Weird Ex Behavior

[Rya]

Ok so heres the deal. I broke up with my ex close to 3 years ago. A year after the breakup I met up with him to talk and he told me he was in a relationship I accepted that and left him alone. He then starts telling me how he still has feelings, and I did as well, so I mentioned exploring the possibility, but he was in a relationship. I attempted to text him on 3 different occasions in a 2 month span, which he ignored. So, I stopped reaching out and started to move on. About a month later, he texts just saying "hi" and nothing else, and did that multiple times until I got mad about it because I was still hurt... Months later, I didnt receive his b day or holiday texts, then he told a few of my family members after asking them how I'm doing (which by the way he has never asked me even though he's contacted me several times ) that I don't talk to him anymore because I didn't respond to any of it.

 

Fast forward a year later, I still have not initiated any contact with him, other than to ask him why he keeps contacting me. His words were "its just...we did alot of things together, and it hurts..." Yet, he says his relationship is good and has been in it for 2 years now. A few months ago, he called me and asked me if I really loved him, then why did I break up with him...keep in mind that I already explained about 3x prior to this, and wanted to reconcile to make it right...even after explaining myself he said no, he's gonna stay with jis new girl...so I walked away and started moving on. He has always reached out for one reason or another, even after I've ignored him, and I dont contact him at all. He said he doesn't wanna be friends which would be fine if he did..so I'm a little confused. Seen him in traffic, and he started speeding to catch up to me, just to say hi...

 

Fast forward a few months from that (now) I get a missed call and a text 2 days after my b day (with no b day wishes) asking about a work thing...in which the answer he could've easily got from another dept at his job...in fact, he supposed to get it from the dept...not his ex gf. I ignored it...at one point in time I wanted to reconcile but he said no due to his new relationship... ok fine...I'm moving on as well but what gives?

 

P.S. Not looking for answers as to what I should do..."you should move on, block his number...or why haven't I blocked his number etc" lets stick to answering the question at hand... just wondering what would drive this behavior...because I'm not the type to reach out to exes...I let them completely go...any insight? I know its long...thanks for reading

Edited December 30, 2016 by Rya

[keiji]

He's playing games, which means he's probably not that happy in his relationship. But the important person here is you, not him. Why do you care about his motives? I'm afraid I must ask you: if all this is so senseless and he's told you he'll carry on with his relationship of 2 years, why don't you block him and truly start healing? He's doing all this because you let him do it.

[Rya]

First off, I want to say thank you for your response, I appreciate your input. However, this is why I mentioned that we should stick to answering the question. Its not about me not healing...like I've said, I've left it alone a long time ago...been ignoring him...just wondering why...don't really need to be questioned about why I do or don't care...not trying to be rude or anything but sometimes ppl tend to go off topic...

[keiji]

I don't think it's off-topic, but plain and simple: you probably keep wondering for a reason. When you don't care about someone, you don't care about their motives, either. It's very easy to stop it if you find it annoying.

 

I'm not a psychic and therefore it's all wild guesses here, but as I said, he's probably not entirely happy in his new relationship and likes to play games and keep an ace up his sleeve. Maybe just looking for an ego boost. And I would add "or maybe he's not over you yet", but he said he wasn't willing to rekindle your relationship, so I'd discard it.

[kidm]

He's probably playing games and since he's gotten a reaction out of you a few times, he knows or at least thinks he still has you on the hook and it helps his ego and makes him feel in control as the one who said no to your efforts to reconcile, especially if after 3 years you're still single and hoping for a reconciliation.

[anika99]

He wants to cheat on his gf with you or he has some disorder like narcissism. Narcissistic people never let other people go. Not because they care for them but because their ego can't stand to see people move on without them. It's fine for them to go on and live their life with someone new but they need to believe that their ex still wants them and will pine for them forever. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to get over him.

Edited December 30, 2016 by anika99

[marky00]

He wants to cheat on his gf with you or he has some disorder like narcissism. Narcissistic people never let other people go. Not because they care for them but because their ego can't stand to see people move on without them. It's fine for them to go on and live their life with someone new but they need to believe that their ex still wants them and will pine for them forever. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to get over him.

