Brought up the question

[Redhead14]

It is not if you like someone that much or not. It is that he says he wants to see how things develop but puts minimal effort. Things are NOT developing if we spend an evening at a bar or at his place and then we do not talk at all (almost). I am used to guys being in touch with me every day pr at least every two days and not only two or three texts exchange (if they like me).

 

So call him and tell him you're moving on. If he wants the jacket, he can come get it, but don't ask him in.

[Minka101]

So call him and tell him you're moving on. If he wants the jacket, he can come get it, but don't ask him in.

 

I feel like I should drop it off

[winny]

I feel like I should drop it off

 

Then do it.

[winny]

You can do another thing too.

Wait for couple more weeks and at least 2 more dates and then say that, you would like to text more and meet more and ask him how you both should make that possible? Or you can ask, how does he think you should make this move forward and get to know each other better?

[Minka101]

I texted him to let me know if he will be home this evening because I want to drop off the book. I am planning on waiting in my car in front of the builiding entrance and he can head downstairs and take it.

[Minka101]

You can do another thing too.

Wait for couple more weeks and at least 2 more dates and then say that, you would like to text more and meet more and ask him how you both should make that possible? Or you can ask, how does he think you should make this move forward and get to know each other better?

 

I just dont believe that someone can magically get interested in other person. If he remotely likes me, he would make sure he keeps in touch more often.

He just asked me why I was ending things and if it was because of lack of chemistry.

[Minka101]

Oh wow:

 

Me:

It is just not what I had in mind. I wanted to see how things progress and how I feel, but it is not moving in that direction at all.

Him:

That's okay, no worries. Sorry it didn't work out. Don't worry about the jacket. I wish you nothing but the best and it was nice to meet you.

[Redhead14]

Oh wow:

 

Me:

It is just not what I had in mind. I wanted to see how things progress and how I feel, but it is not moving in that direction at all.

Him:

That's okay, no worries. Sorry it didn't work out. Don't worry about the jacket. I wish you nothing but the best and it was nice to meet you.

 

I think you pulled this trigger too fast. He handled that very nicely.

[Minka101]

I think you pulled this trigger too fast. He handled that very nicely.

 

You think he was intrested???

I just can't deal with BS anymore. Whenever a guy was genuinely intrested in me I never had to question anything or keep waiting. We slept together on Sunday night. I reached out to him on Tuesday and that is the only conversation we had so far this week.

I might have unrealistic expectations when dating, I dont know. If so, I have a lot of work to do.

[winny]

You have been struggling a lot with this guy so I think it was wise on your own part to end it.

 

Sorry, it didn't work out.

[Minka101]

You have been struggling a lot with this guy so I think it was wise on your own part to end it.

 

Sorry, it didn't work out.

 

Thanks Winny. This whole situation started destroying my self confidence. I have so much work to do and, instead of working I feel frustrated throughout the day and end up doing nothing. It is just not healthy, even if it is early stage of dating.

[winny]

Thanks Winny. This whole situation started destroying my self confidence. I have so much work to do and, instead of working I feel frustrated throughout the day and end up doing nothing. It is just not healthy, even if it is early stage of dating.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I have wasted so much time that way.

I am trying to work on not letting these things affect me a lot though but keeping anxiety in control during initial stages and especially after sex and acting cool when someone is not giving you what you need - can be so exhausting!!!

 

I wish you well and it's okay.... nothing lost.... peace of mind is most important... chill and enjoy the new years without any crappy stuff

[Minka101]

I know exactly what you mean. I have wasted so much time that way.

I am trying to work on not letting these things affect me a lot though but keeping anxiety in control during initial stages and especially after sex and acting cool when someone is not giving you what you need - can be so exhausting!!!

 

I wish you well and it's okay.... nothing lost.... peace of mind is most important... chill and enjoy the new years without any crappy stuff

 

Thank you Winny, good luck to you too and Happy New Year

[Mkn1010]

I actually think, in this instance, your anxiety over the relationship progress at such an early stage was clearly evident to him. Especially because you 'had to' text to get an answer about his intentions and even wrote "I have to" at the end of your message about asking him in text as opposed to face to face (as though you couldn't wait one more moment).

