Jam89 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 My boyfriend of almost 9 years broke up with me a week ago. Besides simple Merry Christmas texts I haven't talked to him. He texted me the first 2 days saying he was having a hard time and that he wanted to be there for me. I told him it was best we took our space. He also contacted one of my friends saying how hard this is on him. I am trying to go no contact for a full 30 days. When he broke up with me he told me he loved and cared for me deeply but didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he had been depressed and lost and needed space and time for himself. I personally feel as if his family also had some influence on his decision. I've always tried hard to get along with them but always knew they secretly didn't approve of me. The day it happened he did it completely out of impulse. It wasn't planned or thought out. He said he had been somewhat thinking about it but didn't know it was going to happen that day. I begged for a chance to try and reconcile things and he said he couldn't be with me right now because he doesn't know or love himself and in turn can't take care of anyone else. He said he was being selfish by staying in the relationship which was hard for me to understand because we had still been very intimate and a lot of it was initiated by him. I want to be with him and have realized greatly over the past week that we both lost ourselves in this relationship. We were happy but we weren't moving forward. We were both stuck working jobs that didn't pay very well and living paycheck to paycheck. We had always both talked about us going to school and getting into shape and said we would start and help each other out and then would get stuck into the same routine. I want him to see me as the strong, independent woman I was when he met me. I was going to school, I was motivated but something happened along the way. I have plans to hopefully go back to school soon. We also lived together with our dog (who is now 5) and a roommate. He told me he would move his things but at the time all I wanted was to be around family so packed some things and went to my parents house. He said I didn't have to move out all my stuff immediately. I have been staying with my parents since. I am taking full care of our dog who I know he deeply cares for. He hasn't even asked to see her which hurts me because she has been depressed. I have stopped by once to pickup some clothes and dog food. Always alerting my roommate and making sure that he wasn't there. When we were breaking up he told me we could talk in a few weeks to see where we stand. I have realized that living with my parents is not good for me. They are very negative and bring me down. I don't make as much money as my boyfriend but feel like I could find a way to live in our place with our roommate by myself. My roommate already said he would be okay with this but of course I would have to talk with my ex. I am doing no contact for 30 days and if he doesn't contact me within that time I think it's best I go and talk to him about our living situation. We live in an expensive area and got a good deal on our apartment. I don't think I'd be able to find another place without a few roommates and with a dog that is almost impossible. I personally feel like he needs self growth right now. I completely understand that he needs space but I feel like being without me isn't what he really wants. I am trying to work on myself but how long do I wait for him to contact me? What can I do to prove to him we belong together and that I am improving myself through this? And when is a good time to talk about our living situation? All of this depends on what he wants in the end. If he wants to stay together I will stay with my parents and hope we can find a place of our own eventually. Living with a roommate did have a strain on our relationship. I am just so lost and need some guidance. Thanks in advance!
stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 My boyfriend of almost 9 years broke up with me a week ago. Besides simple Merry Christmas texts I haven't talked to him. He texted me the first 2 days saying he was having a hard time and that he wanted to be there for me. I told him it was best we took our space. He also contacted one of my friends saying how hard this is on him. I am trying to go no contact for a full 30 days. When he broke up with me he told me he loved and cared for me deeply but didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he had been depressed and lost and needed space and time for himself. I personally feel as if his family also had some influence on his decision. I've always tried hard to get along with them but always knew they secretly didn't approve of me. ! If after 9 years he isn't in love anymore I think you should move on. You cannot make someone fall in love with you. It comes naturally. I also don't think it's a good idea to try to be one of his roommates either and he will probably feel the same way. Think about it; now that he is free he will more than likely start dating new people. Will you be okay with him entertaining girls at the apartment? Can your emotions handle that? I didn't think so. It is best to find new roommates and make a new life for yourself unless he begs you back. He said what he meant. Believe him and let go. 1
Author Jam89 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I meant by staying in our apartment. I would want him to move out and me stay with our current roommate. I just can't believe after 8 years he doesn't even want to try and see what happens. He told me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to me but he needs his space and that he don't know what will happen with us. I feel like we are in a limbo and by being apart it might help us grow together.
stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Well you are already apart so you will see. Why do you think he would want to move out of his nice apartment so you can move there?