 

I think this is spot on.

 

 

My Ex GF after 5months NC just asked me how I am doing. That is after she totally ghosted me. She's a Narcissist as is your ex bf probably. The minute you start responding to his texts, he will probably disappear for quite a while.

[Rya]

He wants to cheat on his gf with you or he has some disorder like narcissism. Narcissistic people never let other people go. Not because they care for them but because their ego can't stand to see people move on without them. It's fine for them to go on and live their life with someone new but they need to believe that their ex still wants them and will pine for them forever. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to get over him.

 

I think you may be right about this. Somebody has got to be crazy to think that if someone responds to them that that's an indicator that they want you back. Must be even crazier to keep contacting a person who is not responding to you...I haven't responded to him in close to a year...so its weird...

[Rya]

Yeah, you all could be onto something, maybe an ego boost of some sort. Don't get me wrong, I'm not standing still, and know better than to sit around and pine over someone, for I've been dating someone else for a little over a year now, and cant dream of doing things of that sort. I also should mention that the work related question he asked...which I never responded to, is related to my job in a completely different field. I never told him I switched career fields...so he's either been talkin to someone, or snooping somehow. Is it really that serious though? I mean, do ppl really go to those lengths for an ego boost? Thats crazy...

[Rya]

He's probably playing games and since he's gotten a reaction out of you a few times, he knows or at least thinks he still has you on the hook and it helps his ego and makes him feel in control as the one who said no to your efforts to reconcile, especially if after 3 years you're still single and hoping for a reconciliation.

 

Could very wel be the case. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I've been in a relationship for over a year now...and its just weird. I thought maybe he just wanted to be friends but when he said we can't be friends, I got a little confused by it al...

[Rya]

I think this is spot on.

 

 

My Ex GF after 5months NC just asked me how I am doing. That is after she totally ghosted me. She's a Narcissist as is your ex bf probably. The minute you start responding to his texts, he will probably disappear for quite a while.

 

Right that's crazy. Mine never asked me how I was doing, but he asked other ppl. Since you're a guy, what would be your reasoning for reaching out to a non responsive ex, if you've been in another relationship for nearly 2 years?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have an ex who did this, too.

 

We've been broken up for nearly 3 years now, and he's since got married. I have also been with a wonderful man for 2 years. My ex knows I am not single and not interested, and he doesn't hide the fact that he is married.

 

He has a huge ego and I think kept fishing to see if I would bite. I have no idea if he was intending on cheating on his now-wife or what, because I never fed into into his attempts to contact me. My guess is that he wanted to "remind" me he was still around should I ever feel like playing mistress. He was letting me know in an indirect way that his door was open, and I would imagine your ex is doing the same.

 

Given that I was also non-responsive, annoyed, and interested in protecting the integrity of my current relationship, I finally just blocked my ex. I'm curious why you haven't done the same?

[Rya]

I have an ex who did this, too.

 

We've been broken up for nearly 3 years now, and he's since got married. I have also been with a wonderful man for 2 years. My ex knows I am not single and not interested, and he doesn't hide the fact that he is married.

 

He has a huge ego and I think kept fishing to see if I would bite. I have no idea if he was intending on cheating on his now-wife or what, because I never fed into into his attempts to contact me. My guess is that he wanted to "remind" me he was still around should I ever feel like playing mistress. He was letting me know in an indirect way that his door was open, and I would imagine your ex is doing the same.

 

Given that I was also non-responsive, annoyed, and interested in protecting the integrity of my current relationship, I finally just blocked my ex. I'm curious why you haven't done the same?

 

Could be, but the whole asking family about me, looking me up online and asking questions related to my new career field...sspeeding to catch up to me in traffic, asking why we broke up 2.5 years later...just weird.

