I need to get some things off my chest...

[Lance-Elliott]

I'm a 34 y/o man, never married with no kids. My girlfriend of over a year is a divorcee with 4 children from a previous marriage that lasted 10 years or so. Since the moment I met her I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with her. We met online on a lame dating app that started out as just casual flirting and talking everyday, to now living together in the house I was already living in. We split the bills and I help take care of the kids from time to time on the days she works. I also work full time, but from home so it makes everything easier on all of us. I get along with the kids great and treat them like my own (or as I would if I had any of my own), and I really feel like I have stepped up to the plate for her and for our relationship to grow into something long lasting and great.

 

So now that most of the backstory is there, lets talk about why at 3:18 a.m I found this website and I am venting to complete strangers instead of the love of my life.

 

The relationship started off perfectly, just like most do, with all of the lovey dovey affection and over the top nice gestures (not buying things but doing things) to me feeling super unappreciated and sometimes wondering what the hell am I doing this for to just get dismissed like I'm only her to serve her. If I mention anything to her about me not feeling appreciated, she gets super defensive. It seems like instead of trying to come up with way to make the situation better she would rather start and argument about it and make me feel horrible for even saying anything. I am trying really hard to not say anything to start a fight but I have to tip toe around everything and say things just right to not set off that trigger for her to get angry with me and shut me out.

 

We just got back from a vacation to visit both of our families over the holidays ( we are both from the same area and now live out of state) and I surprised her with a night in Astoria Oregon on the way home. She was excited and I was too when I seen the look on her face. When we got there the first night we went out and had a nice dinner and a walk on the town and planned our next day adventures. When I woke up the next day I was super sick with the flu, but toughed it out and did almost everything on our list of things to do and see. Ended up I had the flu, severe sinus infection, 2 ear infections and a ruptured ear drum. Needless to say, I was pretty sick and she had to drive the rest of the way home (4 hours or so). We get home and I slept until the next day feeling like death. She goes to work and our house is thrashed, everything from our Christmas vacation, gifts that our families bought us and the kids, our one dog that stayed home destroyed the place and the 2 we took with us added to it the day I was trying to recover from my sickness. I cleaned, vacuumed, put things away and made sure when she got home from work the house was nice to come home to. I did all this before realizing I need to go to the Urgent Care to see why I had blood coming from my ear. She didn't even say one thing about the house. Not a thanks for picking up the mess the kids and dogs left. I didn't even get a "did you vacuum today?"

 

I'm probably being petty, and maybe a little too needy, but this kind of stuff happens all the time. I am constantly going above and beyond I feel in our relationship. I always compliment her, I have never ever said one negative comment to her about anything and I always always try and tell her how much she means to me every single day. I cant remember the last time she gave me a compliment. I have never been so into a person before and the fact the feeling doesn't seem mutual is killing me inside. I have never treated any past partner as good as I treat her and I don't feel I'm getting treated the same in return and its really starting to get me depressed.

 

How do I get this conversation started with her? How do we work on this? How else can I express what shes making me feel like without her shutting me out and making things worse? I know she has a hard time opening up, shes really bitter about her marriage and the relationship she had shortly after. Both guys constantly knocked her down mentally and didn't treat her how she deserved to be treated.

[Gaeta]

How do I get this conversation started with her? How do we work on this? How else can I express what shes making me feel like without her shutting me out and making things worse? I know she has a hard time opening up, shes really bitter about her marriage and the relationship she had shortly after. Both guys constantly knocked her down mentally and didn't treat her how she deserved to be treated.

 

Now you know what was her short coming in her marriage. She is slowly killing the love between her and her partner and she probably doesn't realize it. She is a person mostly turning inward and not outward like you.

 

You need to simply wait for a quiet evening with no distractions and say you want to talk about something important to you. Try not to accuse her but talk in terms of how you feel. I don't feel appreciated for all that I do, I am missing our connection, I need to be nurtured as well when I am sick or when I feel down.

 

I hope she opens her heart, if you don't feel she does I would suggest couple's therapy. I don't think she realizes how destructive her demeanor is and she needs to hear it from a stranger (therapist).

[joseb]

 

I'm probably being petty, and maybe a little too needy, but this kind of stuff happens all the time. I am constantly going above and beyond I feel in our relationship. I always compliment her, I have never ever said one negative comment to her about anything and I always always try and tell her how much she means to me every single day. I cant remember the last time she gave me a compliment. I have never been so into a person before and the fact the feeling doesn't seem mutual is killing me inside. I have never treated any past partner as good as I treat her and I don't feel I'm getting treated the same in return and its really starting to get me depressed.

