marky00 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Yeah I fell for that one this year I think Mark. I originally ended it in Sept 2015 because I just couldnt take any more of her drama, and constant criticisms, and constant extreme mood swings. I'd spent months trying to talk about it but was getting nowhere, if anything things started going backwards. I almost immediately regretted it, and we ended up getting back together a week later, vowing to work on our respective issues. Cue 2016, the year from hell. This whole year has been my "punishment". Sucked back in, spat back out, sucked back in, spat back out, ad nauseum, doubtless all the while looking for a replacement. Once the replacement was found, I was cut loose. This is why I tell people here not to break up with someone unless they lost their feelings. Breaking up with someone you care for takes guts but most of the time it backfires because you are too emotionally invested to handle the impending backlash that follows. I realise being a doormat is pretty crap as well. Caught between a rock and a hard place.
PLT Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 This is why I tell people here not to break up with someone unless they lost their feelings. Breaking up with someone you care for takes guts but most of the time it backfires because you are too emotionally invested to handle the impending backlash that follows. I realise being a doormat is pretty crap as well. Caught between a rock and a hard place. Thing about my ex is that if it hadn't been that, it'd have been something else. The end result was always going to be the same. If there wasn't anything to moan about in the relationship, she would just make something up. Messed up I know. That's just the way she is. I've been thinking a lot about how I ended up being her doormat. It's a very fine line between fighting for the relationship, and putting the necessary work in, and being a doormat. The thing is, that difference isn't decided by you alone. If your partner makes compromises also, and puts the same work in, it is fighting to save the relationship. If your partner just sits back and lets you trip your over yourself trying to please her / him, all the while criticising you while you do it, then it becomes being a doormat. It's weird because I've never been a doormat for anyone before. I guess it was just the perfect storm and I realise now that these things can happen to anyone. 1
marky00 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 Thing about my ex is that if it hadn't been that, it'd have been something else. The end result was always going to be the same. If there wasn't anything to moan about in the relationship, she would just make something up. Messed up I know. That's just the way she is. I've been thinking a lot about how I ended up being her doormat. It's a very fine line between fighting for the relationship, and putting the necessary work in, and being a doormat. The thing is, that difference isn't decided by you alone. If your partner makes compromises also, and puts the same work in, it is fighting to save the relationship. If your partner just sits back and lets you trip your over yourself trying to please her / him, all the while criticising you while you do it, then it becomes being a doormat. It's weird because I've never been a doormat for anyone before. I guess it was just the perfect storm and I realise now that these things can happen to anyone. very true. in my case, my dog got deaf in an operation, that added to my stress, she started becoming distant, and then I tried to fight for the relationship. I've never done anything like that before in my life.
Author Rya Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Me personally, my only reason to do that would be to see if the door was potentially open for a) friendship / reconnect, b) reconciliation or c) a bit on the side. I actually wouldn't do c, but we aren't talking about me. So I guess you are left with a or c as he says he is happy in his relationship. I'm not so sure he is. Could have possible been a or c, but since he kept the contact, I asked him if he wanted to be friends, he said we couldn't be...so I'm a bit confused as to what he wants. If he was ok with establishing a friendship of some sort then I would get it... 1
Author Rya Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 Its not unheard of for certain very proud types to go for a revenge dumping. By this I mean, your Ex was probably ok with the breakup, otherwise he wouldn't done NC so well. But, it would have dented his ego that you ended it. Because he knew he was over it anyway, he figured one day, he would suck you in and reject you back. This is all possible but you never told us why you broke it off. Maybe you were forced to break it off, which in that case makes you the dumpee anyway. He never really tried to suck me back in...and as far as NC goes, he's always been the one to break it...