 

 

Also, when you replied that you got busy etc it sounded like game playing (even though its true, you were on the phone).

 

 

He may have wanted to slowly see how things progressed but got put off by the above and hence why he was very cool with you ending it, I suspect he knew you would!

 

 

Is it possible that your feelings of anxiety about him have more to do with YOU? Eg has a past relationship dynamic damaged your sense of security? I don't know that it's healthy to get so wound up to the point that you can't work based on the actions of someone you have dated for three weeks.

[Minka101]

I actually think, in this instance, your anxiety over the relationship progress at such an early stage was clearly evident to him. Especially because you 'had to' text to get an answer about his intentions and even wrote "I have to" at the end of your message about asking him in text as opposed to face to face (as though you couldn't wait one more moment).

 

 

Also, when you replied that you got busy etc it sounded like game playing (even though its true, you were on the phone).

 

 

He may have wanted to slowly see how things progressed but got put off by the above and hence why he was very cool with you ending it, I suspect he knew you would!

 

 

Is it possible that your feelings of anxiety about him have more to do with YOU? Eg has a past relationship dynamic damaged your sense of security? I don't know that it's healthy to get so wound up to the point that you can't work based on the actions of someone you have dated for three weeks.

 

Well, it does have something to do with past experiences as well, but also with ongoing disappointments while dating. After using OLD for few months now I got annoyed with all these games. I just know when a guy is interested he will let you know that.

Now, this guy may be little inexperienced or even insecure but his actions were so off putting from the beginning.

We went on two dates, then he asked me over to his place. I assumed he was after sex but I decided not to care. Then, he kept asking me out (in public) but with minimal texting during the week. And on Sunday, we spent another night in his apartment, got some breakfast in the morning and when I was about to go home, he kissed me... on the cheek (adding to my frustration and confusion). Then I didnt hear from him for the rest of the day and Tuesday till 5pm when I decided to text him and ask him what he wants. He replied and then nothing again for 2 days.

I just got tired of it. It looks to me that he was only after sex, or at least after something casual. Something where he doesnt have to put a lot of effort. He clearly wasn't smitten by me. Sure, he didnt have a problem to keep me around so he would take me out, watch a movie, cuddle or have long conversation in bed with me. But once I am gone, I barely hear from him. And, tbh, his response there is chemistry so lets see how it develops wasnt so great either. And of course, he is going to say he is looking for something meaningful.

Again, it's been only three weeks.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Minka101

[Mkn1010]

Trust me, I know how difficult online dating is! All the flakiness and guys concealing their real intentions really leaves you pessimistic about good available humans existing! That's where breaks from it are handy. I just deleted my profile about 2 weeks ago and have never felt better to be honest. Live and let be for a while to regroup so you won't be so stressed next time when you meet someone new that you're keen on!

 

 

A tip I've read too is to not invest too much too soon in any one person! Don't let someone into your bed (so to speak) or your life until you know they are looking for the same thing as you and have proven their word is good. This is not done by asking them about their intentions (as many will lie), you have to just watch and observe their actions.

 

 

A wise poster here, Larryville, said "DON'T LET GUYS LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD UNLESS THEY EARN THE RIGHT OR PRIVILEGE TO DO SO"

[Minka101]

Trust me, I know how difficult online dating is! All the flakiness and guys concealing their real intentions really leaves you pessimistic about good available humans existing! That's where breaks from it are handy. I just deleted my profile about 2 weeks ago and have never felt better to be honest. Live and let be for a while to regroup so you won't be so stressed next time when you meet someone new that you're keen on!

 

A tip I've read too is to not invest too much too soon in any one person! Don't let someone into your bed (so to speak) or your life until you know they are looking for the same thing as you and have proven their word is good. This is not done by asking them about their intentions (as many will lie), you have to just watch and observe their actions.

