anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I started seeing this girl casually in August and it started getting more serious a couple months ago and we are now officially dating. She's awesome. We get along great and have many things in common and I feel like I can always be myself around her. However, right now is the middle of holiday break for our college, and we don't live in the same state so we've been separated for three weeks (thankfully, there is just one week left). My last relationship, which ended more than a year ago, ended with four months of long distance and me finding out that she was cheating me with a guy at her college. With help from the kind readers here, I was able to get over her and had not that about her for months prior to this temporary distance with my new girlfriend. This distance has brought up many issues that I had not thought about or properly dealt with. I realize now that I still have trust issues. When my girlfriend randomly stops replying to texts for a few hours, I instantly think that she is with a different guy and not just taking a nap or with her family. Over the past week, including last night, I've snapped and made wild accusations that were without basis and she's calmly explained to me how she feels about me and that she would never do anything to hurt me. Each time I felt incredibly embarrassed. Today, I felt really depressed and ashamed. I always instantly think the worst and I come off as very insecure, which I know is unattractive. In the process of getting over my last relationship I gained a ton of self confidence and it's helped me with women greatly over the past year, but now I feel as if I lost it and doomed to push my girlfriend away because of my doubts. She's never done anything to hurt me but I continue to doubt her feelings for me because of my past experiences with women. I'm sure this is a common problem. How can I solve this and start building a healthy, trusting relationship?
kendahke Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 You are not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship if your former relationship's baggage is sitting up in the middle of this one. You haven't resolved your past relationship --that much is clear and now, you're assigning this new girlfriend the task, which isn't hers to begin with, to sort through your mess. My advice is that you need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend. You're not ready to be dating. Be fair to her and end it and get some resolution. It's not fair to her at all.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 (edited) Let me tell you a story my uncle told me. It was when I was involved with a woman we call M. M and I were traveling to her home city and I met her family. I think that trip itself went just fine. She flew and I drove because we were going to buy some items that are easier to obtain in M's home state than mine. Anyway I stopped over at my uncles house and told him about M. I showed him a photo of M and she had this wide eyed look. He took one look at it and said. "Lonley, Did I ever tell you I had a wife try to kill me?" Then he tells me about one of his ex wives who tried to hire someone to have him killed. They were married with children and she did that. His other wife needed to go into a mental hospital for reasons. Then he finished off by saying "Careful Lonley that family d**k drives 'em crazy!" My aunt who had been married to him for over 40 years just chuckled. You see there my uncle knew how to spot crazy. To this day he says he was just joking me ... but I think he sensed something. He learned a life lesson from his past relationships. BUT He learned how to choose a better mate for him and was able to get married and stay married and is still married. In short, it is healthy to learn from your past mistakes. Make the new woman earn and prove her trust as you have to prove yourself to her. Then always remember at any time a gf or even wife can change their mind (just as you can yours). Like pregnancy and STD's ... the only way to be 100% certain you will not get you heart broken is abstinence. The thing is that has it's price too. Edited January 1, 2017 by Mrlonelyone 1
bachdude Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 (edited) Your GF is being exceptionally understanding with you. You are blowing up and she is remaining calm. This may be a stretch... but judging by her reactions to your wild accusations, she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and is quite mature for her age. In other words, in the face of unfair accusations and paying the price for your past GF's infidelity, she nonetheless remains calm, doesn't take it personally, and even HELPS YOU alleviate your fears. People who cheat are impulsive and controlled by their emotions. From what you describe about your present girlfriend, she seems quite the opposite. She seems able to think clearly about situations and even think of you above herself. These tend to not be attributes of cheaters. When you feel the irrationality coming on, trying thinking of these personality traits of your present GF. And please stop accusing her of being a cheater. She doesn't deserve this. Edited January 1, 2017 by bachdude 2
Space Ritual Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Keep that paranoid act up and she'll end up feeling smothered and you will get dumped. You are on a Chrstmas break not a Peace Corps assignment. You do realize that you may not be ready for another relationship just yet, don't you? You may want to consider dialing this back a notch because you obviously are not feeling solid enough with yourself to not freak out over Christmas break. Some people take years to get over being victimized by infidelity. I am a prime example of it. But if you project your fears onto this relationship it won't last very much longer. Sounds like your Girlfriend is giving you a bit of a pass on this one. Don't look a gift Horse in the mouth, kid. 1
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 I tried to be succinct in my post so I'll add some details here: I acknowledge that I may not be ready for a girlfriend as I thought and I have mulled that over previously. Our relationship started out as a hookup, then friends, then friends with benefits. Not until we started officially dating have I ever felt anxious about her commitment to our relationship. And she isn't just sitting at home. She is at a huge concert festival doing drugs and listening to music with her friends from home, many of them guys. She's posting videos of her sitting on guys shoulders but doesn't have time to message me for even a few minutes. I understand it's her time to have fun but I rarely get to talk to her and when I ask how her day was she says pretty much nothing. She also still keeps in contact with her ex and is always messaging other guys which I find annoying. I too message other girls so I know that they can just be friends, but it doesn't ease my afflictions. I'm certainly not going to tell her to stop because it's her life, but it's a red flag to me. She also frequently lies to her friends and her parents in front of me, and she's quite convincing. How do I know she isn't just playing me? My intuition is telling something might not be right, but I also think that it may just be feelings I haven't gotten over.
