Husband critical, controlling, miserable

[VeveCakes]

All abusers are sweet and wonderful at first, it's part of their game. My ex-H did the same with his 2nd wife, he swept her off of her feet for a couple of years but once she was under his roof he became controlling and abusive.

 

Exactly. There was no reason for my husband to be an emotionally abusive ass either but yet here he was. Good house, great job, financially stable. I was totally in love with him and treated him with respect and affection all the time. He was just miserable in his own right. Not until we divorced did the lightbulb go off and he was finally going to get counselling. Too late though.

 

OP I had the same pattern of picking abusive men. I recommend therapy, to help asses your patterns of choosing partners.

[Gaeta]

Isn't ODS controllable? This is a physical condition in which water accumulates in the head? There is no physical or mental disability coming with this right?

[LynnJen]

Isn't ODS controllable? This is a physical condition in which water accumulates in the head? There is no physical or mental disability coming with this right?

 

I don't what you mean about water in the head. He is high strong. He is a tough kid. But it is very unlikely he has any disabilities. Because of my husbands insistence we are having him evaluated but neither me, the pediatrician or any of his grandparents thing there's anything wrong with him that structure and firmness wouldn't correct. He is very emotional but I can often see a direct correlation with how Dh is acting and how ODS is acting. He throws tantrums but if I leave him be he gets over it in a few minutes. Dh's oldest child was a very easy baby and toddler, so he didn't expect the more challenging ODS but I feel like you deal with it. Even if he did have a disability that's his child, he needs to adapt to him. It's not like he's running around like a maniac all day.

[whichwayisup]

I do realize we are fast approaching the end of things don't change. I can't raise my kids like this, and I can't take much more.

 

I do love my husband though and would really rather stay together. I realize to some degree he is who he is, but is there anything I can do?

 

Marriage counseling! You have two kids so it's worth the effort for you both to give your marriage a shot.

 

He sounds unhappy overall, depression and anxiety isn't good he needs to seek counseling and possibly be on meds so he can feel better.

[LynnJen]

He is. He is so unhappy. It makes me sad for him that he can't enjoy his life at all. I have suggested he seek help but he won't. But he is willing to go to at least one marriage counseling session to start.

[preraph]

I guess you didn't know at the time that you married a big child. He's no help. He's a liability, and he's making your life and your kids' lives miserable! Divorce him and let him pay child support if you keep the kids with him only occasional visits OR if make HIM take joint custody whether he wants it or not and learn how he has to GROW UP! Which leaves you time to work and date and have a life. Those are the choices. Either way, you're stuck with him because you had kids with him.

[LynnJen]

I appreciate everyone's advice. In a lot of ways it makes me feel better and validated that so many of you take this so seriously. Sometimes it's hard to see these things clearly when you're in them. I'm going to give marriage counseling a try. I'm not willing to live like this forever. If I don't see some improvements soon I'm going to consult a lawyer.

[SunnyWeather]

You might also consider looking into getting your career kick started again. Being out of the house, having a life separate from him again might shift the balance of power. It would also give you more options if you decide to separate from him.

 

I don't think I will ever put myself in a position again to rely on a man to have sole responsibility over finances. And, allowing yourself to live in a home that you don't have your name on the deed also is precarious. I can't believe he would allow this with you being the mother of his children. He's got all the power and thus a free pass to behave this way. shameless.

 

I hope counseling helps, but honestly, it's a crap shoot to think one session will help. It might, but there has to be a shift in your behavior too, meaning not allowing him to be a bully to you and the kids--ever-- and shifting the power inequality by becoming even a little bit independent again.

 

Do you have a support system around you? Other moms, family? That would also be helpful, imo. His behavior needs to be outed

 

good luck!

Edited December 29, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[AllyStrass]

I am sorry you don’t feel appreciated in your home. It can be discouraging when you feel you are doing your best and not getting credit from the one person you desire credit from!