 

Oh, and I did block him after his most recent attempt

[Rya]

Plus, one thing about guys, if they want to have a little side action, they usually don't beat around the bush about it. Surely they may not come out and say it, but they will at least try to be a bit flirtatious...compliment you in some way. If thats their aim, the conversation at some point, always turns sexual in nature. ..

[ExpatInItaly]

Plus, one thing about guys, if they want to have a little side action, they usually don't beat around the bush about it. Surely they may not come out and say it, but they will at least try to be a bit flirtatious...compliment you in some way. If thats their aim, the conversation at some point, always turns sexual in nature. ..

 

Eh, not always.

 

Some love the cat-and-mouse game. It gives them an ego-boost, while not crossing that line. They can have their validation knowing they're messing with you enough to wonder about them (and clearly you are, hence the thread - but no judgment here, I often wondered why my ex was such a tool!) without actually cheating.

 

If your ex knows you well, then he knows you're trying to figure out his behaviour too. He wouldn't necessarily need any response from you to know he's on your mind. That alone satisfies some narcissistic types, strange as it may sound.

 

Good for you for blocking him. There was no point in giving him further access to you. Too bad his girlfriend has a clown for a boyfriend, though.

[Rya]

Eh, not always.

 

Some love the cat-and-mouse game. It gives them an ego-boost, while not crossing that line. They can have their validation knowing they're messing with you enough to wonder about them (and clearly you are, hence the thread - but no judgment here, I often wondered why my ex was such a tool!) without actually cheating.

 

If your ex knows you well, then he knows you're trying to figure out his behaviour too. He wouldn't necessarily need any response from you to know he's on your mind. That alone satisfies some narcissistic types, strange as it may sound.

 

Good for you for blocking him. There was no point in giving him further access to you. Too bad his girlfriend has a clown for a boyfriend, though.

 

I can agree about the ego boost...but I'm talking about sleeping with an ex gf on the side. If thats what they want (to sleep with you), then their going to turn the conversation sexual somehow. It never fails.

 

I didnt block him for the first year out of hope. When this year came, I let go of that hope and went further on with my current. Every time he's reached out to me this year, I thought it would end, but it never did. I thought that by me ignoring him, and not even contacting him on his bday, that would definitely end it, but I guess that wasn't enough, so I completely blocked him...

[ExpatInItaly]

I can agree about the ego boost...but I'm talking about sleeping with an ex gf on the side. If thats what they want (to sleep with you), then their going to turn the conversation sexual somehow. It never fails.

 

I didnt block him for the first year out of hope. When this year came, I let go of that hope and went further on with my current. Every time he's reached out to me this year, I thought it would end, but it never did. I thought that by me ignoring him, and not even contacting him on his bday, that would definitely end it, but I guess that wasn't enough, so I completely blocked him...

 

Yes, I knew what you meant.

 

To clarify my previous post: When they see that you're not going to sleep with them, some will settle for mind games. That's where the ego boost comes from when sex is off the table. They enjoy knowing they're provoking you in some way. It's a power game.

 

Your ex is apparently good at it.

[Sweetfish]

So let me get this straight. You broke up with your ex. You gave us no length of time of the relationship nor the reason why you broke up with him. Most likely he loved you and wanted to be with you and for whatever reasons you dumped him. So he picked him self back-up and found him self another girlfriend. We don't know about the girlfriend. She might treat him like crap, she may be great, he might not come close to the relationship he had with you. This is all speculation.

 

You come back years later and he admits he has feelings for you still. That's a fair statement.

 

Fast forward a year later, I still have not initiated any contact with him, other than to ask him why he keeps contacting me. His words were "its just...we did alot of things together, and it hurts..."

 

Your answer is right their. For what ever reason you were not loyal to him and you bailed. He is with his girlfriend now and he wants to be loyal to her and is conflicted with the feelings he had for you.

 

He wants to cheat on his gf with you or he has some disorder like narcissism. Narcissistic people never let other people go. Not because they care for them but because their ego can't stand to see people move on without them. It's fine for them to go on and live their life with someone new but they need to believe that their ex still wants them and will pine for them forever. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to get over him.