Raena Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 The new details you've shared about who she is and what she's doing while home on break give some added insight. Personally, I'd trust my gut if I were you. It's not like she's just sitting at home hanging out with family doing holiday activities. She's out with other men, doing drugs, not talking to you regularly and not telling you everything about what's going on while she's home. I'd say you have a reason to be concerned about what's happening. The fact that you have witnessed her convincingly lie in front of you is concerning as well. There really isn't much you can do about it though. People who want to cheat, will cheat no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is trust her until she proves that she no longer deserves that trust.
GemmaUK Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 OP your posts seem to contradict each other. First off you need to figure out which post is more accurate. However, accusing her when you say she has done nothing to hurt you is smothering type behaviour which will only get worse if you don't sort it and that's something you can only do for yourself. Having been on the receiving end of that behaviour before (and I was just as rational and patient as she has been initially) is a huge turn off and incredibly stressful to live with. It certainly pushed me away, made me run as fast as I could after a while. 2
joseb Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Yeah your original post and the follow up are chalk and cheese. Which one is accurate? If the later, then you should have stayed fwb with her. Not relationship material, and you are probably not ready either anyway.
kendahke Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 (edited) I tried to be succinct in my post so I'll add some details here: I acknowledge that I may not be ready for a girlfriend as I thought and I have mulled that over previously. Our relationship started out as a hookup, then friends, then friends with benefits. Not until we started officially dating have I ever felt anxious about her commitment to our relationship. when that started happening, you needed to back up from this because you aren't ready for it. Being horny doesn't mean you're ready for the rigours of a relationship. My intuition is telling something might not be right, but I also think that it may just be feelings I haven't gotten over.Ok, so in the space of 6 posts, you're saying that she went from: She's awesome. We get along great and have many things in common and I feel like I can always be myself around her. to And she isn't just sitting at home. She is at a huge concert festival doing drugs and listening to music with her friends from home, many of them guys. She's posting videos of her sitting on guys shoulders but doesn't have time to message me for even a few minutes. I understand it's her time to have fun but I rarely get to talk to her and when I ask how her day was she says pretty much nothing. She also still keeps in contact with her ex and is always messaging other guys which I find annoying. I too message other girls so I know that they can just be friends, but it doesn't ease my afflictions. I'm certainly not going to tell her to stop because it's her life, but it's a red flag to me. She also frequently lies to her friends and her parents in front of me, and she's quite convincing. How do I know she isn't just playing me? ????????????? Your stories are completely inconsistent--kind of like her lies, in a way, you know? Which of these stories is the actual truth? If the above is the case, then end this relationship and find a therapist. Edited January 1, 2017 by kendahke 1
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 I tried to be succinct in my post so I'll add some details here: I acknowledge that I may not be ready for a girlfriend as I thought and I have mulled that over previously. Our relationship started out as a hookup, then friends, then friends with benefits. Not until we started officially dating have I ever felt anxious about her commitment to our relationship. And she isn't just sitting at home. She is at a huge concert festival doing drugs and listening to music with her friends from home, many of them guys. She's posting videos of her sitting on guys shoulders but doesn't have time to message me for even a few minutes. I understand it's her time to have fun but I rarely get to talk to her and when I ask how her day was she says pretty much nothing. She also still keeps in contact with her ex and is always messaging other guys which I find annoying. I too message other girls so I know that they can just be friends, but it doesn't ease my afflictions. I'm certainly not going to tell her to stop because it's her life, but it's a red flag to me. She also frequently lies to her friends and her parents in front of me, and she's quite convincing. How do I know she isn't just playing me? My intuition is telling something might not be right, but I also think that it may just be feelings I haven't gotten over. rjblak: In life you have to seek people that are good for you and to you. When you've been cheated on then you don't pick a new girlfriend that enjoys doing drugs with male friends and a girlfriend that remains in touch with exs. You need to seek a woman that has a strong sense of loyalty and a woman that does nothing to make you doubt her. In one of my past relationships I was cheated on. We were together 4 years and at the end I learn he had been cheating the whole time. When I started dating again you bet I didn't pick to date men that had questionable behavior. My dating life was not perfect and I ran into all types of problems but cheating was never one of those problems because I ran away from those types of men like they had the plague. 2
dollfacexo Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 It sucks to be cheated on number 1. But honestly if you were truly over her you would feel confident going into a new relationship without baggage of trust issues from the past. I don't trust anyone period lol for obvious reasons (we live in a very scary world) I make people earn it, HOWEVER just because one bad girl you can't assume all are the same unless she gives you a reason.
