Do you feel compassion for your OM's wife?

[jenkins95]

I never gave his wife a thought, to be honest.

 

During the A, for me, it was as though he had no connections with the rest of the world... all very affair bubble stuff.

 

Now the A is over, it's still the same, only he has left the bubble. Sometimes I question whether he really existed at all. It seems like he only lived in my imagination.

I think I am a danger to my own sanity at times.

 

Poppy.

 

Well if it's any consolation, you are not alone. I know exactly what you mean. I often question whether it really happened or if she really did or still does exist.

 

It does play with your mind, I agree

[freengreen]

I did feel bad that I was in middle of them. Its not a place to be. Why I chose to be that way for 8 months, I dont know, I feel guilt about it.

 

Right now, after 8 weeks of NC, I hope I work on t all my issues with my husband and they too. I do feel fantasised about him, even now but I vow not to take these kind of things further.

 

People get into these for wrong or right reasons. But I for this life, wont go back into that. I should have never been there in the first place.

 

Peace.

[Joie]

As a BS I personally find it very unlikely that any OW feels actual compassion. I think it is something that the OW says to make herself feel and sound better. 'Yes, I did a bad thing but I felt bad while doing it so feel sorry for me too. I feel bad so see I am not a bad person." Blah, Blah , Blah

 

I just don't buy it. I think the OW that say I didn't care about the BS are at least being honest.

 

BS's get hit on. Married men flirt with us. We have opportunities to cheat. We don't. Do I think that make me a better person, yup. So, I don't want or need compassion from the OW. I can already hold my head up high.

[Poppy47]

Well if it's any consolation, you are not alone. I know exactly what you mean. I often question whether it really happened or if she really did or still does exist.

 

It does play with your mind, I agree

 

Jenkins,

 

I think it is akin to how the mind will handle the death of a loved one. If we continued to feel the intensity of the grief, we would go mad.

 

Time truly does take care of our pain.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

I had bought this hypnosis thing to help me stop thinking obsessively about xmm. It made some really good points. Your mind knows how to forget, or else you would be overwhelmed with thoughts. I mean, for me, I can't remember things about him anymore - specifics of what he said, we talked about, dates, things we did, etc. Like you said, it's like a movie I saw long ago. I remember the plot line but not the particulars. It feels like it was another lifetime.

 

I'm guessing this is how he felt all year, which is why it was so easy for him to move on. I don't even feel bad typing that anymore. I feel...nothing. As if I was writing about someone else.

 

Blue,

I remember it all because I knew him for a really long time. It just takes something to trigger really personal memories of him now.

 

Poppy.

[goodyblue]

I certainly didn't have any compassion for her during the affair. I have more now, but I still think she failed as a wife just like he failed as a husband to her.

[Tayla]

I feel compassion for any human that is deceived involuntarily.

 

OW/OM are not in that category.

 

So that leaves the person who was "in" the marriage while the other stepped out.

[aileD]

I feel compassion for any human that is deceived involuntarily.

 

OW/OM are not in that category.

 

So that leaves the person who was "in" the marriage while the other stepped out.

 

....and their children

[seren]

I much prefer the brutal honesty of Coco than the, it is all over and now I am thinking of the BS. Not all marriages pre affair are happy, sparkly places, a lot are really that bad, but not bad enough IMHO, to excuse having an affair as a band aid, better to leave than have an affair and drive a BS around the twist while gaslighting goes on.

 

As a BS, I felt empathy for the OW, mainly because she kept saying she knew my H, she knew I was stopping him from contacting her. I just thought, nope, you don't know who he is in the real world at all, his conflict avoidance is part and parcel of him, I know that and I accept that this is who he is, for all manner of reasons. The empathy for her happened after all her attempts to scupper reconciliation and do the silent phone calls, drive by's and far, far worse. I still didn't hate her, I felt sorry for her. I am sure she didn't want my pity, no more than I wanted or, to be frank, needed hers. I feel sorry for anyone who is prepared to accept the treatment AP's get from the WS. It is because most BS's refuse to accept bull**** behaviour that WS do so much to hide the affair and keep the marriage going. Most BS would not accept such behaviour.

