I want to marry him, He says he's not ready? Please advise.

[sundrop]

I am 31 and divorced, my ex boyfriend is 37 also divorced for over 10 years now.

Both our ex's cheated on us.

We have been dating for 3 years now and have the typical relationship quarrels..

We have been together through everything you could just about go through in our relationship, family members and friends deaths, his loss of a job, he bought a house two years ago, etc...... I have given him everything I have and have tried to show him through everything that I will also love him and be there for him.

 

I asked him last week if we had a future, if he saw me in his future at some point, I explained at some point I do want to get married, not today or tomorrow but at some point I did want to get married. Or course the conversation didn't go my way. He said he can't see that far into the future, he doesn't look that far ahead but right now he is not ready to get married and doesn't know when he will be... He's main reason is he does not feel financially secure to support a family. I told him I didn't need his fincial support just his love. He feels his house isn't big enough, he doesn't make enough money etc..... He makes more money than just about anybody I know.

 

He says he doesn't want to loose me, that I am his best friend and his soulmate, and the best thing that has ever happened to him and he didn't want me to leave. He even moved some of my things so I would have to come back.

 

Will he ever want to marry me?

What does it take to get a guy to want to marry?

Please help. Thank you.

[Naive]

There is a guy in here with the exact same problem, except he is the guy that is feeling pressured

[sundrop]

I don't fell that I pressured him, we had a really good talk. Is it to far fetched to just want to know if we have a future?

I'm not asking for a date to be set nor did I set a time frame saying"if you don't marry me by 2006 then I'm Leaving"

Guys look into the future right? Shouldn't they be able to tell you they see you in their future?

[Naive]

Originally posted by sundrop

I don't fell that I pressured him, we had a really good talk. Is it to far fetched to just want to know if we have a future?

I'm not asking for a date to be set nor did I set a time frame saying"if you don't marry me by 2006 then I'm Leaving"

Guys look into the future right? Shouldn't they be able to tell you they see you in their future?

 

 

I am in your situation but I came to the conclusion that most men are freaked out of commitment and even talking about it is scary to them. It's up to you to either wait and see if he ever passes that stupid stage or should you pass him up.

[Annacabana]

If a man is getting all the benefits of marriage without being married, then there is no rush to get married.

I hate to say the old saying, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. I hate that saying but some say its true. It is reasonable to expect him to know if he wants to be married to you after three years. Anna

[Jolene]

Read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You". It's a very funny book about a very sad topic.

 

It states that the phrase "I'm not ready to get married" translates as "I'm not ready to marry YOU because you're not THE ONE"

[sundrop]

I have read the book when it first came out, I went out and bought it the day after it was on Oprah, it is a cute book.

Thank you.

[susanl]

I am in the same situation as you. Been dating him 2 yrs both divorced, both with kids but both of mine will be away from home in college this august. So we have had the same conversation and I know he is commited to me but if there is such a word he is marriageophobic. So in a way I want to commit to him but I also am not sure I am ready to take on the responsibility of two kids, and and ex wife. So I put my house on the market and I am moving closer to him. Right now I am 25 minutes away, once the kids leave I don't need a house this big, found a great condo that is about 5 min from him--he is excited and so am I. I figure take it one step at a time--closer is better and for me it is the best of both worlds.

 

Maybe you guys can figure out a good compromise between the two of you. Maybe stay with him a few set days a week or something like that.

 

Hope this helps

[sundrop]

Thanks Susanl,

Any advise or opinions help.

I wasn't living with him completely, however I was staying over there some at night.

I have since called off the relationship and want him back desperately, but will only go back with a commitment.

This had be bugging me for about 8 months now and he knew it, so I finally cracked and called it off. We had a talk right before I went on vacation and he knew what I was thinking, and when I came back we finished our talk and I had a few days to think, and he couldn't give me the answer I needed to hear, so as hard as it was i left.

So we will see.

He kept making excuses such as he doesn't make enough money to support a family. Ok if 100k a year isn't enough then I don't know what is. I would still work and I don't make horrible money either.

I guess maybe I wasn't the one he wanted. Only time will tell If he comes back,

I will keep hoping in the mean time.

[Brandi Renee]

sun-drop -

 

I am in the same situation. We have been together for 3.5 years now. Been thru family deaths ,jobs,murders of friends/family ect. I have been living with him for a year and we bought a new house together and moved into it last Feburary. We both agreed to live together to see if we would be able to hack the long term 'goal"

 

I have told him that if nothing is going on by this time next year - that it is okay , his choice is solely up to him, and no matter how much i love him - Iwill ave to leave becaseu I have different intentions/goals for my life and my 7 year old son. He has no children and has been great with my son as well. Neither of us never married or lived with anyone before.

