And the breadcrumbs continue

[basil67]

But that is totally unfair. If she is expecting that I might push back (I admit that could be possible if I let my guard down), then why contact.

 

 

I was expecting a push back and I didn't want it, I would not contact.

 

Of course, it's important to remember that we don't all react the same way. Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean that she wouldn't do it.

 

If I remember rightly, you're Aussie and she's Thai. Are you sure she's not one of those many Thai "love you long time" girls who was using you for money or a ticket to Australia? Perhaps if you'd sent more money, she'd still be your G/F?

[marky00]

Of course, it's important to remember that we don't all react the same way. Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean that she wouldn't do it.

 

If I remember rightly, you're Aussie and she's Thai. Are you sure she's not one of those many Thai "love you long time" girls who was using you for money or a ticket to Australia? Perhaps if you'd sent more money, she'd still be your G/F?

 

Lets not even go there Basil. Would take me 100 pages of text to get close to explaining the complexities involved.

 

 

Although what you say does sum up it up in simple way, I do believe her issue has been and still is that she had a "soft spot" for me.

 

 

So although in some ways I was the so-called "walking ATM", that soft spot she had muddied the waters and caused confusion on both ends.

 

 

The thing I found most strange with her is whenever we would meet after several months, things would almost "reset" back to day Day 1 of the relationship. Almost like a recurring cycle of the honeymoon phase. To me that was very strange, Not sure if that is just how she runs her relationships or it was our dynamic. Sure we talked about marriage on the odd occasion and had money talks etc but I think that resetting back to honeymoon phase thing makes me feel like the relationship wasn't finished if that makes sense.

[marky00]

I would bet money that the reason she reaches out in this way is because it is all about her. Sorry, but that is what I believe, and the reason is that they are only very small texts. I think a reply from you would be worth more than what you just showed here.

 

I wouldn't want to tell you to reply, because I think that NC is just always the best route to go for healing, no matter how much you may want to break it. However, if I was put in a position to reply to what that person said, it would be something very short like, "Why are you contacting me?" and that would be all I would say. Then you would have your answer, good or bad, and you are not obligated to continue a conversation.

 

But I really would not suggest breaking NC. Not unless you were completely over this person, and by that time, if you were actually over this person, you probably wouldn't even care to talk to her at all. That is the best advice I can give you as someone who has been through similar situations.

 

Well yes, that is how I have felt for quite a while.

 

 

But these sporadic breadcrumbs have created a seed of doubt in my mind.

 

 

And like I said, what if in 2 or 3 years I finally decide I want to reach out and bury the hatchet. And then she ignores me because I ignored her. Just food for thought I guess.

 

 

As much as she treated me horribly and even ghosted me for 6 months, she rarely ignored my contact.

 

 

Your point on the short msg may be correct. However, she was always like that even when she was "in love". She not a big talker. She has always been brief and unloaded deeper feelings very rarely.

[marky00]

I would bet money that the reason she reaches out in this way is because it is all about her. Sorry, but that is what I believe, and the reason is that they are only very small texts. I think a reply from you would be worth more than what you just showed here.

 

I wouldn't want to tell you to reply, because I think that NC is just always the best route to go for healing, no matter how much you may want to break it. However, if I was put in a position to reply to what that person said, it would be something very short like, "Why are you contacting me?" and that would be all I would say. Then you would have your answer, good or bad, and you are not obligated to continue a conversation.

 

But I really would not suggest breaking NC. Not unless you were completely over this person, and by that time, if you were actually over this person, you probably wouldn't even care to talk to her at all. That is the best advice I can give you as someone who has been through similar situations.

 

 

Yes that will be my reply.

 

 

I hope that does not give her the pleasure you say it might. But then again, if she was to disappear again, that could also finally validate what a truly selfish person she is. It would finally snuff out any seed of doubt that she isn't a selfish narc.

[BC1980]

You say No Progress.

 

 

I wasn't waiting on a msg nor did I expect one. For me that is very big progress.

 

 

I'm also here taking advise given seriously. I will not respond until I know why I am responding.

 

 

We aren't all built the same and I do feel I am following the path that naturally feels right to me.

 

 

And you did say you were hurt for 2 years. This relationship was 10 years.

 

 

I am not in a holding pattern. I have met other girls etc. I have tried. I wasn't awaiting her message. Am I hurt about what happened in the past? ABSOLUTELY. I have a very big scar but I accept that it is a part of me, I can't not escape from it totally, just learn to deal with it.

 

 

And if I am allowing her to toy with my mind, why have I simply ignored her for 4 months? All not true.

 

I probably should have said no progress from the questions you were asking at the beginning of this thread. You're in a holding pattern over these same questions. I'm sure you have made overall progress, but you do seem unable to completely let go of her. At least you are not answering her texts. Eventually, she will stop texting if you don't answer.