 

I much prefer the honesty of someone who says it as it is rather than be apologetic after the fact. I often wonder if an AP could have a window into the marriage when an affair is taking place if they would or could continue in the enabling gaslighting, or be shocked at how much love and affection is still showed by the WS, we aren't stupid, we would notice if anything was too different, it is why we are so often blindsided. As much as an AP views the BS as an interloper in the A relationship, the BS also sees the AP as an interloper, we aren't supid enough to think they were dragged kicking and screaming into the A, but we also get to hear the WS and see the WS do and say all they can to stop us leaving. For that I feel empathy for the AP, they get spun a future based upon what is happening in the affair bubble, the BS, once they know about the affair, makes their decisions based upon what they know and how they know the WS to really be.

 

In all affairs there will be people who hurt, there are no winners, just losers. If any of my friends were AP's I urged them to tell the WS to leave the marriage and then come find them and to never enable another to cause hurt. It is ironic how many having an affair will say they couldn't trust the AP to not do the same to them, or that they do not value anyone who helped them to wreak destruction. It is hugely hypocritical, but it is often how it is. I keep my empathy for the children where one of their parents is in an affair, they are the casualties, no matter how careful the parent is, the children pick up on the tensions, get to see the BS break down, or have to lose parent time with the AP while they meet the OM/OW. It is as simple as saying, sort out your crap at home, then come find me. That is an AP that I feel empathy and admiration for.

[noelle303]

At the time of the affair I didn't feel compassion, or I did a little bit in a very superficial way, but not nearly enough to stop.

 

Now I very much do. She was truly the only innocent party and we did her wrong. It doesn't help that I've seen that she's a really good woman and she's gracefully and maturely accepted my daughter in her life. If she was a raging b**** it would be a lot easier to convince myself that the affair was justified, but this way I know there's no excuse.

[SolG]

TBH in the first three years of the A I thought it wasn't really a big deal. My limerant self thought we're so in love, and he and his W 'obviously' aren't... isn't this 'right'? I took everything at face value. Until I didn't and landed here at LS.

 

And then once we explored the rewriting of history to enable As, I hated his W from time to time. He'd deliberately expunged the feelings for his W at my expense. He'd told her he was no longer in love with her. Been to M counselling that concluded that they should no longer be together... and he stayed anyway. Then admitted to me he still loved his W and I hated her wholes scale. I loathe that part of me.

 

Now, since she knows and we are semi open... I do feel far more empathic. I get that she's mourning monogamy. I know how that feels now.

[Adoraxx]

I can't say that I feel compassion for the W.

I know her personally as well and I don't like her one bit and that doesn't have anything to do with xMM, because I wouldn't have liked her either if xMM wasn't her husband. She is very rude and controlling and very selfish on top of that.

 

Do I feel bad about the A... of course I do, but I find it hard to find compassion for her because of the above reasons.

[Whoknew30]

I was married & he had a gf...I never felt bad for her.

 

I know I'll get bashed for this but...no one will ever convince me that it's an AP fault. I believe that's it's the WS fault 100%! There aren't spells & no one put a gun to their head to have an A. It's like saying, "no one would be an addict if drugs didn't exist"...that's a complete cop out by BS IMO...there wouldn't be A if the spouse didn't cheat, point blank.

 

I think it's actually kind of irionic in a way that some BS wanted more respect from the AP than their own spouse. The BS saying "I get hit on & say no" you do it bc of you love your spouse, which is what it should be...not bc you were thinking about the person hitting on you spouse...unless you personally know their spouse.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Whoknew30
Soe

[Furious]

If a spouse is willing to cheat then it's not far fetched that the person they cheat with has the ability to not feel compassion for the person being cheated on.

 

Sometimes the affair partner is vulnerable, or the affair partner is at a point in their life that all's fair in getting their needs met. Cognitive dissonance and compartmentalization is the usual in the dynamic of an affair.

 

It's sad how in the affair dynamic the elephant in the room is rarely examined. There's so much conjecture, judgement and a litany of he said she said, most often it's a dance around believing what is "true" through a one sided lens provided by the WS spouse.

