Brought up the question

December 30, 2016

OP, I think these will not be issues in the future if 1) you don't have sex with someone until you're in an explicitly exclusive relationship and 2) you continue to date others until you're in an explicitly exclusive relationship.

You're having sex too soon and therefore getting way too invested way too soon.

December 30, 2016

Sorry - I posted before I saw that you ended it.

I think he dodged a bullet, frankly. There shouldn't be this much anxiety or game-playing in a relationship.

I wasnt playing games. I was on the phone when he asked that question. It was a friend I hadnt heard from in a while and we were on the phone for exactly 3 hours.

And he does reply immediately, he just doesnt get in touch with me very often. If anyone was playing games it was him.

December 30, 2016

OP, I think these will not be issues in the future if 1) you don't have sex with someone until you're in an explicitly exclusive relationship and 2) you continue to date others until you're in an explicitly exclusive relationship.

You're having sex too soon and therefore getting way too invested way too soon.

I understand that but I dont think that sex here was a problem. He asked me over to his place on a third date (he didnt care if that would scare me away). Given that he didnt really text me in between dates, I thought he only wanted sex and I was like "ok, fine, he is not into me and I am never going to hear from him again." But, I did hear from him again, he wanted to see me more but it didnt seem like he was putting too much effort. I have already described how our communication was in the last two weeks (after having sex).

December 30, 2016

Redhead, that is the problem. I don't think he was going to bail. When I left on Monday morning he asked to see me again (didnt specify time and date but mentioned it). The problem is he doesnt put a lot of effort. He wants to have my company (not necessarilly for sex) but doesnt seem he is much into me. So, esentially, we would be dating casually until someone better comes along (for him).
He, either was playing games and following stupid rules or he is just not interested. After our first date, it took him 3 days to contact me. No "thank you" no "I had a good time" nothing (I didnt text these things either). He asked me out for a second date and again nothing in between. Actually, when he texted 4 hours before the second date to confirm, I got annoyed and didnt even want to go so we had to reschedule. He did a better job next time.

Here are some pros and cons that confuse me:
Pros: he asks me out on dates, he asks me questions about myself and some questions regarding future -like if I would be willing to live on the West Coast or East Coast (he is considering moving there in few years), we went out for breakfast after sex and spent 3 hours just talking at the breakfast place, he kisses me a lot when we are together in his apartment and often asks how I feel during or after sex.

Cons: he doesnt really keep in touch (once every two days), he kisses me on the cheek when I am leaving his place (wtf is that), he asked me over to watch a movie on a third date and we ended up having sex.

Here is also the timeline of our texting after we had sex the first time. So, I went over to his place on Tuesday night. Wednesday morning he told me to text him once I got home (which I did) and he wish me a nice day. On Thursday, he texted to ask how my day was going and we exchanged few texts. On Friday, I texted him, he replied immediately and asked to see me. I had to work and declined. He then offer to either see me Sunday night his place) or Monday (local bar). I chose Sunday night. We had sex again. Had breakfadt on Monday morning. I hadnt heard from him at all, so I texted him on Tuesday night asking what he was looking for. He replied and then nothing again on Wednesday. And on Thursday, I finally had enough.
I am sorry for a long post but it was hard to explain how we communicated. It wasnt exactly every or every second day.

If a call every day is what YOU need as part of your early dating needs, then you just have to wait to find someone who does that for you. I never appreciated a man calling me every day when I've just started seeing him. It felt smothering, clingy, etc. When they come on fast and hard, they usually slow down to nothing fairly soon.

Anyway, you'll never know really now. If you rode this out, it would have been clearer. I think it may just have been bad timing for this one. Maybe, maybe not. Keep moving and manage your expectations and emotions for a little while when you have a new dating partner. If you're so bent up about him, it was best to move on, for sure.

December 30, 2016

I haven't heard you say much about how you feel about HIM. Did you fall for him?

