Infusion Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 My problem with my girlfriend is mostly an anti-problem for the usual person, but more and more now I find my girlfriend being more and more clingy. At first it wasn't so bad, I enjoyed spending more time with her and seeing her more because we like each other's company alot. However, ever since a few weeks ago, she became ever more clingy - to the point where if I did not see her everyday she would become moody or upset at me, just because she expected to see me more. Sometimes it is difficult though, I have to make time to see her between "babysitting" my brother and going through my daily routine chores. Also, she had a serious talk with me a two weeks ago about wanting to be more serious with the relationship (with a future). We have been going out for almost two years now (on and off), and at the time of our conversation I was extremely happy. I understand that people may change over time, but i believe that most of us do not stray too far from our established personalities. I want to be with this girl and I think she is a wonderful person, but these issues are beginning to really make me ask myself whether or not being with her in the future is a reality or just another fairy tale. She understands that she is being too demanding of me sometimes (usually a few days after the situation), and would make sure that I am not upset at her. I think she is a wonderful person to make sure of my feelings. I try to be supportive most of the time and I do not get angry at her for it. To add to everything is her mood swings and emotional instability. Although secondary to the topic at hand, her relationship with her parents is poor at best, with alot of tension in her house and alot of silence shared between her father and her. When I put everything in the puzzle of her life together, it really is not so optimistic. She regularly sees a psychiatrist and is clinically depressed for probably many of the reasons I listed above. I do not know what to do or think of the situation, and on most days she would feel much better after seeing me, even if only for a few hours casually talking at her house. I feel that I have so much I can offer her to make her life better, yet the limitations of my life and the nature of the situation would probably make it impossible and unhealthy for me to be able to devote so much time for her. Please help me see the light again...
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 She regularly sees a psychiatrist and is clinically depressed for probably many of the reasons I listed above. Which is especially why she should not be allowed to turn your relationship into an obligational crutch. Do not let her use the relationship as a way to avoid working toward finding her own inner emotional strength. Right now, it sounds like she is relying on the relationship with you to provide her the happiness that she should be trying to provide to herself. You do not want to be put in the unfair position of being responsible for her happiness and well being - that is something she needs to be able to do, so that she can bring strength to the relationship: not drain strength from it. Right now, she needs you - but what she needs most is for you not to enable her needy and clingy behavior. She needs to be firmly guided, with your help and support on a path that will allow her to begin looking within herself for those things she is futilely looking for in other people. Is there any way you could go to a counseling session with her and try to get some of what you are feeling out into the open and get some guidance on what the best way to truly help her would be? That objective third party might help you get the things out that need to be said between you two, now - before its too late and you find yourself willing to trample her down in an effort to escape what is turning out to be an emotional black hole.
Author Infusion Posted July 18, 2005 Author Posted July 18, 2005 Knowing her, counselling seems like an impossible solution. What bothers me most now is the fact that the problem cannot be dissected down to some logically manageable level where I can proceed slowly and step by step. In a way, she needs me, but for her to find out who she is, she cannot have me there- I would only be hindering her from finding her inner happiness. I wish I could talk to someone close to her (her sister or her best friend) to gain some insight on the situation and shed some light on what I need to do, but I have not had such a good experience with them keeping secrets in the past. What fuels the problem even more is that she prefers me to not call her, because her parents do not like me and she does not want to stir up problems. With that, our conversations on the phone are limited to only when she decides to call me up, which is not healthy and gives the impression that I am there on standby 24 hours a day whenever she needs me -yet she see me whenever she wants to. There is so much that she needs to discover for herself. She recently got a summer job and I hope that might help the situation a little, though probably not for long. What is the best thing for me to do right now? I find that she is confused and does not know what direction she wishes to take in life. I should also note that she is on anti-depressants currently and it wil llikely be a rough ride...