 

The "compassion" question is much more complicated than a simple declaration. There are so many layers in all people who enter affairs and compassion is only one of the many layers that leads to introspection and it's often in hindsight that most people find clarity.

[Maddieandtae]

My following post isn't directed at anyone here, it's more an observation about my own life experiences.

 

I've learnt that having judgement on others lives regardless of their circumstances will be a downfall to your own personal life. Not having compassion for people will see no compassion from people when your own downfall happens. I know this because I lived it.

 

I thought I was a good kind person. I was not, I fell long and hard. It's lonely in that bottomless pit.

 

Clawing my way out was equally long and hard.

 

I will never live again without compassion.

[NTV]

As a bh, I couldn't care less about what the om feel about me. Their emotional status means about as much to me as the price of dog poo in Turkey. If they had told me about the affair while it was on going that might be different.

 

From my point of view, nothing but no contact is desired action from them. Anything else means my ww is still on their minds and would be interpreted as an act of war. Letter of apologies would be photocopied and left on their church pews. Voice mails forwarded to work associates.

 

If they could not give me the common decency of respect then I owe them nothing.

 

I especially offer those two men no forgiveness. They should seek that from their respective wives. I have beat my desire for revenge but that doesn't mean I'd help if they were dying.

 

As far as you feeling something, I'm actually glad to hear it. For me it's hard for me to picture my W's ap as humans. Hearing this from you does at least convince me that some om or ow may be humans and not monsters. And that's how I felt for a long time.

 

It's easy for a bh to hate... like REAL hate. Conquering that feeling is difficult in ways you can't imagine unless you've been there.

 

I'm not sure what I'm saying helps you or not. Lol I just spent 20 mins typing it out on tiny smartphone keys so I hope it does.

[Lady2163]

I'm all over the map with my compassion. I have a 25 year gap of being the OW, but I was sedeced and groomed by a MM when I was a teen. That definitely warped my morals and way of thinking. I had several incidents with both MM and men who had girlfriends before I was 23.

 

There were two men who had secret girlfriends. I truly didn't know. One relationship ended probably a month after I found out (girlfriend came to his apartment after he left for work, I wasn't dressed when she walked in) simply because I felt I had a lot to offer and wasn't going to wait for him to make a decision any longer. The other relationship lasted a while longer because his girlfriend/exgirlfriend/best friend "forgave" me, but I was never the same after I found out. If he would cheat on her, and he thought the world of her, I knew he couldn't be trusted.

 

So, I do feel bad that we were all notches on a post with the same manipulators.

 

I've been single a very LONG time. Around 20 years. It's hard to meet a good man and connect with them. I'm sure men would say the same about women.

 

So, when I see a husband or wife who is selfish, neglectful or even abusive to their spouse I really do wince inside. If they only knew they will be hard pressed to find anyone else to put up with their crap. I knew a guy who was a jerk of a husband (but not a cheater). Sure enough, his wife has an exit affair and she divorces him. He couldn't get second dates for probably over a year. Then he did a change and was charming and finally got a woman to stick around. It took him a while longer before he figured out he had to bring his A game all the time. He has since apologized profusely to ex wife and is a good husband to his second wife.

 

If as the potential BS spouse, you want to be distant, focus on your hobbies, be more involved with your kids than your marriage, sabotage your partner, suck in the bedroom, refuse sex, refuse to pleasure your spouse, spend too much money, drink, gamble, do drugs, exclude your spouse from your thoughts and your stories, practice a bait and switch on your spouse and consistently be a bad mate, then I have no compassion for you, male or female.

 

Because I know what is out there in the eligible dating pool.

 

Many of the OW and ex-OW on here are involved (or were formerly involved with) men who are basically good guys, but had lousy home lives.

 

Not all - some WS are just dogs, cake eaters and conflict avoidant.

 

I know this causes eye rolls, but I believe exMM when he said sex was rare and very vanilla. I know he thought about divorce about 30 years ago. But then wife had a miscarriage, both her parents died in less than a year and just about the time he was ready to have "the talk" she was four months pregnant. He knew exactly when their last child was conceived as it had been four months since they had sex.