LuvMyDogMore Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 The bottom line is, this has a lot less to do with you and everything to do with him. HE is trying to gain something (attention, ego boost, etc) and to everyone's point, he's not plagued with concern about how YOU are doing. 1
marky00 Posted December 31, 2016 Posted December 31, 2016 (edited) The bottom line is, this has a lot less to do with you and everything to do with him. HE is trying to gain something (attention, ego boost, etc) and to everyone's point, he's not plagued with concern about how YOU are doing. This is a good summary, I agree. Pretty much how I feel about my Ex breaking NC as well. It's not so pleasant to know this is the real reason for the contact. However, at least its better than being in the doormat stage where they only contact you to relieve their guilt. Given the amount of time that has passed and your persistence with NC, I really think this is well past the guilt stage. So yes, he wants something and attention or ego boost is probably closest to the truth. Which probably also suggests the new relationship isn't 100 per cent perfect because if it was then this guy truly is a narcissist. Edited December 31, 2016 by marky00 1
Author Rya Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 This is a good summary, I agree. Pretty much how I feel about my Ex breaking NC as well. It's not so pleasant to know this is the real reason for the contact. However, at least its better than being in the doormat stage where they only contact you to relieve their guilt. Given the amount of time that has passed and your persistence with NC, I really think this is well past the guilt stage. So yes, he wants something and attention or ego boost is probably closest to the truth. Which probably also suggests the new relationship isn't 100 per cent perfect because if it was then this guy truly is a narcissist. Maybe. It is very well past the guilt stage, as well as past the ability to make me jealous stage if that's the case. I just thought, that maybe he wanted to be friends, because I don't see the point in contacting an ex you don't wanna be friends with for unnecessary reasons. I find it a bit funny at this point. I'm thinking, if anything, since he's unaware of my relationship status (because I've been ignoring him) that he may just be trying to gauge whether he could have me back or not if he wanted...smh lol
marky00 Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Maybe. It is very well past the guilt stage, as well as past the ability to make me jealous stage if that's the case. I just thought, that maybe he wanted to be friends, because I don't see the point in contacting an ex you don't wanna be friends with for unnecessary reasons. I find it a bit funny at this point. I'm thinking, if anything, since he's unaware of my relationship status (because I've been ignoring him) that he may just be trying to gauge whether he could have me back or not if he wanted...smh lol The bit I never get is how sum1 who had no worries throwing you in the trash gets an ego boost from you responding to them? Its quite counter-intuitive really.
Sweetfish Posted January 1, 2017 Posted January 1, 2017 Maybe. It is very well past the guilt stage, as well as past the ability to make me jealous stage if that's the case. I just thought, that maybe he wanted to be friends, because I don't see the point in contacting an ex you don't wanna be friends with for unnecessary reasons. I find it a bit funny at this point. I'm thinking, if anything, since he's unaware of my relationship status (because I've been ignoring him) that he may just be trying to gauge whether he could have me back or not if he wanted...smh lol I think everything is reverse... Think about it... if your boyfriend came in this thread and said his ex gf was contacting him. The poster here would say the SAME EXACT thing to him... as they are saying to you.. Am i right or am I talking ****. Cluster b personalities can be so high functioning that the person themselves cannot tell they are being self absorbing. Your initial post hinted to me you are controlling, by telling the posters (you being new) that this is how i want my thread to be answered. I never called you out on this because i wanted to see how this would playout. You wanted to get with your ex... but your resolve was to get another guy that to be honest... doesnt sound like anything much... like he is a filler or rebound.. The only thing i can see from the ex is he still loves you. You gave me no evidence he is malice or had ill intentions. Just a fear to go back to what he really wants... but knows he was burned in the process. Again why did you breakup with him? 1
Author Rya Posted January 6, 2017 Author Posted January 6, 2017 I think everything is reverse... Think about it... if your boyfriend came in this thread and said his ex gf was contacting him. The poster here would say the SAME EXACT thing to him... as they are saying to you.. Am i right or am I talking ****. Cluster b personalities can be so high functioning that the person themselves cannot tell they are being self absorbing. Your initial post hinted to me you are controlling, by telling the posters (you being new) that this is how i want my thread to be answered. I never called you out on this because i wanted to see how this would playout. You wanted to get with your ex... but your resolve was to get another guy that to be honest... doesnt sound like anything much... like he is a filler or rebound.. The only thing i can see from the ex is he still loves you. You gave me no evidence he is malice or had ill intentions. Just a fear to go back to what he really wants... but knows he was burned in the process. Again why did you breakup with him? Well, I guess I can see how you could feel that I may be a bit controlling. I assure you that I'm far from it, the complete opposite. However, I am straight to the point. Its kinda like being in class, and the teacher asks whats 2+2...and instead of saying 4, the student asks the teacher why they want to know that answer...catch my drift? Asking a question with a question doesn't really answer anything... But, back to the topic. I'm not sure what's going on here. The breakup was moreso bad timing I guess. I knew I wasn't ready for what he was ready for and didn't think it was fair to hold him. There was no abuse, disrespect, or cheating of any kind... Thanks for takimg the time to respond!!!
