Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Hi all. I hope I don't sound insensitive to the girl I was talking to for over 3 months but just a guy a bit confused looking for advice. So started out pretty slow.I got her number we talked and texted constantly. During this time a member of her family was ill with cancer.. as soon as I knew that I gave her the space she needed said my hellos and good nights via text. Anyway after her passing it went quiet then it started up again. We talked about everything from sex to what color she likes and alot of our likes where in common. We met went out and I could feel the sexual tension (looking at my lips and eyes while I talked and biting her lips) though I didn't make a move just cause I didn't want to ruin anything incase she wasn't ready. (Stupid me I guess) This morning I get a text saying exactly this. "Aww that's sweet but I don't want you to get the wrong idea and I don't wanna lead you on. You seem like a really nice guy but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment and you seem to be becoming invested in this I just wanted to make sure we was on the same page x" This was after suggesting spending tonight new years Together After alittle time I responded saying that I can understand where she's coming from and that I'm in no rush (as I really do like her she blew me away haha ). I stupidly asked after that if she's just turning me down gently as I've heard that like before and she said I'm sorry if I just didn't like I would have said I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be getting with anyone because my heads a little messed up at the moment I just didn't want you to think we was heading to a serious relationship So she said it she doesn't want a relationship but she's not saying it's me? She sounded genuine but who knows. What do I do? Leave her alone let her sort her self out? Or continue to talk and act as friends at the risk of being stuck as one. I guess my feelings do count in the decision so I'll happily admit them as I thought she was great.great personality, laugh,smile interesting smart funny and beautiful I'm other words I could've seen my self spending my life with her. Anyway any and all advice would be appreciated J x 1
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Sorry but whatever turned her off, it's pretty much over. I know that if a woman is really into you, she won't toss you out and give excuses for doing it. It's the same old song and dance regardless of the her personal situation. Walk away and date other people. Being her buddy is the kiss of death. 3
Satu Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 snip *we talked and texted constantly. During this time a member of her family was ill with cancer.. as soon as I knew that I gave her the space she needed said my hellos and good nights via text. **"Aww that's sweet but I don't want you to get the wrong idea and I don't wanna lead you on. You seem like a really nice guy but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment and you seem to be becoming invested in this I just wanted to make sure we was on the same page x" *This often leads to one or both parties building up unrealistic expectations, just as you have. It feels like real intimacy, but it isn't. Its just throwaway stuff. ** She's told you exactly where you stand with her. Move on. Take care. 3
Author Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Just as I suspected which is very unfortunate thanks people I suppose I'll have to learn from the mistakes J 2
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 snip *This often leads to one or both parties building up unrealistic expectations, just as you have. It feels like real intimacy, but it isn't. Its just throwaway stuff. ** She's told you exactly where you stand with her. Move on. Take care. Whoooooa Satu, I have never seen you so.....so aggressive! (sends chills....lol) 2
kendahke Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 snip *This often leads to one or both parties building up unrealistic expectations, just as you have. It feels like real intimacy, but it isn't. Its just throwaway stuff. ** She's told you exactly where you stand with her. Move on. Take care. Right on target, so direct. Well said. 2
amazonrambo Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I'm not talking from experience, but if a parent or my sister passed away it would probably bring me closer to the girl I was seeing. Although I am about to see her for the 7th and 8th time next week, I could maybe understand if you guys had only been on 1 or 2 dates. 1
Author Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 So just out if the blue I get another text. "That doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with you in the future I just need time to figure my own feelings out" I'm prepared to walk away as suggested but what does one do with that... J 1
amazonrambo Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Just as I suspected which is very unfortunate thanks people I suppose I'll have to learn from the mistakes J The amount of times I've been through this and you think grasping on straws to "save something" helps, when it's best to find someone new. Believe me, when you meet the right girl, she will make it easy for you. The girl I am seeing now keeps bringing up "when will I see you again?". She's making it so easy for me, I've now realised how a girl who is interested acts like. Never will I waste time on people I thought were interested. 3
kendahke Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 So just out if the blue I get another text. "That doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with you in the future I just need time to figure my own feelings out" I'm prepared to walk away as suggested but what does one do with that... J That is called a "crumb trail". It's used to employ psychotic hope in the person who wants what the other refuses to give at the moment. Don't put your life on hold for something that may not happen in the future--because that future could be 20 years away. Are you prepared to wait 20 years for a possible "I said no in 2016"? 3
amazonrambo Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 So just out if the blue I get another text. "That doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with you in the future I just need time to figure my own feelings out" I'm prepared to walk away as suggested but what does one do with that... J I had this from a previous girl. She was content with being single for now but still liked me (I knew she was still hurt from a previous relationship). What I did was tag myself in locations on facebook doing stuff and I distanced my communication with her once every couple of days. That girl noticed it and suddenly wanted to get back in touch a week later to take it slow. My advice is to PULL AWAY and place your attention elsewhere. She will notice.. And say she doesn't, you'll find a much better girl anyway. 2
Author Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Good point.I'll stick with my gut in this one even though admittedly I'm in bed a bit down now haha. As much as I liked her I'm not being strung out. J 1
amazonrambo Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Good point.I'll stick with my gut in this one even though admittedly I'm in bed a bit down now haha. As much as I liked her I'm not being strung out. J Honestly I look back at the girl I dated a year ago and the one I dated a few months ago.. I just laugh at how invested I was, even after it didn't work out. Have you tried online dating? It helped me to get over someone and I wouldn't have met the girl I'm with now without it.