 

I think you need to dial back the compliments for starters. That can come across as smothering. And when she does crap things (like not helping clean up when you are really sick) don't be afraid to tell her (nicely, but firmly).

 

Also, stop being a doormat and doing stuff like killing yourself cleaning up when you are at deaths door.

 

Why exactly are you so into her? To be honest, she does not sound very nice at all.

[basil67]

Your partner sounds horrible. Why do you call someone who treats you so badly the "love of your life"?

 

Lance, you are being a doormat and she's walking all over you. She's acting appallingly and you're letting her. You're actually rewarding her. Time to stop being so frightened of her and stand up to this nonsense.

 

If she doesn't like you standing up for yourself, show her the door. You hold all the cards here - don't be scared to use them.

[Satu]

Tell her that you're not taking any more of her obnoxious behaviour.

 

"Buck up, or get out."

 

There's no third option.

 

 

Take care.

[Kempeitai]

I'm a 34 y/o man, never married with no kids. My girlfriend of over a year is a divorcee with 4 children from a previous marriage that lasted 10 years or so. Since the moment I met her I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with her. We met online on a lame dating app that started out as just casual flirting and talking everyday, to now living together in the house I was already living in. We split the bills and I help take care of the kids from time to time on the days she works. I also work full time, but from home so it makes everything easier on all of us. I get along with the kids great and treat them like my own (or as I would if I had any of my own), and I really feel like I have stepped up to the plate for her and for our relationship to grow into something long lasting and great.

 

So now that most of the backstory is there, lets talk about why at 3:18 a.m I found this website and I am venting to complete strangers instead of the love of my life.

 

The relationship started off perfectly, just like most do, with all of the lovey dovey affection and over the top nice gestures (not buying things but doing things) to me feeling super unappreciated and sometimes wondering what the hell am I doing this for to just get dismissed like I'm only her to serve her. If I mention anything to her about me not feeling appreciated, she gets super defensive. It seems like instead of trying to come up with way to make the situation better she would rather start and argument about it and make me feel horrible for even saying anything. I am trying really hard to not say anything to start a fight but I have to tip toe around everything and say things just right to not set off that trigger for her to get angry with me and shut me out.

 

We just got back from a vacation to visit both of our families over the holidays ( we are both from the same area and now live out of state) and I surprised her with a night in Astoria Oregon on the way home. She was excited and I was too when I seen the look on her face. When we got there the first night we went out and had a nice dinner and a walk on the town and planned our next day adventures. When I woke up the next day I was super sick with the flu, but toughed it out and did almost everything on our list of things to do and see. Ended up I had the flu, severe sinus infection, 2 ear infections and a ruptured ear drum. Needless to say, I was pretty sick and she had to drive the rest of the way home (4 hours or so). We get home and I slept until the next day feeling like death. She goes to work and our house is thrashed, everything from our Christmas vacation, gifts that our families bought us and the kids, our one dog that stayed home destroyed the place and the 2 we took with us added to it the day I was trying to recover from my sickness. I cleaned, vacuumed, put things away and made sure when she got home from work the house was nice to come home to. I did all this before realizing I need to go to the Urgent Care to see why I had blood coming from my ear. She didn't even say one thing about the house. Not a thanks for picking up the mess the kids and dogs left. I didn't even get a "did you vacuum today?"

 

I'm probably being petty, and maybe a little too needy, but this kind of stuff happens all the time. I am constantly going above and beyond I feel in our relationship. I always compliment her, I have never ever said one negative comment to her about anything and I always always try and tell her how much she means to me every single day. I cant remember the last time she gave me a compliment. I have never been so into a person before and the fact the feeling doesn't seem mutual is killing me inside. I have never treated any past partner as good as I treat her and I don't feel I'm getting treated the same in return and its really starting to get me depressed.

 

How do I get this conversation started with her? How do we work on this? How else can I express what shes making me feel like without her shutting me out and making things worse? I know she has a hard time opening up, shes really bitter about her marriage and the relationship she had shortly after. Both guys constantly knocked her down mentally and didn't treat her how she deserved to be treated.

 

She is not GF material.

 

On top of her treating you like a 2nd rate citizen she is divorced with 4 kids.

 

Come on son.

 

Think.

 

Go find yourself a single lady never married no kids in the 24-28 range.