Sweetfish Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Well, I guess I can see how you could feel that I may be a bit controlling. I assure you that I'm far from it, the complete opposite. However, I am straight to the point. Its kinda like being in class, and the teacher asks whats 2+2...and instead of saying 4, the student asks the teacher why they want to know that answer...catch my drift? Asking a question with a question doesn't really answer anything... But, back to the topic. I'm not sure what's going on here. The breakup was moreso bad timing I guess. I knew I wasn't ready for what he was ready for and didn't think it was fair to hold him. There was no abuse, disrespect, or cheating of any kind... Thanks for takimg the time to respond!!! Understood. I see your perspective. So do you want him back?
Author Rya Posted January 6, 2017 Author Posted January 6, 2017 Understood. I see your perspective. So do you want him back? Well...I'm not sure. Perhaps if the circumstances were different I'd be open to testing the waters, simply because we didn't treat each other bad, it was merely a breakup. I'm not going to dump my current guy for him though, plus I don't think things would be the same between us...so...not sure...
Pumpingiron34 Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 So let me get this straight. You broke up with your ex. You gave us no length of time of the relationship nor the reason why you broke up with him. Most likely he loved you and wanted to be with you and for whatever reasons you dumped him. So he picked him self back-up and found him self another girlfriend. We don't know about the girlfriend. She might treat him like crap, she may be great, he might not come close to the relationship he had with you. This is all speculation. You come back years later and he admits he has feelings for you still. That's a fair statement. Your answer is right their. For what ever reason you were not loyal to him and you bailed. He is with his girlfriend now and he wants to be loyal to her and is conflicted with the feelings he had for you. This is just a shot in the dark answer.. So he has a disorder or wants to cheat on his current girlfriend? He clearly told his ex that he was in a relationship and he didn't entertain any type of moves to want to hookup... He even went as far as saying he was hurt as that they did many things together. Nothing here suggest that he has a cluster B type personality, black and white thinking or attention seeking traits. Interesting statement. Have you told him your dating someone? Whats even more interesting is that fact that you didn't say the person your dating is your boyfriend? So its possible you still have the door open for that possibility he might "come to his senses" Wow this is prolly spot on considering i was dumped from a 5 year relationship and the only reason id ever reach out in that manner is from the utter pain that causes to a man. He prolly still is baffled that you ditched him and god does that pain last a long time.
Author Rya Posted January 6, 2017 Author Posted January 6, 2017 Wow this is prolly spot on considering i was dumped from a 5 year relationship and the only reason id ever reach out in that manner is from the utter pain that causes to a man. He prolly still is baffled that you ditched him and god does that pain last a long time. Righy, I can understand being baffled initially. However, I previously explained what happened a long time ago, and even after that he decided to stay in his current relationship. So why be baffled after you make a decision like that? I think that if you are in a relationship that you have been in for 2 years, plus you've already received an explanation more than once, plus you don't wanna be friends, then why be baffled? The fact that you decided to stay with your current is all the closure you need...or am I wrong?
Author Rya Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 The bit I never get is how sum1 who had no worries throwing you in the trash gets an ego boost from you responding to them? Its quite counter-intuitive really. Right, I don't get that either. Someone simply responding to me, after I reached out to them would not boost my ego. Now, if I was egotistical, perhaps them initiating contact would...but since I'm not initiating contact, I don't get it lol
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