Author Jam89 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 All of my stuff is still there. I only packed up a few things to get me through for a couple of weeks. I have yet to move out my stuff and he told me I didn't have to right away. And, he knows that my family can be toxic and it would be better for our dog.
Author Jam89 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 He then texts my friend today saying he's depressed and he's had so many emotions this last week he doesn't know how to put into words how he feels. He says he's gonna wait to talk to me because he's confused but that he thinks and wonders about me every day...?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 Sorry this has happened, especially around the holidays. I know how hurt you must be. The difficult truth is that you cannot make someone see that you belong together if they simply don't feel that way. I have been on both sides of that coin. I've also heard the "I'm so depressed, I need to find myself" line before. While it is indeed sometimes true, you likely would have seen the breakup coming if he were that doing that poorly, emotionally-speaking. You would have probably seen signs that he was withdrawing from you, rather than a seemingly sudden breakup. Having lived with a couple ex-boyfriends before, I would advise you to give yourself a week or two just to clear your mind. Then you will need to discuss the logistics of where each of you will live. It's not an easy conversation, I know. I wouldn't wait a whole month, though. Also, I would ask your friend to stop reporting on what your ex is saying about you and the break-up. Unless and until he comes to you and says he's regretting his choice, what he's telling other people doesn't really matter, unfortunately. 9 years is a long time to stay in a relationship that doesn't appear to be progressing. How old are you both?
preraph Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 Who's on the lease? That's who gets to keep the place. If you're both on it, he wants to break up, so he leaves. 1
Author Jam89 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 Sorry this has happened, especially around the holidays. I know how hurt you must be. The difficult truth is that you cannot make someone see that you belong together if they simply don't feel that way. I have been on both sides of that coin. I've also heard the "I'm so depressed, I need to find myself" line before. While it is indeed sometimes true, you likely would have seen the breakup coming if he were that doing that poorly, emotionally-speaking. You would have probably seen signs that he was withdrawing from you, rather than a seemingly sudden breakup. Having lived with a couple ex-boyfriends before, I would advise you to give yourself a week or two just to clear your mind. Then you will need to discuss the logistics of where each of you will live. It's not an easy conversation, I know. I wouldn't wait a whole month, though. Also, I would ask your friend to stop reporting on what your ex is saying about you and the break-up. Unless and until he comes to you and says he's regretting his choice, what he's telling other people doesn't really matter, unfortunately. 9 years is a long time to stay in a relationship that doesn't appear to be progressing. How old are you both? We are both 27. Yes it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to go through. Right when I feel like my life is starting to look better and I am moving forward he texts me that he doesn't know if this is right and he wants to talk. We have plans to meet on Sunday which will make it one and a half weeks since our breakup. His last text said he hopes I'm doing well and he is so sorry. Does this seem like a reconciliation?
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 Do NOT meet him this weekend. Cut him off, completely.
Author Jam89 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 (edited) Do NOT meet him this weekend. Cut him off, completely. We still need to at least talk about who is moving out or staying in the apartment. All of my stuff is still there. So regardless I need to go there eventually. And can I ask why you say that? Edited December 30, 2016 by Jam89
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 B/c it's the only chance you have to save it.
Author Jam89 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 B/c it's the only chance you have to save it. By cutting him off completely? I didn't talk to him for an entire week. He reached out to me that he wanted to talk tomorrow (yesterday). I told him I was busy but that I would be in his neck of the woods on Sunday. He told me he didn't want to force me. I told him i didn't feel forced and that his dog would love to see him. He agreed to Sunday and said I hope you are doing well and I am so sorry. I haven't said anything to him since. I feel like I have control here. I want to go and hear what he has to say. This doesn't mean I'm going to fall at his feet and do anyhing he will say. I am going to stay strong and stick to my guns. He needs to do a lot of proving if he really wants me back. If he doesn't then we can decide on who stays in the apartment. Regardless of what happens I'm not going to move right back in. I will continue staying at my parents and working on myself..
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 This doesn't sound like he wants reconciliation.
Author Jam89 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 This doesn't sound like he wants reconciliation. I forgot to add that he told my friend he missed me like crazy and he texted me that this isn't right and that he needs to talk to me. I think I should give him a chance to tell me how he's feeling. Like I said, I'm not dropping everything at his feet I just want to know whats going on.
