Carl2020 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I am 38 years old, male and 4 months ago left a woman that I went out with for 2 years, because we fought quite a bit, she didn't trust me. I ended up going out with a friend of my sister's and we clicked in the next few weeks after my breakup. We quickly fell for each other and have been going out and spending most of our time together ever since (August to now). Here is the issue. She is married, but her husband fell out of love with her, and is divorcing her. They seem to have come to some closure, she seems very into me. He was a great love of her life. I'm sure she would still be with him if he hadn't left her. I believe things started to go south in January 2015 and then fizzled out by June 2016. The are still Facebook friends and Instagram friends. I don't know if they talk but assume not? They were married 2 years and together 3. My question is, do I have anything to worry about here with her? She seems happy around me, and while occasionally introspective and reflective, I haven't had any sense that she is devastated (anymore). I seem to have a history of being with women who are recently broken up with or have broken up. The last couple have had feelings for their exes (although I broke up with them after 1-2 years eventually because of all the baggage issues this brought up for the relationship). The ex before my last told me that she was in love with her ex Michael. My recent ex event left me for a time to go back to HER ex but came back to me. The thing is, I am super happy with this new woman and I want it to work, especially given the troubles I've had before this. To top it off, I feel major guilt for breaking my recent ex's heart. I was deeply in love with her as well and feel terrible that i lost feelings and fell for another woman. Any advice here?
Redhead14 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I am 38 years old, male and 4 months ago left a woman that I went out with for 2 years, because we fought quite a bit, she didn't trust me. I ended up going out with a friend of my sister's and we clicked in the next few weeks after my breakup. We quickly fell for each other and have been going out and spending most of our time together ever since (August to now). Here is the issue. She is married, but her husband fell out of love with her, and is divorcing her. They seem to have come to some closure, she seems very into me. He was a great love of her life. I'm sure she would still be with him if he hadn't left her. I believe things started to go south in January 2015 and then fizzled out by June 2016. The are still Facebook friends and Instagram friends. I don't know if they talk but assume not? They were married 2 years and together 3. My question is, do I have anything to worry about here with her? She seems happy around me, and while occasionally introspective and reflective, I haven't had any sense that she is devastated (anymore). I seem to have a history of being with women who are recently broken up with or have broken up. The last couple have had feelings for their exes (although I broke up with them after 1-2 years eventually because of all the baggage issues this brought up for the relationship). The ex before my last told me that she was in love with her ex Michael. My recent ex event left me for a time to go back to HER ex but came back to me. The thing is, I am super happy with this new woman and I want it to work, especially given the troubles I've had before this. To top it off, I feel major guilt for breaking my recent ex's heart. I was deeply in love with her as well and feel terrible that i lost feelings and fell for another woman. Any advice here? You are re-bounding each other. You've been through this already. You have insight -- use it to your advantage and don't keep repeating history . . .
Author Carl2020 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 I guess I am worried about it happening again. So looking for tips. If I knew I wouldn't be here!
Redhead14 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I guess I am worried about it happening again. So looking for tips. If I knew I wouldn't be here! The tip is don't date people who are recently out of a relationship. That goes for you as well. You are fresh out of a relationship that you, yourself, say you are still experiencing guilt and emotions about. Until you have processed all that and have re-focused, you are not in a position to start another relationship and neither is she. You've seen it happen a number of times in your own personal experience -- that is now called insight. Use it. Don't jump into another relationship -- YET.
Author Carl2020 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 ...it's a little late for that lol.
Redhead14 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 ...it's a little late for that lol. Well, I'll look for you in the break up threads later . . .
emerald86 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I'm going to agree with the others, and say that rebound relationships are probably not a good idea. Recently, I dated a guy immediately after breaking up with an ex. And just before that, my ex had immediately gotten out of a relationship with another girl. Like you, I somehow also have this tendency to date people who are recently broken up. Neither of those previous relationships worked out, and I'm going to go ahead and say that if maybe they weren't rebound relationships, they would have been a lot better. With that said, I've heard of some rebound relationships that seem to have worked well. In fact, I'm dating a guy now who also just recently got out of a relationship---it seems that I haven't learned my lesson either But everything is going well so far. So my advice for you is, use your best judgement, but proceed with caution and watch out for any red flags.
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 (edited) Aren't most people who are really available on the rebound? Like, the people who have chosen to be single for a long time are probably avoidant? I don't know. Been reading my book too much! Edited December 29, 2016 by Ilovepizzalady
Author Carl2020 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 She should be divorced soon.
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 She should be divorced soon. That doesn't mean she will have processed the emotions, etc., associated with all that. Oftentimes, actually signing the papers brings up emotions again that the person thought they had dealt with. And, until those papers are signed, don't assume it's a done deal . . . We see it all the time, people tell themselves that they are ready to date during/after a relationship ends, only to find that at some point all the emotions they had actually been pushing down and distracting themselves from come to the surface again. You've experienced a couple of rebound relationships already. You know what can happen. Manage your emotions and expectations. You may find yourself dealing with your recent break up . . .
Purepony Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 His minds already made up he's looking for validation, I don't know why since he somewhere inside knows it probably won't last
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 She should be divorced soon. As Redhead says if they only split up in June2016, then there has been no time for her to process this at all. Also in some cases once the divorce is finalised, they then realise they are "free" and that can mean the end of any relationship they used as a support system to get them through the divorce. They think they can do better. Be very, very careful here.
BlackCherry Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Has she done or said anything to make you concerned she still has feelings for her ex? Some people are just really good at shutting the door behind them, nailing it shut and moving on. I got out of a 2.5yr R in late June this year, by mid July I had started dating (just to meet new people as I moved to a new city) and met an amazing guy I had started dating 'officially' by the end of August. Even I was surprised to meet someone so soon (my ex left me) but it's going strong so far, I literally never even think of my ex and I'm insanely happy with my new man. I know so many Rs that work out even if they've begun right after a break up or there's been a small overlap (e.g. relationship was on the rocks, one person kissed someone new and immediately told partner and they mutually broke up). I'm not convinced that the length of time between Rs is anything meaningful, so many factors are way more important like how you feel, how emotionally strong you are, how quickly you get over trauma. Barring any observable red flags I don't concern myself with how long someone has been single. If the bond is real and you have something special and are both single, it has a shot. Sure in an ideal world some might wish they'd met six months later but if you've met and had feelings now, it's happening now. Don't let worries make you delay starting something for an arbitrary period of time unless she's done something concerning! The ex still on social media would worry me though.
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