And the breadcrumbs continue

[whatdeww18]

The bit that's really blowing my mind is she is either in a relationship or pining over a recent breakup.

 

 

If I knew she was single and had been for some time, I would feel more comfortable messaging back.

 

 

If I was in a happy relationship or getting over a recent heartache, I definitely would not reach out to an Ex from the past that I dumped.

 

 

It just gets frustrating when my mind can't get close to understanding such behaviour.

 

Since I've been following your story a bit Marky00, just thought I'd maybe pick your brain and you can get your thoughts and frustrations out here?

 

Why are you trying to figure out your ex's behavior? How will understanding what she has been doing, affect the decision to communicate to her?

 

I mean you know all the advice on the board, and the logic behind it all. You've given plenty of good advice, as well. So, why, now, are you pondering how she has been thinking after some more breadcrumbs?

 

You know what you need to hear from her to respond. Do you think the breadcrumbs and her putting in a little more effort into these breadcrumbs are starting to mess with your head? Also, do you think because it's a LDR, that if you don't respond to these advances that she's been making, it may not get to the point of hearing what you need to hear?

 

Hope you're doing well through all of this!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Grathblagg]

You should most certainly text her back, that way, she can take some measure of gratification from knowing that she's messing with your head in a most effective manner.

[frigginlost]

I don't think I want tot call.

 

 

I kind of just had an epiphany moment and concluded I could just send a message saying the following :

 

 

"what is the reason for you messaging me?"

 

 

I'm not going to expose myself to a situation where I have nothing to gain from it. By sending the above message, the chances of some curiosity being put to bed may eventuate.

 

 

And if she responds along the line she was just worried about me (i.e. she is contacting out of pure selfishness), I would respond by "no need to worry about me, thankyou" and go back to full NC.

 

 

I just think a neutral message extends the period of confusion and what-ifs and doesn't achieve much.

 

 

If all the LS community was to say she is just contacting out of guilt, I would not respond but I suspect some of you will see some other angles to it, as have I.

 

That's too easy to get a "no real reason, just saying hi" response. It places too many forks in the road all in her favor.

 

If you need to reply be short: "Doing well, life is fine, thanks".

 

If she *then* continues to prompt you with more questions or starts talking about what is up with her, then lob the "why are you texting me" question.

 

My opinion...

[preraph]

If you don't want breadcrumbs, don't give her a way to leave a trail. Block her. Nothing you can do will get her back the way you want her back, so just make it easy on yourself.

[Redhead14]

The best way to deal with breadcrumbs is . . . not to eat them. They are usually stale and hardened and lead nowhere but to heartbreak . . .

[Blanco]

I think you need to ask yourself why you want to involve yourself with someone who you have to question whether or not they are "evil."

[marky00]

My gut feeling is you need to fully implement no contact for 6 months, and then see how you feel. By fully, I mean block and delete everything, so she cannot contact you, nor you her, and so you cannot browse her social media accounts. No contact is a psychological process, and I don't think people really start to go through it until they've blocked and deleted everything for, at least, 6 months.

 

there had been 6 months of total NC, no messages by either and no social media checking. Then the breadcrumbs started to arrive.

[Blanco]

there had been 6 months of total NC, no messages by either and no social media checking. Then the breadcrumbs started to arrive.

 

I will speak from personal experience: There was a world of difference for me in doing NC while not having her blocked versus having her blocked.

 

I never worried about being unable to resist contacting her, because despite everything else, that part had been relatively easy outside of the first couple of weeks. What did weigh heavily on me was knowing that she was always just a simple text away from further infiltrating my world.

 

Make no mistake: I still thought about her a lot after I finally blocked the number, but it was like a weight had been lifted from me. I knew I wouldn't hear from her via text or phone call, and so I was able to proceed on with life with, dare I say, a bit more confidence in my stride.

 

Some people might say blocking is extreme and it shows that the other person has way too much impact on you. But I think those are usually just excuses from people who are afraid that blocking will forever ruin their chances at reconciliation. For them, it's preferable to remain attached to an idea that might never be realized than it is to truly proceed on with life.

[chix]

Hope this doesn't come off as combative Mark, but how can it have been full no contact (I mentioned blocking and deleting) if you're both still able to contact each other?

[marky00]

If you don't want breadcrumbs, don't give her a way to leave a trail. Block her. Nothing you can do will get her back the way you want her back, so just make it easy on yourself.

 

I'm not even sure I want her back. As I said I am interested in someone else at the moment.

 

 

My main concern here I think is that it's probably easier me forging on with NC if I knew she wanted nothing to do with me. It looks like I will once again ignore this message.

 

 

Not really fun putting the last nail in the coffin when I wasn't the one wanting it to end up like this. Maybe that was her intention, to shift some guilt on to me, who knows.

 

 

There's also a small concern of what if in a year or two, I decide I want to contact to just make peace of the situation (unlikely but I can't predict how I feel then). Since I am ignoring her now, I guess that would make it reasonable for me to ignore any contact from me (should God forbid I ever feel the need to do so).

 

 

So I guess what I am saying here, is that although it might feel right to ignore these crumbs right now, just a little concerned that I am throwing myself into the deep end so I hope I am 100 per cent ready to stay afloat (forever).

