Long Term Relationship / Marriage Material Check List

[Kempeitai]

Thought I would share with you my checklist for marriage or long term relationships. Amazes me how many people either do not have a sufficient one or simply overlook it. What seems to happen is we meet someone and they are attractive, nice or fun and before we know it we are in love. For most when that happens all logical critical thought goes to the back burner. Women tend to think with their heart while men tend to think with their little man down stairs. When everyone needs to be thinking with their brain. The first 4 points should be absolutely obvious, but in actuality, they aint for a lot of people so I will list them anyway to be on the safe side. Basically, If someone follows this check list I feel it will give them the greatest chance at having a long happy marriage or relationship. Note the words greatest chance. Again, this is just my baseline non negotiables when evaluating someone's LTR / marriage potential.

 

1) Good person

 

Needs to be kind and considerate.

 

2) Honest

 

Can't have any issues with lying. When I say lying I don't mean little fibs. I mean about significant things. Not your SO lying about did they take out the dog. You need to be able to trust this person.

 

3) Loyal

 

Can't be a cheater or have cheated. Sure some people can change but at the same time some don't. Let another person take that risk.

 

4) No abuse or addiction problems

 

Can't have any issues with physical or mental abuse (meaning they are the ones doing the abusing). Can't be addicted to any substances be it legal or illegal.

 

5) No psychological issues

 

Sure some can be treated and controlled but at the same time they can also not be controlled. Case in point my father with Bipolar. Ruined his marriage and life.

 

6) Easy going

 

Can't be someone that complains, nags, and wants to argue about every little thing on a consistent basis.

 

7) Selfless

 

Can't be someone who only thinks about themselves. At the very least they need to be ok with splitting things and decisions 50/50.

 

8) Not needy

 

Can't be someone who needs attention 24/7. They need to have their own life, friends, hobbies and interests. [This assumes you are not needy yourself, in which case it's a plus]

 

9) Not controlling

 

Can't be someone who thinks their your mom, father or boss.

 

10) Not jealous

 

Can't be someone with over the top jealousy, trust or insecure issues that causes problems in the relationship.

 

11) Sexually compatible

 

They need to be able to satisfy you sexually.

 

12) Responsible

 

Can't have trouble keeping jobs or managing money (debt). Has to be dependable and have their stuff together.

.

13) Same parenting ideas

 

Needs to be on the same page with education, religion, and discipline for the potential children

 

***Now before some of you tell me this constitutes a perfect person which can not be found. No this does not outline a perfect person. Had I included someone being RICH, ATTRACTIVE, SMART, ATHLETIC, etc then you would have a point.***

 

***Not saying people can not change***

 

***Not saying you can always see these things quickly in a relationship. Hell someone might be a great actor and can keep up a charade for a very long time. Generally speaking though, you will most likely see signs in the dating stage.***

Edited December 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[IfonlyIknew]

Curious.. are you a man or woman?

[Kempeitai]

Curious.. are you a man or woman?

 

What do think? And why?

 

[RecentChange]

I make a rule to not asses people based upon checklists.

 

I would have missed out on some amazing people, including the love of my life if I had.

[Kempeitai]

I make a rule to not asses people based upon checklists.

 

I would have missed out on some amazing people, including the love of my life if I had.

 

Curious what element of my checklist did your love not check off?

[RecentChange]

I simply bristle at lists. I have a back ground in sociology, and find that no “list” can ever account for all of the variations in human nature and our perception.

 

People are complex, as are our interactions with them. We all tend to wear various “faces” the person I am with my husband, it not the exact same person I am at work, or even with friends. The compatibility between people makes a huge difference as well.

 

“Easy Going” for instance – someone could be extremely easy going with a compatible person, and yet be a critical nag with the wrong match. And these things aren’t black and white. Easy going – compared to, what? The Dude from Big Lebowski?

 

When I met my husband in his early 20’s he wasn’t particularly fiscally responsible. He has struggled with depression at times. Selflessness? I’ll clue you in, for me at least, yes its great to have someone who doesn’t always think of themselves – but on the other hand, I prefer it when someone DOES place a priority on their needs. 50/50 is great, but “at least” 50/50? Eh, I don’t like always being deferred to.

 

“Good person” gees, talk about subjective.

 

Curious – what is your dating history? What is your current status (married / single / divorced) and how long was your longest relationship?

 

My advice is on dating success is to work on being an excellent communicator. Become an expert on reading people and judging character. Be honest with yourself and do what is true to you.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't necessarily disagree with anything on your list, I think it's a good set of traits to look for, but I agree with RC that I'm not a big fan of check list dating, and I think it's probably the single biggest problem with dating right now.