 

 

A wise poster here, Larryville, said "DON'T LET GUYS LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD UNLESS THEY EARN THE RIGHT OR PRIVILEGE TO DO SO"

 

Thanks god, I didnt really get invested. I did like the guy but I was aware that pushing for sex early is never a great sign (along with few others) but went for it (and I dont regret it). What got me annoyed, however, is his mixed signals (or maybe he was putting minimal effort but I took it as mixed signals, I dont know). So, I got confused. One moment, he is sweet, talks to me, asks questions about me and my family, tells me about his

The next one, he is kissing me goodbye on a cheek (made me feel like one night stand or fwb).

[winny]

Thanks god, I didnt really get invested. I did like the guy but I was aware that pushing for sex early is never a great sign (along with few others) but went for it (and I dont regret it). What got me annoyed, however, is his mixed signals (or maybe he was putting minimal effort but I took it as mixed signals, I dont know). So, I got confused. One moment, he is sweet, talks to me, asks questions about me and my family, tells me about his

The next one, he is kissing me goodbye on a cheek (made me feel like one night stand or fwb).

 

Minka - you did right thing. dont worry about it. your gut instinct is spot on. I know totally how it feels when a guy behaves this way. I have dated one like that who flaked after the 3rd date when sex didn't happen. Same minimal effort in between dates but very warm in person. a woman knows when a guy isn't that into her. and you deserve someone so much better. and OLD... LOL... dont get me started on it... God hand picked all the losers and put them there... ha ha...

[stillafool]

I think you pulled this trigger too fast. He handled that very nicely.

 

I don't think so if this guy was interested he would have asked for more time but was quick to let go to the point that he didn't even want to see her to get back his jacket. OP, at least now you know so it will be easier to move on.

[Redhead14]

I don't think so if this guy was interested he would have asked for more time but was quick to let go to the point that he didn't even want to see her to get back his jacket. OP, at least now you know so it will be easier to move on.

 

It was the holiday season. People are busy and at three weeks I wouldn't expect too much in the way of communication from a guy during this time. She allowed her anxiety to take over. And, yes, it appeared at the moment he was ditching her after sex, but . . .

 

And, as most know, I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a guy, especially early, she should assume it will be a one night stand until he shows her otherwise. And, she should not reach out to him no matter what. Let him come to her if he's going to. And, if he does it fairly soon after, great. Otherwise, just let him go.

 

The reason I wouldn't reach out is that if the guy was going to bail after sex, is the "duh" factor. If the guy is actually bailing after sex and she reaches out to end it or check in or whatever, he's like "well, duh . . . " If you just let them keep moving, he doesn't get that "satisfaction", so to speak. And, if he did intend to see her again and came back with a credible explanation etc., she pre-empted him. Certainly if he takes a week or more, yeah, next him if he calls again.

 

It was only three weeks. I don't think about a guy I've only known for 3 weeks much at all. I keep living my life while in observation mode. And, I'm still dating others if the opportunity arises. I'm not sleeping with them, just browsing.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Perhaps you have had relationships with guy who are the insecure type also and they fall very quickly in love? That is actually not too healthy to fall in love when you barely know someone. But it may be what you are used to. How have those relationships that moved very rapidly turned out?

[introverted1]

Here is our conversation:

Me:

It was good, thanks.

Hey, I have a question (it is probably not a good idea to ask over texts but I have to ).

So, how do you see the things between you and me? Are you looking for something casual?

 

Him:

Feel free to ask me these things In person, don't be shy :-). To answer your question, I think we have chemistry and I want to see how things develop. Also, I am not looking for something casual but instead, for something more meaningful. How do you feel?

Me: (two hours later - we usually reply back within 20 min but I got a phone call from a friend)

 

Sorry, I got busy. Will text you later.

 

Me (an hour later):

 

That is how I feel too. I am not really interested in anything casual. I like spending time with you, so yeah, let's see how things develop.

 

WTF?!

 

You asked him (in text, no less) to spell out how he felt and then you made him wait THREE HOURS before you answered him when he asked how you feel?