almostthere Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 I dont know your age but please forgive me for assuming but it sounds to me you two are very young. I'm going to tell you a short story and hoefully you can take something away out of it that can help you. I met my exhusband when i was 15 yrs old. we dated all through high school and loved every minute together. We decided we wanted to move in right after high school and live happily ever after (yes i did say ex you know where this is going). I was 18 years old when i found out i had been given the best present i ever had. that was finding out i was pregnant. however i was still 18. by 19 he was born and 9 months later i was married. 2 years later we tried for my daughter, bought a beautiful home and had this family. heres the problem. imagine taking on the responsibilities of your parents right now. i know that by graduation from high school "feel" old enough for marriage kids bills so on and so forth. but before 25 or 26 years old you arent totally mature. i am not saying you arent responsibile and i know you dont want to hear this...and from a stranger no less. but as me and my ex aged we became distant from each other. we grew seperately but made us grow apart. we didnt have the hard life experiences to help us become the people we will be forever yet. and i found myself a single mom with a 1 yr old and a 4 yr old. living back at my moms. no college education bills piling up every where. going through a divorce, repo of my exs car, my house almost foreclosing and being vandilized. and to top it off getting laid off less then a year later. all of this and guess how old i was? 23. now my kids are 7 and 4. i am not married nor am i planning on it for awhile. i am working two jobs and studying in college to get my BA. im 26. i can tell you now looking back on it we were just really 2 kids having children of our own and wearing our parents clothing so to say. please take your time. get your lives figured out. if you guys love each other and want to get married thats great but seriously dont rush it. its hard out there. and i do apologize if you are older then i think you are i dont mean to sound like a parent. please im not that much older then you and if i could do it all again i would of waited. but i did get my kids out of the deal so i will never regret that. but if you can wait then i would wait. and just remember just because you dont live together and just because you arent married doesnt take anything away from the love that you have.
almostthere Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 I dont know your age but please forgive me for assuming but it sounds to me you two are very young. I'm going to tell you a short story and hoefully you can take something away out of it that can help you. I met my exhusband when i was 15 yrs old. we dated all through high school and loved every minute together. We decided we wanted to move in right after high school and live happily ever after (yes i did say ex you know where this is going). I was 18 years old when i found out i had been given the best present i ever had. that was finding out i was pregnant. however i was still 18. by 19 he was born and 9 months later i was married. 2 years later we tried for my daughter, bought a beautiful home and had this family. heres the problem. imagine taking on the responsibilities of your parents right now. i know that by graduation from high school "feel" old enough for marriage kids bills so on and so forth. but before 25 or 26 years old you arent totally mature. i am not saying you arent responsibile and i know you dont want to hear this...and from a stranger no less. but as me and my ex aged we became distant from each other. we grew seperately but made us grow apart. we didnt have the hard life experiences to help us become the people we will be forever yet. and i found myself a single mom with a 1 yr old and a 4 yr old. living back at my moms. no college education bills piling up every where. going through a divorce, repo of my exs car, my house almost foreclosing and being vandilized. and to top it off getting laid off less then a year later. all of this and guess how old i was? 23. now my kids are 7 and 4. i am not married nor am i planning on it for awhile. i am working two jobs and studying in college to get my BA. im 26. i can tell you now looking back on it we were just really 2 kids having children of our own and wearing our parents clothing so to say. please take your time. get your lives figured out. if you guys love each other and want to get married thats great but seriously dont rush it. its hard out there. and i do apologize if you are older then i think you are i dont mean to sound like a parent. please im not that much older then you and if i could do it all again i would of waited. but i did get my kids out of the deal so i will never regret that. but if you can wait then i would wait. and just remember just because you dont live together and just because you arent married doesnt take anything away from the love that you have.
Marshbear Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Which is especially why she should not be allowed to turn your relationship into an obligational crutch. Do not let her use the relationship as a way to avoid working toward finding her own inner emotional strength. Right now, it sounds like she is relying on the relationship with you to provide her the happiness that she should be trying to provide to herself. You do not want to be put in the unfair position of being responsible for her happiness and well being - that is something she needs to be able to do, so that she can bring strength to the relationship: not drain strength from it. Right now, she needs you - but what she needs most is for you not to enable her needy and clingy behavior. She needs to be firmly guided, with your help and support on a path that will allow her to begin looking within herself for those things she is futilely looking for in other people. I totally agree with LB. She is to Dependant on you and this is not a good thing for either of you. She needs to work through her issues before you both can even seriously consider a long term relationship. You need to make sure she gets the counseling she needs and be supportive but you also need to make sure to have your own like outside of her. It may take more time than you are willing to give for her to be free of her depression and emotional instability. I hope for your sake you weigh all the problems with the relationship and you just don't stay with her because you feel sorry or out of loyalty. Think of yourself also...
