At what point in the dating, is exclusivity expected?

[ironpony]

I was just wondering cause I went out on two dates with this woman so far, the first was just a simple meet for coffee, to see if we had any chemistry, and the second was drinks. We did make out after though and fooled around for a bit, but nothing intercourse wise or anything, if that makes a difference...

 

New years eve is coming up and she sends me a texted me saying she wanted me to be her new years kiss. I was going out with my friends and she was going out with hers, most likely to different places. I didn't really have a new years kiss in mind, and I usually don't do that on new years much.

 

So I told her I don't think I would be able to to make it to the same place she is going to... and she kind of went on about wanting it for a bit... I told her that since we are not exclusive or anything yet, she can totally feel free to kiss another guy, she is totally free too.

 

But she got turned off, and now is questioning seeing me again, I think. Was it bad or insensitive what I said? It's not like I told her to do so in a rude way, I was politely inviting her to not feel obligated or anything. What do you think? Now I did tell her that before dating her, that a couple of months ago, I got out of a four year relationship, and I was not looking for anything serious. I told her that I didn't want a sexual fling either or anything like that, I just wanted to take it slow and hang out for now. So because of this, at what point is exclusivity expected in the dating process? After making out maybe?

[Sara1989]

Yep you messed up big time, saying you wouldn't be able meet up is fine but then saying she can kiss another guy?? yeah, not good.

[alphamale]

So because of this, at what point is exclusivity expected in the dating process?

 

after around 3 to 6 months

[alphamale]

Yep you messed up big time, saying you wouldn't be able meet up is fine but then saying she can kiss another guy?? yeah, not good.

 

i beg to differ. he was honest

[IfonlyIknew]

That comment would make me feel like you weren't as interested as I thought, and that you actually feel free to kiss another girl yourself.. all these things would be going off in my head so yes I think that was insensitive.

[Space Ritual]

So I told her I don't think I would be able to to make it to the same place she is going to... and she kind of went on about wanting it for a bit... I told her that since we are not exclusive or anything yet, she can totally feel free to kiss another guy, she is totally free too.

 

But she got turned off, and now is questioning seeing me again, I think. Was it bad or insensitive what I said?

 

LOL!!!!

 

No not at all.......she makes out with you early in the process...but go ahead and kiss whoever you want to on NYE because I can't possibly be around.

 

Nothing says "uninterested" like that

 

I hope you don't work in the Diplomatic Corps.

 

"Go ahead Luxembourg, invade Lichtenstein at your leisure, because I'll be busy sleeping..." LOL!!!

 

If your plate is full kindly give me her phone number. I'll be more than happy to take up your slack on NYE.

[Space Ritual]

That comment would make me feel like you weren't as interested as I thought, and that you actually feel free to kiss another girl yourself.. all these things would be going off in my head so yes I think that was insensitive.

 

 

An episode of Seinfeld came to mind when George was arguing with his new soon to be ex GF.

 

George: "But I have HAND!"

 

GF: "And you're gonna need it".

 

LMFAO!

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. It's not like I was out looking to jump into another relationship so soon though. She met me, got my number, and then asked out and I told her that I was not looking for anything serious and that I just wanted to take things slow, if we were going to hang out. So I thought maybe I made it clear that I wasn't looking for exclusivity so soon.

 

So what should I do now then? I mean am I in an exclusive relationship now, or what?

[RecentChange]

Yeah..... It's not that you were expected to be exclusive on the second date.

 

But saying, eh, go make out with some other dude makes you appear completely uninterested. And perhaps you are.

 

I know I have met guys that I would feel that way about - go kiss someone else, I am busy. Because I was like warm about them.

 

But someone I was really interested in? I would first try to spend NYE with them, and if I couldn't I would be telling them how much I wish I could spend it with them, and tell them I hope they have a great time.

 

I wouldn't tell them to go make out with someone else.

[Versacehottie]

I was just wondering cause I went out on two dates with this woman so far, the first was just a simple meet for coffee, to see if we had any chemistry, and the second was drinks. We did make out after though and fooled around for a bit, but nothing intercourse wise or anything, if that makes a difference...

 

New years eve is coming up and she sends me a texted me saying she wanted me to be her new years kiss. I was going out with my friends and she was going out with hers, most likely to different places. I didn't really have a new years kiss in mind, and I usually don't do that on new years much.

 

So I told her I don't think I would be able to to make it to the same place she is going to... and she kind of went on about wanting it for a bit... I told her that since we are not exclusive or anything yet, she can totally feel free to kiss another guy, she is totally free too.