December 30, 2016

I understand that but I dont think that sex here was a problem. He asked me over to his place on a third date (he didnt care if that would scare me away). Given that he didnt really text me in between dates, I thought he only wanted sex and I was like "ok, fine, he is not into me and I am never going to hear from him again." But, I did hear from him again, he wanted to see me more but it didnt seem like he was putting too much effort. I have already described how our communication was in the last two weeks (after having sex).

The problem is that sex increases feelings of attachment for women. I understand his communication was poor regardless of sex. My point is that you shouldn't really care that much only 3 weeks in. If you had not had sex yet and/or you were still dating others, his lack of communication would barely be a blip on your radar. You'd just naturally and organically move on without all of this angst that isn't necessary at this stage.

Dating is supposed to be fun. If it's not fun, you're dating the wrong guy. And if you're multi-dating and putting off sex, you're not going to get overly invested in the wrong person too soon.

December 30, 2016

I wasnt playing games. I was on the phone when he asked that question. It was a friend I hadnt heard from in a while and we were on the phone for exactly 3 hours.
And he does reply immediately, he just doesnt get in touch with me very often. If anyone was playing games it was him.

It was a bad idea to initiate a conversation about feelings/intent via text. He said as much, but went along with your request and answered your question. For you to then take 3 hours to reply is at best pretty unfeeling on your part.

He was in touch a reasonable amount for 3 weeks of dating. He was consistent in asking you out and seemed to maintain an appropriate level of contact. As someone else said, you should consider holding off on sex since it seems to induce anxiety for you.

December 30, 2016

I haven't heard you say much about how you feel about HIM. Did you fall for him?

I did not fall for him but I really wanted for this to work out because he was everything I wanted (unlike 90% of guys I meet online).

We had chemistry, he is educated, nice and good looking. Conversation part was great, we always had something to talk about.

December 30, 2016

Can anyone answer why he was giving me only a peck on a cheek when I was leaving after we spent the night together? It might not seem like a big deal for you LS, but it really bothered me.

From male perspective, does it mean he saw me as one night stand with no chance for a relationship?

December 30, 2016

As for the not texting much, when I date I hate getting to know someone by text, because it's so sterile and usually the conversation dries up and it's just weird beginning and ending. I think the next time I date I will just try to have phone conversations. At this point, I am back to the dating scene after a breakup and the last thing I want is someone texting me every day. maybe he recently got out of a relationship? It sounds like he is behaving like I am (having recently been heartbroken). If not, you're right he may just not be as communicative and interested as you yet. But sometimes it takes awhile.

December 30, 2016

I did not fall for him

Can anyone answer why he was giving me only a peck on a cheek when I was leaving after we spent the night together? It might not seem like a big deal for you LS, but it really bothered me.
From male perspective, does it mean he saw me as one night stand with no chance for a relationship?

Maybe he was aware that you were not interested in him in any meaningful way.

December 30, 2016

Can anyone answer why he was giving me only a peck on a cheek when I was leaving after we spent the night together? It might not seem like a big deal for you LS, but it really bothered me.
From male perspective, does it mean he saw me as one night stand with no chance for a relationship?

Well, we don't know that now because you pre-empted things. If you had just rode it out and never heard from him again, you would know the answer and not mind-f'ing yourself. We don't know why he gave you a peck on the cheek. One possible explanation, is the fact that men kinda get a little distant after having sex as a natural response to what I call "estrogen" overload. They pull back a tiny bit sometimes to regroup and re-testosterone themselves. Sure, it could have been a sign but I wouldn't assume anything based on that. Women get a little attached after sex. Most men do not equate sex with attachment. And, after having sex so soon, the emotional intimacy hasn't been built yet. Just because a guy has sex with you, it doesn't mean they are so attached to you. It's not the crowning event to signify that it is or going to become a relationship.

