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Brought up the question

Minka101

By Minka101
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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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............m

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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I have posted about this guy before but here is a short summary. We went on few dates, had sex on third date. He was a good guy but didnt really keep in touch in between dates. Maybe once every two/three days. I asked him (via text) if he wanted something casual and he replied that there is chemistry between us and he wants to see where things go. Also, he was looking for something more meaningful (at least he claimed so). Two days later, after not hearing from him, I dumped him. He wished me all the best and that was it.

Today, two weeks later he contacted me. He apologized for being distant, and blames it on his hectic schedule (he is working on his PhD research right now and was trying to meet the deadline). Anyway, he asked me if I want to have dinner with him at some point. Do you think he is sincere and what should I do? I liked him, his is a nice, cute, educated guy and we had good chemistry. Our dates were 3 hours long every time.

olivetree Established Member

olivetree

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You could give him another chance and see if anything changes...

Like if he keeps in contact more between dates.

Keep sex off the table for now.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I have posted about this guy before but here is a short summary. We went on few dates, had sex on third date. He was a good guy but didnt really keep in touch in between dates. Maybe once every two/three days. I asked him (via text) if he wanted something casual and he replied that there is chemistry between us and he wants to see where things go. Also, he was looking for something more meaningful (at least he claimed so). Two days later, after not hearing from him, I dumped him. He wished me all the best and that was it.

Today, two weeks later he contacted me. He apologized for being distant, and blames it on his hectic schedule (he is working on his PhD research right now and was trying to meet the deadline). Anyway, he asked me if I want to have dinner with him at some point. Do you think he is sincere and what should I do? I liked him, his is a nice, cute, educated guy and we had good chemistry. Our dates were 3 hours long every time.

 

I have been completing my PhD requirements for the last few YEARS and have always had/made time to be with/talk to, etc., my SO and my children, and my friends and family. I have also been working, spending time on my photography hobby, and studying/posting on LoveShack which has actually been part of my research project . . . but I think I'm here more often than is really needed for that but I find it very interesting :)

 

He's full of sh*t . . .

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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I have been completing my PhD requirements for the last few YEARS and have always had/made time to be with/talk to, etc., my SO and my children, and my friends and family. I have also been working, spending time on my photography hobby, and studying/posting on LoveShack which has actually been part of my research project . . . but I think I'm here more often than is really needed for that but I find it very interesting :)

 

He's full of sh*t . . .

 

I know all of this.... and sending a text requires 10 seconds. But given that we were on maybe 5 dates total.... maybe I should see him again and see how it goes.

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purrrfectlyflawed Established Member

purrrfectlyflawed

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If you still like him then yes I think you should see him.

kidm Established Member

kidm

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I know all of this.... and sending a text requires 10 seconds. But given that we were on maybe 5 dates total.... maybe I should see him again and see how it goes.

 

He seems to me whoever was keeping his attention has fizzled out so he is circling back. Tread cautiously. If a man is truly interested, generally, nothing will keep him away. If he has to limit the number of times you meet, etc. he will definitely keep in contact regularly if he sees you as catch that he doesn't want to lose. He wasn't interested then and I doubt he has a sudden epiphany that you're the one that got away.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I know all of this.... and sending a text requires 10 seconds. But given that we were on maybe 5 dates total.... maybe I should see him again and see how it goes.

 

Go ahead. Just observe. If his communication pattern continues and you're not liking it, move on.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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Early on in dating people come up with all kinds of reasons and can be preoccupied. You are just dating so you could go out with him again and again maybe bring up the kind of relationship you are looking for and see how it progresses after that date. I definitely would keep sex off the table unless you yourself are able to just be casual and wait for that again until things are progressing in a way that you are happy with. Probably keep sex off the table for a little longer next time if you are looking for a long term relationship.

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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He seems to me whoever was keeping his attention has fizzled out so he is circling back. Tread cautiously. If a man is truly interested, generally, nothing will keep him away. If he has to limit the number of times you meet, etc. he will definitely keep in contact regularly if he sees you as catch that he doesn't want to lose. He wasn't interested then and I doubt he has a sudden epiphany that you're the one that got away.

 

He might have been dating other women but he was generally available every day of the week. Sometimes, I would suggest Saturday to go out, next time Mon or Tuesday and he was ok with it. He definitely wanted to keep me there for more than one night stand, because he made few references regarding future (like the movies we should watch next, books he wanted to give me to read and he even asked me if I would consider "being on a pill" at some point in the future).