 

But she got turned off, and now is questioning seeing me again, I think. Was it bad or insensitive what I said? It's not like I told her to do so in a rude way, I was politely inviting her to not feel obligated or anything. What do you think? Now I did tell her that before dating her, that a couple of months ago, I got out of a four year relationship, and I was not looking for anything serious. I told her that I didn't want a sexual fling either or anything like that, I just wanted to take it slow and hang out for now. So because of this, at what point is exclusivity expected in the dating process? After making out maybe?

 

Well bolded, it was a little insensitive. Here she is flirting with you and you go getting all logical on her. Bad move. Not wrong, not inaccurate, but could have been way, way better! Why not just take the flirting to the max and make arrangements to see her after NYE? She is reacting (and reaching out) from the emotional side of her and you are only being logical. Try not to think so linear. yes it is correct, and logical and linear that you aren't going to be where she is on NYE; and that you aren't exclusive therefore she can kiss other people. But do you really think that was the underlying current of her questions/statements? You'd have been wise to pick of what that was (a connection with you, some desire, whatever) and roll with that.

 

I don't know exactly when exclusivity is expected. After two easy dates like you had, I don't think you are in the territory of where it is expected. That said, no one (especially girls) likes the promise of what the future holds snatched away from them either (or maybe she was just trying to have a little fun). Since you threw in the backstory that you gave her "warning" upfront of "not looking for anything serious" (and have kinda confirmed it for the second time by telling her she is free to make out with whoever), I'm wondering what in her line of conversation lead you from I want to kiss you on NYE to damn she is trying to lock me down into a serious relationship? Kissing & exclusivity seem like two different subjects. Maybe it's you that's trying to make them have a correlation? or maybe you feel like she will be "right there" by her letting you know she'd like to kiss you on NYE? Or maybe you sense that she is rising to the challenge of a guy who's told her he just wants to hang out and take it slow? Idk, two months post 4 year relationship break up isn't very long. You might not be ready. You can say it upfront all you want and think you have an agreement with her but the thing is that people's natural tendency in relationships is to want to progress. Honestly, you sound like you are scared but what her statement means--both by the prospecting of having f*cked up with her and being pinned into a relationship. Idk, just speaking as a girl, I think 3-6 months timeline is a bit longer than most girls will want to wait to be exclusive. Exclusive, maybe 2-3 months, depending on how much you see each other. You sound like you are trying to buy time and that's the best I can give you before she will secretly be wanting to be exclusive. Provided you can resurrect after having offended her. *ps she also sounds like she might be a little more into progression than the just any girl so there's that.

[IfonlyIknew]

An episode of Seinfeld came to mind when George was arguing with his new soon to be ex GF.

 

George: "But I have HAND!"

 

GF: "And you're gonna need it".

 

LMFAO!

 

 

ahahah I totally remember that one!!!

 

Okay thanks. It's not like I was out looking to jump into another relationship so soon though. She met me, got my number, and then asked out and I told her that I was not looking for anything serious and that I just wanted to take things slow, if we were going to hang out. So I thought maybe I made it clear that I wasn't looking for exclusivity so soon.

 

So what should I do now then? I mean am I in an exclusive relationship now, or what?

 

You're not exclusive if you haven't discussed it. Looks like she will be kissing Space Ritual!! Honestly my bet is she is done.

[Redhead14]

I was just wondering cause I went out on two dates with this woman so far, the first was just a simple meet for coffee, to see if we had any chemistry, and the second was drinks. We did make out after though and fooled around for a bit, but nothing intercourse wise or anything, if that makes a difference...

 

New years eve is coming up and she sends me a texted me saying she wanted me to be her new years kiss. I was going out with my friends and she was going out with hers, most likely to different places. I didn't really have a new years kiss in mind, and I usually don't do that on new years much.

 

So I told her I don't think I would be able to to make it to the same place she is going to... and she kind of went on about wanting it for a bit... I told her that since we are not exclusive or anything yet, she can totally feel free to kiss another guy, she is totally free too.

 

But she got turned off, and now is questioning seeing me again, I think. Was it bad or insensitive what I said? It's not like I told her to do so in a rude way, I was politely inviting her to not feel obligated or anything. What do you think? Now I did tell her that before dating her, that a couple of months ago, I got out of a four year relationship, and I was not looking for anything serious. I told her that I didn't want a sexual fling either or anything like that, I just wanted to take it slow and hang out for now. So because of this, at what point is exclusivity expected in the dating process? After making out maybe?