The time to have the conversation about what a guy is looking for out of his dating journey is before you have sex with them. And, it's simply to find out if they are on the same page in terms of dating goals as you are. Not to define the relationship at 3 weeks. And, if a guy says he's looking for a relationship for himself, you have to sit back and observe whether he dates you that way going forward. Guys can say that's what they want when asked and will say they do because they know that's what most women want. So again, it's on you to observe and be patient.

And, after you have sex, you can and should at least ask for exclusivity if you're interested enough to want to see him exclusively. You should have had an in person conversation with him shortly after the first time you had sex with him. "Hey, I enjoyed that night with you. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else right now". And, then, let him talk.

December 30, 2016

Maybe he was aware that you were not interested in him in any meaningful way.

I didnt fall for him after seeing him 4-5 times in total. I think that is normal. I didnt expect him to fall for me that fast either, but I was definitely intrested in him. I liked spending time with him and enjoyed talking to him

And I was interested in him in meaningful way. He is not only handsome but also very smart, yet not arrogant or close minded, and that is what I really like about him.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Minka101

December 30, 2016

I didnt fall for him after seeing him 4-5 times in total. I think that is normal. I didnt expect him to fall for me that fast either, but I was definitely intrested in him. I liked spending time with him and enjoyed talking to him
And I was interested in him in meaningful way. He is not only handsome but also very smart, yet not arrogant or close minded, and that is what I really like about him.

If this is true -- that you were interested in and attracted to him -- then you need to think about why you sabotaged the relationship before it even had a chance to get off the ground. Otherwise, you are likely to repeat these same behaviors in future potential relationships.

December 30, 2016

If this is true -- that you were interested in and attracted to him -- then you need to think about why you sabotaged the relationship before it even had a chance to get off the ground. Otherwise, you are likely to repeat these same behaviors in future potential relationships.

I know. It is partially, as I said, because of my past relationships, I got that false sense of entitlement (that guys have to be head over heels for me, otherwise I think they are not interested) and partially, because of my recently failed relationship, I feel insecure. Also, I am really busy, and if I am going to make time for someone, I want that person to be worth it. But, I cant skip steps... I feel horrible now.

Redhead, you were right, I should have waited. Maybe, it would turn out he wasnt interested, but at least, I would have known that. But, I was afraid, I would spend 3 months putting up with unacceptable behaviour

December 30, 2016

I know. It is partially, as I said, because of my past relationships, I got that false sense of entitlement (that guys have to be head over heels for me, otherwise I think they are not interested) and partially, because of my recently failed relationship, I feel insecure. Also, I am really busy, and if I am going to make time for someone, I want that person to be worth it. But, I cant skip steps... I feel horrible now.
Redhead, you were right, I should have waited. Maybe, it would turn out he wasnt interested, but at least, I would have known that. But, I was afraid, I would spend 3 months putting up with unacceptable behaviour

You are projecting out too far. Take baby steps and breathe.

December 30, 2016

I know. It is partially, as I said, because of my past relationships, I got that false sense of entitlement (that guys have to be head over heels for me, otherwise I think they are not interested) and partially, because of my recently failed relationship, I feel insecure. Also, I am really busy, and if I am going to make time for someone, I want that person to be worth it. But, I cant skip steps... I feel horrible now.
Redhead, you were right, I should have waited. Maybe, it would turn out he wasnt interested, but at least, I would have known that. But, I was afraid, I would spend 3 months putting up with unacceptable behaviour

Ok I think some people are being harsh on you here.

From my pov, this guy was not that interested in you. Yes you could have stayed quiet and rode it out, but your just be feeling insecure and uncertain the whole time while you wait to see if the relationship picked up.

If a guy really interested in you, you know. He be in contact, he be planning dates as he would not want some other guy picking you up. You would not be on here posting about this guy, you just know he liked you.

December 30, 2016

Ok I think some people are being harsh on you here.

From my pov, this guy was not that interested in you. Yes you could have stayed quiet and rode it out, but your just be feeling insecure and uncertain the whole time while you wait to see if the relationship picked up.

