6122907 Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 (edited) I am visiting family for the holidays and a really cute guy messaged me last week on a dating site. We really seemed to hit it off. He was really interested in what I do for work and really liked that we are both Christians and I made sure he knew that I was really interested in him. Within the first day of messaging back and forth he said that when I get back, he would definitely like to meet me. We messaged a few times before Christmas and he was generally pretty quick on responding (within a day for sure) and they were fairly lengthy. Fast forward a few days and I get a message saying his free trial was ending but he wanted us to keep getting to know one another through Facebook messaging and he was going to add me. He said he was going to try another site and decide between the two, but he said that he would message me if he came back to match or on Facebook. I accepted the request and it has felt like since we've made the switch to Facebook, things have been...not the same. I messaged him first asking how Christmas was, he responded later that night (in detail, nothing short, and was asking me when I was coming back) and in keeping the conversation going, I responded back..and now its been almost 5 days and I haven't heard back from him. I think my insecurities might be getting in the way, but at the same time, he wanted us to keep getting to know each other and I don't feel like we are. It feels like 5 steps backwards. I'm worried he saw my facebook and realized he really isn't into me. I don't know. I was really excited about this because he was cute, my age and not like 30 years older than me. haha. And we had a lot in common. I felt more potential with this one than I have with anyone I've met online before. What do you think is going on? He also just moved to AK in November and started working in the Air Force, so I am thinking he could also just be really busy too. But with facebook messaging, you know when someone reads your message or when they are online, which doesn't help! haha What do you think ? I don't go home for another 2 weeks and I don't want to have the spark fizzle out, unless it already has... Sincerely, the woman who apparently over analyzes everything. Edited December 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Ami1uwant Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Dont know what sort of timeline this was. generally dont communicate thru facebook or become facebook friends with someone you havent dated yet. Sure it could be looks, but it also could be the posts you do or what you like or dislike that turns him off like political viewes. timeline in this is important. It is common if you start communicating and talk alot but then dont geet lut and meet, you could lose interest
dklaw Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Never had someone to FB before you even meet them. He probably didn't like what he saw, either in pictures or posts. Or you took the mystery away. 3
Mkn1010 Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 I don't think you're overanalyzing too much here. I think it's valid to be concerned about his interest level if he hasn't reached out in 5 days. It sucks, but you have to just accept that it is what it is! This same thing happened to me once, the guy asked to add me on FB but then went AWOL. I assumed the same thing, that he didn't like something on my page/photos/etc and that got me down. However, I heard from him at a later time and he explained that he discontinued all internet dating stuff (and that was plausible since his profile was taken down on the dating app) because it never sat well with him and he was still trying to get his head around dating online, which he's never been keen on. My point is, there could be any number of reasons which most likely have nothing to do with you as to why he has seemingly vanished. The timing is just unfortunate as it happened after the FB add, but I wouldn't assume that that has to be the reason! Try not to take it personally. And if you are Christian, trust in God that this happened for a reason.
Author 6122907 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 thank you. I think I'm just going to let it go while I'm here and leave it be. And maybe when I get back to Alaska be forward and just say hey, does Saturday work for you to get together. But if you aren't interested in getting together anymore, let me know...or something along those lines. It is terribly unfortunate timing. But letting it go is easier said than done.
Larryville Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 He said he was going to try another site and decide between the two, but he said that he would message me if he came back to match or on Facebook. I accepted the request and it has felt like since we've made the switch to Facebook, things have been...not the same. I messaged him first asking how Christmas was, he responded later that night (in detail, nothing short, and was asking me when I was coming back) and in keeping the conversation going, I responded back.. and now its been almost 5 days and I haven't heard back from him. I think my insecurities might be getting in the way, but at the same time, he wanted us to keep getting to know each other and I don't feel like we are. It feels like 5 steps backwards. I'm worried he saw my facebook and realized he really isn't into me. But with facebook messaging, you know when someone reads your message or when they are online, which doesn't help! Never had someone to FB before you even meet them. He probably didn't like what he saw, either in pictures or posts. Or you took the mystery away. What DK points out is important. I always do a search for people on Facebook to get a true sense of what the person is all about. If I see a whole bunch of weird posts, way too much personal stuff and sharing stuff that frankly should not be shared with basically casual acquaintances, way too many selfies and silly crap that would turn me off and thanks to this practice I avoided time wasting dates. In addition depending on your photos on the dating site… I get a message saying his free trial was ending but he wanted us to keep getting to know one another through Facebook messaging and he was going to add me. Maybe he saw more of you and did not like what he saw overall. This is exactly why potential employers are going thru Facebook profiles peeping on potential employees, works in dating world as well.
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 It's New Years eve tomorrow and he is probably cooling it with you because he may have a date with someone else....he is avoiding lying to you/ avoiding the question "So what are you doing for New Years Eve?" etc. Play it cool yourself, go out and have a good time with friends and forget about it for awhile. You will probably hear from him next week.