 

Now, on one hand, he totally knew that the sex life was going to suck when he married her. He did think she would relax some over the years, but that didn't happen. He also knows he's never been able to give her a "great" orgasm. Good ones, yes. Great ones, no.

 

He married her because he knew she would be a good wife and mother. Conversely I think she married him because he would be a good father and provider. I think she actually married him because she knew he wouldn't be too forceful or demanding in he bedroom. I've always felt they both sort of,settled, but haven't had bad lives.

 

Now, all that said, some of the stories he told me kind of made me internally shake my head. I don't quite understand the pushing of the envelope and passive aggressive bull she pulled. He never really complained or maligned her, just sometimes you can see things when you're on the outside looking in.

[eye of the storm]

My MM's BS is who she is. I have no clue if she is/isn't nice. I do know she is smart. Smarter than my MM gives her credit for being.

 

I remember, years ago, when she quit her job. MM was confused but unconcerned. When he asked her for a divorce and it came out that she knew about me, the timeline clicked. She found out about me and then quit her job.

 

Because of the amount of time they had been married and if she was long time unemployed he would have to pay more if they divorced for pretty much forever. Smart.

 

For me, it is no longer important. He chose her (don't care why). But you have to respect that kind of commitment. Well played BS, well played.

[goodyblue]

My MM's BS is who she is. I have no clue if she is/isn't nice. I do know she is smart. Smarter than my MM gives her credit for being.

 

I remember, years ago, when she quit her job. MM was confused but unconcerned. When he asked her for a divorce and it came out that she knew about me, the timeline clicked. She found out about me and then quit her job.

 

Because of the amount of time they had been married and if she was long time unemployed he would have to pay more if they divorced for pretty much forever. Smart.

 

For me, it is no longer important. He chose her (don't care why). But you have to respect that kind of commitment. Well played BS, well played.

 

Haha!! Smart.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I wish I had had some kind of compassion in the beginning and I think I had some (small measure) but once the affair really took root I was able to compartmentalize all of that compassion for both BS and my husband. I told myself so many lies and my entitlement for happiness I thought I deserved grew. The only thing I begin to care/worry about was if MM and I would end up together and how we were going to get there.- That is IT. No lie- NOTHING else mattered during that entire year.

 

Had I felt compassion – had I had even a shred of empathy for my husband or BS I think I could have walked away but all of that was easily buried beneath what I thought I deserved and what I felt I was lacking in my own marriage. I also felt I deserved it because ‘the love we had was different and love like that didn’t’ come around every day’. Insert Eye roll.

 

 

It is easier to have empathy for someone when you have walked in their shoes. I have never been a BS but I have felt the pain of an affair and honestly no one wins- nobody walks away from an affair a winner. You walk away changed – some better some worse. I wish I could have had empathy to stop myself from playing such a huge part in changing 7 people (kids included). I wish I had realized the only person who needed changing was me.

[RecentChange]

Dang, you know, before LS – I really had no idea how A typical my affair was. Sometimes I feel like perhaps I should call it a “fling” instead of an affair.

 

Compassion for his wife? For the most part I just avoided thinking about our betrayed spouses at all. But, occasionally it would hit me, and I would feel bad for her. I remember thinking once, she is so lucky, such a HOT husband – and then immediately remembered, oh yeah, but he is cheating on her less than two years after their wedding (while she pursued her doctorate no less). Maybe not so lucky.

 

I knew she didn’t deserve it, her husband said exactly that, and never once said anything at all negative about her.

 

I would rationalize it with if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else.

 

You see, our affair wasn’t full of emotions, certainly had NOTHING to do with love, and we didn’t lie about our spouses.

 

I said things were good with my husband, and that I really didn’t have any good reason besides I was bored, in a bit of a rut, that I was selfish and I liked the attention.

 

He said the same, said that his wife quote “didn’t deserve this” but that he was being selfish, questioning if one person could really fulfill all the needs of another, basically wanted to be a cake eater. That the attention made him feel good, and differently about himself, just as it did for me.

 

We said these things to each other blatantly. We agreed that both of our relationships were good, that our sex lives were fine, that…. We wanted to be greedy and didn’t want to resist the sexual attraction. It was also explicitly stated that emotions would be kept out of this – before I EVER agreed to take things further, I told him how I had FWB in the past, and was a pro at compartmentalizing, and I wanted assurance from him that he could do the same.