 

 

It feels kind of weird/wrong me closing a door that I once preferred to be open.

Edited February 22, 2017 by marky00

[Blanco]

You're letting your past have way too much influence on right now and your possible future.

 

If I'm remembering correctly, this woman kicked you to the curb in a pretty callous fashion, so you owe her nothing. You don't need to hate her, but you do need to stop putting her feelings ahead of your own.

 

Right now, I feel sort of bad for this new woman in your life. You need to decide what it is you want before you carry on much further with her, because right now, I'm getting the vibe from you that if your ex said, "I want you back," you'd kick this new woman to the curb.

[marky00]

Hope this doesn't come off as combative Mark, but how can it have been full no contact (I mentioned blocking and deleting) if you're both still able to contact each other?

 

Your misunderstanding me.

 

 

For 6 months, although there was no blocking (at least not by me), there was zero contact. I did not text, email, call or social media stalk her. In fact for almost 2 months I was in Africa on a holiday so I was busy being happy.

 

 

In those 6 months, she did not text, email or call me. And she couldn't social media stalk me because I had closed off my accounts ages ago.

 

 

Yes I never blocked, just not my thing. I didn't want to escalate the tension anymore then it needed to be. And I can honestly say that at the time I was 100 per cent certain she wouldn't contact me anyway.

 

 

This period of time did definitely help my healing. I'm not anywhere near 100 per cent but after all the crap she pulled on me, 60% - 70% healed or whatever is pretty good as far as I am concerned.

 

It's really complicated to explain why I didn't want to or saw the need for blocking. But I have learnt to trust my gut and my gut said not to block (for my own good).

 

After these 6 months had passed (end of 2016) she sent a few crumbs. Then just yesterday (almost 2 months later), more crumbs.

Edited February 22, 2017 by marky00

[marky00]

I will speak from personal experience: There was a world of difference for me in doing NC while not having her blocked versus having her blocked.

 

I never worried about being unable to resist contacting her, because despite everything else, that part had been relatively easy outside of the first couple of weeks. What did weigh heavily on me was knowing that she was always just a simple text away from further infiltrating my world.

 

Make no mistake: I still thought about her a lot after I finally blocked the number, but it was like a weight had been lifted from me. I knew I wouldn't hear from her via text or phone call, and so I was able to proceed on with life with, dare I say, a bit more confidence in my stride.

 

Some people might say blocking is extreme and it shows that the other person has way too much impact on you. But I think those are usually just excuses from people who are afraid that blocking will forever ruin their chances at reconciliation. For them, it's preferable to remain attached to an idea that might never be realized than it is to truly proceed on with life.

 

 

Blanco, we all do things differently.

 

 

I am the guy who usually just goes rock bottom and have a pretty excessive pain threshold. It's just how I roll. Short-term and medium-term, my way may not be so great but I do feel that (for me at least) it kind of creates a complete healing.

 

 

I'm 2 years out from the original dumping and I would say at about the 12 months point or so, I was able to look at her social media (even photos of her with another guy) and it didn't break me, it maybe bothered me a little but I'd shake it off in a couple of hours.

 

 

This is why I sometimes take people to task here on LS who think they have fully moved on. When I ask them how they would be if their ex would knock on their door, they kind of change their tune.

 

 

As for me, since I allowed myself to feel all the pain (and almost look for it sometimes), I truly believe I could handle a confrontation with my ex just fine.

 

 

So yeah, we all have different methods which is why we on LS hear quite a few different post BU dynamics.

[MeadowFlower]

The bit that's really blowing my mind is she is either in a relationship or pining over a recent breakup.

 

 

If I knew she was single and had been for some time, I would feel more comfortable messaging back.

 

 

If I was in a happy relationship or getting over a recent heartache, I definitely would not reach out to an Ex from the past that I dumped.

 

 

It just gets frustrating when my mind can't get close to understanding such behaviour.

I know it's difficult, but don't try and understand her behaviour with these messages. Don't concern yourself with anything to do with her. Continue the healing and moving on, no looking back. Unless of course (which may never happen) you receive a more direct message regarding possible reconciliation. But don't even house for that, or think on it. Try and have internal NC (just coined a new thing here), where you are not thinking about her in any way, ever.

[marky00]

 

Right now, I feel sort of bad for this new woman in your life. You need to decide what it is you want before you carry on much further with her, because right now, I'm getting the vibe from you that if your ex said, "I want you back," you'd kick this new woman to the curb.

 

No,

 

 

I've known her for quite a while. We originally met about 6 months after the BU but we both knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and she wanted to be single for longer as well because she had exited a relationship as well.

 

 

It's been just casual chit chat but in the last 3 months or so, the feelings have grown.

 

 

It's hasn't started full throttle yet but we will be meeting on a holiday in about a month so if that goes well, it will probably go to the next level.

 

 

I really don't think I would drop her on a/c of my ex. I'm definitely interested in this new one.