 

This is just a shot in the dark answer.. So he has a disorder or wants to cheat on his current girlfriend?

 

He clearly told his ex that he was in a relationship and he didn't entertain any type of moves to want to hookup... He even went as far as saying he was hurt as that they did many things together.

 

Nothing here suggest that he has a cluster B type personality, black and white thinking or attention seeking traits.

 

Yeah, you all could be onto something, maybe an ego boost of some sort. Don't get me wrong, I'm not standing still, and know better than to sit around and pine over someone, for I've been dating someone else for a little over a year now, and cant dream of doing things of that sort.

 

Interesting statement. Have you told him your dating someone? Whats even more interesting is that fact that you didn't say the person your dating is your boyfriend? So its possible you still have the door open for that possibility he might "come to his senses"

[whichwayisup]

Ok so heres the deal. I broke up with my ex close to 3 years ago. A year after the breakup I met up with him to talk and he told me he was in a relationship I accepted that and left him alone. He then starts telling me how he still has feelings, and I did as well, so I mentioned exploring the possibility, but he was in a relationship. I attempted to text him on 3 different occasions in a 2 month span, which he ignored. So, I stopped reaching out and started to move on. About a month later, he texts just saying "hi" and nothing else, and did that multiple times until I got mad about it because I was still hurt... Months later, I didnt receive his b day or holiday texts, then he told a few of my family members after asking them how I'm doing (which by the way he has never asked me even though he's contacted me several times ) that I don't talk to him anymore because I didn't respond to any of it.

 

Fast forward a year later, I still have not initiated any contact with him, other than to ask him why he keeps contacting me. His words were "its just...we did alot of things together, and it hurts..." Yet, he says his relationship is good and has been in it for 2 years now. A few months ago, he called me and asked me if I really loved him, then why did I break up with him...keep in mind that I already explained about 3x prior to this, and wanted to reconcile to make it right...even after explaining myself he said no, he's gonna stay with jis new girl...so I walked away and started moving on. He has always reached out for one reason or another, even after I've ignored him, and I dont contact him at all. He said he doesn't wanna be friends which would be fine if he did..so I'm a little confused. Seen him in traffic, and he started speeding to catch up to me, just to say hi...

 

Fast forward a few months from that (now) I get a missed call and a text 2 days after my b day (with no b day wishes) asking about a work thing...in which the answer he could've easily got from another dept at his job...in fact, he supposed to get it from the dept...not his ex gf. I ignored it...at one point in time I wanted to reconcile but he said no due to his new relationship... ok fine...I'm moving on as well but what gives?

 

P.S. Not looking for answers as to what I should do..."you should move on, block his number...or why haven't I blocked his number etc" lets stick to answering the question at hand... just wondering what would drive this behavior...because I'm not the type to reach out to exes...I let them completely go...any insight? I know its long...thanks for reading

 

He's fishing and playing you. Cut him off. Block him and forget him. He likes that you're still interested even though he's moved on. It feeds his ego so please stop replying to him.

[Rya]

So let me get this straight. You broke up with your ex. You gave us no length of time of the relationship nor the reason why you broke up with him. Most likely he loved you and wanted to be with you and for whatever reasons you dumped him. So he picked him self back-up and found him self another girlfriend. We don't know about the girlfriend. She might treat him like crap, she may be great, he might not come close to the relationship he had with you. This is all speculation.

 

You come back years later and he admits he has feelings for you still. That's a fair statement.

 

 

 

Your answer is right their. For what ever reason you were not loyal to him and you bailed. He is with his girlfriend now and he wants to be loyal to her and is conflicted with the feelings he had for you.

 

 

 

This is just a shot in the dark answer.. So he has a disorder or wants to cheat on his current girlfriend?

 

He clearly told his ex that he was in a relationship and he didn't entertain any type of moves to want to hookup... He even went as far as saying he was hurt as that they did many things together.

 

Nothing here suggest that he has a cluster B type personality, black and white thinking or attention seeking traits.

