Feeling really weak atm

[vampirebrat]

So, me and my ex have a really messed up relationship. There's so much bitterness between us. Time and again I walk away from him only to find reasons to go back. It happens when I'm feeling down, which has been quite often recently.

 

When I do go back, we just end up either bickering or acting weirdly flirty. Well, a little while ago I told him enough was enough. But on Boxing Day I messaged him in a moment of weakness. It was just to say sorry for how I've treated him and to wish him all the best for the future.

 

But again, he drops some emotional bombshell. This time it's a cancer scare.

 

I know what he's doing. It's a power play. He doesn't want me, he just wants me to want him.

 

Well I don't want him, and I've told him that. But now things with the guy I like have cooled off. I'm riddled with self-doubt and anxiety. So like always, I end up using my ex to shore up my self-worth.

 

The situation is totally warped, and I know that. But I just can't seem to be able to break out of this cycle. I've tried blocking him. I spend time with friends and have hobbies. But my problem is I'm at home too much because I don't work atm. If I was out and about doing stuff all the time I wouldn't think about him.

 

I'm at a loss. Any suggestions?

[PLT]

So, me and my ex have a really messed up relationship. There's so much bitterness between us. Time and again I walk away from him only to find reasons to go back. It happens when I'm feeling down, which has been quite often recently.

 

When I do go back, we just end up either bickering or acting weirdly flirty. Well, a little while ago I told him enough was enough. But on Boxing Day I messaged him in a moment of weakness. It was just to say sorry for how I've treated him and to wish him all the best for the future.

 

But again, he drops some emotional bombshell. This time it's a cancer scare.

 

I know what he's doing. It's a power play. He doesn't want me, he just wants me to want him.

 

Well I don't want him, and I've told him that. But now things with the guy I like have cooled off. I'm riddled with self-doubt and anxiety. So like always, I end up using my ex to shore up my self-worth.

 

The situation is totally warped, and I know that. But I just can't seem to be able to break out of this cycle. I've tried blocking him. I spend time with friends and have hobbies. But my problem is I'm at home too much because I don't work atm. If I was out and about doing stuff all the time I wouldn't think about him.

 

I'm at a loss. Any suggestions?

 

It sounds a bit like my ex relationship. I wish she would say sorry for how she treated me. So number one, good on you for acknowledging your part in the breakdown.

 

I know the cancer scare must seem awfully convenient but these coincidences can happen. How would you feel if you blew him off about it and found out later that he wasn't pulling the guilt trip? But you know him so if your gut is telling you that is what he is doing, then perhaps he is. No real advice on this I'm afraid, just don't discount the possibility that it may be true.

 

Also like me, you are not working at the moment, so you have too much time on your hands. I started a degree through the OU 18 months ago now which takes 18-20 hours a week, part time. I have also started volunteering at a local charity, which has all kinds of knock on benefits. I only started doing this a few weeks ago and already feel better for it.

[DarrenB]

Any particular reason why you are currently unemployed? Have you actually even began job searching?

[Satu]

I think of situations like this as being 'undead relationships.'

 

You're not together, but you haven't finally cut the emotional chord.

 

There's no shame in it, but it shouldn't be allowed to go on for too long.

 

It shouldn't be allowed to go on for too long, because it blocks healing.

 

Reaching out to avoid the pain of the loss doesn't work.

 

I recommend that you get some counselling to work on your self-esteem issues.

 

There is a way forward, and I think that properly done NC and some counselling, will help you find it.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[vampirebrat]

It sounds a bit like my ex relationship. I wish she would say sorry for how she treated me. So number one, good on you for acknowledging your part in the breakdown.

.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It's tough isn't it? I fully acknowledge it. I was a stone cold bitch to him near the end.

 

It's hard not to, the guy is emotionally manipulative in a big way. Now he's talking about being kicked out and his family moving to Cheshire. Why would they do that if he might have cancer? It all seems a bit weird to me tbh.

 

A OU course sounds like a brilliant idea, as does the volunteering. I need some focus back in my life.

Edited December 31, 2016 by vampirebrat
added a bit

[vampirebrat]

Yeah, mental health issues. I'm currently receiving treatment for them. Hoping to start looking again when my CBT is over.

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[PLT]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's tough isn't it? I fully acknowledge it. I was a stone cold bitch to him near the end.

 

It's hard not to, the guy is emotionally manipulative in a big way. Now he's talking about being kicked out and his family moving to Cheshire. Why would they do that if he might have cancer? It all seems a bit weird to me tbh.

 

A OU course sounds like a brilliant idea, as does the volunteering. I need some focus back in my life.

 

Yeah definitely tough. The thing is, it sounds like you have empathy. You realise how your actions affected him. My ex doesn't have that empathy.

 

Oh I know all about emotional manipulation haha. She is an expert at it. Now my head is a little clearer 4 months or so post break up, I can really see quite how deeply manipulative and controlling she is.

 

OU is great. If you don't already have a degree and have an income under £25, you will get the full tuition loan. Ignore your inner gremlins telling you you cant do it just before or just after you sign up. It's common.

[vampirebrat]

I think of situations like this as being 'undead relationships.'

 

You're not together, but you haven't finally cut the emotional chord.

 

There's no shame in it, but it shouldn't be allowed to go on for too long.

 

That's a really good way to put it. Our relationship was crazy intense to the point it was nearly obsessive. I was still madly in love with him when I left, I just couldn't take his drug problems and his dad's abuse. I do still have feelings for him. But I know that it can never happen and I want to move on with my life.

 

You're right, there is no shame in it. I need to embrace those feelings and continue on.

 

I recommend that you get some counselling to work on your self-esteem issues.

 

I am I'm also taking up new hobbies and spending time with friends. I've also started a journal.

 

There is a way forward, and I think that properly done NC and some counselling, will help you find it.

 

Couldn't agree more. I've already made the first step and started CBT, and may look into counselling to supplement. As for the NC, I decided to bite the bullet and cut him off. I told him that was it, no 'maybe one day'. Just flat out, no contact ever again. I can't keep doing this to myself, or to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take care.