 

We never pretended to have feelings for each other, but rather said “I like the way you make me feel about myself”.

 

So there was no need for lies. For stories of villainous spouses – we just avoided talking about our spouses completely, and that made it a lot easier not think about her.

[noelle303]

 

So there was no need for lies. For stories of villainous spouses – we just avoided talking about our spouses completely, and that made it a lot easier not think about her.

 

My situation was pretty similar to this. We never spoke of her and I wonder if that made it harder for me to even see her as a person and feel sorry for her predicament?

 

In the rare moments when we would mention her, it seemed like she was perfectly normal, nice and a good mom. They were in your typical marriage snag with two toddlers and responsibilities, but not unhappy. I was 19/20 and incredibly cocky, self-indulgent, saw no reason to deny myself something I wanted and basically all about fun and excitement.

 

I sometimes wonder what kind of a person I would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant and things didn't implode the way they did with xMM. Would I ever feel compassion for her and would I become someone who is a serial OW or a serial cheater if I hadn't been forced to grow up and re-evaluate myself and my actions.

[RecentChange]

^^^^ Yeah, I am not going to pretend I am some sort of good person. I still can't say I have a lot of compassion for her. I still feel like it's something he did to her, rather than something I did. I still think it would have been someone else, heck maybe there were others, maybe there have been others since.

 

I had a D Day, I don't think he did (but unsure due to NC).

 

I have empathy for my husband, and still feel like I am the villian, not the other man.

 

It was never about her, or what she had or hadn't done, she was collateral damage, as was my husband.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My situation was pretty similar to this. We never spoke of her and I wonder if that made it harder for me to even see her as a person and feel sorry for her predicament?

 

In the rare moments when we would mention her, it seemed like she was perfectly normal, nice and a good mom. They were in your typical marriage snag with two toddlers and responsibilities, but not unhappy. I was 19/20 and incredibly cocky, self-indulgent, saw no reason to deny myself something I wanted and basically all about fun and excitement.

 

I sometimes wonder what kind of a person I would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant and things didn't implode the way they did with xMM. Would I ever feel compassion for her and would I become someone who is a serial OW or a serial cheater if I hadn't been forced to grow up and re-evaluate myself and my actions.

 

Noelle, I read your threads and I have to say, I am humbled and quite impressed at your strength and the maturity you displayed going through your pregnancy and life in general. I'm a lot older than you and I could not imagine dealing with the things you dealt with and are dealing with, having your daughter with xmm. My son is 5, same age as your daughter, and I could not imagine him spending the weekend with xmm and his BS after the way he treated me. My hats off to you woman.

[jenkins95]

Absolutely brilliant HCBM.

 

Could have written this myself almost word for word the same.

 

Demonstrates the "fog" and the mind-warping effect of being in an affair as the betrayer down to a tee. As an addict, when you need that fix, you will walk over anyone and anything to get it. Other people's hurt (including your kids) becomes collateral damage. It is a dreadful place to be -so glad you and I are out of it now HCBM.

 

I wish I had had some kind of compassion in the beginning and I think I had some (small measure) but once the affair really took root I was able to compartmentalize all of that compassion for both BS and my husband. I told myself so many lies and my entitlement for happiness I thought I deserved grew. The only thing I begin to care/worry about was if MM and I would end up together and how we were going to get there.- That is IT. No lie- NOTHING else mattered during that entire year.

 

Had I felt compassion – had I had even a shred of empathy for my husband or BS I think I could have walked away but all of that was easily buried beneath what I thought I deserved and what I felt I was lacking in my own marriage. I also felt I deserved it because ‘the love we had was different and love like that didn’t’ come around every day’. Insert Eye roll.

 

 

It is easier to have empathy for someone when you have walked in their shoes. I have never been a BS but I have felt the pain of an affair and honestly no one wins- nobody walks away from an affair a winner. You walk away changed – some better some worse. I wish I could have had empathy to stop myself from playing such a huge part in changing 7 people (kids included). I wish I had realized the only person who needed changing was me.