Why do I keep attracting women who have been abused?

[LoveFiend]

I don't know what it is about my personality, but about every relationship and many dates I have landed have been with women who have been abused.

 

I wouldn't even consider myself very good looking at all, but even young attractive girls who have been abused seem to get attracted to me for some reason.

 

A very young attractive co-worker hit on me a few months ago, but I didn't act on it because I didn't want to get fired. We were alone and she took her shirt off with just bra underneath to show me her tattoos. At that moment the shift was almost over and I found a reason to get out of there as soon as possible because the only thought on my mind was, "omg this girl is going to get me fired."

 

We talked during the shift and she opened up to me that she grew up in a rough life and suffered a lot of abuse, was bi-polar, and did have a little of a drug addiction.

 

I guess I have a very calm laid back personality and I come across to people as nothing bothering me. Women have told me I am a real nice guy and treat them better then previous men they have had in their life.

 

I do have a very nurturing personality. I play the counselor often in friendships and relationships and seem to have a talent for calming people down and making them feel safe like everything will be ok. I taught special needs kids for a while and people tell me I am a very warm, caring and loving person.

 

I am just wondering why it seems just about all the women who have dated me and I have been in relationships have had problems with being abused in their past?

[letsgetcoffee]

This is a really interesting question, I'm sure that pages could be written on this subject. I won't be answering it, it doesn't have a clear answer, but I think some things I have her might be helpful in some way, I've been in similar situations. I'm assuming you're a dude, hope I didn't get that wrong or you can forgive me if I did : ).

 

Firstly, let's get some data on this. Abuse is incredibly common both sexual, physical, and intimate. Depending on the stages of life you look at, some types of abuse are more common than others, but with a quick google search one can find staggering statistics on these types of abuse, and the nuance in terms of different relationship types, sexuality types, etc is very interesting. I talk to many guys who don't believe statistics on sexual assault, because they're like "well I don't know anybody who had been raped etc", but likely that's because nobody feels comfortable opening up to them. As dudes especially, who are assaulted less than women and do more of the assaulting. You are obviously not one of those people.

 

As temporarily emotionally draining as it can be to have somebody open up to you about a strongly negative experience in their life that they don't talk to people about (abuse is one of them, but there are many other things that fit into this category), I think it's a beautiful thing when somebody opens up in whatever way to me about their abusive past. To me, it indicates that they trust me, that they value me and my opinion/think I'm a good listener, and value their relationship with me. To me, this is always a good thing if a friend or partner tells me about this.

 

It can certainly be draining to have people who have been abused in your life. As somebody who has experienced similar difficulties to you where many people approach me to tell me about/ask for emotional support in dealing with these things, sometimes I have to set boundaries for myself in how I deal with it. I have helped a few of my friends, for example, through abusive relationships (male and female). A year ago, a friend from high school (which is about 10 years ago for me), contacted me out of the blue and wanted to visit the city I lived in for job prospects. I was like yeah totally, you can stay on my couch whatever, here's the days I can commit etc. Eventually, she had exceeded what I could commit to her in terms of how long she could stay on the couch in a house with 4 roommates. I cared very much about her and did the best I could to empathetically communicate that my roommates wouldn't have it if people kept staying on the couch. Turns out she had planned to move to the city with $20 in her pocket while running away from an abusive relationship. She went back home, though I didn't want to be the person who was like "you can't be here". The good news is, she eventually found her way out of that relationship. Anyways, if you find this keep happening to you, set boundaries and stick to them even though it may be hard.

 

As to why these people seem to flock to you, I'll skip answering that question per its complexity.

 

As to why you end up dating/in relationships with people like this, obviously some component of this is who you pursue and/or respond to the pursuits of sexually and romantically. You are a major part of that equation, and if it keeps happening to you, you'll probably have to put some time into figuring out who it is you want, how you find that type of person, and how you can differentiate them from other types of people. I have dated people who were quite broken from abuse, and some who otherwise seemed well-adjusted but had something in their past they were still traumatized by/felt shameful of/kept as a secret. How you navigate those waters is more the key than whether you end up dating people who have an abuse history you can't know about until you start to talk with them.

[GemmaUK]

Abuse comes in various forms and is a lot more common than people think simply because it's not something a person openly talks about and generally not without the person they are telling having earned their trust.

 

I've always been the kind of person people feel confident in opening up to and I can count many many more women friends who have been abused in some way to those who haven't and from all walks of life too.

I consider it an honour that they feel comfortable in telling me.

 

4 years ago though I didn't know a lot about it, how to spot the totally crucial and subtle early signs of abusive behaviour - then it happened to me too.

Spotting the signs is not something anyone ever teaches you about and often it happens to confident, smart, independent women who like me didn't know those very early signs to look for until they were in it. Once you're in that situation it is not an easy one to get away from.

Sad to say but the older you become the more likely you are to come across women who have been through some form of abuse.

[vampirebrat]

They probably recognise something in you that they didn't get elsewhere.

 

I dated a guy who had a friend who was very attracted to him. It bothered him a lot. We talked about it. He explained that she had dated men in the past who had treated her very badly. My response was that she wasn't attracted to him, so much as his kindness. No different to patients falling for therapists.

 

He relayed these thoughts to her, she balked at first. But then over the course of a few weeks she realised that it was true. She said that being told that opened her eyes and helped her to let go.

 

They drifted apart after, but stayed in contact. A few months down the line she met a great guy she'd legitimately fallen for.