But he definitely wasn't smitten by me and that is why I am curious now why he bothers.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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From what you've written, you two went on 3 dates total and he went AWOL after having sex with you on that 3rd date.

 

I'm not seeing anywhere that this was anything more than a casual involvement--certainly not a relationship, especially in the absence of having that discussion. He may have gotten what he was after on date 3... and now, it looks like he's trying to tap into that again.

 

I don't think this is going to pan out to a relationship... he's not showing enough interest in you. People who are juggling far more than he is make time for what is important to them and they certainly make room for whom they consider to be important enough to not want them to get with someone else.

 

See him if all you want is no strings attached sex.. ain't nothing wrong with that as long as you know that's all you're in it for. But if you're after way more, I'd look elsewhere. He's shown you that's he's more than capable of dropping the ball when it comes to way more with you and dropping you off at the mall when he's gotten what he was after.

OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

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I know all of this.... and sending a text requires 10 seconds. But given that we were on maybe 5 dates total.... maybe I should see him again and see how it goes.

 

 

Above is a very common mistake. There is no reason to suggest anything will be different this time around. The only thing that has changed is time. I think that exactly the same thing will happen again, it may take a little longer, but it will happen.

 

I believe this is one of the reasons why people become fed up of dating, they keep on inviting the same problem back into their life against their better judgement.

 

I bet somewhere inside of you is a voice telling you this.

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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From what you've written, you two went on 3 dates total and he went AWOL after having sex with you on that 3rd date.

 

I'm not seeing anywhere that this was anything more than a casual involvement--certainly not a relationship, especially in the absence of having that discussion. He may have gotten what he was after on date 3... and now, it looks like he's trying to tap into that again.

 

I don't think this is going to pan out to a relationship... he's not showing enough interest in you. People who are juggling far more than he is make time for what is important to them and they certainly make room for whom they consider to be important enough to not want them to get with someone else.

 

See him if all you want is no strings attached sex.. ain't nothing wrong with that as long as you know that's all you're in it for. But if you're after way more, I'd look elsewhere. He's shown you that's he's more than capable of dropping the ball when it comes to way more with you and dropping you off at the mall when he's gotten what he was after.

He did not get AWOL after sex. He actually texted me the same day I left in the morning and then again the day after suggesting some fun future stuff we could do. Then he asked me out again and when we slept for the second time we had breakfast in the morning and spent 3 hours talking.

I am very careful about this guy, but the only thing he did wrong is he did not get in touch with me every day. But that how he was from day one when he texted me on OLD. He would get in touch to set up a date and then nothing till he had to confirm it. Basically, nothing changed after we had sex, if anything texting got little better but not what I wanted.

I am not sure if that is enough to completely shut him down.

Pill Established Member

Pill

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I have been completing my PhD requirements for the last few YEARS and have always had/made time to be with/talk to, etc., my SO and my children, and my friends and family. I have also been working, spending time on my photography hobby, and studying/posting on LoveShack which has actually been part of my research project . . . but I think I'm here more often than is really needed for that but I find it very interesting :)

 

He's full of sh*t . . .

 

You know there is a pretty big difference between children, friends, family and a woman you met couple times at a bar.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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You know there is a pretty big difference between children, friends, family and a woman you met couple times at a bar.

 

Oh, I agree. But they didn't just meet a couple of times at a bar, they'd been seeing each other for a few weeks. A phone call or two wouldn't have put much of a dent on his busy schedule. He's not interested in her. He's just keeping her on a string.

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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Redhead14, I think you are right about this guy. But if you read the previous posts, you were the one who told me I ended it too early and I would never know if he was interested. I guess I have another chance now (but no expectations).

 

Btw, he kept textung me yesterday, remembered every single detail I told him (I even forgot I mentioned certain things) and even said good night before bed. I know he is trying to make up for the lack of communication but it felt so weird and my replies were very brief, but I agreed to go put for dinner on next Tuesday.

Edited by Minka101
winny Established Member

winny

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Make him work hard and see if he is keeping up the communication. If you meet him then dont have sex.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Redhead14, I think you are right about this guy. But if you read the previous posts, you were the one who told me I ended it too early and I would never know if he was interested. I guess I have another chance now (but no expectations).