 

Well, I'd say she's got a hair trigger if she's getting all pissy over that. You've only had two dates for crying out loud. Exclusivity can and should be discussed before or very shortly after you've been intimate with someone, but not after 2 dates. But, I do think it was a little insensitive to say she can go ahead and kiss someone else. I think you should have just said "I can't make it there. Have a great time." and left it at that.

 

I'd pass on this girl. If she's upset or put off or whatever because you reminded her that she is still a "free" woman, then she needs to grow up and get a grip. To me it sounds like she gets attached easily . . .

[winny]

I told her that since we are not exclusive or anything yet, she can totally feel free to kiss another guy, she is totally free too.

 

Totally insensitive. Wasn't needed at all to be said.

No girl wants a potential BF to be okay with her kissing another dude - you devalued her interest in you, made her sound like a trashy gal who would just kiss anyone for the sake of kissing. It wasn't about the "kiss", it was about who she wanted to kiss.

[Versacehottie]

Okay thanks. It's not like I was out looking to jump into another relationship so soon though. She met me, got my number, and then asked out and I told her that I was not looking for anything serious and that I just wanted to take things slow, if we were going to hang out. So I thought maybe I made it clear that I wasn't looking for exclusivity so soon.

 

So what should I do now then? I mean am I in an exclusive relationship now, or what?

 

I wouldn't do that. I think you would resent it and go hot/cold on her. Just your tone in writing that says a lot. It's a tough one. You are going to have to keep stalling in ways (and stop being linear!!). You will have to reiterate that you NEED to go slow and want to get to know her at the same time as being able to have fun with her and not go all robotic in an effort to preserve your emotional distance. Maybe do things more in friend way with some romance. Don't let her try to push, push and be all full on romance--that's not gonna work for you. You can do this by the activities you do and what you decide to talk about.

 

But let's be honest, you can only keep someone at arm's length for so long. And part of it at a certain point won't be fair to her. You just might not be ready (might be rebound for you). In some ways, it might be just as good to step away from the whole thing; tell her you're not ready to date & then pick back up when you are more healed (if she is available). I mean, sometimes the timing just doesn't work out right---initially--I know quite a few couples that basically had versions of your story and came back together when the timing was right and are going strong.

 

You know some will say it's a cliche if some guy says he's not ready because he just broke up and won't take you seriously. It's no more cliche than a girl believing "if you really really liked her, love for her/attraction to her would override all". To be honest, your heart doesn't sound open. If it isn't, the most fair thing to do would be to take your chances that she would believe you when you say you're not ready and would be available when you are. Good luck

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if you were exclusive or not....you ruined the mood! Boom! it's over.

[Versacehottie]

Doesn't matter if you were exclusive or not....you ruined the mood! Boom! it's over.

 

Exactly. A more player guy (in a good way) would have said something to the effect of well bummer you're gonna be at xyz while I'm all the way over at abc, so how are we going to resolve this? Going out next Wednesday? or something like that.

 

Also don't know exactly her words but I don't know why he presumed her wanting to kiss him means she wants to be exclusive. Huh? I don't see where she said that. I think he mind-leaped!

 

I don't know if it's over but it will be hard to resurrect. OP, you have indicated in this post and in bits of what you said to her that you are dragging your feet. She may be putting pressure on IN RESPONSE to this. Needless to say, it's feeling a little combustible. Good luck though

[ironpony]

Well, I'd say she's got a hair trigger if she's getting all pissy over that. You've only had two dates for crying out loud. Exclusivity can and should be discussed before or very shortly after you've been intimate with someone, but not after 2 dates. But, I do think it was a little insensitive to say she can go ahead and kiss someone else. I think you should have just said "I can't make it there. Have a great time." and left it at that.

 

I'd pass on this girl. If she's upset or put off or whatever because you reminded her that she is still a "free" woman, then she needs to grow up and get a grip. To me it sounds like she gets attached easily . . .

 

Okay thanks. It's not something I said right away. She asked me to and I said I don't know if I can make it, have a great time. Then she asked me if I was going to kiss another girl. I wasn't planning on this and was not thinking about it... so at this point I felt that maybe she kind of needed to be reminded that we were not exclusive.

 

I am not the type of guy to give reminders... but in this case the way she was talking to me, asking me if I was going to kiss another girl, after telling her I didn't want anything serious... I felt that maybe a reminder at this point was good.

