fishman3226 Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Hi all. Got an interesting situation that I would like some thougth about. My partner of two years recently had her father down. We are living together and have done for about 12 months and also are going to have our first child in Sept. Now we have alot of debts from the past - some $35000 worth of loans, credit cards and so on - which with only one wage coming in soon is a rather daunting task. We have something like (initially) $16000 worth of assets (comprising a motorbike and two cars) that we could use to offset the loans and reduce soem debt. Anyways, along comes her father (and i do NOT blame him) and offers to help us out by giving us something like $12000 toward a new car - my GF's car is in need of some work and mine is 15 years old - me thinks - cool - sell one car, the bike and put the money toward the loans and about 2/3 of them are gone - debt reduced and more manageable. Noooooooo......... she goes out without me and looks into cars. OK, no car bought - but decides this is the way to go regardless. Mind you, my loan is a big part of the debt (something like $20,000) but i also am staying at work and so on to cover her $15000 soon and the money was given to her. What annoys me is that this car has now been bought, sight unseen by me and so on - and now the debt still remains. The other car was used as a trade in - and a better car bought - I dont know (and to be honest dont want to know) its make, model, hell even its color. I can also only drive an auto yet I fully believe that it will be manual. I am now supposed to be happy about it and not be annoyed that a huge amount of debt remains for a car that in essence will sit in the drive for 6 months until she goes back to work - and half of the hours she was doing before. I am supposed to cop all the debt now and clear it up completely - and in the process support her and the child with minimal input from herself. Part of this is also to help maintain her horse also. I feel cheated in a way and I think she is very selfish - she reckons it is a way to reduce debt - by spending some $12000 on a car whilst $2000 on her old car would have fixed it until all our debts are cleared up. No foresight and no planning. I am mighty annoyed to the point where I have seriously questioned wether she is in this for herself from go to woe - like the whole thing is a charade. I feel used i suppose, and also that she is selfish.
chaos70 Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Part of me hears some sort of warning siren. But you would have to consider that maybe the newer car is "baby safer". Now if baby wasn't the influencing that decision, then it would be clear indication that she doesn't see cohabitation equating to eventually marriage.
Thinkalot Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 chaos is right. This is not the behaviour of someone who views themselves as part of a team... If I acted like that, my husband would be very annoyed, hurt etc and rightly so! If he acted like that, I would feel exactly as you now do. I think your gf needs to start thinking about the two of you working TOGETHER if that is indeed what she would like into the future, in terms of marriage etc. People are different with how they handle finances, but we tend to see our income/debts as joint...we are a single unit financially (we do allocate some personal spending money to each other) and operate as such, and any large purchases require discussion between us. Talk to your gf about your feelings calmly and in a non angry way, and say these things to her...get a feel for where she would like things to head. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 You both are a team, decisions have to be made TOGETHER. Especially fiancial ones. You have every right to be angry about this. She only thought of what SHE wanted, not what was 'best' for you both and the upcoming baby. She better learn to stop, think things through, DISCUSS and INCLUDE YOU in this equation. Talk to her and let her know how that made you feel. Don't fight about it, just tell her it's serious and your opinion counts!
Thinkalot Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Yep- exactly. You need to sort things out like that now.
Author fishman3226 Posted July 18, 2005 Author Posted July 18, 2005 I mentioned about it last nigth and she was all sheepish - I think she knows she stuffed up. I am more than annoyed about it - and finding out for sure that the car is something I cannot drive - I am adament I want noting to ddo with it. I USED to feel guilty about looking at buying my own things (like I wanted a $60 router but thought it was too dear) now I think stuff it. If it is good for one then it is good for all. I told her that i view it (the car) a complete waste of money - mainly considering that this $15000 behemoth will sit outside and do nothing most of the time - and does not do anything for our finances at all. All it is is a nice big present for herself. I pointed out also that if my car dies we will be left without transport for the breadwinner - great idea. i also said that this kind of purchase makes me really think that she is in it for herself and not us.
SoftDrink Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 well, you're not married yet. make sure your own debts are taken care of and let her deal with hers, that's all. obviously baby expenses should be equal, but as for debts she had from before, screw it. let her deal with it, and see how fast she sells that stupid car when she's asked to pony up the dough or go to court for it, or wants to buy a house or something else. and does someone with this much debt and all these problems really need a horse?
Thinkalot Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 what excatly was her response? did she understand where you were coming from...say sorry maybe? does she want to act more like a team in the future? While it is all good and well to say, screw it, I'll do what you do then...it wont really help your longterm success as a couple, and as parents ..it wouldbe far better if you could actually reach a more positive agreement on how things will work in future. of course,if you cant, because she wont budge, well then you do need to protect yourself.
freebird Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 All I can say from being in the legal field for a long time is KEEP everything SEPERATE. This does NOT mean you don't love the person, BF, GF, H or W, just keep it separate or have a joint account set up for shared expenses. Keep your debt seperate so it can be traced to just you or just her. Bad to comingle - keep living as your single (financially that is.) It will be easier in the long run - especially because she looks like she as no concept of debt. Good luck!
Thinkalot Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 I this case keeping things separate makes sense.... but I dont think that is always the best way forward for a married couple. Especially when you get a case where one person earns a lot more, or where the woman stops working tohave kids...I think joint savings, as well as joint bill accounts can work really well if a couple has similar goals and is on the same page with financial habits etc.
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