 

 

 

Interesting statement. Have you told him your dating someone? Whats even more interesting is that fact that you didn't say the person your dating is your boyfriend? So its possible you still have the door open for that possibility he might "come to his senses"

 

Your assessment of the situation is accurate. When I came back and we talked a year later, my intention was to explain myself and apologize for my behavior, not necessarily to get back with him. After we parted ways, he starts contacting me telling me that he still had feelings and he missed me, and sometimes he wished he was with me yada yada...so I admitted to having feelings too and mentioned that if we still felt like that about each other then maybe it was worth exploring the possibility ...but he decided to stay with her because he had alrwady started with her and didn't want to hurt her.

 

That's completely understandable and I didn't fault him for that. The problem is not that he chose to stay there, the problem was that even after making that decision he never really left me alone, even after I've ignored his attempts in an attempt to move on myself. I met my current 7 months later and have been with him since. I haven't told him because I've ignored his contact...other than me asking him why he keeps reaching out randomly...

Edited December 31, 2016 by Rya

[Rya]

He's fishing and playing you. Cut him off. Block him and forget him. He likes that you're still interested even though he's moved on. It feeds his ego so please stop replying to him.

 

Been stopped replying...the contact still keeps coming...blocked him after his last attempt...

[marky00]

Right that's crazy. Mine never asked me how I was doing, but he asked other ppl. Since you're a guy, what would be your reasoning for reaching out to a non responsive ex, if you've been in another relationship for nearly 2 years?

 

In the relationship of 2 years or longer, I have always been the dumpee so can't be of much help there.

 

 

I think what Expat has been saying may be spot on.

 

 

I'm still stunned my Ex 3 days ago, sends me an sms saying "Mark, how have you been?"

 

 

The fact she even put my name in the text makes it even weirder. This is like after 5 months NC and prior to that I took her to the Maldives (I paid for the whole trip) and like a month or so after that she just ghosted me.

 

 

How can anyone on planet earth after doing something like that , send me that sms? wtf?

 

 

Looking back at our relationship, I did get buzz out of chasing her but I think she got a buzz out of being chased. That's probably why we lasted as long as we did (about 9 years although there was a breakup at around 7 years).

 

 

Obviously, me not contacting her for 5 months, got under skin so she figured she'd upset my Zen bubble with the sms. And since she knows I am a pretty deep thinker, she probably feels that is enough to upset me.

 

 

At some point, I will have to block, but I am a big fan of learning experiences, as painful as they may be.

Edited December 31, 2016 by marky00

[PLT]

Right that's crazy. Mine never asked me how I was doing, but he asked other ppl. Since you're a guy, what would be your reasoning for reaching out to a non responsive ex, if you've been in another relationship for nearly 2 years?

 

Me personally, my only reason to do that would be to see if the door was potentially open for a) friendship / reconnect, b) reconciliation or c) a bit on the side.

 

I actually wouldn't do c, but we aren't talking about me. So I guess you are left with a or c as he says he is happy in his relationship. I'm not so sure he is.

[marky00]

Its not unheard of for certain very proud types to go for a revenge dumping.

 

 

By this I mean, your Ex was probably ok with the breakup, otherwise he wouldn't done NC so well. But, it would have dented his ego that you ended it.

 

 

Because he knew he was over it anyway, he figured one day, he would suck you in and reject you back.

 

 

This is all possible but you never told us why you broke it off. Maybe you were forced to break it off, which in that case makes you the dumpee anyway.

[PLT]

Yeah I fell for that one this year I think Mark.

 

I originally ended it in Sept 2015 because I just couldnt take any more of her drama, and constant criticisms, and constant extreme mood swings. I'd spent months trying to talk about it but was getting nowhere, if anything things started going backwards. I almost immediately regretted it, and we ended up getting back together a week later, vowing to work on our respective issues.

 

Cue 2016, the year from hell. This whole year has been my "punishment". Sucked back in, spat back out, sucked back in, spat back out, ad nauseum, doubtless all the while looking for a replacement. Once the replacement was found, I was cut loose.