[IfonlyIknew]

What do think? And why?

 

 

 

I'm going to say you're a man, a very experienced man that has had his fair share of naggy, emotionally unstable women on a serious note, I think this is an ideal list. I don't have a list on paper rather it sits in the back of my mind.

[Kempeitai]

I simply bristle at lists. I have a back ground in sociology, and find that no “list” can ever account for all of the variations in human nature and our perception.

 

What other serious or potentially serious trait do you think I am missing?

 

People are complex, as are our interactions with them. We all tend to wear various “faces” the person I am with my husband, it not the exact same person I am at work, or even with friends. The compatibility between people makes a huge difference as well.

Certainly, we can only go on what we know and see.

 

“Easy Going” for instance – someone could be extremely easy going with a compatible person, and yet be a critical nag with the wrong match. And these things aren’t black and white. Easy going – compared to, what? The Dude from Big Lebowski?

Well, I am only referencing the interaction between two people dating.

 

When I met my husband in his early 20’s he wasn’t particularly fiscally responsible. He has struggled with depression at times. Selflessness? I’ll clue you in, for me at least, yes its great to have someone who doesn’t always think of themselves – but on the other hand, I prefer it when someone DOES place a priority on their needs. 50/50 is great, but “at least” 50/50? Eh, I don’t like always being deferred to.

I do not advocate people getting married in their early 20's. We all were probably not the most responsible in those young years. If you are the type that is completely selfless and wants to please your man 24/7 then I suppose this criteria wouldn't apply to you. However, most people I know do not want a one sided relationship. Needs to be some give in take from both sides. 50/50 is a nice median to where neither side should feel resentment.

 

“Good person” gees, talk about subjective.

Not really subjective. We know them when we see them. Well, I do. Can't really talk for everyone here, but I suspect most people can tell the difference between what I mentioned above and someone who is kind and considerate to others.

 

Curious – what is your dating history? What is your current status (married / single / divorced) and how long was your longest relationship?

 

My advice is on dating success is to work on being an excellent communicator. Become an expert on reading people and judging character. Be honest with yourself and do what is true to you.

Spent my 20's casually dating, traveling the world, and having fun. Hit the big 30 this past year and priorities have changed. Moving to a new country in 4 weeks and I am finally ready to start serious dating and looking for a suitable match to settle down with.

 

Don't care how good of a communicator my S/O is if she is missing some of my baseline requirements. But generally speaking, communication is very important in a relationship. I kind of take it for granted to be honest. I am the kind of person who speaks my mind and wants to discuss matters. Not ignore them or keep them bottled inside. Probably should add that to my list as well. Although I am not sure that is an auto termination of relationship just because the girl isn't the most talkative about certain things. If she can keep things to herself and it doesn't affect the relationship then it would be fine. For some this isn't the case. I would be cautious of this though. You ideally want great communication on both ends about everything.

 

Fully agree with reading people and character. Although, lets be honest. A lot of people simply are not good at reading people. And certainly not when they fall in love.

 

As for your S/O, seems the only current flaw from my list was that he has some depression from time to time. Slight depression from time to time wasn't really what I had in mind when I wrote #5. Was thinking more serious things. Hell, I think everyone feels down from time to time. I hope your S/O is able to control those issues. However, it is possible it could manifest later into a more serious problem affecting yalls relationship.

Edited December 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Kempeitai]

I don't necessarily disagree with anything on your list, I think it's a good set of traits to look for, but I agree with RC that I'm not a big fan of check list dating, and I think it's probably the single biggest problem with dating right now.

 

I think the biggest problem with dating is people do not have the depth of standards they ought to and ignore personality / compatibility flaws which lead to unhappiness and divorce.

[RecentChange]

Your “list” is fine, personally I have never felt the need for one, but I tend to follow my mind more than my heart.

 

I couldn’t imagine falling in love with someone who was a “bad person” or was super selfish, or abusive, or addicted, or controlling, or super needy, or super jealous, or struggling with extreme mental illness, or not sexually compatible. I wouldn’t consider any one with those traits for a FWB, let alone a long term relationship.

 

If you need a list to stop you from perusing someone that displays those sorts of qualities, I would say you have some serious issues, and most likely aren’t mentally healthy enough to have a stable relationship. I agree, there are people who choose to turn a blind eye to such things. They tend to also have self-esteem issues, desperation issues etc.

 

As for me, I suppose both my husband and I “make the list” for the most part. Been together 15 years now, and are happier than most couples we know.

