feeling all the heartbreaks.. all at once

[rita123]

I have posted about my heartbreak earlier this year, as well as my whirlwind rebound in summer. The reason I'm back here because I started dating a new guy that dumped me now via text. Well he wasn't exactly dumping me.. but he texted me on christmas day that he was seeing other people, can't commit to me, and he only wants to keep us going if i'm cool with being open. Yeah, he wrote all that in a ****ing text!!

 

But the truth is, I only know this guy for 2 months, so it makes no sense to be heartbroken. I wasn't in love with him. I liked spending time with him, but, this time I made sure that it won't turn into some codependent ****show, like with my ex... I already assumed that he was seeing others and I did not want to bring up the commitment topic yet. His text hurt my ego, just because I needed a face to face conversation and he didnt give me that. But he couldn't possibly break my heart, since I haven't given my heart to him...

 

SO why have i been sobbing for days? Why am I stalking all my exes on social media... exes I thought I have long forgotten? Why do I have this knot in my stomach, why can't I eat, sleep, meet my friends...?

 

It feels like that all the heartbreaks I suffered in my life hit me all at once. All the trust and honesty and love I put into my exes... what for??

 

I will get over this for sure, but I honestly don't think I can date anytime soon. What's the point if all the happy memories disappear, why does only the pain and bitterness stay? Anybody feels something similar?

 

I guess I don't really have a question here, just feeling really sad in the past days and my friends cant handle it so I'm back on the forum... They are all like "you didn't even know him". They don't understand that now I'm dealing with hurt from all my other guys too.

 

Btw, christmas is unfortunately also my birthday, have some bad memories of this time of the year. It was exactly last year ago that my ex threw me out in the street with my suitcase, before telling me that my birthday present was just a show... but even before, in my family, it never really went the way other kids have birthdays. Not sure if this fact makes me more sensitive now, just a guess. But I literally got panic attacks before my birthday because I knew something, or someone will ruin it.

 

Btw, my commitment phobic ex now has a girlfriend, they seem happy. They posted a bunch of pictures on social media. I guess I shouldn't have stalked..

[eightytwenty]

When you rebound or date too early this sort of thing happens.

[Satu]

You've got too much unfinished business...

 

 

From my journal:

 

 

Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do.

 

Also:

 

 

There are three common reasons why some people have difficulty moving on, even after a long time has passed:

 

1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process.

 

2. Rebound relationships.

 

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences within the relationship.

 

1 and 2 are much more common than 3.

 

Take care.

[Satu]

snip

Btw, my commitment phobic ex now has a girlfriend, they seem happy. They posted a bunch of pictures on social media. *I guess I shouldn't have stalked..

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Methodical]

No matter how much time has passed, the pain from the loss of a loved one due to death, breakup or whatever often comes rushing back at holidays. You have a couple of factors in play, your bday and Christmas, which kind of makes it a double whammy. Having a repeat performance of past experiences yet again triggered past disappointments. Triggers come in many forms: events/occasions/holidays, places, songs, etc. So even tho you had only been dating this person for two months and was mentally determined to not let your guard down or let your heart get involved, his message directly hit your trigger.

 

You already know Christmas/bday is one of your triggers. We can suggest you get involved with a hobby, volunteer, exercise, go for long walks, etc. Unfortunately, only you can learn what coping mechanisms such as the ones listed above work for/help you. Stalking exes is a bad idea, as you have figured out. In a way, it's almost a form of self-mutilation, especially this time of year. I suppose your friends are only considering the amount of time you had dated this guy instead of looking at the deeper issue at hand .

[Satu]

OP:

 

The new year is a good time to do some emotional house cleaning.

 

I think you might benefit from journaling.

 

Just write in freeform, about things that come to mind.

 

People, places, feelings, memories, hopes, dreams, or whatever is on your mind..

 

Just write.

 

 

Take care.

[Gloria25]

I agree with the others, maybe this is hitting you so hard cuz you haven't really gotten over past disappointments/endings?

