At what point in the dating, is exclusivity expected?

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I didn't know she was flirting. I thought she was concerned, like she was wondering where we stood. My bad.

Edited December 30, 2016 by ironpony

[smackie9]

She was trying warm things up or build up sexual tension.....she wanted to feel desired and special....go with the flow next time, and have fun flirting....geeezzzz.

[winny]

What are you so scared off??

She is not asking you to sign some legal papers that would make you her lifetime committed BF... ha ha

Why is it so important for you to reinforce it again and again that you are not "exclusive" and don't want anything "serious".

It was just a kiss...!! Chill.....

You come across as so insecure right now.... dont want anything serious... dont go on a date.... problem solved!!!

You cant have the cake and eat it too....!!!

If you are going to see her then there is always a chance - however clear you maybe to her -- that she falls for you. So if just the mention of a NYE's kiss is freaking you so much... you are better off not seeing any girl.

[kgcolonel]

Okay thanks. But she is asking if I am going to kiss another girl now. I wasn't necessarily planning on it, but then again, we are not exclusive, either. So what do I saw to her now, without being insensitive, but not making her think we are exclusive either?

 

Yes I know what being a gentlemen is but at the same time, she seems like she is being falsely lead on that we are exclusive and I have to remind her it seems. So how do I do that whilst still being a gentlemen?

 

Why not tell her the truth.....that you have no plans to kiss anyone. You're going out with friends as had been previously planned. Your really hope she has a great time and hope you can catch up with her after the New Year.

 

Seems pretty simple to me.

[ironpony]

Yeah I can do that. So just to be clear, what are the rules then if we are not exclusive, but you still want to be sensitive to the other person? Like for example, another girl asked me out and I said the same thing to her, not looking for anything serious, and she still wanted to hang out. So I said sure to coffee.

 

But is this okay or inappropriate, even if we are not exclusive or what are the rules, since she was asking if me I am going to kiss another girl or not?

[ironpony]

Like tonight she keeps sending me text asking me if I am with another girl, but she it feels like she is accusing me, the way she asks... And no, I was not, but still...

[Versacehottie]

Yeah I can do that. So just to be clear, what are the rules then if we are not exclusive, but you still want to be sensitive to the other person? Like for example, another girl asked me out and I said the same thing to her, not looking for anything serious, and she still wanted to hang out. So I said sure to coffee.

 

But is this okay or inappropriate, even if we are not exclusive or what are the rules, since she was asking if me I am going to kiss another girl or not?

 

i think the "rules" are what kind of person/guy/gentleman do you want to be? You are under no real obligation to do anything or not do anything toward her but I think it's just a character thing of what kind of person do you want to be. Golden rule is a pretty good one: treat others as you wish to be treated. I would interpret that in your set of circumstances is to not let things go on too long with her where you just keep her in limbo, especially if she is pushing for more. That's just a good thing to do. There will come a time where one of you is going to want something indicative of more serious (if you keep dating). I think answer honestly and treat her with respect and dignity along the way.

 

Um, the "other girl" scenario is so hypothetical at this point. But, playing along, let's say you meet one tomorrow who does appeal to you. There's probably going to be a gut feeling of wanting to go or not go. Let's say it's to go. I think if you did go in this current period of time & under current understanding, all other things as they are, you could go 3 times or so before your going to feel a tug one way or another (one girl or another). Maybe not a relationship-oriented tug but maybe a respect oriented one where you will feel more loyal or a need to be not mess up with one girl vs not caring equally as much about the other. Personally, you keep sounding like a guy who needs some time alone or some time to have some fun dating various people before you get into real situations like this. Maybe you have all these questions because you sense that she is very rapidly going to push fore more? Or are hypersensitive to it due to where YOU are personally (needing some alone time and a break from the responsibility)? You definitely sound like you don't want to be on the hook for anything and want to do the right thing kinda. At some point, as much as you might be trying to avoid it, you WILL be a crossroads where some factor or another will force a decision.

 

p.s. lots of girls will say they are fine with taking things slow or agree to casual for now but then proceed to try to escalate the relationship. That's just a classic. She may be really, really premature on this but the real point is that you will only be able to stall so long. you just might not be on the same page. For future reference, IMO, when a guy (or girl) directly says they don't want anything serious, that statement alone introduces the elements of insecurity and uncertainty that people are constantly trying to fix. She's kinda ignoring what she "should" do: not date a guy who doesn't want any strings attached. And you are kinda ignoring what you should do: not date anyone when you are not open emotionally. it gets messy and people get disappointed, annoyed, etc. You don't sound like you care too much about this girl at this point TBH. I think you realize deep down that you could in the future and bargaining with yourself (and her) to try to make that work. And trying to have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes you just need to do what is harder for you and maybe not as fun to do the "right" thing.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Basically she kind of act like she doesn't want anything serious as well, and although there will be escalation at some point, I didn't think it would happen after two dates.