Have you and your husband been able to have a calm conversation where you can talk about how you feel and where your husband is coming from? I know sometimes these kinds of conversations can always turn out to be arguments, rather than productive conversations. Have you thought about seeing a counselor as a couple? Counselors can usually assist with how to communicate so both sides feel heard. Even if your husband doesn’t feel it necessary, it may be helpful for you to see someone who can further help in how to handle these situations and get that extra support you need.

Also, I know that life can be really busy, but have you and your husband talked about going on a date sans kids? Sometimes getting away and remember to focus on just the two of you for a night or two could do wonders for your relationship- more time to talk and just be with each other. They even have marriage retreats you could go on to help direct the weekend in focusing on talking and working on your marriage.

 

I know it seems like a really difficult environment to be in. It was wise of you to reach out for help! You aren’t alone. You’re working hard to protect and care for you kids. You have amazing strength and perseverance.

[LynnJen]

You might also consider looking into getting your career kick started again. Being out of the house, having a life separate from him again might shift the balance of power. It would also give you more options if you decide to separate from him.

 

I don't think I will ever put myself in a position again to rely on a man to have sole responsibility over finances. And, allowing yourself to live in a home that you don't have your name on the deed also is precarious. I can't believe he would allow this with you being the mother of his children. He's got all the power and thus a free pass to behave this way. shameless.

 

I hope counseling helps, but honestly, it's a crap shoot to think one session will help. It might, but there has to be a shift in your behavior too, meaning not allowing him to be a bully to you and the kids--ever-- and shifting the power inequality by becoming even a little bit independent again.

 

Do you have a support system around you? Other moms, family? That would also be helpful, imo. His behavior needs to be outed

 

good luck!

 

That is actually on my radar. I have an infant who I need to wean from breastfeeding. He doesn't take bottles. Then I'll have to go from there.

[SunnyWeather]

That is actually on my radar. I have an infant who I need to wean from breastfeeding. He doesn't take bottles. Then I'll have to go from there.

 

great! you can start investigating job leads, get your resume in shape, etc. put out feelers. If anything, it will get your mind off this horror show and you back in the driver's seat. This attitude/energy shift will prob benefit the children too who are no doubt reacting to the vibe in the house and around mommy and daddy

 

and look into support networks, other career moms etc., and maybe family too. try not to be so isolated!

Edited December 29, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[LynnJen]

I am sorry you don’t feel appreciated in your home. It can be discouraging when you feel you are doing your best and not getting credit from the one person you desire credit from!

Have you and your husband been able to have a calm conversation where you can talk about how you feel and where your husband is coming from? I know sometimes these kinds of conversations can always turn out to be arguments, rather than productive conversations. Have you thought about seeing a counselor as a couple? Counselors can usually assist with how to communicate so both sides feel heard. Even if your husband doesn’t feel it necessary, it may be helpful for you to see someone who can further help in how to handle these situations and get that extra support you need.

Also, I know that life can be really busy, but have you and your husband talked about going on a date sans kids? Sometimes getting away and remember to focus on just the two of you for a night or two could do wonders for your relationship- more time to talk and just be with each other. They even have marriage retreats you could go on to help direct the weekend in focusing on talking and working on your marriage.

 

I know it seems like a really difficult environment to be in. It was wise of you to reach out for help! You aren’t alone. You’re working hard to protect and care for you kids. You have amazing strength and perseverance.

 

I missed this comment earlier. We are going to try marriage counseling. We have had many conversations, some of which it really seemed like he really heard me. When we first got married he had some worse traits that he has managed to overcome. One of the reasons I have always felt we could work out anything is because he has always been willing to try. But we've been in this long season of things not getting better and him not seeming to be willing to own these issues. I'm going to start trying to arrange date nights. We.'be talked about that before and he thinks that would help. The man genuinely does like me despite how he acts, he likes spending time with me. He gets very angry and frustrated, more than he should I think, when the kids make it impossible for us to even have s conversation. There are a lot of reasons I want to be with him. I've actually come up with a pretty solid starting point.

[Taramere]

I missed this comment earlier. We are going to try marriage counseling. .