[BlueIris]

What do think? And why?

 

 

I think you're a guy.

[Kempeitai]

Your “list” is fine, personally I have never felt the need for one, but I tend to follow my mind more than my heart.

 

I couldn’t imagine falling in love with someone who was a “bad person” or was super selfish, or abusive, or addicted, or controlling, or super needy, or super jealous, or struggling with extreme mental illness, or not sexually compatible. I wouldn’t consider any one with those traits for a FWB, let alone a long term relationship.

 

If you need a list to stop you from perusing someone that displays those sorts of qualities, I would say you have some serious issues, and most likely aren’t mentally healthy enough to have a stable relationship. I agree, there are people who choose to turn a blind eye to such things. They tend to also have self-esteem issues, desperation issues etc.

 

As for me, I suppose both my husband and I “make the list” for the most part. Been together 15 years now, and are happier than most couples we know.

 

How many people do you know who have married or been with said people?!? I don't know about you, but I know a lot.

 

While this is common sense for some, for many it aint. They need to be reminded of it and have it in print.

 

I don't need any list, it is all in my head. I will automatically detect and terminate a relationship if any of those issues are not accounted for.

 

It appears you have a solid head on your shoulders and your S/O checks most of my list. So, I suspect you in turn will have very good chance at a long healthy, happy marriage.

[Lorenza]

After reading through your checklist, I've made a conclusion that I'd probably condone the lack of 6), 8) and 10)

 

6) Easy going - I wouldn't describe it the way you do. "Easy going" for me is someone relaxed in manner and attitude, especially in social situations. It's a kind of a synonym of "extrovert" to me and I think I'd do fine with an introvert.

 

8) Not needy - after three RL with severely detached men, I'd like to experience some neediness, haha. Maybe not the polar opposite of the men I've dated, but... it sure must feel nice to be someone's biggest priority!

 

10) Not jealous - ah, a sip of jealousy is a nice spice to the RL soup. When it's only spicy enough to tickle to tongue, it can be yummy! To be honest I hate men who never feel or show any jealousy. Not that I try to induce it, but seeing a little shadow of it on a man's face and voice (him trying hard to hide it and failing!) is sexy to me. And it doesn't have to mean he's insecure, just... instinctual. JMO!

[RecentChange]

I guess my point is that people do not fail at relationships because they fail to make a list.

 

They fail because they aren't happy / mentally stable / ready for a deep relationship when they enter into one.

 

There is a reason why some seem to find abusers over and over, or always go for controlling jerks, or get into codependent relationships.

 

Is it because they didn't consultant a list, or because they have bigger, personal issues to work on?

[Kempeitai]

After reading through your checklist, I've made a conclusion that I'd probably condone the lack of 6), 8) and 10)

 

6) Easy going - I wouldn't describe it the way you do. "Easy going" for me is someone relaxed in manner and attitude, especially in social situations. It's a kind of a synonym of "extrovert" to me and I think I'd do fine with an introvert.

 

8) Not needy - after three RL with severely detached men, I'd like to experience some neediness, haha. Maybe not the polar opposite of the men I've dated, but... it sure must feel nice to be someone's biggest priority!

 

10) Not jealous - ah, a sip of jealousy is a nice spice to the RL soup. When it's only spicy enough to tickle to tongue, it can be yummy! To be honest I hate men who never feel or show any jealousy. Not that I try to induce it, but seeing a little shadow of it on a man's face and voice (him trying hard to hide it and failing!) is sexy to me. And it doesn't have to mean he's insecure, just... instinctual. JMO!

 

Yea we have different definitions for easy going. So what would you call an introvert who complained about every little thing and liked arguing?

 

You can feel being a priority without neediness in my opinion.

 

I think most people get jealous, its when that jealousy causes arguments and resentment and trust issues in a relationship is when its a problem.

[Kempeitai]

I guess my point is that people do not fail at relationships because they fail to make a list.

 

They fail because they aren't happy / mentally stable / ready for a deep relationship when they enter into one.

 

There is a reason why some seem to find abusers over and over, or always go for controlling jerks, or get into codependent relationships.

 

Is it because they didn't consultant a list, or because they have bigger, personal issues to work on?

 

Sure some people fail for what you pointed out. But many fail because of those issues I brought up.

 

Say a guy cheats and the girl forgives him, truly believes he has a changed heart and gives him a 2nd chance. That wouldnt mean necessarily she isn't happy, not mentally stable or ready for a deep relationship. Then down the road she finds out he is having an affair. She just simply settled and didn't have high enough standards. She made a mistake. We all do in one way or another. Point is, you don't want to be making these easy mistakes in a marriage or serious relationship.

