relationship struggles since her learning phase

[DieterP]

Hi,

 

Sorry but wrong, life is WAYYYYY more stressful than studying. Dr or not. Sickness, death, finances, hell just owning a home can be stressful as hell! What if she has a sick child? What if she has issues at work? This isnt going to disappear after school.

Well, that's it. She has dealt with death in her life before... And we have dealt with a really, really shocking illness that she might have had. We got lucky and she went out fine. During this, our relationship was hard but fine. We have known this struggle. It is just different from learning. Somehow, a bad learning phase seems to suck out a lot from you and leaves no room for a relationship. It seems to me that this is just a different kind of story.

 

mikeylo:

Thank you to bring in another stream of thought!

 

YOU are the one with high expectations here. She told you that it's going to be a stressful time. Instead of being supportive during this time , you are making it all about yourself. And that is the reason she is distant.

 

Where do you read that I make it about myself? I mean, I tried to leave her a lot of space and I never complained about the fact that we did not have sex. I was always like "okay, you need space, this is fine; and if you want to be at your friend, just stay there at night if you want to".

 

I also told her that she would get support if she wanted to move for some time to some furnished condo to have enough distance.

 

Well, she is the one worried know about our relationship because she is unsure whether her missing feelings are due to learning. And I am stressed because I see that she seems to be able to relax and have fun with her friends.

 

Also, she has told me that she just does not feel attracted to me... and that it MAY be because of learning but also because of me not being attractive myself. It sure seems that her overall libido is low, anyways.

 

And why can she talk to her friends more openly and in many words and not with me, knowing that I can talk about any topic out there?! I mean, the time she is having with her friends might not be THAT great. She feels happy there sometimes, she says, but maybe just because it's less pressure?! Many reasons could speak for that, I do not know.

 

I just do not have a good feeling about this because I have no answers for those questions above.

 

VeveCakes:

I have to agree that I think she is using you. She doesn't seem to care one bit of what she is putting you through

I think, she does. She has frequent regrets, she has told me quite often that she feels like being a bad girlfriend and I have deserved better. When we have been drunk a few times, she started crying and opened to some of her/my friends/me that she feels like "betraying me with her learning". Things like that make clear to me that she DOES care. She is just overwhelmed.

Edited December 29, 2016 by DieterP

[VeveCakes]

She told you she wasn't attracted to you and losing feelings.

 

This is the warning signal before the departure.

 

Do you pay all her bills and financially support her?

 

It seems like you are excusing everything away....so what advice do you really want?

[GemmaUK]

She's told you she has no attraction for you and wants to break up.

She cried when you said you would not let her break up with you so she is stuck. You've even agreed she can move out and sounds like you would still not 'allow' her to be single..

 

The lady wants out and you are giving her all this space so she can't see how she can actually get away from this relationship.

I suspect she feels incredibly trapped in this situation.

 

Let her go. It's over.

[GunslingerRoland]

She has quite hard moods. This day started with her saying that she worries about our relationship because she has no feelings for me anymore and is just not happy with me. She had said this a few times in the past weeks. She also said that she is happy when she is with friends,

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation but she isn't telling you she needs her space or needs her time. She is literally telling you that she has no feelings for you. You can't fix that...

 

She's only with you right now because it's an inconvenient time for her to break up, find a new place to live.

 

Sorry, but unless she is saying this just to be hurtful, I don't see how this relationship isn't already done.

 

If you are willing to keep her on as a roommate and occasional sex partner while she finishes her studying that is fine, but don't expect that this relationship is going to somehow get better.

[mikeylo]

A part of me has already accepted that this relationship is over. B

 

Then why bother ?

 

You don't even want to marry. Then why did you get engaged? She probably knows this and is now doing things so that YOU break up with her.

 

Break the engagement and ask her to leave. She most gladly will.

[DieterP]

GemmaUK:

No, I told her that we will NOT continue this relationship if it does not get better. This is exactly the opposite.

 

mikeylo:

A part had to accept it because this uncertainty kills me inside. I have told her that she could move out, look for a part-time furnished place to stay or that she could stay at a friend... no, she did say that this is not what she wants.

 

I love her and would do a great deal to keep her and to make this work again. So, while I have to deal with the fact that it MIGHT be over, I am not willing to just say "bye". If she needs space, she shall get it. If her feelings are completely away, then this is it, too. But she often tells me also that she has something there and she is just overwhelmed.

 

And yes, I definitely want to marry her. I just do not want to marry her while is unsure whether she wants ME or just the nice circumstances. Why? Because marriage means for me that we do not depart after a few years or something. And when she gets around other nice circumstances, that might be it.

 

Minutes after she told me about her low feelings, she also told me there are feelings but she was just overwhelmed right now.

[mikeylo]

I'm all honesty , I guess you both ( actually every single person ) needs security and stability of a relationship. It's not being needy or desperate. It's basic requirement. While you can sense lack of these from her , it's possible that she too feels the same from you , hence the indecisiveness.

 

If she wasn't feeling , she would be gone ( unless she is using for money , like others have said ). If you feel that she isn't using you , then , you give her the security and stability that she needs and it might open the door for you. Communicate in the most effective way.

 

I get a feeling that she is not communicating what is bothering her. ( I'm not going into the aspect of her living at your place. I'm keeping money aside ). That something will be the key for you.

[DieterP]

Hi mikeylo,

 

your answer is one of the few decent ones in this thread, which is why I decided to answer one last time before I leave this forum for good.

 

I have asked her about her feelings and turns out that she really does love me. It happens that the learning stress gets the better of her, she then feels overwhelmed and miserable and this colors both her life and this relationship quite darkish. It was an overreaction to say she does not feel anything. Actually, I know these feelings. If life is ****, the relationship can feel bad, too. She took time for herself and we had quite some really nice days.

 

On the other hand, she wishes for me to be more manly, anyways. Attraction is important and I know that I could be more "manly" at times. I know what she means, I experience this sometimes with colleagues as well. Low libido combined with me not always being the Alpha guy just does not turn her on lately. I get that, it's only realistic and I know many men struggle with being the real man.

 

I have also told her, she has the time and space. She is not the blinky blinky girl that just gets this man for the money. We sure have issues that we have to work on... but who hasn't?

 

Well, thanks for all well-meant answers here. Let's hope not many others come for advice here because - even IF break-up would be the best solution - the way to communicate that has been the worst. Seldom have I visited a worse forum and I have had many discussions on many thinks - and I have also experienced many impolite answers.

 

Bye