Versacehottie Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 All of the above! *guys can be so desperate to learn about you and match you to the image that they've conjured up in their head. They will push for social media access and then continue to make more assumptions based on what's in there, possibly false but more well rounded out because it's more access to you--albeit just a slice of your life. Poor substitute for meeting in person and coming up with their own opinion based on reality. In the future don't let someone onto your FB from online that you haven't been dating in the real world yet. If you were talking to him already through the dating site, just exchange numbers with him. *Potentially dating others, starting to get serious, etc. Maybe real reason he left the online site is that he was getting serious (or something like that) with another girl he was dating. he doesn't quite know if that's gonna work out so he effectively has you on the back burner. *If he was honest about the "gonna try out another site" than he probably is getting several fresh matches that he is exploring. He may be over the top about them because they are new and he's creating fantasies again without having met them yet and/or just cocky with new attention. *Just plain and simple you guys may be losing momentum and have different expectations. You may be expectation bf like behavior and to keep things going from a distance whereas he may believe 'let's just leave it until we actually meet". I would caution you to not behave or expect gf type things from him before you are his actual girlfriend. And yeah you could be losing momentum--let's hope he has a stronger character than that but it happens even to good people. And then finally, of course, maybe legitimately, he poured over your FB and realizes you wouldn't be a good couple, like really wouldn't based on real things and not jumping to conclusions. Sometimes you can meet someone and have an initial attraction but as you get to know them a little more, know that while you think they are attractive for some things they are not dating material for you. Look at it like this, you haven't wasted much time on this guy and there will be others. Be glad you didn't put a lot of investment into it if it is done. Take things a little lighter and breezier since that is where you are now and it is an attractive quality in itself. Don't chase him. When you get back to your area, you can reach out once--as if you yourself were tied up while away and now back and ready to meet up (with confidence!!). If he has attraction and curiosity and is not serious with anyone else, he will probably take you up on that. Be warned though, he may have already formed strong opinions about you from creeping your FB soooooo be cautious about his intentions. Look to what his actions are. *ps. I'd already be slightly put off by a guy who tells you straight out that he is gonna compare dating sites after you are already talking!! It could be an absolute reality BUT a guy who wants his best chance with you and cares what you think and wants to make a good impression, has just told you to your face that "he is still searching" and effectively "you are not it enough" that he even has the manners or good judgement to conceal this from you in the slightest. Not the most encouraging behavior, just saying. Low investment
Author 6122907 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 Thank you for the replies. I am going to let things go for now. Have fun while I am home and stop stressing over it all. I was also a little put off by the comment on trying another site, but I also get it kind of. We are all trying the water in different places, so I don't blame the guy. I think I would have been more upset with the remark after a few dates. We don't know each other and he is new to the area, so there are a lot of options available and he is probably getting a lot of attention. But I don't want to be on the back burner. When I get back though, I'll shoot him a message and just say something like, "Hey, I'm back in town, do you still want to get together. If you aren't interested, just let me know ( this last part needs some fine tuning, but I'd like to know. I don't like ghosting. We're adults here. Tell me if you aren't interested of if you feel it's not going to work.) What do you think? What would you say?
olivetree Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Thank you for the replies. I am going to let things go for now. Have fun while I am home and stop stressing over it all. I was also a little put off by the comment on trying another site, but I also get it kind of. We are all trying the water in different places, so I don't blame the guy. I think I would have been more upset with the remark after a few dates. We don't know each other and he is new to the area, so there are a lot of options available and he is probably getting a lot of attention. But I don't want to be on the back burner. When I get back though, I'll shoot him a message and just say something like, "Hey, I'm back in town, do you still want to get together. If you aren't interested, just let me know ( this last part needs some fine tuning, but I'd like to know. I don't like ghosting. We're adults here. Tell me if you aren't interested of if you feel it's not going to work.) What do you think? What would you say? I don't think that you should send him a message. Let him show his interest in you by asking you out. If you were going to send that message though I would take out the last part, because it sounds insecure.
Author 6122907 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 Okay! Ball is in his court Done-zo! haha
purrrfectlyflawed Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 I agree on the Facebook thing. NEVER add anyone to your FACEbook until you have been dating them a couple months and you know its going to work. It is just awkward as **** otherwise. If they friend you, decline, don't mention it unless they ask. When it comes to online dating, its always best to meet asap. Skip all the BS and get the guy to meet you within 2 weeks of corresponding. Anything past that just gets put off. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Thank you for the replies. I am going to let things go for now. Have fun while I am home and stop stressing over it all. I was also a little put off by the comment on trying another site, but I also get it kind of. We are all trying the water in different places, so I don't blame the guy. I think I would have been more upset with the remark after a few dates. We don't know each other and he is new to the area, so there are a lot of options available and he is probably getting a lot of attention. But I don't want to be on the back burner. When I get back though, I'll shoot him a message and just say something like, "Hey, I'm back in town, do you still want to get together. If you aren't interested, just let me know ( this last part needs some fine tuning, but I'd like to know. I don't like ghosting. We're adults here. Tell me if you aren't interested of if you feel it's not going to work.) What do you think? What would you say? Um, no! "Hey, I'm back in town now, let's get together!" Why are you trying to find in the blanks for him? with the way you would phrase it. "still" implies that you are no longer what you were when you first started talking (insecure, defeated). same with the "if you aren't interested", "ghosting, we are adults", etc. All negative speak. All defeatist. If he was interested in you, this might tip the scales to not interested. It's very needy and insecure, burned by dating, whatever, not confident. It presumes 100 negative things. Instead of the version that I gave, which presumes one: that he'd want to get together now that you are in same place. If he doesn't want to, he either won't reply or will postponed the date or whatever or tell you he's not into it. No more hurtful than sabotaging it yourself. If you learn to speak in a more confident tone all the time (even if it will end up in rejection), it will help you in the long run. you will feel better about the interaction and the outcome. Over time, your confidence will pay benefits of improving the outcomes. There is too much overthinking in what you would say (your version). Just try to go on facts. he said you'd go out when you were back or the two of you agreed on that. you want an answer about this first date (so you are not ghosted and you are curious). On facts alone, if you ask the way I suggested (or something like that), you will get the same information/facts from him that you want without your insecurities coming into play. make sense? 1
winny Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Okay! Ball is in his court Done-zo! haha What does this mean? Has she texted him something already??? I hope its not that weird text.......
winny Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 You don't know anything about him at this point. There could be a 100 different reasons why he hasn't responded to you including that you are not a priority. Stick to the text VersaceHottie mentioned, if you plan on sending anything. And chill.
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