[bluefeather]

Well do you what you want, marky00. Personally, I believe that you are putting yourself at risk of delaying your healing. But hopefully you get what you are looking for, whatever it may be. Good luck.

[Sweetfish]

Lets not even go there Basil. Would take me 100 pages of text to get close to explaining the complexities involved.

 

 

Although what you say does sum up it up in simple way, I do believe her issue has been and still is that she had a "soft spot" for me.

 

 

So although in some ways I was the so-called "walking ATM", that soft spot she had muddied the waters and caused confusion on both ends.

 

 

The thing I found most strange with her is whenever we would meet after several months, things would almost "reset" back to day Day 1 of the relationship. Almost like a recurring cycle of the honeymoon phase. To me that was very strange, Not sure if that is just how she runs her relationships or it was our dynamic. Sure we talked about marriage on the odd occasion and had money talks etc but I think that resetting back to honeymoon phase thing makes me feel like the relationship wasn't finished if that makes sense.

 

From this reaction and response this tells me alot.

 

I know your situation is complex and it is... but it boils down to the fact that she does have a soft for you, but she doesnt "Love You" it seems to be a culture difference which is the problem and maybe she like strong Thai or native men and that is where her heart truly lays, but maybe you captured her heart because originally you were a resource ticket and slowly fell for you and didnt have the heart to follow thru after meeting your parents.

 

Its complex.

 

But the native men can not provide the resources and cushy life you gave her and you simply cant hit the spot when it comes to the attraction she gets from her native men.

 

She is conflicted and when she loses a man she reverts back to you. Maybe she pushes the men away and they run for the hills, maybe they are using her.

 

Mark.. you simply are too nice to her and that is not enough to where she feels a connection.. she seems to be a handful (i assume) and she needs a man who puts her in her place. This just might be her style of attactment and an unhealthy one.

 

Your response will most like be a breadcrumb with a breadcrumb.

 

A response that says im still here, but im ready for you or need you, but miss you.

 

Your response could be... simply "yes?" And see what you get in return.

 

You could easily say "how many men are you going to go thru to realize, you left the best."

 

I mean... you need to nip this mark. How many years are you going to take these faint pings from here. You are that comet that passes thru the solar system every 25 years and maybe you need to decide on a new course.

 

But honestly in this situation you need to talk to her and find out whats wrong because the last msg left you in limbo and now this is the second one.

 

You need to nip this

[marky00]

Thanks Sweetfish.

 

 

I was going to respond with a simply "Please tell me why you are contacting me?"

 

 

However, I think your idea of just a "Yes?" sounds better.

 

 

Before she was asking me how my life was going so that response would not have worked. But this time around that "Yes?" response sounds pretty much on the mark.

[niji]

Mark,

I've followed your threads intermittently; don't think I've ever responded. But,

Whenever I'm tempted to do something like contacting an ex, I ask myself, What is my end goal? Is it to rekindle, is it to feel better about myself, is it because I don't care anymore that I just want to pass some time toying with them? (For the records I don't toy with people so I've never done that, but it's crossed my mind )

 

Then, after you've identified your end goal, think about the different answers she gives that can change your life:

 

- She ignores --> you go back to the healing process, but it's even more hurtful and delays your healing

- She provides some more breadcrumbs --> just like the first scenario, but probably even worse because you're now back to stage 1.

- She writes a long soulful letter explaining she wants to get back together --> are you prepared to go through this again?

 

I guess that's my question.

 

If she was sincere at getting back together, would you go through it again knowing very well you could be hurt by the same person, for the nth time, because you allowed it to happen? If you're willing to entertain rekindling, then I guess you should ask her honestly and directly, Why are you contacting me?

 

If not, then what's the point of answering her back? You should either be 100% in my life, or you should get out. Don't be half in.

 

And no Mark, I don't think you should settle for someone who has a "soft spot" for you. I have a soft spot for many things, like old brick phones. That doesn't mean I'll forego my smartphone anytime soon to go back. Simply that when I look back at the old Nokia, I feel a sense of nostalgia. Is that what you're looking for? Is that what you're willing to settle for?

[jamili]

Thanks Sweetfish.

 

 

I was going to respond with a simply "Please tell me why you are contacting me?"

 

 

However, I think your idea of just a "Yes?" sounds better.

 

 

Before she was asking me how my life was going so that response would not have worked. But this time around that "Yes?" response sounds pretty much on the mark.

 

Just do it man, you have been receiving crumbs for a LONG time now. I already got to this point with mine, where i asked her to come forward if there was some meaning behind the crumbs.. got no answer to that, so all mystery about the texts was dispelled. (Although i got another text from her last week). But... at least the ex knows not to contact unless they have something real to say. It does lift the weight off a bit.

[Bromeo]

Thanks Sweetfish.