Author Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Honestly I look back at the girl I dated a year ago and the one I dated a few months ago.. I just laugh at how invested I was, even after it didn't work out. Have you tried online dating? It helped me to get over someone and I wouldn't have met the girl I'm with now without it. I haven't I've never really had issues meeting women. I've always had offers though. Of course I go for the emotionally unavailable one that throws a corkscrew I'm my life haha. May have to give it ago. Any recommendations?
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 She's emotionally attached to you, and of course what woman doesn't like a little attention from a "nice guy" to distract her from her troubles or woes? Obviously she needs her space, and you don't need to be some poor shelp waiting in the wings. She needs to understand that you DO want a relationship so it's only fair to leave you be to find one. 1
Author Williams18 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Well in that case in the future if I'm still single and she starts to be available would that be a good idea? Of course this might not happen I'm not gonna hold my breath on it.. J
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I haven't I've never really had issues meeting women. I've always had offers though. Of course I go for the emotionally unavailable one that throws a corkscrew I'm my life haha. May have to give it ago. Any recommendations? Put yourself out there with strong expectations......you will meet the same. 1
amazonrambo Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I haven't I've never really had issues meeting women. I've always had offers though. Of course I go for the emotionally unavailable one that throws a corkscrew I'm my life haha. May have to give it ago. Any recommendations? Had some slight luck with OKCupid but found it was more for ego boosting. I've had much more luck with Plenty of Fish. I tend to find I had better success with girls who contacted me first too, mostly because you know they've checked your profile and are keen to get to know you (and not looking for an ego boost). I used to keep active on the app and view profiles, but let the girls contact me.
Author Williams18 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 So back to this... seemed abit to quick so here again. Anyway I don't know how I turned it around but I got another date with her. And we joked about how I shouldn't mess it up again as she didn't generally liked me but I put her off.... Now I don't know what I did to put her off and then comes the whole " I'm not ready for a relationship" messages. So two contradicting messages and conversations so any expert advice here would be great. Should I bother I'd happily live and let live and get on with my life but I'm worried I'll get that what if I went feeling.... J
joseb Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 So back to this... seemed abit to quick so here again. Anyway I don't know how I turned it around but I got another date with her. And we joked about how I shouldn't mess it up again as she didn't generally liked me but I put her off.... Now I don't know what I did to put her off and then comes the whole " I'm not ready for a relationship" messages. So two contradicting messages and conversations so any expert advice here would be great. Should I bother I'd happily live and let live and get on with my life but I'm worried I'll get that what if I went feeling.... J Is she hinting that she is just looking for a role in the hay maybe? Given she has said she doesn't want a relationship, that's what I would assume, and just go for broke on the next date.
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 It depends really. If she was interested in you but still unsure about how she felt about you, then if you came across as really interested in her, quite serious and obviously looking for a relationship, she might panic. If she really wasn't attracted, she might also back off. We don't know what is motivating her. As she seems like she likes you, enough to have been chatting with you all this time, it could be she is not physically attracted. But, it could be that she is unsure of her feelings and can see you are becoming invested. That is pretty much what she said. If that is the case, I would advise backing off, keeping in touch sporadically, keeping it light-hearted and fun, but let her take more initiative. Keep busy with other things/people. If she is interested in you, she will feel freer to contact you as she would not feel she is encouraging you to get deeply involved with her. You need to tread lightly here. Decent women care about hurting a guy and if she is unsure but wants to get to know you, she might back off for fear of hurting you. 1
mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Sounds like she is preoccupied by this situation, and you backed off which was the right thing of you to do. And she's also not interested in pursuing things with you, now or ever. I think you should just move on. If she was interested she should have said she needs to be doing other things right now but she is interested still at some point later on. But she didn't. I would move on.
Author Williams18 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Posted January 2, 2017 At first I did think she wanted just abit of you know. She has told me she's not been with anyone for 2 years and doesn't do casual sex. Even her friends joke with me about how she needs the D as they put it.. so I don't think she's wants just that.. I think I will take her out. I'm going to suss out what the deal is here. Yes she was amazing for the first few months and I did see a difference after the death. But as quickly as I can get attached I can forget so no real loss... I think you might be right about something spiderowl as soon as she realised I was purising a serious relationship she backed off. I could understand why as such a traumatic event would shut me down! So maybe the best thing for me to do is keep it causal and fun as suggested despite looking for something serious though the danger so being stuck in a friend zone if that's a thing. If I head in to the situation knowing the deal then I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
Recommended Posts