 

HOWEVER - he does say we will get married - when , ? I don't know.. but I have my deadline and he is very aware of it. Even yesterday out neighbors got engaged and shared the information with us over a casual beer in the driveway. My John said " oh great, thanks man, and he chuckled " no pressure over here now, thanks allot"..... and laughed some more.

 

Someone here says why get married when you have everything you need. I wonder how much truth there is to that and how different it would be if I were to up and sell my part off this house back to him and get my own in the neighborhood. I wonder if he would snap to and i also wonder if i would get MORE SEX !!! We work togheter as self employed people too I might add.

 

Sundrop - let me know what happens with your situation. And do you feel free/liberated at all right nor? Or newly motivated?

[shygurl]

sorry but if after 2 yrs of dating - and going through ups and downs within that relationship - if the guy is so "unsure" about marriage, as in cases here - sorry ladies, you're simply wasting your time and settling for less...not to mention, you're giving the guy most (if not all, if you live together) of the perks of a marital relationship (the loyalty, sex, intimacy, working as a team, supporting one another, a best friend, etc) without him making the actual commitment - in other words, you're making it too easy for him and this becomes a really one-sided relationship.

 

"Excuses" about wanting to wait to marry until there's a bigger house or more money is a cop-out. Just because a couple marries doesn't mean there's no such thing as birth control - to be used until you're in such a position to begin a family. A married couple doesn't need the Taj Mahal to live in. Tons of poor couples marry each day.

 

I find it sad to read about women who've been dating a guy for 7 or 10 years and they're becoming so sad and bitter because he doesn't want to get married and they're feeling like they're being used. Duh, you are being used. Why would a guy get his act together if there's no consequences for sitting on the fence but reaping the rewards?

[sundrop]

Thanks Brandi Renee for sharing your experience.

And Shygurl, I agree with you too.

Again that I why I had to leave the relationship, because I had to be true to myself and what I wanted.

Brandi Renee, at least your boyfriend has said at sometime you will get married. Mine wouldn't even tell me we had a future.

It had been 9 days since I ended the relationship and it is killing me, I want him to come running up to my door and confess his undying love for me, IF he is deed sincere. But that hasn't happened yet.

Like I said I time will tell, But with Mens EGOs I'm sure he would come back even he thought I was the right person he wanted.

Brandi Renee, I too wondered what he would do If I left the relationship, now I guess I don't have to wonder anymore, I will see. So Far NOTHING. No peep, no nothing. He did call his nextdoor neighbor, who has become one of my real good friends with a crazy excuse to call, but he left her a message and they have been playing phone tag, so not sure if he is trying to get some info or not. But anyway.

 

I feel good about the decision I made, I feel at piece with it, which people say I did the right things then, But I can't help but hope he will come back. I feel empty right now, because we did have a good relationship and I have lost one of my best friends, but I also knew I would only grow to resent him, if he kept leading me on and I didn't want to do that either. It was a very hard decision to make and I knew the consequence that I may lose him forever and he may never be back. But my wanting to have a family is stronger than anything and he couldn't give me that or tell me he wanted the same thing.

[Brandi Renee]

Sundrop -

 

You msut let us know if he makes contact with you.

 

 

A really good thing right now is that you can hit the gym with all out confidence and indulge in some of that "first time' sex which you can pull out some moves that you may have not been pulling out in your previous relationship. Or even better - become more intouch with yourself/emotions.pleaseuers and really express yourself and indulge in what you want in the next man.

 

I know you must be sad - but you were thinking of the long term and that is smart. You dont want to be a unhappliy married woman ... AT ALL.

[blind_otter]

I talked about this with my BF because he was with his exGF for 5 years and knew the wholetime they were together that he didn't want to marry her. I was like, dude, why stay with someone you don't want to marry? He said, "It was convenient and easy to be in a relationship with her, so I stayed with her until I was ready to find someone I wanted to marry." (which would be me, heh heh. )

 

He knew right away that he wanted to marry me. So honestly, if it's been that long with someone without a specific committment....well, you know.

[Brandi Renee]

BLIND - ask him what he thinks about two individualy joinly buying a house with intentions in getting married "while tyring on lviing together as a tester" alothought we have been together for three years living toghet for barely a year

[New_Wife]

My assistant (male) has every intention of marrying his girlfriend of two years. They just bought a house together. He's like a little brother to me.

