Ajax Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Well, after nearly two years together, talking about a future together and our mutual hopes and dreams, I proposed today. I took my girlfriend on a mini trip to see her favorite band and then took her for a hike on a trail which I knew she'd love. When we got to an especially scenic view, I told her how I felt, pulled out the ring, and asked her to marry me. She asked if she could think about it. I said that at this point you either know or you don't. And if you don't know, you really know. So I think for all intents and purposes this is the end. We clearly weren't on the same page after all. We're both in our mid thirties, and at this point if she's not in she's not going to be. It's pretty raw still and I know it takes time to recover, but New Years is going to suck.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Wow, sorry to hear this OP. You must be very hurt. Had you two discussed getting married prior to this?
Els Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Sorry to hear that, OP. On the one hand, "Could I please think about it?" might not necessarily equate to "no". It's entirely possible that she just doesn't make big decisions lightly and was taken by surprise. I mean, lets say you get a call out of a blue from [insert dream employer here] and they tell you they want to hire you... and you hadn't even applied for the job or thought about the scenario yet. Would you say "Yes!!" immediately, or would you ask them to give you a day or two to think about it? On the other hand, I'm speaking from the perspective of a younger age than yours - I agree that if you're both in your mid 30s, things might be different. When you both talked about the future, was marriage (and possibly kids) part of the conversation?
grays Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I think you should have been willing to talk it through with her. Your reaction seems very rigid and defensive, not the kind of behavior that makes for a good spouse. I am sorry you were hurt, tho. 1
Author Ajax Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Wow, sorry to hear this OP. You must be very hurt. Had you two discussed getting married prior to this? Yeah we've talked about it. Not with a time frame, which may be mistake on my part. But we talked about wanting a family and getting married. And after two years we're not getting any younger. I don't think that waiting four or six months to ask would have made a difference. If you're in your mid thirties and been with your partner two years, knowing that they want marriage and a family, it's either time to go ahead and do it or move on. I generally try not to see things as black or white, with more nuance. But I'm not seeing this that way. 9
Satu Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I think it's a good thing if she thinks about it. Too many people don't. Give her a little time. Take care. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Yeah we've talked about it. Not with a time frame, which may be mistake on my part. But we talked about wanting a family and getting married. And after two years we're not getting any younger. I don't think that waiting four or six months to ask would have made a difference. If you're in your mid thirties and been with your partner two years, knowing that they want marriage and a family, it's either time to go ahead and do it or move on. I generally try not to see things as black or white, with more nuance. But I'm not seeing this that way. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I assume you discussed wanting to marry each other? Rather than wanting marriage, as a general life goal? I agree with you that you're not getting younger and you've already been together 2 years. I'm also mid-30s so I understand what you mean. Perhaps you could talk to her about where her hesitation lies. It might be enlightening to know why she feels she needs some time to think.