 

 

I was going to respond with a simply "Please tell me why you are contacting me?"

 

 

However, I think your idea of just a "Yes?" sounds better.

 

 

Before she was asking me how my life was going so that response would not have worked. But this time around that "Yes?" response sounds pretty much on the mark.

 

Mark, just ask her what she wants. We can analyze every detail and scenario but what really matters is her intention.

 

Take some action, whatever happens you'll figure it out.

[Sweetfish]

Your response will most like be a breadcrumb with a breadcrumb.

 

A response that says im still here, but im ready for you or need you, but miss you.

 

Your response could be... simply "yes?" And see what you get in return.

 

You could easily say "how many men are you going to go thru to realize, you left the best."

 

I mean... you need to nip this mark. How many years are you going to take these faint pings from here. You are that comet that passes thru the solar system every 25 years and maybe you need to decide on a new course.

 

But honestly in this situation you need to talk to her and find out whats wrong because the last msg left you in limbo and now this is the second one.

 

You need to nip this

 

 

Wish i could edit this... but i ment not ready

[marky00]

Thanks all,

 

 

I will be sending the brief msg tonight.

 

 

However, it plays out. This thread can be of hope to some dumpees that if you keep your nerve and try to stay calm post breakup, the dynamic can change.

 

 

Its all about damage control. Going NC or w/e minimises further damage.

[marky00]

So about 10 minutes ago I responded with a "Yes?"

 

 

Literally 2 seconds later I got the answer I expected of "How have you been?"

 

 

A few minutes later I sent "You have contacted me a few times. What is it you want to say?"

 

 

Still no response. In fact the app says my msg hasn't even been read yet

 

 

It is work hours of course so possible she busy but kinda crazy/funny if she blocks me or w/e just to get the last laugh. I don't think that will happen but I am preparing for the worst

 

 

Its about 9:30 am her time. I decided to contact during work hours because I think that will allow the talk to be more brief and succinct and also give more time behind answers. Also, if someone is prepared to respond to a personal message whilst at work, kind of gives you more insight into their headspace.

 

 

Anyway, lets see how it goes but still nothing in response.

[marky00]

Ok msg has been read but no response. I know the protocol with an Ex is to just act indifferent and act happy etc.

 

 

Given our history but, I don't think I can do that. I think I can be strong but at the same time demand a "direct" method of communication given what transpired (being ghosted etc).

 

 

I think she will sit on my question for quite a while. Might not respond. It is what it is.

[Blanco]

Mark, I'm unclear how a 30-year-old guy gets involved in an intercontinental relationship that sounds like it had, at least at some point, transaction-like characteristics.

 

Is this really what you want out of the rest of your romantic life? A woman in another country who has left you a broken man more than once who would likely to do it again if given the chance? Do you not desire someone who can be more physically and emotionally close to you?

[bluefeather]

You have this wound. It was wrapped up in bandages. You just unraveled it.

 

That is what it looks like to me.

[marky00]

You have this wound. It was wrapped up in bandages. You just unraveled it.

 

That is what it looks like to me.

 

I don't think so. I haven't had a response and I think I will be ok if I don't. If she doesn't respond, all the more reason to continue NC and next time I absolutely will not break it.

 

 

My gut is saying she probably wont respond and that is ok. I just didn't want it to get to the situation where I kept ignoring and then she could have somehow turned that against me.

 

 

If she doesn't respond, this time she will surely know to never contact me again. And I don't have to worry about ignoring/blocking. Win/Win for me.

[bluefeather]

I haven't had a response and I think I will be ok if I don't. I just didn't want it to get to the situation where I kept ignoring and then she could have somehow turned that against me.

 

I can see what you are saying, but this looks like she still has power over you. Either way, what's done is done.

[Sweetfish]

I don't think so. I haven't had a response and I think I will be ok if I don't. If she doesn't respond, all the more reason to continue NC and next time I absolutely will not break it.

 

 

My gut is saying she probably wont respond and that is ok. I just didn't want it to get to the situation where I kept ignoring and then she could have somehow turned that against me.

 

 

If she doesn't respond, this time she will surely know to never contact me again. And I don't have to worry about ignoring/blocking. Win/Win for me.

 

 

I think your doing fine... we all heal at different rates and time. I can see in your post your personal progression.

 

Again this is a complex situation, specially with the culture difference. If she response please post here before you respond.

[jamili]

Im glad you wrote what you wrote. I think you were perfect. Maybe she is sitting on the message abd thinking, maybe she is blowing it off... but at least now you will know. Keep us updated man.

[marky00]

Im glad you wrote what you wrote. I think you were perfect. Maybe she is sitting on the message abd thinking, maybe she is blowing it off... but at least now you will know. Keep us updated man.

 

thanks mate , that means a lot

 

 

I'll keep you guys posted.