 

But now she is sending me texts saying I am with another girl, when I am not, and things like that, and this doesn't sound like flirting but more like she is supicious...

[Versacehottie]

Okay thanks. Basically she kind of act like she doesn't want anything serious as well, and although there will be escalation at some point, I didn't think it would happen after two dates.

 

But now she is sending me texts saying I am with another girl, when I am not, and things like that, and this doesn't sound like flirting but more like she is supicious...

 

Well that is just crazy and clingy. After 2 dates? Do you think that's normal? I rarely ask this question but how old are you guys? You said you were in a relationship for 4 years, right? I wasn't thinking you are in high school because of that. I don't think this is that stable or good judgement of her regardless of her age, whatever insensitive thing you said or didn't say. Since you aren't in the best place to date yourself, maybe you should just walk away from this one. She could be a kookoo bird

[ironpony]

I'm 32, she is 24. How should I handle it do you think?

[Versacehottie]

I'm 32, she is 24. How should I handle it do you think?

 

Hmmm, quick pressure haha. Well first and most importantly, what do you want out of this with her? Short-term want? Do you want to keep dating her? Or do you want to break it off? Or are you not sure?

[ironpony]

Well I just wanted short term I guess since I told her that I didn't want anything serious back when she asked me to hang out and she said the same. So that is just what I wanted. But it now feels like she may want more, if she has is superstitious about me being with another woman tonight, and it bothers her.

 

So I guess I still am okay with short term if she is. Does short term imply exclusivity. I didn't think it did. But if she is okay with that, than I am. But I don't want more at this point. So do I need to establish what she wants again, if she is bothered at thought of me being with another woman, and her mind automatically goes there, cause I couldn't text her back for a while, cause I was busy?

 

I mean she is nice and I like her sense of humor as far as potential relationship material goes, I just told her that I wasn't into exclusivity right now. Down the road... maybe. But I cannot decide that now, since I am had a long term relationship that went real bad a while ago, and I just wanted to concentrate more on other things now.

Edited December 31, 2016 by ironpony

[elaine567]

YOU don't want serious, but despite what she said, she obviously does not want a casual relationship with you if she is worried sick that you are seeing other women.

Some people can multi-date, some people just cannot. I guess she cannot. She needs "exclusivity".

She made out with you and I guess she is now "claiming" you and trying to lock you down. She agreed with you about the non serious as I guess that is what you wanted and she didn't want to appear uncool or have you ditch her straight away.

If "exclusivity" is not what you want then you need to let her go, else I can see that this could get very messy.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. As long as we are sure that she is actually worried, and that she is trying to claim me. Cause it was said that I overreacted when I told her that it's okay to kiss another guy. So as long as we are reading this right, and it's not an overreaction.

 

I mean maybe even though she was asking me if I was with another girl... maybe she is just curious and maybe she is okay with it, and just wanted to know... just so long as we're reading her right.

[Versacehottie]

Well I just wanted short term I guess since I told her that I didn't want anything serious back when she asked me to hang out and she said the same. So that is just what I wanted. But it now feels like she may want more, if she has is superstitious about me being with another woman tonight, and it bothers her.

 

So I guess I still am okay with short term if she is. Does short term imply exclusivity. I didn't think it did. But if she is okay with that, than I am. But I don't want more at this point. So do I need to establish what she wants again, if she is bothered at thought of me being with another woman, and her mind automatically goes there, cause I couldn't text her back for a while, cause I was busy?

 

I guess I should have clarified better I meant what do you want IN the short term? Like, as in you don't have to decide the end point or "where is this going" stuff, even for yourself. It's implied that let's see how things unfold. Basically if we still like each other in 3 months, next month, next week, next date, we will keep doing this. That I don't ever feel like it needs to be spelled out. I think what you mean (and she might be picking up on) is that you just mean let's do this for now, for now only and it will absolutely come to an end. No one really likes to hear that...or feel that. It might happen, sure. But everyone wants to feel as if they are given a chance. That they are special enough that you would see it if you are exposed to it. You kinda took that away from her--that's part of why she is freaking out. And she sounds immature and a little unstable. You are so literal and she is so emotional.

 

I don't get why you don't find that it's completely annoying that she is harassing you about being out with another girl. Sounds like crazy hot? LOL.

 

Honestly, she is not using very good judgement. She is showing you she is unbalance and can't control herself. She is saying "fine with casual" but showing you she is not. Honestly, I think you should save yourself the headache. The thing is if you indulge this behavior, it only reinforces it. Guess what then? Anytime something causes here to be insecure or jealous, you are gonna get more of this. Ugh, exactly what you wanted to avoid. You are in some sort of obligated, fighting relationship without a title. I don't know if there is anything worse. It's huge headache.