[Lorenza]

Yea we have different definitions for easy going. So what would you call an introvert who complained about every little thing and liked arguing?

 

You can feel being a priority without neediness in my opinion.

 

I think most people get jealous, its when that jealousy causes arguments and resentment and trust issues in a relationship is when its a problem.

 

Well, if you check "easy going" in a dictionary, it supports what I've said

 

What do you call a person who complains about every little thing and likes to argue? Umm a complainer? Petty? Generally a negative person? Not sure what this has to do with being easy going, but then again, you seem to have your own understanding of it.

 

I can only tell you when you can't feel being a priority - while dating a detached workaholic or a self-absorbed narcissist I'll take anything other than that (ok, not a sickly type of needy, but if a guy can't imagine his everyday life without falling asleep and waking up beside me - bring it on! I'll be happy. Haha)

 

Well, I did say just a spice of jealousy, didn't I?

[mikeylo]

OP, are you in a relationship that ticks all these boxes?

[RecentChange]

OP, are you in a relationship that ticks all these boxes?

 

It appears that the OP is 30, and has casually dated in the past - but has some how extrapolated what it takes to make a long term relationship work without having yet experienced one.

[Kempeitai]

OP, are you in a relationship that ticks all these boxes?

 

Only casually dated / FWB / ONS up through my 20's.

 

Just recently hit 30 so, time to start seriously dating and looking for the one.

 

Moving to a new country in 4 weeks. Primed and ready to meet as many women as it takes to satisfy my baseline requirements.

 

Wish me luck

[central]

I find lists very useful. More as a set of standards I have for how I want to live. The key - IMO - is that many items need a weighting factor for how important they are. Some are non-negotiable, while others have varying degrees of importance.

 

 

As for the example of someone easy-going - well, if they're easy-going with me, we're compatible, and if they're not, we're not. Very simple! I don't care - much - about how they are with most other people, as long as we're good together. Relativism.

 

 

Some things are largely intangible, such as "good person." Your version may not be mine, but mine would be someone who is ethical, compassionate, and kind. Each of those words has a whole spectrum of meaning, too, of course - but, I can quickly decide if someone meets those criteria for me.

 

 

And the only way to decide is to spend time with someone who seems to be compatible. Some people obviously aren't compatible at all - any one deal-breaker issue is a deal-breaker overall. So, even as specific and "picky" my list was, I met many good candidates who exceeded my wants - and one who still had some great surprises to offer.

[Kempeitai]

It appears that the OP is 30, and has casually dated in the past - but has some how extrapolated what it takes to make a long term relationship work without having yet experienced one.

 

I simply know myself and what I like, need and want.

 

As we pointed out most of those things are common sense.

 

Who wants an over the top jealous person? Who wants someone who maxes out every credit card they get? Who wants someone who can't get them off in the sack?

 

Pretty basic stuff tbt.

[Kempeitai]

I find lists very useful. More as a set of standards I have for how I want to live. The key - IMO - is that many items need a weighting factor for how important they are. Some are non-negotiable, while others have varying degrees of importance.

 

 

As for the example of someone easy-going - well, if they're easy-going with me, we're compatible, and if they're not, we're not. Very simple! I don't care - much - about how they are with most other people, as long as we're good together. Relativism.

 

 

Some things are largely intangible, such as "good person." Your version may not be mine, but mine would be someone who is ethical, compassionate, and kind. Each of those words has a whole spectrum of meaning, too, of course - but, I can quickly decide if someone meets those criteria for me.

 

 

And the only way to decide is to spend time with someone who seems to be compatible. Some people obviously aren't compatible at all - any one deal-breaker issue is a deal-breaker overall. So, even as specific and "picky" my list was, I met many good candidates who exceeded my wants - and one who still had some great surprises to offer.

 

Your good person is my good person. Ethical, kind, etc. You get the point. Generally speaking we know a good person from a bad person. With some slight variations maybe. But overall is the same.

[RecentChange]

It is very basic stuff. It is common sense.

 

And again, I am saying if someone doesn't have the foresight, fortitude and mental health to avoid these pit falls, no list is going to save them.

 

Those bad relationships you see, it's not because poor Debby never had a list. It's usually because Debby came from an unstable childhood, had an abusive controlling father, and is now subconsciously seeking the same sort of dynamics within the confines of a romantic relationship.

 

Ignoring red flags isn't about lack of lists, it's about how you feel about yourself, what you think you are worth and deserve, and what you have to offer.