 

Marriage counselling sounds like an excellent idea. When you're in conflict with somebody a lot, it's easy to start getting entrenched in approaches that fuel drama. This:

 

He's an ass. I've tried fighting back. I've asked him repeatedly if he wants to be married to me and why he can't even be nice to me.

 

isn't so much "fighting" as it is allowing yourself to step into victim role in response to somebody's persecuting behaviour (which constant nagging and criticism is). It's natural to take up that role, in those circumstances, but it won't help you resolve these conflicts. I would say that with the above quoted example, what you're doing is attempting to appeal to his conscience (or sense of guilt) to resolve conflict. Doing that won't resolve conflict. It might elicit temporary guilt and bad feelings, but those bad feelings will ultimately just help to fuel further conflict. I don't mean any of that as a criticism...just as an observation.

 

I think it's sometimes too easy to read over somebody's problem here and dispense the "just leave them" advice. If he were being violent then yes, that's a huge issue that would place you and your children at risk. But what you're describing here seems like something that's worth trying to address in marriage counselling before taking a measure as drastic as divorce. The ground for divorce is, after all, irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. From what you're saying, you're not at a point where you believe the marriage has broken down irretrievably, and therefore counselling seems like the right step to take.

 

In a best case scenario, marriage counselling will assist better, more reasonable communication between the two of you. Your husband may well be far less reasonable than the average person, but there are probably aspects of your own communication style and handling of conflict that can be improved. Most of us can use improvement in that area.

 

Even if counselling doesn't save the marriage, I think it's likely that both of you would gain something valuable from counselling. So long as violence isn't a feature in this marriage, I would be inclined to at least try going down that marriage counselling route. From the sound of it, you're married to a particularly difficult guy (I'm not going to call him sociopathic, narcissistic or any of that - but the constant, wearing-you-down nagging and laziness about his own role in the household sounds pretty difficult by any person's standards).

 

If you are to have any hope of making this marriage work, you're going to have to learn some sterling conflict management skills. Better than the average person has, or is willing to develop. And it might be that you develop those skills, and he carries on just being an ass. Well, at least if you walk away at that point - you'll walk away with some very valuable life skills. That's probably better than just walking away right now, and learning nothing in the process of walking away except "there's another failed marriage under my belt".

 

But I say all this on the understanding that violence is not a feature of this marriage.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Taramere

[whichwayisup]

You have to give marriage counseling a chance and time for the counselor to convince him to seek therapy for his depression. This isn't going to change over night so don't expect after a few sessions to make a huge difference. You're thinking of filing, how long are you willing to see how things go? Weeks, months?

[LynnJen]

I'm not really thinking of filing. I really don't have one foot out the door. I want my marriage to work. There's no time table on this. I am considering going back to work sooner than my husband would like me too. For several reasons. I think getting out of the house and being able to communicate with other people would be helpful for me and my self esteem. I think him being the only adult I talk to most days makes his negativity have a much bigger inpact. Also there is in the back of my mind the desire to have a little bit of financially security. All of our finances are combined but even so at least I'll feel more comfortable incase I do ever get to the point of that i have to make the decision to end things.

 

To PP; there is no violence in our marriage. Dh does have quite a temper but it's never crossed that line and I doubt it ever would. Although it may not sound like it Dh is all about respecting women. I'm definitely going to call about counseling. We can probably afford 1 session a month. This group does all types of therapy so maybe the therapist will recognize Dhs need for therapy for his depression. I own a small business, I might start trying to focus on that a little more so maybe we can do more sessions.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm not really thinking of filing. I really don't have one foot out the door. I want my marriage to work. There's no time table on this. I am considering going back to work sooner than my husband would like me too. For several reasons. I think getting out of the house and being able to communicate with other people would be helpful for me and my self esteem. I think him being the only adult I talk to most days makes his negativity have a much bigger inpact. Also there is in the back of my mind the desire to have a little bit of financially security. All of our finances are combined but even so at least I'll feel more comfortable incase I do ever get to the point of that i have to make the decision to end things.