 

Gosh, I was sorta thinking about this today. Dude and I only were speaking about two months too, so you'd think it wouldn't be much if it didn't work out, but what hurts so much about it is "how" we didn't work out. I really thought he was liking me and considering not seeing other people anymore (well in more time) - only to find out he only considered me a friend and was repulsed by anything other than friendship with me

 

And yea, I have the baggage of not trusting people - so, him seeming like we were cool - only to not be anything cool kinda reopened that wound I have of not trusting people.

 

Also, even though it was only two months - there was so much that I was already liking about him. I mean, I had gone on a few dates and was lukewarm about some guys I was meeting but geesh - from day one I saw him I was like "I gotta speak to that guy!!!" And, little by little more stuff about him kept on piling up that I liked. Sometimes I'd just look at him and smile cuz I had no words to describe how I was getting into him. Oh well.

 

So, I guess for 2017, I gotta do some emotional spring cleaning too:p

[rita123]

Thank you so much for the responses. All very good advice here,

and I already feel better thanks to you.

 

I have waited with dating for 4 months between the summer rebound and this new guy.. I thought I really dealt with all the hurt as I didn't think of my ex anymore for a long time, I spent a lot of time alone reinventing myself and picked up a new hobby (that's how I met this guy).

 

And the fact that we were moving slow, each of us focusing on our own lives made me believe that this could finally be a grown up thing... Even though on paper, he was 100% like my ex and that scared me... maybe that's also why I didn't want to start the conversation about commitment. But this doesn't change the fact that his christmas text was downright assholish... He wanted to meet me now in person to apologize but this kind of behavior is hard to tolerate even under other circumstances.. so I don't want his apology.

 

Right now, I feel very much like the main character of Broken English (not sure if anybody has seen that movie?)... But I was really optimistic about the future overall, and I don't let this become a setback! I have big plans, career plans, travel plans, moving plans, so better to do these on my own, without any distraction!

[rita123]

3. Genuinely traumatic experiences within the relationship.

 

I feel that with the ex it was 3. Considering all the manipulation, emotional abuse, stalking (in real life). I guess I have just underestimated the long-term effects...

[rita123]

So even tho you had only been dating this person for two months and was mentally determined to not let your guard down or let your heart get involved, his message directly hit your trigger.

 

So true. I actually mentioned to him earlier that my birthday is a sensitive topic because of some bad memories... and that I probably wouldn't do any celebration. So he wrote me the night before that he prepared a present for me. I have no idea if he really got me a present because I got this text instead...

Trigger hit once again..

Edited December 31, 2016 by rita123

[rita123]

 

Gosh, I was sorta thinking about this today. Dude and I only were speaking about two months too, so you'd think it wouldn't be much if it didn't work out, but what hurts so much about it is "how" we didn't work out. I really thought he was liking me and considering not seeing other people anymore (well in more time) - only to find out he only considered me a friend and was repulsed by anything other than friendship with me

 

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I also thought that it won't affect me so much if we ended after such a short time... but it can be still really hurtful when they act all nice around you but it's indeed just an act.. especially if you have all those trust issues still.

 

I also assumed that we were not exclusive (yet) but we were heading towards that. With every meet he was getting sweeter and sweeter, bringing me chocolate, cuddles all night, PDA after around date 5... I also overheard a phone conversation between him and his mother where he talked about me, so I took it as a sign that he thinks of me a bit more seriously. But i was stupid to follow these "hints" of gradually progressing instead of asking about his deal straight up.. but how would i have brought up the topic, if I just wanted things to stay this way a bit longer, until I'm sure I can give him my heart. So this was the perfect setup for me too. Especially after my summer rebound who asked me to become his girlfriend, I was consciously avoiding this topic.

 

Now this guy is offering me something else, which suggests that he likes me enough not to dump me altogether, and maybe, in the end I could have been the only one.. But the way he communicated it is a complete turnoff and I have more self respect than to continue seeing him after this sneaky text...

 

So yeah, I'm hurting but good that it ended I suppose because all these bad feelings came back for another reason which he had nothing to do with.. Gotta deal with those first...