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 I understand my posts are conflicting so I'll try to be more clear. She had this festival planned well before I even met her back in August. I can't expect her to not go. Plenty of people go to parties and festivals and have a significant other that they are faithful to. I do! Partying and being able to commit yourself to someone else are not mutually exclusive ideas. But not being there makes my mind wander, which is the root of my post: How can I learn to trust her while I'm not there? I don't want to feel anxious when I'm not around her, and I certainly don't want to smother her by being around her all the time. She isn't inherently evil and I don't mean for her to come across that way. I also don't mean to make myself come across as a controlling, nagging boyfriend. We honestly get along great and she makes me incredibly happy. I guess it's just harder to put my feelings and my situation into words than I thought, so I'm sorry for the confusion.
LargoLagg Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Stop blaming your girlfriend for what your exes have done in the past. It's not her fault. And contrary to what others have said, just because she's having a great time and not texting you every two minutes to soothe your ego doesn't mean she's going to ride the baloney pony just because you're not there. Listen, the first three girlfriends I ever had all cheated on me. It happens. One was a wild girl, the next a goody-goody, the third just normal. The next four didn't, and they were all probably a little on the wild side. There is no predicting, except that it happens more often when you're young, and as you get older it's less of a problem, because everybody grows up a little. Why worry about it? If it happens, it happens. You think you're going to feel better if she just shows up one day and dumps you so that she CAN bang the next guy without having technically violated your trust? You won't. So get over it. It's not the end of the world. 1
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 rjblak: In life you have to seek people that are good for you and to you. When you've been cheated on then you don't pick a new girlfriend that enjoys doing drugs with male friends and a girlfriend that remains in touch with exs. You need to seek a woman that has a strong sense of loyalty and a woman that does nothing to make you doubt her. My ex was a very religious, antisocial, shy girl, who still had her virginity when we met. She never drank or partied or even had that many friends really. Of all the people in the world who I thought would cheat, she was the last. But she did. I feel like I can't just avoid women forever for fear they will cheat on me. Just because my girlfriend goes out and likes to party doesn't mean she's going to cheat on me. I don't cheat on her when I party. My main point is that I want to be able to be confident in that and sometimes I'm not. I don't need to be around her all the time to know that she is committed to me. However, I will say the thing with her ex is a red flag. I brought it up and she said that if it bothers me, she'll stop talking to him. I don't want to tell her how to live her life, though. I know many people can still be friends with their exes.
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 And contrary to what others have said, just because she's having a great time and not texting you every two minutes to soothe your ego doesn't mean she's going to ride the baloney pony just because you're not there. Exactly. I want the confidence in her to let her have a great time when she goes out. One was a wild girl, the next a goody-goody, the third just normal. The next four didn't, and they were all probably a little on the wild side. Again, exactly. Any girl can cheat. My "goody-goody" ex cheated. Just because this girl parties doesn't mean she will. It's just scary because it's a new thing for me.
joseb Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Plenty of people go to parties and festivals and have a significant other that they are faithful to. I do! Partying and being able to commit yourself to someone else are not mutually exclusive ideas. . So you don't feel an overwhelming urge to get touch feely with whoever is near you while you are under the influence of party drugs?
Woggle Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Realize that your current GF is an individual and should not be made to pay for what women in the past anymore than men should be made to pay for the actions of bad men. We don't like it when men are generalized and made to answer for men we never even met so don't do the same to a woman. Treat them how you would want to be treated. Also have a zero tolerance policy towards cheating. If you are ever cheated on again drop them in a second and don't come back. 1
LargoLagg Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Exactly. I want the confidence in her to let her have a great time when she goes out.You misunderstand. You cannot have confidence in her. That's your mistake. Rather, you have to acknowledge that anybody is capable of cheating, given the right circumstances. Your job is not to predict it. Your job is not to prevent it. Your job is just to not worry about it today. Your job is to give up control of the future, which you don't have anyway. 2
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 So you don't feel an overwhelming urge to get touch feely with whoever is near you while you are under the influence of party drugs? I have not so far while in this relationship. Drugs and alcohol aren't an excuse for cheating in my opinion. Some people can't control themselves. I can. Can/did she? I don't know, I wasn't there. Should I trust that she didn't?
Author anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 Your job is to give up control of the future, which you don't have anyway. That's an interesting way to put it. I hadn't thought of that before.
Recommended Posts