 

Anyway, for him, the hold up is twofold:

 

1. He wants to surprise her with a ring she likes, that he can somewhat afford, and is something she'll keep liking forever - he's very nervous about this and her sister keeps telling him 'nay' on the ones he looks at.

 

2. He wants to propose in some big dynamic way & he's stressing himself stupid over the methods and what would be too cheesy, versus too sappy, etc.

 

And then, just for fun, he knows she wants a big wedding, and he wants to give her that, but needs to save up.

 

*****

 

So, I think we forget sometimes that guys have things they worry about too, and there is a lot of pressure (both from us, and commercials, tv, movies) to do it the "right" way so as not to let you down. Especially since most guys are a little bit demonstratively retarded (which is endearing and makes them guys), they really struggle with this stuff.

 

That may or may not be what's up in your cases - but it's something else to consider.

[sundrop]

New Wife,

Thanks for your post, at least it gives me some relief knowing a guy like that is out there.....

My whole thing was I just needed to know we had a future and he couldn't eve tell me that after three years, so I took it he doesn't. I didn't think I was putting pressure on him, I never took him buy a jewelry store and looked at rings, I never told him he had to marry me or else, because I want some to marry me because they want to not because the fel pressured to.... I just thought he was the one, unfortunatly I guess I was wrong.

 

I'm getting into my mad faze right now. I'm mad at myself and also a little mad at him right now.

 

But your post gives me hope for someone in the future.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

BLIND - ask him what he thinks about two individualy joinly buying a house with intentions in getting married "while tyring on lviing together as a tester" alothought we have been together for three years living toghet for barely a year

 

Yeah, my BF bought a flat in Glasgow with his exGF (which we drove by while i visited him and it was quite a nice flat), they lived together for like 4 years - she even relocated from London to live with him, and ended up moving back to London when they split up, and now he's moving to the states to be with me. I was surprised by the fact that they even purchased a living space together.

 

But I think sometimes you do need to put pressure on the dude. If you make things too easy for them then they see no need to move any further, being content treading water, ya know?

[sundrop]

I still don't understand why aguy, who knows what you want in your future, would just drag you along. It's not like I told him I never wanted to get married, and then suddenly changed my mind. He knew form the beggining, that I was looking for a future husband.

It just pisses me off.

A friend of mine, she was with a guy for 13 years and finally left her boyfriend.

 

Just UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH.

 

Its been 10 days with no contact.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Honestly, a guy knows within the first few months of dating whether or not he will want to marry you. It does not take three years. Time for you to find someone who wants to commit to YOU.

[Jolene]

that's why a guy would drag you along...he's getting laid.

[loony]

Originally posted by sundrop

A friend of mine, she was with a guy for 13 years and finally left her boyfriend.

Funny, I just talked with a friend of mine on the phone and he told me this story of a friend of his who cancelled a wedding and left her boyfriend of 13 years. I'd think we were talking about the couple, but I'm pretty sure they don't live in California.

[blind_otter]

The whole thing seems pretty ridiculous to me. I mean, why on earth would you waste your time in a super LTR with someone you don't want to marry? I mean, unless you like don't philosophically believe in marriage or something. Other than that, though....men can be weird. fear of committment is a serious thing, dude.

[jnel921]

Sundrop,

 

Its greeat to be able to share some of lifes disasters with someone who has been thru similar things. But just because u both share those experiences doesnt mean he wants to share his future with you. There are lots of men who we feel are Mr. Right... He sound like he is satisfied just being Mr.Right Now.

 

You have to ask yourself if this is the situation you want to stay in. I understand your need to know the direction of this relationship. You don't want to stay and then 5 years from now he decides he'd rather be alone or worse try with someone else...then ther is another 4 or 5 years of ur life that you cant get back.

 

If you know you want marriage and children one day then I suggest you keep looking. If he wants to be with you then he'll be back and he'll tell you so.

 

When I got divorced from my first husband I was single for 6 years. I met several men. Men who I felt the same way you do. I wondered why doesnt he want to share his life with me? I left those relationships and met people who wanted the same as myself... A future. When I met my current husband we both were on the same page from the beginning. We both went thru rough times and both had children. But what we wanted the most was to be married again someday. Thank god I found him... I'm sure you will find the one your heart belongs to also. God Bless.

[Brandi Renee]

sUNDROP - WHAT IS THE STATUS???