 

To PP; there is no violence in our marriage. Dh does have quite a temper but it's never crossed that line and I doubt it ever would. Although it may not sound like it Dh is all about respecting women. I'm definitely going to call about counseling. We can probably afford 1 session a month. This group does all types of therapy so maybe the therapist will recognize Dhs need for therapy for his depression. I own a small business, I might start trying to focus on that a little more so maybe we can do more sessions.

 

 

I think from what you have posted, especially the part where things are still good in the bedroom, I believe you have a good chance at getting this turned around...

 

As a guy, its just a hunch, but I think he's burnt out and tired(work) ...Hence the irritability and passive aggressiveness..I'm not minimizing the role of SAHM, its huge and we did that with our daughter, but when you are carrying all the load for the finances and bills, it can wear you out over time..I think even though money may be tight, maybe plan a vacation where he(and you as well) can get away from the grind and relax a bit....Maybe without the kids, if you have someone close that you can count on to watch them..

 

Just a thought....Good luck...

 

TFY

[Popsicle]

Definitely getting back to work will be a good start. It will make things clearer.

[elaine567]

Fine, get marriage counselling but you need to stop him screaming and yelling at your son. NOW.

[Sometymeswhy]

Your husband has difficulty coping with the stress of providing and probably hates his job. He also doesn't respect your stay at home status.

Counseling may help but it would also help take the pressure off if you went back to work. Your kids will do fine in preschool and you won't feel so trapped. You can express you breast milk if you have to. Or put him on formula.

Then your husband will be forced to get up with the children and help around the house. Or he can stay home with the kids and find a job he likes. Also should it come to divorce you will have a means to support yourself and get on with your life without him.

[Downtown]

Whenever I try to look up how to handle stuff like this the word "narcissist" comes up a lot. He truly thinks our son is to blame for the way he acts.

LynnJen, perhaps your H is a narcissist. That is NOT what you're describing here, however. Whereas a narcissist is unable to love, you describe him as a man who seems to genuinely love you and the kids. Whereas a narcissist typically is very stable, you describe him as being so emotionally unstable that he throws hissy fits and tantrums around his own young children. Whereas a narcissist has a grandiose self identity of being a special and nearly perfect man, you describe your H as a man who is convinced he is "The Victim" and blames you -- and even your two-year-old -- for every misfortune.

 

If your H does have strong traits of a personality disorder, the one that seems closest to the behaviors you describe is BPD (Borderline PD). Those behaviors -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. Moreover, these behaviors may be due not to BPD but, rather, to a temporary flareup of depression and anxiety, as you suspect.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been married for 3 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

He's very hard on our 2 year old. He looses his temper with him a lot. Screams at him. Last night he told him that he, 2 year old, was the reason he was so miserable because he was throwing a tantrum.

It sounds like they BOTH were throwing a tantrum. If your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), he likely has the emotional development of a 4 year old. This is why BPDers are unable to regulate their own emotions and end up throwing temper tantrums when under stress.

 

I think he has a serious depression problem and he suffers from anxiety.

You may be correct that he is exhibiting only a temporary flareup of depression and anxiety -- problems that could disappear when stress is reduced. Yet, having anxiety and depression does not rule out BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that, for male BPDers, 80% of them also suffer from a mood disorder (e.g., depression or bipolar) and 81% also suffer from an anxiety disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I did not recognize these things before we were married.

If he is suffering only a temporary flareup of anxiety and depression, the reason you didn't see it earlier was that he did not have the stress at that time of raising two additional children. Similarly, if he really does exhibit strong BPD traits, it is unlikely they would have appeared during your courtship period.

 

During courtship, a BPDer's infatuation convinces him that you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness. In that way, his infatuation holds his two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. When that infatuation starts evaporating, however, both of those fears return and you will start triggering them.

 

I'm going to give marriage counseling a try.