[preraph]

Marky00, I am a person who did keep in touch with people, but there was one in particular that it would have made it so much easier to move on if he hadn't kept coming around and hadn't been in my circle of friends. Then another, everything reminded me of him, and that wasn't good and really caused me problems later (we ended up working together, which was hard) and then later after working together, it was a double whammy and I actually got PTSD and couldn't stop thinking about the "journey" and it was miserable.

 

Now, what I learned from getting past that PTSD reel that kept running in my head was that one way to crowd out the old stuff is by getting busy replacing it with new memories, which I was not healthy mentally enough to do at the time. The other was that I certainly didn't need extra reminders, such as someone telling me about them or them contacting me until I got past all that, which I finally did and so now I am able to be acquaintances. But that took more than a decade and it was a treacherous journey, and not really WORTH it. The part worth it is the part that I am at peace about it, not that I am still acquaintances, although we both do take some comfort in the little slice of commonality we share, parallel careers, old gossip, love of music.

 

Until you move on mentally, it's just easier not to allow any reminders.

[MeadowFlower]

Oops that was supposed to be hope for, not house for, lol. Jolly phone.

[marky00]

I know it's difficult, but don't try and understand her behaviour with these messages. Don't concern yourself with anything to do with her. Continue the healing and moving on, no looking back. Unless of course (which may never happen) you receive a more direct message regarding possible reconciliation. But don't even house for that, or think on it. Try and have internal NC (just coined a new thing here), where you are not thinking about her in any way, ever.

 

I agree. I have never given out crumbs so I can't really put myself in her shoes.

 

 

I would imagine it would be hard for her to be direct (if there was more to this) but I think if she has any brain cells, she can understand that's the only way I can come out of NC.

Edited February 22, 2017 by marky00

[dumbass2]

I didn't thoroughly read all you past threads, but is this the same woman that broke your heart in 2015 then her new boyfriend broke up with her and she came back to you in early 2016 and you gave it a second chance?

[Blanco]

I personally just think your history, long as it may be, is simply too messy to ever maintain a health friendship, let alone a healthy romantic one. I could easily foresee even a "friendly" association negatively impacting any future romantic relationships you may embark on.

 

I understand that it's tough to walk away from a long history, but just based on what I've read from your threads over the years, you wouldn't necessarily be walking away from a ton of good history.

[marky00]

I didn't thoroughly read all you past threads, but is this the same woman that broke your heart in 2015 then her new boyfriend broke up with her and she came back to you in early 2016 and you gave it a second chance?

 

Correct.

 

 

But to be honest, I wouldn't really call it a second chance. I knew deep down she wasn't over her issues (recent breakup) and I knew I was still not over the hurt she had caused.

 

 

But I was kind of sick of feeling sorry for myself so I figured we might as well go on a holiday. I think we both had our reasons for doing that holiday. Maybe we were looking for better closure, maybe we where still in the wean off each other stage. I held out some hope but I was very reserved let me tell you. I definitely did it with open eyes and prepared myself for the worst.

 

 

She ghosted me a few months after that which did of course sting, mainly because told her in advance to tell me directly should things change but she once again took the easy and gutless approach.

 

 

I assume she went back to her ex but I cant say for sure as I immediately went NC when she ignored one of my messages.

 

 

I figured she would be having the time of her life, why dredge up the negative past? It is what it is.

[Blanco]

So, what is it that YOU want? There's lots of talk about her possible motives and what it is what she wants, but I'm still not clear on what it is you desire from all of this.

[dumbass2]

Correct.

 

 

But to be honest, I wouldn't really call it a second chance. I knew deep down she wasn't over her issues (recent breakup) and I knew I was still not over the hurt she had caused.

 

 

But I was kind of sick of feeling sorry for myself so I figured we might as well go on a holiday. I think we both had our reasons for doing that holiday. Maybe we were looking for better closure, maybe we where still in the wean off each other stage. I held out some hope but I was very reserved let me tell you. I definitely did it with open eyes and prepared myself for the worst.

 

 

She ghosted me a few months after that which did of course sting, mainly because told her in advance to tell me directly should things change but she once again took the easy and gutless approach.

 

 

I assume she went back to her ex but I cant say for sure as I immediately went NC when she ignored one of my messages.

 

 

I figured she would be having the time of her life, why dredge up the negative past? It is what it is.

 

Just sounds unhealthy either way and it would be best for you to close this chapter with her and find someone without this past baggage that an ex carries with the them. I like to try and give dumpees hope (and not say just go NC and move on) when I see there is, but I don't in this case with what has happened in the past. You know what's best for you, but it sounds like you may have another woman so I would focus my efforts on her and if not her, then someone else will come along.

[SoThatHappened]

I think at this point, after reading more information, you should do one of three things and do it quickly:

 

1. Engage with her and possibly open yourself up to heartache, getting ghosted, getting sucked back in, etc.

 

2. Contact her and tell her not to contact you. Then block, delete, and move on.

 

3. Just block, delete, and move on.

 

I know how it is dealing with this stuff. But, I also realized after going through it, that I was just absolutely wasting my time letting it affect me.

 

I have a preference for #3, but we're all different. Either way, I think you should do something now so you can move forward.

[preraph]

He just needs to meet someone new that makes him forget about her.