 

Btw, he kept textung me yesterday, remembered every single detail I told him (I even forgot I mentioned certain things) and even said good night before bed. I know he is trying to make up for the lack of communication but it felt so weird and my replies were very brief, but I agreed to go put for dinner on next Tuesday.

 

You have created this mixed "thing" you have going now. But, since you like him enough, go ahead and see what happens because, frankly, you won't rest until you do.

 

You told him you needed more communication, etc. He's doing that now to reel you back in. See how long it lasts. Will he push you off the plate again when things get "busy"??? Observe. He's back at square one now. He keeps good communication, he continues to schedule proper dates and don't go home with him on Tuesday. Keep sex off the table for a little while.

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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

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Make him work hard and see if he is keeping up the communication. If you meet him then dont have sex.

 

Yes...yes...yes! Did I mention "yes"? This...plain and simple. ^ GL, OP.

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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Redhead, you commented about my situation in another post. :)

So, you are saying that since I accepted his invitation for dinner he knows I wont enforce boundaries.

Tbh, I don't feel like excited to see him. It looks too me like too much effort (on my part) for someone who had a chance and ruined it. I will see how I feel next week. I might cancel it.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Redhead, you commented about my situation in another post. :)

So, you are saying that since I accepted his invitation for dinner he knows I wont enforce boundaries.

Tbh, I don't feel like excited to see him. It looks too me like too much effort (on my part) for someone who had a chance and ruined it. I will see how I feel next week. I might cancel it.

 

Yes, you ended things with him because you weren't happy with his level of communication. Now, you're entertaining contact from him after 2 weeks. That's contradictory.

 

You told him you were unhappy with communication and ended it. If he wanted another chance, he had the information that could facilitate that. If he simply realized the error of his "ways", let's say, he wouldn't wait 2 weeks to reach out to you again. That's just stupid when he knows you wanted more communication . . . He accepted that you were ending it graciously, even, instead of saying "hey, I can and will do better with communicating. I didn't know how much or how little you liked . . . or something similar.

 

Tbh, I don't feel like excited to see him -- why would you be excited? You were stressed out in the beginning because he didn't communicate well and you haven't seen or spoken to him in 2 weeks. Your "connection" died. He wasn't very connected anyway and it's unlikely that's going to change. You're just showing him that he can come and go as he pleases and you'll put up with it.

 

It is too much effort for such a short dating scenario. It's not like you're trying to save a "relationship".

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Minka101 Established Member

Minka101

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Yes, you ended things with him because you weren't happy with his level of communication. Now, you're entertaining contact from him after 2 weeks. That's contradictory.

 

Tbh, I don't feel like excited to see him -- why would you be excited? You were stressed out in the beginning because he didn't communicate well and you haven't seen or spoken to him in 2 weeks. Your "connection" died. He wasn't very connected anyway and it's unlikely that's going to change. You're just showing him that he can come and go as he pleases and you'll put up with it.

 

It is too much effort for such a short dating scenario. It's not like you're trying to save a "relationship".

 

I know, but I thought, it is maybe a scenario where I say I am not happy the way things are and instead of letting go, he apologized and decided to try harder this time.

But, on the other hand if he wasn't excited to talk to me every day when we started dating, why would he be interested now. He is "just not that into me" i guess and that is probably the reason I am not excited.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I know, but I thought, it is maybe a scenario where I say I am not happy the way things are and instead of letting go, he apologized and decided to try harder this time.

But, on the other hand if he wasn't excited to talk to me every day when we started dating, why would he be interested now. He is "just not that into me" i guess and that is probably the reason I am not excited.

 

it is maybe a scenario where I say I am not happy the way things are and instead of letting go, he apologized and decided to try harder this time.

-- I might agree if he said he'd try harder the day you tried to end it or a couple of days, maybe. Not this long.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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it is maybe a scenario where I say I am not happy the way things are and instead of letting go, he apologized and decided to try harder this time.

-- I might agree if he said he'd try harder the day you tried to end it or a couple of days, maybe. Not this long.

 

He waited long enough for you to get over being upset about the communication/forget how it felt and let him back in. Kinda like a woman having a baby . . . it was painful but has more kids because she kinda forgets about the pain each time :) Babies are worth the pain anyway . . . not a guy who wasn't really doing "it" for you start with.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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And, instead of ending it, you should have just had the conversation about communicating when he did eventually call you.

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