 

That's not to invalidate your past relationships ofc. It's simply what I've observed.

[turnera]

There's a book called Getting The Love You Want, and it's all about how we attract the people we attract, and why we're attracted to certain people. Very good insight.

[spiderowl]

They probably see you as a kind, understanding, nurturing kind of person and feel they can tell you about the things that have happened to them. However, I would not assume that all have been abused. It is more common than we think but if someone has a mental illness too, then it is best to keep an open mind about what has/happened to them. For example, it is not normal for someone to take off their shirt at work to show a colleague a tattoo. I think you did the right thing in leaving quickly, especially as many workplaces have CCTV somewhere. You do not know how someone who would do that could portray things, just be careful.

 

It is good that you are aware that people may attach themselves to you. If you are a serious and nurturing person all the time, then you may well tend to attract people who need that. Perhaps it would be an idea to develop ways of expressing your other qualities, like fun and humour, so that you can attract other types of characters.

Edited January 1, 2017 by spiderowl

[Christian2282]

I'm not sure why a woman would specifically gravitate toward you whose been abused except for my personal experience and what I know I'm looking for the next time around. I want someone who feels remorse and cares about me. You sound like a man who exemplifies a nurturer. Girls love that. It also seems your issue is that maybe girls get so comfortable with you, you end up being more like a best friend than an intimate partner. It's very important for a girl to have a guy like you, but make sure you keep things grounded to where you take her on dates to make it clear they are more than that and also get someone who clearly wants to help you through your troubles as well. Good luck!

 

 

I would like to ask similar question, but on opposing end.. after you initiated that I am wondering since I have been the one abused in a relationship how do I go about dating again after what I've been through? I'm terrified of finding myself with another man like that or a man get to overwhelmed by my emotions since I tend to visualize suddenly what he had done to me... I won't be dating for while cause I just left him in December but I have got on site to meet friends for now.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Christian2282

[carhill]

You're safe and women, especially the ones who've been abused, spot a caretaker personality a mile away.

[Taramere]

I am just wondering why it seems just about all the women who have dated me and I have been in relationships have had problems with being abused in their past?

 

I suppose my question to you is...does this pose problems for you in your relationships with women? I think if, from the outset, you're seen as that caring person who will absorb other person's experiences, it's easy for things to become a bit one sided. I had a long on/off relationship with a guy who was pretty troubled...and I definitely found that at times it felt more like a counsellor/client relationship than a proper adult one.

 

Also, at times resentment would creep in - because it didn't seem that there was anything specific in his childhood that would prompt him to be troubled. I suppose that he was just predisposed to depression...and I was at a point in my life where I hadn't yet learned to resist the temptation to play Miss I Will Fix You And Make You Happy. I felt under pressure to be this eternally tolerant and understanding "carer" to his injured child. As soon as life went wrong for me in a way I handled badly, you could not see that guy for dust. I only served a purpose so long as I could stay in that caring adult role. There wasn't much leeway for me to put a foot wrong in that relationship, and looking back I'm shocked that I didn't see it more clearly and address the problem early on. That relationship showed me that there can be a fine line between being a caring and supportive partner, and becoming a bit co-dependent.

 

I'm pretty wary of guys like that now, who do a bit of the little boy lost act around women. I'm happy enough to help them in a professional capacity, but if I encounter them socially I'll tend to pull the shutters down a bit. It's a difficult balance. On the one hand, you want to be supportive - but not at the cost of having a mutually respectful and caring adult relationship.

 

And I think that's the danger you face, if women make disclosing an abusive history a central part of the connection they form with you. Potentially it places you in that difficult position where you feel obliged to tolerate and understand to a level that is more appropriate to a professional helper than to a partner who will support, but who has needs of his own too.

 

Not saying that elements of abuse in a person's past mean that any relationship they have will feature that dynamic. As others have said, there are many forms of abuse and I think it's a lucky person who emerges from childhood without having experienced any of those forms. And it's natural, I think, to open up and seek some degree of healing in the context of trusting intimate relationships.

 

But I do think it's vital that you stay alert to the possibility of girlfriends placing you in that "counsellor" role....which can feel unfair and be an overly restrictive position to inhabit in adult relationships that are supposed to be about give and take.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Taramere

[freengreen]

Do you listen to them without getting bored of their 'abuse story'.. sometimes over and ober again?. This is enuf to attract them. Generally abused people dont talk about it , yet sometimes try it out talking to someone they think they can share. However most of the times the other person listens to a bit of it and gets bored.

 

If you patiently listen to people, that is all they were looking for.

[Dolfin80]

It's got nothing to do with you. Most women get abused by men, it's statistically high and an epidemic in our society. Domestic violence is the number one cause of death to women. This is a fact. If you are not an abuser that's fantastic, it gives women hope.

[BluesPower]

Domestic abuse is a horrible problem, but it is not the #1 cause of death for women and absolutely not for women in western countries.

 

Number one is split between cancer and heard disease. If we quote wrong stats about DV it makes some think it is not as big a problem as it is.

 

For OP, women can spot a gentle man for some reason. And it probably does not help that many of us guys tend to be white knights and rescuers.

 

I myself am getting over it but it is something to be conscious of in your dating.

 

Fact of the matter is I am always going to be compassionate to a women that is hurting or that needs help. I just won't sleep with them of date them.

 

It leads to too many problems down the road...