enddeck Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Yeah we've talked about it. Not with a time frame, which may be mistake on my part. But we talked about wanting a family and getting married. And after two years we're not getting any younger. I don't think that waiting four or six months to ask would have made a difference. If you're in your mid thirties and been with your partner two years, knowing that they want marriage and a family, it's either time to go ahead and do it or move on. I generally try not to see things as black or white, with more nuance. But I'm not seeing this that way. Unless you asked her to get married immediately then I think you would be wise to accept this relationship is going nowhere.Most people have maybe an eighteen month engagement and if you want to start a family then the clock is ticking.In your shoes I would have been devastated and I think she is letting you down gently. 3
Survivor12 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Obviously, since you planned the day & came with a ring, your proposal was planned. At some point, you made a conscious decision that you were ready. No doubt you gave it a lot of thought. It wasn't a knee-jerk decision. You didn't ask her yesterday, last week or last month--even though you had "talked about" marriage, you hadn't discussed a time frame, but you decided that today would be the day. So why are you upset that she wants to think about her answer--just like you gave thought to asking? Perhaps she had a different expectation about the timing & was caught off guard...or maybe she wants to be sure about her decision. It is possible that she's simply not ready. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you. I understand that you are disappointed that your proposal didn't go as planned, but I encourage you to be patient. (In fact, patience & compromise are prerequisites for a good marriage Good luck! 1
BC1980 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I'm gonna agree that you should know if you want to get married after 2 years together. Especially given the ages. You are not in college or high school. Especially if she wants to start a family, then she would be thinking it's now or never. I do think it's worth asking her WHY just because I'd be curious. I am so sorry though. Have you talked to her since this happened? 4
The_Onceler Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Wow, that's rough. I am so sorry to hear that your proposal did not go how you imagined it would. I can certainly understand your reaction, considering how vulnerable we feel when we propose. And I agree with you, after two years... as a friend once put it, "Its time to sh*t or get off the pot!" While it *is* a big step, I'd see anything less than an ecstatic "Yes!" as a no. Again, sorry. If it is any consolation, the fact that I never proposed to my ex (despite our long history and despite having kids) may have been one of my best decisions EVER. 3
BlkVelvet Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Yeah, as a woman in my very early 40's, I don't see what there is to think about. You have been together two years, you have discussed marriage / family goals and have decided you both want that, and you love each other, right? I don't think most men go through the trouble of purchasing a ring, planning a proposal, and popping the question unless they are reasonably sure they are gonna get a resounding YES. That, to me, means she was giving you the signals you needed to believe she'd be with it. So what's her problem? You should at least ask her what the hesitation is so that you can be sure this can't be salvaged. Good luck, OP, and I'm so sorry this happened.
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I'm sorry. That really sucks. I think you're right that a woman knows or should know. In the future, if you can muster up the strength to do it again, I think a lot of guy sort of talk about it a little bit first with their GF to get an idea beforehand of what she might say. Again, I'm really sorry.
Hoosfoos Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 (edited) I think you should have been willing to talk it through with her. Your reaction seems very rigid and defensive, not the kind of behavior that makes for a good spouse. I am sorry you were hurt, tho. Couldn't disagree more. 2 years together, already spoke of future hopes and dreams, mid-thirties, at this point she should be wondering when he is going to propose. And he has an awesome day planned with her, and steps up to the plate, no less. At this point, it's either a yes or no question. My sympathies to the OP. Edited December 31, 2016 by Hoosfoos 4
Els Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 (edited) I don't think that waiting four or six months to ask would have made a difference. But she didn't say she needed four or six months to think about it, did she?? For all you know, she would just have needed a few minutes or hours... I really hope you are having a conversation with her and listening to her right now, instead of breaking things off preemptively. I mean, if she says she's not ready or gives you an actual 'no', then by all means leave. But at least have a proper talk about it first instead of throwing 2 years away by not even being willing to give your partner a few hours to think about what she wants to do with the rest of her life. As further explanation, I've observed a few cases where the woman privately admits that she was taken by surprise by the proposal and felt that she was obligated to say yes immediately, instead of taking time to think about it. None of those cases ended up well. I get that it's disappointing to receive an unromantic answer after all the planning and romance, but would you really rather she say yes just because it's what you expect? Edited December 31, 2016 by Elswyth 2
lolablue17 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 What exactly happened? You proposed and than refused to let her time to think about it, and then what? Did you immediately break up with her?