crazy_grl Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Infusion, are you dating me from a few years ago?? j/k But she sounds a lot like I used to be. LucreziaBorgia is right that you can't be her emotional crutch. She's never going to stop being depressed if she relies on you for her happiness. She has to get herself together on her own. You should be there for her and be supportive, but don't let her lean on you or let her cry and use her depression to manipulate you into giving in to her. (If she's does that, she probably doesn't fully realize that's what she's doing.) If she's pushing past your boundaries by being too clingy or asking too much of you, tell her that. Let you know that you love her, but that in a healthy relationship, you both have to have your own lives. Let her know that you're not going to make yourself as available to her as you did in the past, but make sure she understands that it's not because you don't love her. It's because you want to help her and you want your relationship to last. If she doesn't have many hobbies outside of spending time with you, you could help her decide on a new one like an art class or something that's a group activity. Maybe you could go with her the first time if she's not comfortable going by herself or get one of her friends to go along. If she's not a social person, talk to some of the people there and introduce her to them so that she has some friends to talk to while she's there. You both could start reading some self-help books together (Not literally together. Get 2 copies of the same book.) Make sure to pick a good book though, and pick one you'll get something out of too. You might think the idea of self-help books is pretty lame. I used to think they were absolutely ridiculous, because people should learn from experience, but now I've realized that you can learn from 1-1000 people's life experiences in a few hours where it would take you years to learn the same things on your own. Basically, help her find other things to do so that she's not relying completely on you. But if she's not willing to do those things, you can't force her to. You also can't continue to be her crutch.
Author Infusion Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 I saw her last night and she talked to me about something that bothered her. Ever since the weekend I tried to make myself less available to her, and to try to see her less. She told me that she was upset that I could not fit her in my life and see her as often as she like to, and her dissapointment went a long way too. The best thing to do now is to take the relationship at a more slower and realistic pace, but I feel that she wants to speed it up as fast as she can and wants things that are probably not the best right now. She wants me to move in with her on October because her parents will be away for half a year and they want her to try to get used to living life by herself - but with a roomate. I am 20 and she is 19, we met when she was 16 and I was 17, and have been dating for 2 years now. I told her I think moving in together now would drive us apart because we're not realistically at that stage of living together in our lives. Come september, I'll be doing my second year of university. For her though, it's a different story, and I wish I could help her. She went for one year of university after taking one year off after high school. To make the long story short, she did not know what she wanted to pursue and found out she was in the wrong program, after which point she lost all interest in university and is now on probation. During that one year of university she was 8 hours away from where we live, and suddenly the relationship turned into a long distance relationship...which is hard enough to manage as it is, but after her probation, she may / may not have to go back to her university 8 hours away. I guess you could say that there is a lot of uncertainty, especially with 2 years of relationship behind us and probably at least 5 more to look forward to, because I do not think we'll get married during our university years, yet 5 years later we may not be there with each other anymore. I asked her whether or not she thinks she looks for her happiness in me and relies on me to make her happy, and she said no. She told me that when she doesn't see me see doesn't feel happy or unhappy, but that when she does see me, she could feel either. Even more surprising is when she said that it seems like she has to see me everyday to be reminded that she loves me. We both agreed that it wasn't a good sign, but she tells me that she doesn't know why she feels that way. There is no doubt that she loves me alot, although she could get easily angered at me with the smallest things. I cannot understand how someone who loves me so much could have such a low tolerance level of me (she does not know why either..). I enjoy my relationship with her now better than in the past, but sometimes I have to tell myself that she is taking anti-depressants now - what does this mean for the future when she stops? The long and short of it is... we're two very young people who love each other, but each confused with themselves just as much as which direction their lives should take, and each uncertain and sometimes afraid of what the future has in store for us. (Isn't that the same for everyone? Why does it seem so difficult?)
Recommended Posts