 

I mean she asked me out first, and I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious and just wanted to take it slow, and she said she was cool with that.

 

So she is still talking to me now and new years' is coming up, so I am guessing she will bring up the fact that i said this to her again. What should I do now then, if she does?

[Sara1989]

Okay thanks. It's not like I was out looking to jump into another relationship so soon though. She met me, got my number, and then asked out and I told her that I was not looking for anything serious and that I just wanted to take things slow, if we were going to hang out. So I thought maybe I made it clear that I wasn't looking for exclusivity so soon.

 

So what should I do now then? I mean am I in an exclusive relationship now, or what?

 

Of course you are not exclusive but if you want date a woman, even if its slow...dont tell her its ok for her to kiss other men because that will turn her off. That is it.

 

I would apologize but you may have ruined this one.

[Gaeta]

Do you have any clue what being a gentleman is?

 

Even if you only had met her once, even if you had not met her yet for the matter, you never say something like this to a woman. It's a full blown rejection.

 

You need to learn some manners.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But she is asking if I am going to kiss another girl now. I wasn't necessarily planning on it, but then again, we are not exclusive, either. So what do I saw to her now, without being insensitive, but not making her think we are exclusive either?

 

Yes I know what being a gentlemen is but at the same time, she seems like she is being falsely lead on that we are exclusive and I have to remind her it seems. So how do I do that whilst still being a gentlemen?

[Versacehottie]

Okay thanks. It's not something I said right away. She asked me to and I said I don't know if I can make it, have a great time. Then she asked me if I was going to kiss another girl. I wasn't planning on this and was not thinking about it... so at this point I felt that maybe she kind of needed to be reminded that we were not exclusive.

 

I am not the type of guy to give reminders... but in this case the way she was talking to me, asking me if I was going to kiss another girl, after telling her I didn't want anything serious... I felt that maybe a reminder at this point was good.

 

I mean she asked me out first, and I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious and just wanted to take it slow, and she said she was cool with that.

 

So she is still talking to me now and new years' is coming up, so I am guessing she will bring up the fact that i said this to her again. What should I do now then, if she does?

 

Ok, well it's a little clingy and immature of her to ask about if you will kiss another girl. A reminder though? Come on! She is looking for some reassurance. you already put her on notice that you don't want anything serious and now you told her she can kiss whoever.

 

I think part of the reason she is not assured is that "don't want to be serious" needs clarification. She obviously thinks you might use the casualness to date/see others while stringing her along and it bothers her. I think people are a lot more understanding when you assure them that they (she) is special but that you are reluctant to be in a relationship in general because of what you just went through.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well when she asked me out, I told her that I was not looking for anything serious, and she said she was cool with that. So I thought that by saying that right when she asked me out, that I wasn't stringing her along. I thought maybe it clear to her, before I even agreed to a first date and she said she was cool with that.

 

So therefore, I thought I wasn't stringing her along, cause she already knew, unless I am misunderstanding?

[Ilovepizzalady]

I think you both want different things.

 

But, you shouldn't have said that either way. She was flirting with you. You ARE dating her, even if you aren't exclusive. She's not your buddy. She at least has some romantic or sexual feelings towards you so she is going to be hurt at the idea of you kissing someone else on NYE.

[ironpony]

Okay then. But since we are not exclusive, how do I know she is not seeing other guys. Since we didn't agree to exclusivity, I thought that only two dates in, was not enough time spent together for jealousy to be warranted. But that is just what I thought.

 

And yeah, I have some romantic feelings towards her for sure, I just told her I wasn't looking for anything serious and she said she was cool with that, so I just went with her being cool with that...

[Gaeta]

Okay thanks. But she is asking if I am going to kiss another girl now. I wasn't necessarily planning on it, but then again, we are not exclusive, either. So what do I saw to her now, without being insensitive, but not making her think we are exclusive either?

 

Yes I know what being a gentlemen is but at the same time, she seems like she is being falsely lead on that we are exclusive and I have to remind her it seems. So how do I do that whilst still being a gentlemen?

 

Apologize for your poor reply to her invitation for a NY's kiss and that it was insensitive. Then tell her you have no plans on kissing anyone.

 

She was half teasing you with that kiss and you took it literally. You should have told her you would have loved to kiss her on NY eve but it'll have to wait till your next date.

 

Exclusivity depends what you are looking for. I was looking for a serious relationship so I always aimed at exclusivity after 1 month or so of dating. In your case I don't think you should get into exclusivity at all. You should just date casually for 2-3 months and see how you feel about it.