MCs are very good at teaching communication skills. Hence, if you believe that a lack of communication skills is the primary problem, MC could be very helpful. Moreover, a MC may help you persuade your H to seek help for the depression and anxiety.

 

Yet, when a man is unable to realize that his two-year-old is not the cause of his own unhappiness and his own tantrums, his issues may go far beyond a lack of simple communication skills. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the 3 kids are dealing with. Perhaps it is a temporary flareup of anxiety and depression, as you suspect. Or perhaps it is moderate to strong BPD traits.

 

I remain skeptical about BPD because, if it actually is involved, there are several symptoms you should have seen but have not mentioned here. Because a BPDer has a great fear of abandonment, you likely would have seen that fear manifested as an irrational jealousy and repeated testing of your love and loyalty.

 

And, because a BPDer has a great fear of engulfment, you likely would have seen him creating arguments -- over absolutely nothing at all -- so as to push you away following periods of intimacy to give him breathing room. Although BPDers typically crave intimacy like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long. They quickly start feeling suffocated and controlled, as though they are losing themselves into your strong personality.

 

Moreover, because a BPDer lacks the ability to regulate his own emotions, you likely would have seen strong evidence of a lack of impulse control. Did your H have a serious problem with drinking, drug abuse, gambling, spending splurges, binge eating -- or another risky behavior? I ask because you say he had "some problems" early in your R/S that he has managed to overcome.

 

Because these types of typical BPD behaviors are missing from your description, I suggest that -- while you're looking for a good psych or MC -- you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you and your children avoid a painful situation -- and may help you decide whether your situation warrants seeking professional advice from a psychologist. Take care, LynnJen.

[eye of the storm]

I had flashbacks reading your post. 18+ years. I still have issues I work on from my M. There was nothing I could do to please him. Nothing.

 

M: what do you want for dinner H: I don't care M: chicken H: nope we had chicken yesterday M: pork roast H: you always want pork roast M: what do you want then H: I don't care.... This was the conversation Every. Single. Night. And before you wonder why I asked, well if I just cooked without the above conversation I was accused of never asking. People at the grocery store witnessed more than one panic attack a week in the store.

 

He would walk in and had a path thru the house he would travel looking for something to yell about. We all dreaded him coming home.

 

My kids both have issues.

 

My therapist told me once that if in the very beginning I put my foot down and stated calmly but firmly that behavior was unacceptable I would either have been in a better marriage or I would have been divorced before it got so toxic every doctor I saw for anything (acne, nausea, headaches,...) all prescribed antidepressants. Which drove my now xH nuts. I didn't need anti-depressants. According to him I needed meds for (acne, nausea, headaches,...). Every doctor I saw looked at me and saw a horrifically depressed woman.

 

My xH still blames me for his being unhappy in our M. He still says he had As because I was not a good wife.

 

You cannot make a miserable person happy. It is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon and a sand box. It is impossible. And you will kill yourself trying.

 

Worse, you will damage your children trying.

 

I am sending you strength. You need it.

[Els]

Is he at all willing to do anything to improve things? MC, personal help, maybe hiring a cleaner if he absolutely needs the house 100% spotless with 2 young children around?

 

I dunno, OP, the situation just sounds plain wrong to me. Yes, you are a SAHM, but that doesn't give him carte blanche to behave in that manner. My grandmother was a SAHM all her life, and not once have I ever seen my grandfather criticize or yell at her or complain about the house. A few of my friends are SAHW/Ms as well, and they wouldn't tolerate the sort of behaviour you are tolerating from him either.

 

Yes, it's stressful to singlehandedly support a family, but while that might excuse the occasional grumpiness (same as how you are allowed to occasionally be grumpy if your child kept you up all night), it doesn't excuse the constant criticism that you mention being on the receiving end of. Similar to how it would be wrong for you to constantly complain and criticize him just because he's not bringing back as much money as other breadwinners might.

 

I won't say leave right away, but he needs to at least be able to admit his fault and make an effort at changing, if you are to have any hope of salvaging this.

Edited January 1, 2017 by Elswyth