys for your help and nonjudgmental replies. I will be seeking help next week from my attorney. All the replies made me realize my safety comes first. I will keep you guys posted 1
aileD Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 If your affair partner loves you so much why don't you just move in with him? Are you scared your H will physically retaliate? 1
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