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 A lot of times, the dumper will be off and on in the final month or so of the relationship, because they do have feelings but they are fading. They ween themselves off the relationship over a period of weeks or months. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2016 Posted December 30, 2016 I don't get the impression that he wants to meet to talk about reconciliation, no. He might want to air some of his feelings and better explain why he's made this choice. But be careful, as these types of meet-ups tend to be very painful for the dumpee. Watching the dumper turn around and walk away after such a talk is very sad. Are you sure you're ready for that?
Author Jam89 Posted January 1, 2017 Author Posted January 1, 2017 We talked and are going to work things out together. Going to take things slow. We don't want to move back in immediately and are busy so will only see each other once or twice a week for now. Stepping stones
Zahara Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 We talked and are going to work things out together. Going to take things slow. We don't want to move back in immediately and are busy so will only see each other once or twice a week for now. Stepping stones �� You've been together for 9 years. It seems like it's regressing and once or twice a week sounds like he's managing the pace and is likely using it as a means to transition away from the relationship. I could be wrong. Just be cautious. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 You've been together for 9 years. It seems like it's regressing and once or twice a week sounds like he's managing the pace and is likely using it as a means to transition away from the relationship. I could be wrong. Just be cautious. Ditto all of this. Why did he decide to give it another chance, OP? I mean that as a sincere question. What changed his mind in the time since he ended it? Also, I would take some time to reflect on this: after 9 years, do you really want to take a step backward and slow things down? What sort of future do you envision for yourself? It will probably take a while to get back to the point where you two were before, which means you'd have been in the relationship for over a decade. I don't know if you two had ever talked about or wanted to marry or start a family, but you need to keep in mind that if you want those things, re-setting such a long relationship is going to slow that all way down. I completely understand that 9 years is a lot to say goodbye to. I would, however, be very careful in moving forward. He's shown you he was willing to walk away from it all with seemingly no warning. I experienced this myself a few years into a previous relationship. I was quite shocked when he seemed to come out of left field and announced that he didn't know if it was right to be together anymore. After a couple of weeks of talking and me trying to understand what the heck was going on, we decided to stay together and try again. The problem for me is that I never really felt secure with him after that; I never really got the bottom of his sudden change of heart, so it was very difficult to actually work on the issue. We lasted a few more years after that craptastic night, but eventually split for good. My advice to you would be to find out exactly what led to this. If he's claiming depression and stress, I would make darn sure he gets treatment before I would consider investing so much again. If it's something else (waning interest, another person, etc) work out plan as to how to resolve those issues. Not just seeing each other less, but a real strategy for working out the problems and what each of you would like to see in the future. Speaking from my own experience, the worst thing would be to sort of sweep it under the rug and hope things go back to normal. You will be left feeling worried he'll pull that rug out from underneath you again, and it won't be pretty. Living in that semi-permanent state of anxiety sucks. Be prepared to ask him some hard questions, and maybe to hear some hard truths. Be honest with yourself - and him - about how this has made you feel and how it's affected your ability to open your heart to him. There's a lot of legwork for him to do now, I feel. 1
basil67 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I agree that you're going backwards. If you're going to take back a dumper, don't ever do it without them being absolutely firm in their decision to return and you must expect them to have a plan to fix what was wrong. "Taking it slowly" tells me that there is still much wrong.
Ilovepizzalady Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 It sounds to me like he is weaning off the relationship and still being selfish. I would not do that. I might just cut it off. 1
marky00 Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 It sounds to me like he is weaning off the relationship and still being selfish. I would not do that. I might just cut it off. This may be accurate. I was in a 9yr as well but at 7yrs we had a breakup. I got her to take me back but it felt like I shouldn't contact too much. Mine was an LDR and those last 2 years looking back, it was no doubt over in her eyes despite the relationship continuing. We still had some good holidays, decent sex and a friendship was still there. I guess I was demoted to a FWB situation. This is what this is now. You guys are Friends With Benefits. 1
HorseLuck Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Agree with the above posters. Do not agree to see him 1-2 times a week..that will not benefit you.
stillafool Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 We talked and are going to work things out together. Going to take things slow. We don't want to move back in immediately and are busy so will only see each other once or twice a week for now. Stepping stones What about the apartment? Are you moving back or did you get all your stuff back?
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