The Exclusive Talk

[KBob]

So I had a recent experience with dating a woman that I would like to hear people's thoughts on:

 

I started seeing a girl off of Tinder and the first date we instantly hit it off; lots of chemistry, laughs and almost everything in common, right down to little details like things we'd done around the world or even what kind of couch we had.

 

Over the course of three more weeks we saw each other four times, talked every day, even on the phone, not just texting, and were very into each other. We'd had one serious talk a week in (second date) about her going travelling in the near future (six months from now) for six months and whether or not a relationship would work during that time, which I found out the apprehension from her side was about being cheated on by an ex in a long distance relationship. I explained I wouldn't do that, and as a major traveller myself, if we were in a relationship I would without a doubt come meet up with her on her trip. Ultimately she said wanted a relationship but wanted to get to know each other first. This was also followed over the next two weeks by having very deep and intimate discussions with each other, more than I ever have had with a woman by even three months. And by date four we had sex, which was great.

 

Then one night we inadvertently got on a talk about us, and I decided that I felt enough for this girl to bring the exclusive offer to the table. She told me that she was talking to another guy and felt it was too soon to put a label on things. I explained that I'm not a guy that can separate emotions from sex when I feel a connection with a woman, and that if it was important to her to keep seeing that guy, that she should go do that but leave me out of it. And I said I wasn't saying I wanted to call her my girlfriend just yet, I just wanted monogamy to truly develop things.

 

Got my response the next morning: she still didn't feel like she could make a decision because she didn't know me well enough, but then went on to say that the idea of me as a travel companion was wonderful and went on to list some things she liked about me, then saying she was scared about "us" because it felt so easy with me and she was afraid to get into a relationship because her last one was so hard. Then she ended all of that by bringing up a point against me that she had been harbouring instead of talking about it when I had brought up the subject days earlier. And unfortunately that made me react defensively and I basically put my foot down about what I wanted in a more rude way than I wanted to be. That was followed by her becoming defensive and accusing me of trying to force things, and throwing it at me that I had been seeing other people (I called things off with a woman I had talked to sporadically after two dates weeks earlier) and ending things for good. A couple days later I did the right thing and apologised for my defensive behaviour. No response.

 

So while I believe this was purely a case of both of us being on the wrong page about our expectations of dating, I always look at these experiences as chances to learn and would appreciate thoughts and feedback.

 

Thanks!

[KBob]

She doesn't seem like she is into you if she wants to date other guys.

 

Definitely a possibility, and a fair one, but sometimes not that simple. You can look through threads on here and find quite a few women who simply won't commit in a short period of time no matter how much they like a man.

[umirano]

I've never been the one to suggest exclusivity, but if I were, and the woman declined, I'd be out.

[Gaeta]

She does not know you enough to be exclusive is a non sense. Exclusivity is not a commitment or a marriage it's an agreement to not date other people to concentrate on each other to get to know each other better.

 

Her refusal to be exclusive after a month is simply indicative she is not that into you. The right thing to do would be to drop her and move on.

 

When I was dating if a man didn't wish to be exclusive after 4-5 dates I would end it. I felt 4-5 dates or a month dating is plenty for a man or a woman to determine if they want to concentrate on you or not.

[leogirl876]

I've never been the one to suggest exclusivity, but if I were, and the woman declined, I'd be out.

 

Wow, I'm a woman and I've never brought up exclusivity. Call me old fashioned or just different, but I always thought the man should do that. I always thought men had a harder time committing, so if he brought it up, he was serious. I'd say give it a little more time with her, some people move slower. In the meantime, back off some without expectations and give her a little more time but don't be too available and act like a boyfriend. I wish more men out there could not separate emotions from sex, so if it doesn't work out in the long run with her, another woman will come around that'll be happy to have you.

[KBob]

I agree with what people are saying, and it was over right after that conversation. I said I wouldn't continue if she was dating other people and I meant it. I don't agree with continuing things if you want different things, it only leads to hurt feelings.

[Art_Critic]

That sucks.. she was also having sex with the other guy too if she wasn't ready to do a monogamous relationship.

 

I'm of the type that feels once bodily fluids have been exchanged and I've left my DNA with her I am monogamous at that point and am also exclusive at that point, I don't expect the talk to happen or for her to be exclusive at the same time I do but that is just how I roll.

 

Good for you for sticking to your ideals.

[KBob]

It's not a guarantee that that was the case, she said they wrre talking, but it doesn't really matter anyways. I went back to the 2 date girl and we've been hitting it off, so everything happens for a reason.