Can a long-distance relationship be successful?

December 29, 2016

I have some friends who are in long-distance relationships, and they're successfully making it work. But that's also because they met while they were in the same city, dated for a while, and then moved apart some time later.

Recently though, I met a guy while on a trip. We spent about 3 days together. The attraction was instant for both of us. At the end of the 3 days, he told me that he wanted to keep in touch with me via phone/text/social media and all of that stuff. We've been communicating via phone/text pretty consistently for the past 5 months. He told me that he sees a future with me, and that he's determined to make this work despite the distance.

I really admire this guy's commitment, and my feelings for him are strong. But I don't know how reasonable it is to keep this going, considering that I long to see him in person everyday. He has plans to move to a city that's within driving distance from where I live, but that would happen only after a year and a half.

Do you have or do you know anyone who's had experience with this type of situation before? Is it likely that this kind of relationship will work?

December 29, 2016

He says he sees a future with you after 3 days? #redflag. And you won't close the distance for another year and a half. This screams side chick written all over. Don't waste your time. Move on.

Ah you might be right. Well, it was only after many skype dates that he told me he sees a future with me lol, but it does sound silly now that I think about it. He would move closer to me now if he could, but his job makes that difficult to do at the moment.

December 29, 2016

Ah you might be right. Well, it was only after many skype dates that he told me he sees a future with me lol, but it does sound silly now that I think about it. He would move closer to me now if he could, but his job makes that difficult to do at the moment.

but his job makes that difficult to do at the moment -- Of course, his job . . .

I recommend that you read the thread called "When It Rains It Pours". It goes on for hundreds of pages/posts and chronicles the difficulties of developing and maintaining a long distance relationship. Pour yourself a drink and grab a snack, it's a lot of reading but may be eye opening for you. It ended in heartbreak as do the majority of LDRs.

December 29, 2016

a year and a half is a long time from now.

December 29, 2016

For what it's worth...

I know a couple who met online. They were 20/25 when they met online. The woman was studying abroad and wouldn't be home for 16 months. They texted, called and talked on Skype daily (for hours every night). For nearly a year and a half they were committed to each other, even though they had never met each other. When the woman finally came home and they were together they were very happy. They moved in together something like 3 months after she came home. Now they have been together for 7 years. I'd like to say it was a love story, but it wasn't. They spent so much time chatting online that they created these ideals in their head. They thought they knew the other person but they really didn't. In person, neither could live up to the fantasy. They are in the process of separating, and have both said they would never do it again. Neither did anything wrong in the relationship. Creating a relationship online just doesn't work. They both realized that soon after meeting, but felt like they had so much invested that they had to try and make it work.

On the other hand, good friends of mine were together for 4 years and then had to live apart for 2 years. They lived on different continents, but worked hard to make it work. They have been together for around 15 years now. Their relationship lasted because they had a strong foundation before the distance.

December 29, 2016

I feel like you should definitely keep in contact with him if it's what you want to do. However, It'd be wise to shy against becoming exclusive until you both can come to an agreement on a proper meeting schedule or something in the future. A year and a half is quite some time, and if he's serious about closing the distance then I don't see what's so wrong in seeing how serious he really is. Just take it slow, don't move too fast (easier said than done). dpass makes a good point about living up a fantasy online. Try to progress things in visits.

December 29, 2016

On the other hand, good friends of mine were together for 4 years and then had to live apart for 2 years. They lived on different continents, but worked hard to make it work. They have been together for around 15 years now. Their relationship lasted because they had a strong foundation before the distance.

That is what is key.... having a strong foundation before the distance. My BF and I have been long distance for 3 years (almost 3 hours driving) but were living in same city for first several months in which we built a foundation. We've been able to keep and grow the relationship with regular visits (every other weekend and many months of every single weekend) all this time. We are both very invested and prioritize each other and the relationship to make it work.

December 29, 2016

If he didn't se a future with the OP he'd probably not be in an online relationship with her?

LDRs can work. My friend recently married and fathered a child with his former LD partner after six years of being apart. That said it's one of the very few that worked out in my experience. I know many more that didn't. That's not to say you have to nipp it in the bud. It can still be a rewarding experience even if you don't end up marrying.

Your case sounds extremely doable, in comparison with most LDRs that I've heard about, and the risks seem manageable too.

There's an LDR section with some great regulars, you should check it out.

Good luck

December 29, 2016

How far is this distance you speak of?

Sure LDRs can work, but their odds aren't high to begin with, and they get even lower if the two of you have no IRL history (or potential to spend more time together IRL before deciding). Realistically, you've only met him for 3 days. What do you know about him that makes you feel he is worth the investment that a LDR necessitates?

But yeah, to answer your question: they can work. I've done it, and I've seen others do it.

December 29, 2016

but his job makes that difficult to do at the moment -- Of course, his job . . .

I recommend that you read the thread called "When It Rains It Pours". It goes on for hundreds of pages/posts and chronicles the difficulties of developing and maintaining a long distance relationship. Pour yourself a drink and grab a snack, it's a lot of reading but may be eye opening for you. It ended in heartbreak as do the majority of LDRs.

Uh, I've read that thread, and from what I've seen, the distance was the least of the problems that that couple had. IMO if they had lived close to each other, it wouldn't have succeeded - in fact, it would've just ended sooner. That thread does not speak for all LDRs in the least.

December 29, 2016

I agree with Elswyth. Reading through that doorstop is likely not the best use of your time.

December 29, 2016

Uh, I've read that thread, and from what I've seen, the distance was the least of the problems that that couple had. IMO if they had lived close to each other, it wouldn't have succeeded - in fact, it would've just ended sooner. That thread does not speak for all LDRs in the least.

I didn't say it speaks for all long distance relationships. It does, however, highlight the additional difficulties. Most LDRs that start out as LDR fail. The LDRs that are likely to succeed are the ones that started more "local" and had the opportunity to get legs under it before the distance was added.

The pair in that thread certainly had problems that were not all about the distance. And, yes, it would likely have failed even if they were closer. That thread really highlighted how difficult it can be though.

December 29, 2016

How old are you 2?

When you see a future with someone you do not wait 1 year and a half to move at 'almost close' to them, you make concrete plans to be together. He could be searching for a job in your city right now, you could be searching a job in his city OR you both head to NY (or any other city of your choice) and make it an adventure together. Being in a LDR means one of you will have to uproot themselves for the good of the relationship. If you are not ready to do that than don't be in a LDR.

January 21, 2017

Thanks for the responses everyone! We've agreed to end the "relationship" for now. Maybe we'll get back together once one of us decides to move.