 

If I were him, I'd think you were playing games and I'd be turned off.

 

No wonder he is taking his sweet time replying to you.

[introverted1]

Sorry - I posted before I saw that you ended it.

 

I think he dodged a bullet, frankly. There shouldn't be this much anxiety or game-playing in a relationship.

[Minka101]

It was the holiday season. People are busy and at three weeks I wouldn't expect too much in the way of communication from a guy during this time. She allowed her anxiety to take over. And, yes, it appeared at the moment he was ditching her after sex, but . . .

 

And, as most know, I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a guy, especially early, she should assume it will be a one night stand until he shows her otherwise. And, she should not reach out to him no matter what. Let him come to her if he's going to. And, if he does it fairly soon after, great. Otherwise, just let him go.

 

The reason I wouldn't reach out is that if the guy was going to bail after sex, is the "duh" factor. If the guy is actually bailing after sex and she reaches out to end it or check in or whatever, he's like "well, duh . . . " If you just let them keep moving, he doesn't get that "satisfaction", so to speak. And, if he did intend to see her again and came back with a credible explanation etc., she pre-empted him. Certainly if he takes a week or more, yeah, next him if he calls again.

 

It was only three weeks. I don't think about a guy I've only known for 3 weeks much at all. I keep living my life while in observation mode. And, I'm still dating others if the opportunity arises. I'm not sleeping with them, just browsing.

 

Redhead, that is the problem. I don't think he was going to bail. When I left on Monday morning he asked to see me again (didnt specify time and date but mentioned it). The problem is he doesnt put a lot of effort. He wants to have my company (not necessarilly for sex) but doesnt seem he is much into me. So, esentially, we would be dating casually until someone better comes along (for him).

He, either was playing games and following stupid rules or he is just not interested. After our first date, it took him 3 days to contact me. No "thank you" no "I had a good time" nothing (I didnt text these things either). He asked me out for a second date and again nothing in between. Actually, when he texted 4 hours before the second date to confirm, I got annoyed and didnt even want to go so we had to reschedule. He did a better job next time.

 

Here are some pros and cons that confuse me:

Pros: he asks me out on dates, he asks me questions about myself and some questions regarding future -like if I would be willing to live on the West Coast or East Coast (he is considering moving there in few years), we went out for breakfast after sex and spent 3 hours just talking at the breakfast place, he kisses me a lot when we are together in his apartment and often asks how I feel during or after sex.

 

Cons: he doesnt really keep in touch (once every two days), he kisses me on the cheek when I am leaving his place (wtf is that), he asked me over to watch a movie on a third date and we ended up having sex.

 

Here is also the timeline of our texting after we had sex the first time. So, I went over to his place on Tuesday night. Wednesday morning he told me to text him once I got home (which I did) and he wish me a nice day. On Thursday, he texted to ask how my day was going and we exchanged few texts. On Friday, I texted him, he replied immediately and asked to see me. I had to work and declined. He then offer to either see me Sunday night his place) or Monday (local bar). I chose Sunday night. We had sex again. Had breakfadt on Monday morning. I hadnt heard from him at all, so I texted him on Tuesday night asking what he was looking for. He replied and then nothing again on Wednesday. And on Thursday, I finally had enough.

I am sorry for a long post but it was hard to explain how we communicated. It wasnt exactly every or every second day.

[Minka101]

Perhaps you have had relationships with guy who are the insecure type also and they fall very quickly in love? That is actually not too healthy to fall in love when you barely know someone. But it may be what you are used to. How have those relationships that moved very rapidly turned out?

 

You are right about this and it gave me a sense of entitlment. I know it is bad. In most cases, I would realize I dont feel anything for these guys and I would end it. With the exception of the last relationship, where I fell hard for a guy after maybe 3 months but six months later he seemed to start losing interest and I ended it in a similar manner as this one. I am not very proud of it. Every time I wpuld feel insecure, I would go from 0 to 60 and just text "it is over, we are done." Then I would regret and question it.