If a guy really interested in you, you know. He be in contact, he be planning dates as he would not want some other guy picking you up. You would not be on here posting about this guy, you just know he liked you.

That's how I felt too when I ended it. I dont want to waste my time and it shouldn't be that difficult, even in the beginning.

December 30, 2016

We are overanalyzing.

The guy simply did not meet OP's needs when it came to communication and affection - every person has different needs and I am sure there are many guys who would give her exactly what she needs. Why hang around this guy?

December 30, 2016

We are overanalyzing.

The guy simply did not meet OP's needs when it came to communication and affection - every person has different needs and I am sure there are many guys who would give her exactly what she needs. Why hang around this guy?

Yeah Winny, but I have to figure it out. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. If it is only a matter of communication, I should then relax. The thing is when I dont hear from a guy, I become insecure, I become convinced he doesnt care and usually end relationships. It is hard for me to distinguish between guys who dont text too much or need time to feel connection and guys who have zero interest.

December 30, 2016

Date around, don't sleep with anyone for a coupel of months

December 31, 2016

I dated a girl a few years ago that seemed to want to rush into a "Relationship" but I wanted to take things slowly and see where things went instead of being a "couple" too soon. I felt like she thought I was rejecting her and not showing enough interest. She had a lot of anxiety about the relationship and I don't know if it was really about "me" or just about her wanting to be in a relationship. If she liked me as much as she said she did then why couldn't she wait it out.... It seemed like she couldn't deal with her own anxieties and figured it was easier to just end things. I think this is similar to your situation.

I started reading a book called "Attached" which I saw recommended on here in another thread. I think you should check it out at the library based on what I have read so far.

December 31, 2016

I dated a girl a few years ago that seemed to want to rush into a "Relationship" but I wanted to take things slowly and see where things went instead of being a "couple" too soon. I felt like she thought I was rejecting her and not showing enough interest. She had a lot of anxiety about the relationship and I don't know if it was really about "me" or just about her wanting to be in a relationship. If she liked me as much as she said she did then why couldn't she wait it out.... It seemed like she couldn't deal with her own anxieties and figured it was easier to just end things. I think this is similar to your situation.

I started reading a book called "Attached" which I saw recommended on here in another thread. I think you should check it out at the library based on what I have read so far.

Thank you for sharing your story. Not sure how you behaved at the time, but I wanted to see how our "relationship" was developing. And I realized it wasn't. I had no idea if he was at work or if we would be going out on the weekend because I wasnt in touch with him that much. However, my biggest flaw is impatience. Until I learn to be patient, I will keep repeating my mistakes.

December 31, 2016

This is for future Minka.

Start from a place of deep faith. Faith that things will work out in your favor if they are meant to be. Guy not texting, guy not behaving the way he should etc. should not move you this much. You should view it from a place of detachment. Not saying what a guy did was right, but this anxiety that develops in your heart you need to learn to contain it. I am working on it myself. Whenever a guy or friend is not behaving the way I expect them to, and I start feeling negative and disappointed and as if I am unworthy, I am trying to make a differentiation there. That is, irrespective of what external circumstances are, still, I am in full control of how I react to them. You need to learn to be very steadfast, very calm, very still and when you do that, you will be kinder to those people who disappoint you. Instead of taking a big step like breaking up with them, you will just step back and continue your life as if nothing happened. You suffer because you make them your focus. Always keep focus on your life, you being your best self, your goals, your life purpose. The right people will come, may go away for a while, may come back, may not... may hurt you, but you operate from a place of joy in your heart that is not affected by external circumstances in anyway.... I hope I make sense.

There are lots of books and lots of videos ... watch them. Dating as in everything else in life is all about discovering yourself, improving yourself and being your best and only then life will reflect back the best at you.

December 31, 2016

Date around, don't sleep with anyone for a coupel of months

I wish the success of relationships solely depended on this ....

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