Author Kempeitai Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 It is very basic stuff. It is common sense. And again, I am saying if someone doesn't have the foresight, fortitude and mental health to avoid these pit falls, no list is going to save them. Those bad relationships you see, it's not because poor Debby never had a list. It's usually because Debby came from an unstable childhood, had an abusive controlling father, and is now subconsciously seeking the same sort of dynamics within the confines of a romantic relationship. Ignoring red flags isn't about lack of lists, it's about how you feel about yourself, what you think you are worth and deserve, and what you have to offer. Not sure I agree 100% with this. Debbie could have been raised well with a solid head on her shoulders. But she fell in love and lost some foresight. She thought with her heart and not her head. It happens. She got caught up in the moment and didn't really stop to think about all the things she needed to.
Author Kempeitai Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 I knew I was missing something in my list. Finally just hit me. 14) Simple Can't be high maintenance or materialistic. Needs to be okay with a simple minimalist lifestyle. Nice things are all good and dandy, but what happens if you get fired from work or have to take a pay cut.
GunslingerRoland Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 Your good person is my good person. Ethical, kind, etc. You get the point. Generally speaking we know a good person from a bad person. With some slight variations maybe. But overall is the same. You can date someone for years and they can appear to be a good person, and then marry them and it turns out they aren't.. That is more often the cause of a divorce than the person not looking at the checklist for the good person box in the first place. I think you underestimate the complexity of people. 2
Author Kempeitai Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 It is very basic stuff. It is common sense. And again, I am saying if someone doesn't have the foresight, fortitude and mental health to avoid these pit falls, no list is going to save them. Those bad relationships you see, it's not because poor Debby never had a list. It's usually because Debby came from an unstable childhood, had an abusive controlling father, and is now subconsciously seeking the same sort of dynamics within the confines of a romantic relationship. Ignoring red flags isn't about lack of lists, it's about how you feel about yourself, what you think you are worth and deserve, and what you have to offer. It is not so much about having a list. It is about knowing what exactly to look for in a partner. And actively thinking about that during the dating phase. Constantly evaluating. I think most people get caught up in the moment and that critical thinking takes a back seat. 1
Lorenza Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I knew I was missing something in my list. Finally just hit me. 14) Simple Can't be high maintenance or materialistic. Needs to be okay with a simple minimalist lifestyle. Nice things are all good and dandy, but what happens if you get fired from work or have to take a pay cut. So your dream girl, besides being selfless, won't be getting any nice presents from you?
Author Kempeitai Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 You can date someone for years and they can appear to be a good person, and then marry them and it turns out they aren't.. That is more often the cause of a divorce than the person not looking at the checklist for the good person box in the first place. I think you underestimate the complexity of people. As I pointed out, this is not some full proof way to avoid divorce. I don't think most people are academy award winning actors and can keep up a charade 24/7 for years without there being any signs or signals. If that truly does occur then you have nothing to be ashamed of. You had high standards and did your part. There were zero signs or signals of red flags. Consider yourself extremely unlucky and work to fix the problem or make the best of the situation.
Author Kempeitai Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 So your dream girl, besides being selfless, won't be getting any nice presents from you? No, me getting her a nice gift doesn't make her materialistic. I like nice things, but I am perfectly fine also with not nice things. Need a girl who is fine with a 50 dollar gift just as much as a 500 dollar gift. Obviously she would probably like the 500 dollar gift more (who wouldnt) but she wont be upset and complain about the 50 dollar gift.
Lorenza Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 No, me getting her a nice gift doesn't make her materialistic. I like nice things, but I am perfectly fine also with not nice things. Need a girl who is fine with a 50 dollar gift just as much as a 500 dollar gift. Obviously she would probably like the 500 dollar gift more (who wouldnt) but she wont be upset and complain about the 50 dollar gift. Well, sounds reasonable then. As long as you're not counting every penny, a normal woman should be able to be happy with shown effort, despite the price tag.
Author Kempeitai Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 Well, sounds reasonable then. As long as you're not counting every penny, a normal woman should be able to be happy with shown effort, despite the price tag. I am a reasonable guy
Thenicegirl Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 This is a pretty logical list and you've accounted for the person being human/not perfect. I don't see anything wrong with it. I do think it's strange that there's nothing about communication (other than being honest), compromise or ability to resolve conflicts. Or maybe I missed those? You'll find that once you're in a ltr those things will outrank someone being simple or having a decent amount of student loan debt.
Author Kempeitai Posted December 31, 2016 Author Posted December 31, 2016 This is a pretty logical list and you've accounted for the person being human/not perfect. I don't see anything wrong with it. I do think it's strange that there's nothing about communication (other than being honest), compromise or ability to resolve conflicts. Or maybe I missed those? You'll find that once you're in a ltr those things will outrank someone being simple or having a decent amount of student loan debt. Compromising relates directly to selfless. If you are splitting decisions and things 50/50 you are always compromising. Its a way of life. Communication is hard to explain. And hard to calculate. Bad communication can be fine if someone is never upset and chill and goes with the flow. But if there are problems and unhappiness then bad communication will be an issue. Then it would be hard to resolve those issues.
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