JennaDT Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Hi everyone, I've been dating a man in his early thirties (I'm late twenties) for about 4 months now and things are going quite well, except for the fact that he hardly ever texts me. He's naturally a very quiet person, but over the past few months he's opened up to me more and more (when we're together). We have amazing chemistry and even though we're both working long days during the week, we spend pretty much every weekend together and when we're together he treats me like gold. However, the lack of texting sort of bugged me, so I talked to him about it two weeks ago, saying that I would like to hear from him more during the week and not just on weekends. And that I even thought he suddenly lost interest because he hadn't texted me at all in 4 days (I had texted him on Sun and Mon and then I waited to see if he would text me, but that didn't happen until Saturday morning). And he seemed genuinely surprised that I had thought he wasn't interested anymore and told me that he wanted to be there for me and take care of me. He doesn't seem to like texting too much (I also rarely see him texting other people when I'm with him), but I do find it a bit odd that he doesn't really seem to want to know how I'm doing. After I talked to him, he did text me more during the week after, but at the moment there's been radio silence for 4 days again. He's currently spending Christmas with his family in his home country, so maybe he's been very busy, but still... PS: We don't have the same native language, though he's learning my native language (because he's living and working in my home country) and I'm picking up his native language again (only have high school knowledge of that language). But of course the language barrier also complicates matters quite a bit. PS2: He bought me quite expensive jewelry for Christmas and asked me if I wanted to go to his hometown with him in two months. And we already have tickets to go to a concert together in May. So he does seem to be quite serious about our relationship. Is this rather normal for some men to avoid texting? It's the first time it's happened to me, my ex-boyfriends used to text me at least once a day... Jen
umirano Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Your relationship seems quite stable and serious. I wouldn't sabotage it by being too unsettled about this. Actions matter more than words. Does he take a serious interest in you when you're together, i.e. do your (hopefully somewhat deep) conversations face to face feel genuine? Then you're good. I text my partner usually at least once a day. I don't like to go into hour long text conversations when I'm at work, commuting or preparing a meal. I find that unless your long distance there's never a good reason to have long conversations through text or phone. He might be even more convinced that no news is good news. Does he not reply or is it just the lack of initiation that upsets you?
Author JennaDT Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Yeah, when we're together things are much better and he does seem genuinely interested in me :-). And it's also just the lack of initiation that bothers me; whenever I text him he always replies in a timely manner (and he seems happy to hear from me). When I think about it rationally, I agree that actions matter more than words (especially since he's already an introverted person), but sometimes I get a little insecure when I don't hear from him for a few days. But it's probably nothing to worry about :-). Thanks for your input :-).
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Why don't you jave a mid week night together?
Author JennaDT Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 From time to time we do see each other during the week as well, but most days he works until around 9h30 or 10pm and we both go to bed around 11h30 so there's not much quality time left during the week. Of course if at some point we move in together, this issue would be more or less resolved.
OatsAndHall Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Your boyfriend might not be comfortable texting giving that he doesn't speak your native language. It's honestly much easier to speak to someone when you're not fluent in the language versus texting, especially with auto-correct. I have friends around the globe that don't speak English well and they become embarrassed when it comes to texting or messaging. He might not like texting in general. I know that I don't. I've made it clear to my family, friends and girlfriend that they need to call me if they want/need to chat about something. I don't care for texting as a medium of communication as I find it inconvenient and impersonal. I don't like having to sit there with my phone on my hands, waiting for texts to come in during a conversation. I would much rather have a real, phone conversation with someone than text back and forth for hours on end. It's always bothered me when people basically only communicate via messaging and texting and they don't respond. Or when they want to have a text conversation but go silent. 1
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 My boyfriend does not text at all. Last time he text me was July and we're December. He calls for a few minutes and I much prefer that. There is 0 anxiety about why he's not texting or why he delays to answer my texts because we don't text, period. After 4 months dating I think you should stop counting who initiates what. You are in an established relationship so if you need to hear from him you call or text. If you are always the one calling on Wednesday night than be it. Let it be your routine. Also, if you don't speak the same language I assume you are from different cultures as well. Maybe he feels dating is about spending time together on weekends and the weekdays are for working and it's normal to not contact a GF during week days. My BF works days and takes courses at night. He calls me each night at 19h sharp. I personally don't need to hear from him at 19h because I'll see him at 22h anyway but he feels differently than I so he calls at 19h. I am perfectly find with him taking what he needs out of our relationship.
IfonlyIknew Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I'm leaning towards 75/25 on here. 75 towards this is a solid REAL LIFE in person relationship. 25 on he is lacking effort to at least keep in touch with how your day Is going, but this could be only because this is our perception of how it should be and nothing to do with how he feels. Just let him know it's important you keep in touch daily.
AmandaDiane Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You seem to be in a serious relationship, you could try calling him once in a while and letting him know you would like him to call you too, and try to get the communications going on daily basis. Expensive jewelry and trips to his hometown is not dating, that's a relationship, so take care of it. Good luck!
GravityMan Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Considering your boyfriend is in his early thirties...I don't find it unusual at all that he's not big on texting.
doyathinkso Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Texting is a miserably inadequate excuse for communication. Stop using it for your personal life. You and the people you truly care about will be much happier for having done it. Texting is good for ordering pizzas and making dental appointments. That's about it. 1
Fuerza Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 (edited) The person that I'm dating is the same, he barely sends messages through Whatsapp because he's so busy all the time. BUT at the end of every day he does call me because he misses hearing me and wants to know how my day went. Which I appreciate a lot about him! Maybe try to call him every 2 days? Mine has long days as well and sometimes I call him when we're both in the car and on our way to our job, it literally makes his day he's said. So try to make it work as long as he's comfortable with it! Edited December 28, 2016 by Fuerza
Miss Peach Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 My ex BF rarely texted me or called or kept up any sort of communication between dates. It bothered me and I brought it up a few times but he never followed through with actually doing it. When we got to the point of seeing each other several times per week it wasn't critical but it did bother me. It wasn't something that I was so bothered by it overtook the great time we spent together in person. I also tried calling/texting him more hoping he would pick up some of the slack but that never happened either so I gave up. The one area it really bugged me though is as things went on and felt more serious I had the need to feel like part of a team. Naturally he's who I wanted to share things with but it never happened. My two cents is figure out if you can live with that even if it never changed. It never did in my ex BF. The other thing I would look at is how good is communication in other parts of your relationship. In my relationship, the lack of communications and wrong assumptions (often caused by the lack or texting/calling) is what brought us to a big fight and I didn't feel comfortable continuing the relationship after that.
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 If he's not big on texting, why not just call him (heaven forbid talking on the phone!!)....lol 1
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