 

Short term, the way you took it from my previous post, doesn't imply exclusivity. it may or may not. But it has an expiration date. You keep seeming like you come back to this theme. You are not obligated. But after two dates you are already dealing with pressure from her and self-imposed. I can't see how this would be fun for you. Especially since the underlying theme i keep seeing in your posts is that you just need a break emotionally and maybe want the freedom to just do what you want. This ALREADY isn't that. It doesn't sound like it will be. And unfortunately, (forget blame for now), seed of uncertainty in a bad way have already been planting. I think you should break it off. Just tell her the truth: tell her you are sorry that your comments upset her. At the same time, you are not looking to be in anything serious at the moment, which includes answering these sorts of questions. Tell her: for the record you are not with another girl tonight but that she is making you feel pressure and expectations that make it seem more serious than you want so you don't want to continue dating.

 

Props to the girl for a flip!!! In the course of a few hours, she has flipped from she is not sure she wants to date you anymore for your comment, to jealously flipping out and you are still interested and trying to figure out how to navigate. Crazy hot crazy. Ladies, take note.

 

Damn sorry for all the typos! It has been a rough day of those!

Edited December 31, 2016 by Versacehottie

[ironpony]

Np, for the typos, I was being quick and lazy myself, since I wanted some advice quickly lol.

 

Well I have enjoyed my time with her and she is cool, otherwise, just wasn't interested in any exclusivity obligations at the moment.

 

When she met me and I told her that, when she asked me to hang out, she said that she wasn't interested in anything serious either, but was just looking for a fling more so she said. So I thought maybe I was honest with her, I could tell her that if she wants to have a fling that is fine, cause I think she is fun, but not interested in exclusivity at all at this point. That way she knows the facts, and the cards are on the table, so to speak.

 

Would that be too insensitive or anything?

[Versacehottie]

Np, for the typos, I was being quick and lazy myself, since I wanted some advice quickly lol.

 

Well I have enjoyed my time with her and she is cool, otherwise, just wasn't interested in any exclusivity obligations at the moment.

 

When she met me and I told her that, when she asked me to hang out, she said that she wasn't interested in anything serious either, but was just looking for a fling more so she said. So I thought maybe I was honest with her, I could tell her that if she wants to have a fling that is fine, cause I think she is fun, but not interested in exclusivity at all at this point. That way she knows the facts, and the cards are on the table, so to speak.

 

Would that be too insensitive or anything?

 

I think that would be fine--all of it--including that she is cool etc. I would add: that you apologize for comments earlier today that seemed insensitive in retrospect. I would also add that you are speaking up to clarify this with her BECAUSE her line of questioning at the moment seems like the opposite of what a fling would be. Tell her why you are speaking up so it stops it from happening again (hopefully). Both of these show that you have respect for her, even though you don't want anything serious. And that you have self-respect and are doing your best and your part to get on the same page with her.

[Popsicle]

You definitely lacked finesse. When you're trying to slow someone down, yet keep them around at the same time, a lot of finesse is needed.

[Versacehottie]

You definitely lacked finesse. When you're trying to slow someone down, yet keep them around at the same time, a lot of finesse is needed.

 

I agree. And it's a near impossible task for almost anyone. I actually don't think this one will end well because both parties seem to have dual purposes. Best chances are to get on same page as soon as possible, which sounds like a FWB arrangement to be honest and idk those mostly don't seem to end well sooooo. But good luck to OP.

[ironpony]

You definitely lacked finesse. When you're trying to slow someone down, yet keep them around at the same time, a lot of finesse is needed.

 

Okay thanks, but what do you mean by this exactly?

[leogirl876]

Yeah this would turn me off big time. If I went out on a date with a guy who basically said go hook up with another guy, I'd think, well, he's not that into me or only wants me for sex and not a relationship, so I'm gonna find someone else.

[IfonlyIknew]

I just had to come back here, this story was on my mind today when I went to see my guy, we both have our kids tonight, we've both been invited to multiple parties, he is also working photography somewhere, I leaned into him and said "looks like we won't get that midnight kiss later" he says "we are still getting our midnight kiss, we will find a way". I thought no matter what, no matter how busy anyones schedule is, if you want to see someone you will, you weren't into this girl and if you were you surely didn't show it when given the chance.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I guess I am not big on the Midnight kiss tradition and I just didn't care about it that much.

 

How do I ask if she is sure she is okay with us not being exclusive since she seemed concerned about it though?

[joseb]

Okay thanks. I guess I am not big on the Midnight kiss tradition and I just didn't care about it that much.

 

I must have missed the memo on the midnight kiss thing too. I mean I've heard of it. But mostly just in bad romantic comedies.

[spiderowl]

You effectively told her you weren't very engaged in this relationship. Giving her permission to kiss other guys is a way of saying you don't care that much about her. It is also an indirect way of letting her know you would give yourself the same freedom. I'm sure she has got the picture that you do not see her as special to you.