Been Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 After 2 years you either say yes or you say no. What is their to think about?Its been 2 years. I'm so sorry you went through this. Now if she changes her mind he is going to be left with why all the sudden now does she want to get married? It's one of those moments in life when you get only one shot to get it right and if you don't the moment passes.
bluefeather Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 sorry dude :/ I would feel the same as you. And if she has to think about it, well maybe that means she never thought about it before..? fwiw, that sounded like a sweet setup to the proposal, and I'm sure the right person for you would sincerely appreciate it. If it doesn't work out with this girl, well maybe now is the perfect time to start looking for the right one. cheers and hug
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 You are full grown adults. You have been dating for 2 years. You have discussed marriage/children/future etc. This is a slam dunk. You are on the money and 100% correct in your thinking. The only thing she would need time to think about it is how to let you down softly. ..... or how to add in a whole bunch of conditions and hoops and hurdles and fine print that she obviously knows you would not be ok with because otherwise she wouldn't need time to think of a way to tell you. Sorry man, this does have to sting. But it's better to know now than to spin your wheels any longer. 1
grays Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 I agree that needing to think about it is not ideal, but you all are talking like there could be no extenuating circumstances. We don't know anything about her personal make up or life circumstances. What if she just found out she has cancer and is afraid to tell him? There are probably lots of scenarios that we haven't thought about that could explain why she wants a little time. 2
preraph Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Aw, jeez, I'm sorry. That sucks. Please don't take it as being about you though. She's in her mid-30s and apparently not ready for marriage and maybe never will be, nothing to do with you or she'd have been gone long ago. So sorry. On the bright side, usually there will be some women waiting in the wings with some interest after a two-year relationship breaks up. So pay attention to who contacts you or comes up to you.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 OP you are just right. Mid 30's and latter after two years of serious dating, I assume having lived together for a bit too.. you should know. Don't do anything impetuous. If she has to think about this for more than a month at this point then you will have confirmed that the answer is really no. Remember this case? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runaway_bride_case Don't set yourself up for that. But she didn't say she needed four or six months to think about it, did she?? For all you know, she would just have needed a few minutes or hours... You said you are younger than your mid 30's. I am also mid 30's. By the mid 30's even if people haven't been married before we know what we want. We have finely tuned our checklist. When we find it things can happen FAST. Two years of dating over 35 is like four years of dating under 25. Under 25, I'm sure you would agree, if after 4-5 years of dating they don't know then they know they aren't going to marry? That's what 2-3 years of dating over 35 is.
Els Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Under 25, I'm sure you would agree, if after 4-5 years of dating they don't know then they know they aren't going to marry? That's what 2-3 years of dating over 35 is. Uh, no. Could be a cultural difference, but I know lots of people who got married after 5-10 (or even more) years of dating. To be fair, yes, they did get together in their teens or early 20s, not at the OP's age, but I'm mentioning this as a demonstration that not everyone behaves the way you think people should. If she has to think about this for more than a month at this point then you will have confirmed that the answer is really no. I agree with this, considering the OP's and her age. But it's only been a day for chrissakes. And when she said she needed time to think, the OP immediately wanted to break things off without even being willing to give her a few hours (based on my interpretation of his post, anyway). That would be further reason to give her pause - IMO his behaviour at that moment displayed lack of consideration. 1
oldshirt Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Let me put this way - from your very first memories as a little kid, until the last time you heard it recently, have you ever asked someone something and then had them come back with good news after they told you, "I'll think about it." Has anyone ever come back with completely fabulous news after telling you that. This is analogous to parent saying, "we'll see," whenever you asked them for something.
oldshirt Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Uh, no. Could be a cultural difference, but I know lots of people who got married after 5-10 (or even more) years of dating. To be fair, yes, they did get together in their teens or early 20s, not at the OP's age, but I'm mentioning this as a demonstration that not everyone behaves the way you think people should. I agree with this, considering the OP's and her age. But it's only been a day for chrissakes. And when she said she needed time to think, the OP immediately wanted to break things off without even being willing to give her a few hours (based on my interpretation of his post, anyway). That would be further reason to give her pause - IMO his behaviour at that moment displayed lack of consideration. I don't think anyone is telling him to kick her to the curb. She hasn't done anything wrong here. It's just that anytime someone tells you they'll think about, the final answer is never going to be what you want to hear. There's probably no need for any dumping here. Things will probably fizzle out on their own.
Recommended Posts